Loneliness

[CJ]

Hi all,

For some reason, I feel more alone tonight than I've felt in a long time. I know many of you are married or partnered. Some happily so, some not. Well, at the moment, I'm single. You'd think that would be a boon for a crossdresser. A little dressing on the side, and all that. Maybe. In my case, it isn't.

I'm wondering if there are any of you out there who've learned to bear loneliness fairly well--and, yes, that includes those of you that are partnered. Loneliness doesn't discriminate.

I know that a few people here are in the same boat as I am. Well, to some extent, anyway. The thing is, I'm not sure where my priorities lie. Sexual fulfillment? Sure. (Indeed, at this point, I'd be thrilled just to have someone talk dirty to me! ) A deeper connection with another person? Absolutely. Just plain old romance? Without a doubt. And when two lonely souls meet, what then? What happens? Where do things go from there? Especially if I can't really sort out what I'm looking for most.

Do any of you have suggestions or tried ways of coping with loneliness?(Other than shaking your booty at the local club--I'm so not into that stuff these days!)

Hmmphh! This silly girl just has a case of the Saturday Night Blues, I guess. And she still hasn't found what she's looking for. Have any of us? Just sounding off.

Love,
CJ

[Beauty]

Hi Christina,

I can remember the lonely nights/weekends.

In fact tonight I kind of wish I had a local CD friend who could come over and sit around dressed with me. Until I found this post I wasn't really talking to anyone online.

So tonight I'm dressed and made up and am just surfing on the web going, "Where is everyone!?!?"

I can remember being alone when I was CD'ing. I wanted to have someone to share this part of me with and not just online. Though at times online was more than enough.

You're right, dressing when single may be fun to do because you can, but the human soul usually requests companionship and companionship isn't digital or imagined, it's tangible. Dressing alone is fun for a while, but eventually dressed or not we want to talk to someone.

I learned to bear with loneliness fairly well. I buried myself in the web. When it wasn't the web it was games. When it wasn't games it was calling my friends. I'd often go through 10 before I'd find someone who was home. When I didn't want to do that I'd go through online personals and try to engage a woman in conversation (via e-mail).

I didn't really get to dress as much as I'd have liked to. I felt trapped inside my place though because it was such a long walk to my car from my old place. It was hard to imagine how I could get out of my old place dressed and drive somewhere.

Ultimately though, I felt that I wanted to meet someone to share my life with. I did, but only because someone introduced me to my wife. At times I want to be alone, but then I remember what it's like to be single when you're either sick or when there's just NOTHING going on and I quickly go, "nevermind".

You're right loneliness doesn't discriminate. Tonight I was looking for someone to chat with and thank goodness you were online.

Sex is important, yes, but at any time you can take care of that all by yourself. It's better to share a sexual experience, but an orgasm is an orgasm. It's great to hold someone after one, but that's not a relationship. A relationship is many things. Some of the things I think about are sharing of ideas, caring for someone else at times when you'd like to be selfish, caring for someone when they are sick or hurt emotionally.

Now back to the topic of loneliness. It's still easy to be lonely in a relationship. My wife and I shared two intimate nights in a row. I dressed last night and was dressed all day today and now. She prepared dinner for me tonight. But it's 9pm and I felt lonely. Why?

No e-mail, no action on any webboards, and no friends signed on.

I wanted to chat with someone in my TG'd family or a CD'd friend, but I felt completely alone tonight.

Then there's romance. Ahhhh.. our lovely friend romance. We can be married, dating, single and still crave a visit from romance. Do you think that was what you wanted tonight? Often when romance doesn't visit, loneliness knocks loudly on the door to our souls. It makes us realize we're home alone (even if we're with someone).

I'm not sure if there is a way to cope with loneliness. You just have to get out of the house before it finally convinces you to let it in. If you let it in you just get depressed. There's nothing loneliness can help with.

You do have the Saturday Night Blues, but it's understandable and I share in that tonight. I've found what I'm looking for in a relationship and that's why I married my wife, but there will still be times when I feel lonely.

Thank you for this post. You helped me look inside and I learned something. On a Saturday Night!! A Bluesy Saturday Night!

((((((((((((Christina))))))))))))))

Beauty

[Alexandra]

Interesting thread girls . . .

beauty sez: "In fact tonight I kind of wish I had a local CD friend who could come over and sit around dressed with me."

I'm sure this is said by t-girls nearby you (and in almost all cities) thinking the exact same thing at the exact same moment . . .

So, how do we safely meet? I visit some "meet" sites on the net and I go . . . uh uh, that is NOT for me -- I trust nobody!! I also see local TG or CD organziations on the net and don't get the right feeling about joining up with those either.

Clubs and and meeting other t-girls "in the street" has an element of danger which could result in an incident published in "police blotter" and how interesting that TG murders seemingly always go "unsolved".

So, what does one do to meet up with potential t-girlfriends in the local area without exposing one to risk???

[RikkiOfLA]

Dear Christina,

Reading your post brought me back to the intense loneliness I used to experience, almost all the time, before I found my truelove. I wasn't dressing back then. I was afraid to dress, afraid even to discover that I wanted to dress. The closet was for me an intrinsically lonely place. Loneliness is very depressing.

At first, when I met my truelove, I clung to her too much. Too much for her. It made her very nervous. So I had to learn to give her space.

Fast forward to when I first startred dressing and going out. I'd get all fixed up and go to a TG nightclub. As I was getting dressed and going there, I was on a high like you couldn't believe, looking forward to seeing my friends. But when I got there, the music was so loud no one could talk. People could only dance. Most danced with themselves in the mirror. It was a letdown.

Crossdressing, I discovered, isn't something to do. It's just getting dressed.

So I had to look for things that I enjoyed doing, that I could do dressed. Talking with friends, joking, meeting new people, shopping, doing something for someone else, volunteer work. These are some things I really enjoy.

This discovery lurched me out of the closet! Why did I want to do these things dressed? It wasn't the thrill of dressing (I could do that at home). Obviously I am a people person, even though I do need my alone time to work and think.

What I really craved, I began to realize, was acceptance as a real person, a positive person. I didn't want to be accepted as a pervert in a room full of other perverts (getting off by mirror dancing). I wanted to make a statement, that Rikki is a positive, valuable person, with good things to say and do.

I looked for, and found, volunteer work I could do en femme. Where they would accept me as a transgender person.

I looked for, and found, a group of friends whose idea of a support group was more than talking about coming out experiences.

I found friends I shared common interests with, who didn't care how I was dressed (or maybe they dug it).

I began to discover, in other words, parts of real life that I could live as a TG person.

[CJ]

Hi all,

I want to thank you girls for the encouraging words. That you share your experience of loneliness with us, with me, lightens my heart. I'm usually not so down as I was last night; I'm a pretty upbeat person. But a wave of loneliness did come crashing down on me, suddenly and very unexpectedly. It had little to do with my crossdressing, though. It was simply a longing for a true connection of some kind with someone. (Thanks again, MB!) Perhaps the fact that I'm "housebound" for a few weeks is getting to me. Perhaps.

Methinks this girl has been too long single is all. I believe I will, in fact, make it a point to try to get myself out there and meet people more than I've been doing in the recent past. I so much do not have the energy, though. There's a possibility work is burning me out. (I'll have to look into that more closely.)

Anyway, gals, rest assured there's no self-pity here. I will do what I have to in order to temper loneliness I sometimes feel. Again, many thanks.

Love,
CJ

[Charlene]

I get lonely at times too. I think it's because there isn't any one like me that I know. I would love to have a friend (non sexual) that I could sit around and talk to.

[Beauty]

Hi Sarah,

I love the way you and Rebecca created a name together. It's very symbolic of your unity and is refreshing.

I couldn't agree more with you Sarah. It's super duper important those who aren't married and are searching not give up on finding someone special. This is 2003 and lots of women out there just want someone who will love them for who they are too.

The most important part is that you open up to them as soon as you can. Don't talk yourself out of telling them.

I'm glad you were digging through the old threads and dug this topic up! It's very important.

Beauty

[Jennifer M]

I am so glad I came upon this old post.Lonliness is my number 1 enemy at this time. After reading all the post's ,I realize I am not alone in having to deal with this.I find comfort in the fact that I seem to be doing what I should be to fight it,and that there should always be hope for the future.

[CJ]

Hi all,

Wow, Jennifer! You resurrected an oldie. That's awesome! It brought back so many memories of that time, for me... of how I ached to speak of true things with someone, of how I felt, of how I hurt. At the time, I was housebound for about five weeks, recuperating from a minor surgical intervention. This only worsened my feelings of isolation.

One of the things you should do in order to fight loneliness (and, of course, you are doing it!) is to connect with others. Contact and communication--even if only online--saved my butt, I do believe. To discover that others knew and understood how I felt was a watershed moment for me.

Of course, the loneliness is still there sometimes (and, yes, despite the fact that I'm partnered now) but it's not as intense as it used to be. There is hope, Jennifer. Stay true to who you are; keep in touch with both others and yourself; this is the way to sunshine in your life. Although loneliness can be a fiend, solitude can be a friend; just make sure you can tell the difference between the two.

Love,
CJ

[Tekla]

Loneliness is almost always a self-inflicted wound. You need not trust in others, you need only to trust in yourself, that you are a good person, that other people see that, and gosh darn, they do, and will, like you.

[MsJoann]

I guess I'll resurrect this thread.....

My GF of 11 years still only spends the weekends with me. That leaves me the whole week to myself. There were many times when I went online to talk with friends and found no one there. What an empty feeling.
I also spend each day at work alone due to no more co-workers.
However, I have been fortunate enough to have a couple local gals that I visit with on occasion. Yes, I would like to see them every day but with the pressures of living these days, everyone is busy trying to keep up busy schedules.
I do agree that a relationship with another like me is a very prescious gem, especially if they tell you that they like you. I think it's in finding that one special person with whom you feel comfy with talking about our intimate details which makes a good bond.
Tyring to keep things into prespective is the key here. I understand that at times it can be hard thinking none of my CD friends care for me.

[JoAnnDallas]

Being lonely is not just for singles. I used to have a job where I would end up at a job site anywhere from 2 weeks to 3 months. Many of these were overseas too. I have lost count of the number of evenings I would sit in a hotel room alone or sitting at a bar alone. I have had my share of GG's come over and want to be with me but always politely turned them away since I was happy married. Being in a foriegn country, not knowing the language or customs can make one really lonely. So there are times even us old married folks get really lonely. The real hard part was I had no fem clothing with me and going out and buying any was a no-no unless I was somewhere in the states or Canada. I rang up my share of long distance calls, calling the wife and talking just for the sake of just hearing her voice.
I have not been single for over 25 years, so it is hard to remember excately what it was like, but if it is like sitting in a hotel room thousands of miles away from home, in a country that you don't know the language and your there for 3 months, yes it gets very lonely.

[Absaroka]

I guess I missed this thread last time around. What a good topic.

Loneliness can have a lot of stuff going on with it. There is the loneliness a lot of us feel as CDs, having noone to share it with. There is loneliness due to being alone, there is loneliness while being with people. I imagine in a couple of months when my daughter goes to college my wife and I will have times of shared loneliness, which is rather intimate. Hows that for a contradiction?

One answer for me was that there were things I wanted to do that I couldn't find anyone to do them with so I learned to enjoy doing a lot of things by myself.

Then there is loneliness when you are truly isolated. I think of a time when I was living alone (all the other houses on my street had actually been burned down or torn down and in the middle of the city I had a whole block to myself-wierd) and at the same time worked the night shift in a mental hospital where my main social interaction was telling crazy people to go back to bed. No disrespect to the insane.....Not only that but it was a period of time when all the people I had been close to had moved away or something similar. I really started to identify with the winos that I would see wandering around and wondered if that was to be what I would become. Fortunately things changed.

To me the worst thing about loneliness is something that sometimes comes with it, the feeling that I am somehow diminished by it or rendered less than by it. Or the idea that I am lonely because there is something inherently unlikable about me. These are the ideas that must be defeated. Then lonliness just becomes something I am feeling and is not so important.

Absaroka

[Ian]

yes i to feel alone in the world ,iv looked to the stars since i was a child calling out with my mind hart and soul, every fiber of my being if there are alien life forms out there PLEASE take me from this earth i don't belong here with these people,and i still do it to this day,at the same time hoping my life on this earth will be over soon.and i hate feeling this way, why cant i enjoy life.iv read many of you guys stories and i feel pathetic ,because so many of you have faced so many more difficulties than myself yet i cant seem to stop talking about how i feel.

[Lydia]

Hi Ian,

I may have suggested this before, but it bears repetition. I recommend highly that you look at the Perth Chamelons group:
http://www.chameleonswa.com/chameleons/forums/

They are a most friendly and supportive group. I think you will find help with them.

Hugs - don't despair - you are not alone !!!

Lydia