Now that I am out of the closet, how do I get back in
Moderators: KimberlyS, CathyAnn
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Calina_Leigh
- Miss Emerald Goddess
- Posts: 180
- Joined: Mon Aug 30, 2004 12:20 am
Now that I am out of the closet, how do I get back in
Self Removed
Last edited by Calina_Leigh on Fri Mar 11, 2005 6:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Loretta Ann
- Permanently Banned
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- Location: Vancouver, Canada
Calina,
I too hope you do not get flamed for this.
Once out of the closet there is no way to return. You do not have the kind of controll you would like to have over your wife. Other people were not put on this planet to live as you prescribe just as you were not put here to live as others prescribe.
It appears to me you are left with no choice but to live with it. I know of no better place than this one, that is willing to support you and help you through this very harsh time of your live.
There might even be some wisdom in getting professional assistance to help you deal with this. This of course will depend on how strong a person you are, If you feel you can not handle it, Please seriously consider this option.
I too hope you do not get flamed for this.
Once out of the closet there is no way to return. You do not have the kind of controll you would like to have over your wife. Other people were not put on this planet to live as you prescribe just as you were not put here to live as others prescribe.
It appears to me you are left with no choice but to live with it. I know of no better place than this one, that is willing to support you and help you through this very harsh time of your live.
There might even be some wisdom in getting professional assistance to help you deal with this. This of course will depend on how strong a person you are, If you feel you can not handle it, Please seriously consider this option.
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Calina_Leigh
- Miss Emerald Goddess
- Posts: 180
- Joined: Mon Aug 30, 2004 12:20 am
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Loretta Ann
- Permanently Banned
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- Joined: Tue Feb 24, 2004 11:30 pm
- Location: Vancouver, Canada
Calina,
You appear to be intelligent enough. A Bipolar disorder is very hard to live with.
I am very reluctant to give out advice in circumstances where the hurt is as fresh as yours appears to be. The most important thing for you will (in my opinion) be to deal with this pain. It is extreemly hard for one to make the right decisions when faced with this kind of grief.
We have a girl who came to us troubled, who has a condition similar to yours, who has come a long ways since she has been here. Her name is Elizabeth, and I expect she will be able to contribute to this thread. She may be able able to assist you in ways that I am unable to. And I am sure others will be along shortly as well.
This a good place to simply talk about your concerns while you are going through this.
You appear to be intelligent enough. A Bipolar disorder is very hard to live with.
I am very reluctant to give out advice in circumstances where the hurt is as fresh as yours appears to be. The most important thing for you will (in my opinion) be to deal with this pain. It is extreemly hard for one to make the right decisions when faced with this kind of grief.
We have a girl who came to us troubled, who has a condition similar to yours, who has come a long ways since she has been here. Her name is Elizabeth, and I expect she will be able to contribute to this thread. She may be able able to assist you in ways that I am unable to. And I am sure others will be along shortly as well.
This a good place to simply talk about your concerns while you are going through this.
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Dixie Darling
- Miss Sapphire Goddess
- Posts: 92
- Joined: Sat Nov 08, 2003 4:58 pm
- Location: Southeast United States
- Contact:
Carlina,
You’ve been told here that you can’t go back in the closet and this is a true statement. Once your secret has been revealed to others, as it has been in your case, it can’t be “untold” so to speak.
But the problem here seems to be that your wife has the impression that you’re not the man you were before she became aware that you were a crossdresser. This simply is not true. You are the same person you’ve always been and if she loved you before she discovered your secret there’s no reason for her not to love you now. Her attitude is like many others I’m aware of whose wives just don’t seem to realize that so many of the very characteristics that attracted her to you in the beginning are a direct result of your crossdressing. I can’t elaborate on any tendencies you have towards SRS since that has never been an area I have explored or had any desire to pursue. But your personality, as well as that of any other crossdresser, is formed not only from your genetic male side, but also from the feminine components deep inside you.
If it were possible to remove all the feminine traits that go into your established personality and have your wife see the results, in all probability she wouldn’t like the “finished product” at all. The fact that she doesn’t realize this, is where your dilemma lies. Furthermore, being a crossdresser is not something you simply woke up one morning and decided you wanted to be. You, like all the rest of us, were BORN that way and you had no more choice in it than you did the color of your eyes, your height, the color of your hair, or any one of hundreds of other characteristics that are unique to you.
Regardless of what your wife might think, you are still very much the MAN she married. The only difference is that she is now aware of an aspect of your overall personality that she wasn’t aware of before. The big problem, as I see it, is her lack of good quality information about crossdressing. By all means if you can get her to read some no-nonsense literature about it and research it for what it really is, do so! She might be the type that will refuse to try to learn anything about it (as my own wife is) but you’ll never know if you don’t try. Sometimes one single fact or statement read or heard somewhere can be the turning point for her so try to seek out that information and see that it reaches her ears, her mind, and ultimately her heart.
Dixie Darling http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd
You’ve been told here that you can’t go back in the closet and this is a true statement. Once your secret has been revealed to others, as it has been in your case, it can’t be “untold” so to speak.
But the problem here seems to be that your wife has the impression that you’re not the man you were before she became aware that you were a crossdresser. This simply is not true. You are the same person you’ve always been and if she loved you before she discovered your secret there’s no reason for her not to love you now. Her attitude is like many others I’m aware of whose wives just don’t seem to realize that so many of the very characteristics that attracted her to you in the beginning are a direct result of your crossdressing. I can’t elaborate on any tendencies you have towards SRS since that has never been an area I have explored or had any desire to pursue. But your personality, as well as that of any other crossdresser, is formed not only from your genetic male side, but also from the feminine components deep inside you.
If it were possible to remove all the feminine traits that go into your established personality and have your wife see the results, in all probability she wouldn’t like the “finished product” at all. The fact that she doesn’t realize this, is where your dilemma lies. Furthermore, being a crossdresser is not something you simply woke up one morning and decided you wanted to be. You, like all the rest of us, were BORN that way and you had no more choice in it than you did the color of your eyes, your height, the color of your hair, or any one of hundreds of other characteristics that are unique to you.
Regardless of what your wife might think, you are still very much the MAN she married. The only difference is that she is now aware of an aspect of your overall personality that she wasn’t aware of before. The big problem, as I see it, is her lack of good quality information about crossdressing. By all means if you can get her to read some no-nonsense literature about it and research it for what it really is, do so! She might be the type that will refuse to try to learn anything about it (as my own wife is) but you’ll never know if you don’t try. Sometimes one single fact or statement read or heard somewhere can be the turning point for her so try to seek out that information and see that it reaches her ears, her mind, and ultimately her heart.
Dixie Darling http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd
"If you're going to LOOK like a lady, then ACT like one too!"
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Elizabeth
- Miss Ruby Goddess
- Posts: 1878
- Joined: Mon May 03, 2004 3:02 am
Carlina,
Your experience is very similar to mine. My wife found another man, and currently lives with him. We are divorcing.
I know that you believe you can give it up for her, but it is not likely you will keep this promise. It is more likely you will do it in secret once you feel your relationship is safe. This will lead to more self loathing, and hating yourself for lying to her.
However, there are those who claim it is possible for those who really desire to stop, to do it with professional help, and a lot of time. I personally have never heard of an excrossdresser. And most health care professionals seem to beleive that acceptance of oneself is the only way to heal, that crossdressing is not something you do, it is what you are.
Only you know how you feel inside. If you can change for yourself, I am all for it, but changing for someone else never works. They never appreciate the sacrifice, and still hold the previous behavior against you. You end up resentful, and go back to making yourself happy, which in turn makes you feel guilty, which in turn brings back the self loathing. It is just another cycle.
I am sorry I don't have a straight up answer for you, but if your crossdressing violates your wifes fundemental beleif system, accepting you lowers her self esteem. You may be looking at accepting this about yourself, and her.
Good luck
Love always,
Elizabeth
Your experience is very similar to mine. My wife found another man, and currently lives with him. We are divorcing.
I know that you believe you can give it up for her, but it is not likely you will keep this promise. It is more likely you will do it in secret once you feel your relationship is safe. This will lead to more self loathing, and hating yourself for lying to her.
However, there are those who claim it is possible for those who really desire to stop, to do it with professional help, and a lot of time. I personally have never heard of an excrossdresser. And most health care professionals seem to beleive that acceptance of oneself is the only way to heal, that crossdressing is not something you do, it is what you are.
Only you know how you feel inside. If you can change for yourself, I am all for it, but changing for someone else never works. They never appreciate the sacrifice, and still hold the previous behavior against you. You end up resentful, and go back to making yourself happy, which in turn makes you feel guilty, which in turn brings back the self loathing. It is just another cycle.
I am sorry I don't have a straight up answer for you, but if your crossdressing violates your wifes fundemental beleif system, accepting you lowers her self esteem. You may be looking at accepting this about yourself, and her.
Good luck
Love always,
Elizabeth
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Calina_Leigh
- Miss Emerald Goddess
- Posts: 180
- Joined: Mon Aug 30, 2004 12:20 am
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Calina_Leigh
- Miss Emerald Goddess
- Posts: 180
- Joined: Mon Aug 30, 2004 12:20 am
Small update:
As it stands right now, she told me that they have broken off the relationship. But part of me thinks that they are just moving it under the radar. I don't mind them being friends but I cannot agree to her cheating.
As far as her ever going, I told her that after I get SRS and recover, she can do what she wants. That at least gives me hope that I will never reach that point and she will never go.
As it stands right now, she told me that they have broken off the relationship. But part of me thinks that they are just moving it under the radar. I don't mind them being friends but I cannot agree to her cheating.
As far as her ever going, I told her that after I get SRS and recover, she can do what she wants. That at least gives me hope that I will never reach that point and she will never go.
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Ahzz
- Miss Platinum Goddess
- Posts: 256
- Joined: Sun Jun 27, 2004 5:53 am
Jassmine and I just talked about how to respond and we came up with a rather overly simplified and philosphical answer. To be honest, I don't think anyone truly can give a correct answer beyond this...
If you truly love something you must set them free to come to you. Holding them to you will foster their desire to be free far more than it will protect what you have.
It sucks that to have a truly loving and accepting relationship you must be willing to let the other go. But to me the reality is that if it's meant to be, they will stay. All you can do is talk about it and point out what you see in a tactfull and understanding way.
I believe that loving someone is an act of faith. Whether it's rewarded or rejected is up to the other person and your ability to communicate with them.
I wish you luck in your SO coming to see the truths of your relationship.
If you truly love something you must set them free to come to you. Holding them to you will foster their desire to be free far more than it will protect what you have.
It sucks that to have a truly loving and accepting relationship you must be willing to let the other go. But to me the reality is that if it's meant to be, they will stay. All you can do is talk about it and point out what you see in a tactfull and understanding way.
I believe that loving someone is an act of faith. Whether it's rewarded or rejected is up to the other person and your ability to communicate with them.
I wish you luck in your SO coming to see the truths of your relationship.
Sig? What sig?
OH! THIS Sig!
OH! THIS Sig!
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Chantelle
- Miss Sapphire Goddess
- Posts: 77
- Joined: Tue Aug 10, 2004 9:37 pm
- Location: Canada
Hi Calina,
Sorry to hear that things are so stressful right now. Things WILL get better though.
I believe that it was Wendy who once stated something to the effect that you can decide not to CD for awhile and even identify yourself as a nonCD but only until you CD again. I think she hit the mark on that one. I suspect that almost everyone here has purged only to go right back to it. I think that everyone will agree that this is a remarkably permanent existence. But, if you were able to "control" this behaviour, would you be a better person or would you be even more stressed?
In my experience, being and acting afraid about my behaviour caused me more difficulties than facing it head on and just accepting it. I know, easier said than done.
Best Wishes,
Chantelle
Sorry to hear that things are so stressful right now. Things WILL get better though.
I believe that it was Wendy who once stated something to the effect that you can decide not to CD for awhile and even identify yourself as a nonCD but only until you CD again. I think she hit the mark on that one. I suspect that almost everyone here has purged only to go right back to it. I think that everyone will agree that this is a remarkably permanent existence. But, if you were able to "control" this behaviour, would you be a better person or would you be even more stressed?
In my experience, being and acting afraid about my behaviour caused me more difficulties than facing it head on and just accepting it. I know, easier said than done.
Best Wishes,
Chantelle
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Dixie Darling
- Miss Sapphire Goddess
- Posts: 92
- Joined: Sat Nov 08, 2003 4:58 pm
- Location: Southeast United States
- Contact:
Calina,
I'm really curious about something you mentioned (for the second time). You said:
Dixie
I'm really curious about something you mentioned (for the second time). You said:
Are you really SERIOUS about seeking SRS, or are you using it as a sort of 'safety shield' to prevent her from leaving you or possibly having an (as you put it) "under the radar" affair?"As far as her ever going, I told her that after I get SRS and recover, she can do what she wants. That at least gives me hope that I will never reach that point and she will never go."
Dixie
"If you're going to LOOK like a lady, then ACT like one too!"
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Jassmine(SO)
- Miss Golden Goddess
- Posts: 626
- Joined: Wed Jun 30, 2004 10:13 am
- Location: Irving
Calina,
I too am wondering the very same thing as Dixie. I am also wondering why divorce isn't an option. From my own experience I KNOW just how painful a divorce can be. I have been divorced twice. Both times I chose to end the marriage. First time, I wasn't happy with whom I married, he was far too selfish and I was just too young (16) when we got married. I really had no clue just how unhappy I was until I cheated on him. I COULDN"T stay married to him after I broke my vows to him. To me my affair was a sign that it was time for me to move on. I divorced my second husband because he was an abusive alcoholic. I stayed with him 15 years because the only time he was abusive was when he had been drinking. He is a GREAT guy when sober. I also stayed because I didn't want to be divorced a second time, and I thought I could change him. I did myself a grave disservice by staying with him. I spent the last 2 years of that marriage in a seriously depressed state. By staying with him I was harming myself. A friend finally kicked me in my butt and forced me to see just how badly I was hurting myself. I am ever so grateful to that person. Because of that I moved on. I am now very happily married to a man who accepts me and love me as is. I NEVER thought I would find such a person. But it is possible
While both divorces were incredibly painful, I wouldn't change anything. I had to learn to take care of myself first and foremost. I know it sounds selfish, but by not putting one's self first, one will not be any good to anybody else. You are the most important person in the world to you! I ask that you take some time to seriously think about what is best for you right now.
I wish you the very best of luck and the brightest blessings
*Hugs & Love*
I too am wondering the very same thing as Dixie. I am also wondering why divorce isn't an option. From my own experience I KNOW just how painful a divorce can be. I have been divorced twice. Both times I chose to end the marriage. First time, I wasn't happy with whom I married, he was far too selfish and I was just too young (16) when we got married. I really had no clue just how unhappy I was until I cheated on him. I COULDN"T stay married to him after I broke my vows to him. To me my affair was a sign that it was time for me to move on. I divorced my second husband because he was an abusive alcoholic. I stayed with him 15 years because the only time he was abusive was when he had been drinking. He is a GREAT guy when sober. I also stayed because I didn't want to be divorced a second time, and I thought I could change him. I did myself a grave disservice by staying with him. I spent the last 2 years of that marriage in a seriously depressed state. By staying with him I was harming myself. A friend finally kicked me in my butt and forced me to see just how badly I was hurting myself. I am ever so grateful to that person. Because of that I moved on. I am now very happily married to a man who accepts me and love me as is. I NEVER thought I would find such a person. But it is possible
While both divorces were incredibly painful, I wouldn't change anything. I had to learn to take care of myself first and foremost. I know it sounds selfish, but by not putting one's self first, one will not be any good to anybody else. You are the most important person in the world to you! I ask that you take some time to seriously think about what is best for you right now. I wish you the very best of luck and the brightest blessings
*Hugs & Love*
Blessings Eternal, Jassmine
"Love is unconditional acceptance. That quality is also our essential nature, who we really are."
--Peter Shepherd
"Love is unconditional acceptance. That quality is also our essential nature, who we really are."
--Peter Shepherd
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Calina_Leigh
- Miss Emerald Goddess
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- Joined: Mon Aug 30, 2004 12:20 am
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Loretta Ann
- Permanently Banned
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- Joined: Tue Feb 24, 2004 11:30 pm
- Location: Vancouver, Canada
Hi all,
This is all good advice, but what struck me the most was Ahzz's post. I would just like to add to it by stating that I live by that concept.
If some one wants to give me something, and if it is not 100% free, without any strings attached what so ever, and with no expectation of having the favor returned. They had better keep it. A gift a kind deed or what have you is not a gift if there are any expectations included.
I usually end up giving more than I receive but at the same time if the person I give something too will feel obligated, I will not give it to them.
The friends I choose are those who are comfortable with being free, and with those who are not, a little closet space serves me well.
This is all good advice, but what struck me the most was Ahzz's post. I would just like to add to it by stating that I live by that concept.
If some one wants to give me something, and if it is not 100% free, without any strings attached what so ever, and with no expectation of having the favor returned. They had better keep it. A gift a kind deed or what have you is not a gift if there are any expectations included.
I usually end up giving more than I receive but at the same time if the person I give something too will feel obligated, I will not give it to them.
The friends I choose are those who are comfortable with being free, and with those who are not, a little closet space serves me well.
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Lorna
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 2739
- Joined: Tue Feb 24, 2004 4:41 pm
- Location: NY
Hi Calina,
Based on everything you have described, you won’t have any flaming here, only sympathetic ears. You do have several issues here that are coming into play: your child, your wife’s surgery and what have you. Although I have never been married, I am all too familiar with the mental burden of having several things piled on your plate all at once. It can be very emotionally taxing.
As the other girls have mentioned, once you are out of the closet, there really is no way back in. You also mentioned SRS. How long have you been considering this? Have you spoken to a counselor?
No matter what happens, just remember not to blame your situation on yourself, or your CDing. If she knew about your love for CDing for many years, why the drastic change of attitude all of a sudden? It sounds to me like she was the one who hasn’t been totally honest with you. And you deserve that much. I do know that marriage is supposed to be about communication, sharing, and open discussion of thoughts, ideas and feelings, no matter what the issues may be.
I also read your post about how she has decided not to pay a visit to her friend. Perhaps you and she may work things out, after all, but I would strongly recommend a long talk with your wife. You and your wife also seem like a fairly young couple as well. I do know that younger married couples tend to be more impulsive under stressful situations. (I watch all my married friends)
At any rate, good luck to the both of you! I hope everything works out.
Based on everything you have described, you won’t have any flaming here, only sympathetic ears. You do have several issues here that are coming into play: your child, your wife’s surgery and what have you. Although I have never been married, I am all too familiar with the mental burden of having several things piled on your plate all at once. It can be very emotionally taxing.
As the other girls have mentioned, once you are out of the closet, there really is no way back in. You also mentioned SRS. How long have you been considering this? Have you spoken to a counselor?
No matter what happens, just remember not to blame your situation on yourself, or your CDing. If she knew about your love for CDing for many years, why the drastic change of attitude all of a sudden? It sounds to me like she was the one who hasn’t been totally honest with you. And you deserve that much. I do know that marriage is supposed to be about communication, sharing, and open discussion of thoughts, ideas and feelings, no matter what the issues may be.
I also read your post about how she has decided not to pay a visit to her friend. Perhaps you and she may work things out, after all, but I would strongly recommend a long talk with your wife. You and your wife also seem like a fairly young couple as well. I do know that younger married couples tend to be more impulsive under stressful situations. (I watch all my married friends)
At any rate, good luck to the both of you! I hope everything works out.
Live it. Love it. OWN IT.