Do the Right thing

[Elizabeth]

Hi girls,

I would like to start by asking Spike Lee not to sue me....Laff.

I have a continuing quandry in my life. It is about "doing the right thing". I remember my drunk grandpa telling me "you will never regret doing the right thing". Not that he would know, he rarely did the right thing, but perhaps that fact made the advice that much more sage.

My whole life I have made a very serious effort to do the right thing. To be loving, giving, and to "be the bigger person" and offer to forgive those who have wronged me.

The unfortunate downside is that it has also made me vulnerable, because everyone knows I will forgive them, so they don't worry about wronging me. I was not really aware of this until my daughter just flat out told me. I asked her why she always took her mothers side even when she knew that she was wrong. And her answer was "easy dad, because you will forgive me, and she won't".

So far in my attempts to get a "nice" divorce, if there is such a thing, it seems that everyone is counting on the fact that I will forgive whatever actions are taken in the heat of battle. It seems to me that every time I have tried to be kind, and forgiving, I was again used in the most aggregious way.

I Know what the right thing to do is. However, I know that if I do it, I will be used again, and in the end I will be taken advantage of again. If it were just me, I can accept that. I always have. But in this complex situation I do not only speak for myself, I speak for my kids too, who also expect that I will "do the right thing", because I always have.

How do I stop being a doormat, and still hold my convictions about forgiveness. It has always been one of my sayings that "everyone is entitled to an opportunity to redeem themselves"

I just don't know how to resolve these issues. I don't want to become cynical, but I also have to stop being a doormat. I don't want to be used anymore, but I also don't want to give up on my belief that people need to be forgiven.

Any light my sisters could shed on this would be greatly appreciated.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Merinda]

Forgiving is letting go of your anger and obtaining self inner peace
someone should be forgiven if they are truly sorry

Unfortunatly I hold onto grudges that should be let go.

[Beauty]

Hi Elizabeth,

I think at one time I was super nice to everyone (no matter how rude or mean they were to me), but then I had a boss that refused to let me be nice to her. She only responded when I was very nonchalant with her. I resented her for that, but I eventually learned it was one of the most awesome things that happened to me.

I am a happy person usually, but when someone wants to hurt me or do things to me that are mean I just cut them out of my life. It's their loss. I don't think that's being cynical as much as I think it's protecting me. I'm not perfect I know that and if someone wants to focus on something that I do wrong then ok, but I feel that I'm not that bad. I've even learned to be cordial to them, but they are not my friend. That means I have no desire to help them, care for them, or converse with them in any other way than maybe telling them the time.

I don't get hung up on, "They have no idea what they are missing!" For all I know I could be the mean person they are talking about.

I wish you well in whatever you decide it's not easy when someone won' let you turn the other cheek and the just continue to hurt you.

Beauty

[Virginia]

Elizabeth,
Well I guess you and I are in the same boat for different reason, you because your spouse "roamed" me, because because well I am not sure, as I keep getting different stories - not important. Anyway she is finding out that divorce is not a "{be all end all", it can be ugly, not necessarily from the two parties involved but from outside sources, i.e., IRS, state law, attornies, creditors, banks, friends, family, etc., etc., etc., WE had a long talk last night on how to divide up Real Estate and pensions and she finally said she was tired and with out solving anything she went to bed so we have not solved anything other than she is beginnin to understand how unfair and complicated it is!
All I can say is, keep your head above water and keep swimming!!! There may not be a life guard around and your the only one paddeling to stay afloat! and as we say in powerlifting - "How bad do you want it???"
Love ya,
Virginia

[Bob]

Elizabeth,

See if your you and your wife can find a certified divorce mediator. These folks can get you talking about your "issues" and can make a real difference without having a judge making decisions for you.

[Loretta Ann]

Good Morning Elizabeth,

I thank you for your question, that allows me to give you my take on it.

In large I agree with Beauty. For me there are two sides to forgiveness.

First if one is to receive forgiveness from me, then there needs to be something happen where-by I can reasonably be assured that they will not repeat the offence. That ball is directly in there court, and requires a change in them which does not come with simple words. It takes time, Trust has been broken, and needs to be re-established, and it is up to them to do what ever is necessary to correct that, providing it is not something that can not be worked out. which is some times the situation. Until that happens they will only get things like the time of day from me.

Now the second side to it, which in reality probably needs to happen first is for ones own health, and well being. one needs to be able to let go of it, One needs to forgive them in their heart. Which simply means that one becomes able to carry on with their life with out a need to do any thing to intentionally cause that person any pain. As long as one feels a need to correct the other, or get even, or what ever, that person is being controlled by the actions of the offender. And consequently is not able to fully concentrate on their own issues.

If one gets enough people that have hurt them in their life one can spend a lot of their thought life, consumed with other peoples problems, and not have enough time to focus on ones own.

I hope this helps?

[Jassmine(SO)]

Howdy Elizabeth,

I agree with Beauty and Darlene.

I have no trouble forgiviing someone who has wronged me, but I will be very cool and distant but civil with that person until they EARN my trust and respect again. I will even go as far as cutting them out of my life if necessary, and indeed I have done so. Doing the right thing also means taking care of yourself.

*Hugs & Love*

[Lorna]

My whole life I have made a very serious effort to do the right thing. To be loving, giving, and to "be the bigger person" and offer to forgive those who have wronged me.

The unfortunate downside is that it has also made me vulnerable, because everyone knows I will forgive them, so they don't worry about wronging me. I was not really aware of this until my daughter just flat out told me. I asked her why she always took her mothers side even when she knew that she was wrong. And her answer was "easy dad, because you will forgive me, and she won't".

Hi Elizabeth,

I know exactly what you mean. Throughout my life I have also always made every effort to do the right thing in a given situation, only to get burned every time.

But then I learned later on that part of doing the right thing does also include protecting yourself.

I also do believe in forgiving people, but forgiveness should only go so far. As noble as it is to forgive, it's still important to look out for yourself. I can forgive someone for wronging me once. But if they wrong me twice, then I will want nothing more to do with them.

Love always

~ Lorna

[Elizabeth]

Hi girls,

I really want to thank all of you for you views, beliefs and points of view, I value them in a way you can not imagine.

I do beleive that there comes a time to realize that certain people in our lives are poisen, and we are better of without them in our lives, than to continue the cycle of hurt, and forgiveness.

Unfortunately this cycle for me has included the most important people in my life. Other than my neices wedding, at which I had a brief discussion with my mother because she did not approve of me not attending my fathers funeral, I have not spoken to my mother or had any meaningful communication with her in 11 years. My father even longer. He died without ever being willing to accept forgiveness, because he was not willing to admit his wrongs and ask to be forgiven. My oldest brother and I have not talked in 6 years after he forced me to fire him from my company when he refused to do his job, and was caught cheating on his timecard. He has not really worked since, and blames me for the downfall in his life.My oldest sister cut me out of her life 12 years ago, but never said why. I called to forgive her recently, but she said she did not know what I was talking about. My next oldest brother and I stopped talking after the company we started together failed because he became addicted to cocain and spent all the money. He subsequently sold all my musical equipment, and claimed got stolen. Funny they broke in to our storage, but only store my gear. I later got him several jobs, and helped him get on his feet, but he again shafted me in a dispute with the Union when I was running a large electrical contracting company. He recently has extended his hand in friendship and has apologized, thanked me for helping him when he needed it and has asked to be a part of my life again. We talk now over the phone and he has visited me twice from northern California. My two younger sisters have sided with my mother, and don't speak with me either. I never really knew either of them as I was 8 and 10 years older than them, and was playing in my own band by age 15 and was gone a lot.

And now my brother that is just one year older than me, that I helped get off cocain, and alcohol has decided I may not come to his house while dressed, and even though we have been so very close over the years, and owned a business together as partners for over 6 years, for the first time did not get me a birthday card or gift, even though two weeks before that, I did not shine him on his birthday.

I understand there comes a time when I have to stop letting people use me. But is seems that it is rare that those friendships and relationships are repaired.

So here I am, and on my birthday this year, did not get a call. Did not get a gift, did not get a card, and had to bake my own cake. And my 21 year old daughter who said she accepted me? Well she is living with my wife's boyfriend because she openly admits she is afraid my wife will disown her if she supports me in any way.

I am not crying the blues here, just saying that I understand there is a time that I have to stop letting people use me. But is really hurts my self esteem when I find that my only value to people is not as a human being, but only what they can get from me. And once I decide not to give any more? They are long gone, and don't want forgiveness, or a relationship.

So? now I have my children, who are not mine at all. They are people and they need guidance, and love, and to feel safe, and accepted. They are only coming through me. How do I expain to them why thier mother is with another man? How do I explain we are poor because won't help pay for their care? How do I comfort them when they see her try to hurt me? And how can I teach them to forgive those who will not even forgive themselves? I really just don't know.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Lorna]

Hi Elizabeth,



It's just not fair. You have done so much for so many, and they couldn't even acknowledge your birthday. It really hurts when the people you love, support and trust the most are usually the ones who turn their backs on you when you expect at least a little recognition in return. And it hurts even more when those very people are "family".

Ever since childhood, I never really got along with my father. He did not drink but he had a very violent temper, and punishment was always physical. He also used to beat my mother mercilessly, and all I could do as a small child was sit back helplessly and cry. When I was 12 I suffered a broken wrist at his wrath because I left the milk out of the refrigerator. From my teen years all the way thru my twenties, all we ever did was argue and fight. Today, he will periodically call me up just to nitpick and tell me what I "should" be doing at my age with my life, and what I "should" have. Ironically enough he was the one who was okay with my CDing. But in too many other areas he is as judgemental and self-righteous as ever, still looking at me as some sort of "clueless teenager" with no morals or direction.

As for my older sister, she and I NEVER got along. Even to this day, as two adults well in our thirties, she and I still don't get along - never have, never will. I went to go visit her a couple of weeks ago (after much arm twisting from my mother) to see her new baby. She and I hardly spoke except for the old "Are you staying out of trouble?" routine. Ever since my little incident back in March I am nothing but a criminal to her. She doesn't even greet her own brother with so much as a hug or kiss hello. I'm like some stranger to her. And to think that 6 years earlier I shelled out $3,000 towards her wedding. I am still kicking myself.

I conducted this little test with each and every one of my family members: I asked myself "If we weren't related, would we be friends?" Needless to say both my father and sister failed.

Apparently blood is not always thicker than water. We can't choose our relatives, but we can choose our friends. I have long since given up on trying to pursue a normal adult relationship with either of them.

You don't have to keep forgiving those who keep wronging you. You deserve much better than what you have been getting.

Love always,

~ Lorna

[Celia]

Unless you're trying to work the martyr angle, Elizabeth, you're sure to find the practice of unconditional forgiveness to be an unprofitable one. In return for forgiveness, you have a right to expect a sincere expression of regret for the misdeed(s) in question and a sincere effort to refrain from said misdeed(s) in the future. You might give someone the benefit of the doubt at first, but if that person exploits it as an opportunity for continued misconduct, inform him that the get-out-of-jail-for-free deal is strictly one per customer.

Yours,
Celia

[Calina_Leigh]

Self Removed