First Step, feeling drained -- You were right Penny T.

[Carolynn]

Hi all!!

Today, about 3:30 my time, I paid my first visit to, I guess I can say it now, MY gender therapist. It was what they called an Intake appointment, one where they get a good idea about your history and how committed you are to your journey. It was to last an hour, but she didn't have another appointment this afternoon and let it run for an hour and 45 minutes. It was emotional.

I knew when I wrote the My Beginnings post that I had some things locked up inside, but it was a surprise when I had a hard time talking through tears, emotion closing my throat, making words all but incoherent, with pauses 20-30 seconds long just to get it under control enough to say the next sentence. Blurting out a 7 year-old's confusion and a 10 year-old's fear of rejection, fearful of losing the love of the people that had mattered the most for all that young life, fear of loss of security, made it like it was there again, but compounded from festering inside for these many years. And now I know why my parents always said I was so independent. I was preparing myself all my childhood to lose all that I had, ready to have everything taken from me, but also afraid to withdraw unless I had to. Then the misconceptions on the part of my aunts, as they thought I was trying to tell them I was gay. They didn't know any different, and I shouldn't have expected them to, but I need to talk to someone and mom and dad were out of bounds by their own actions and words. Then the "You promise me you won't do anything about this as long as your parents live. It would disappoint them so." "Aw honey, don't ever tell your dad and mom, it would just kill them", then more guilt added to fear. Then the clincher, "We don't need to talk about this again." "We won't want to bring this up again in case somebody might overhear us." Welcome back to the silence, more guilt and confusion, carrying the burden alone, and driving nails into the coffin of part of my soul, stunting the growth of my sense of self worth. Small wonder I doubted when I was in my teens I would live to see 21, but I did, then there was 30, then I quit trying to second guess that and just carried on with my part of a life. Whoop-de-do. Welcome to the club.

One thing I can tell you, that some of you well know, no child should have to try to deal with GID (or the confusion of the urge to cross dress) as a child and alone, with no one to talk to, no one to ask questions of to help them understand, and with no one to tell them they are loved no matter what, and that it's going to be OK, they are not monsters, they have no need to feel guilty!!! In my childhood, so little was known of GID that it is almost understandable, but in today's world, NO CHILD should have to deal with this seething confusion alone!!!! A childs shoulders are far too small to carry that burden, and her experience with life is far too little to comprehend it. All she can do is to stumble along, seeing the world through a kind of tunnel with a glass wall at the end muffling the world. To cause that to happen today is nothing short of child abuse. Yet we all know that in today's environment of religious fundamentalism and conservatism, it's probably happening, not only with TS kids but with crossdressing kids going through the same things we have shared on this forum. What can we or anyone do to help them? Where can the education of parents and teachers take place that will enable them to recognize a child in this kind of confusion? A few percent of a population is so small, is it worth the effort to the majority to take the time to be educated when there are fortunes to be made, wars to be won, and beer to drink? Any answers, or just questions?

Love to you all,

[Sally]

Hello Carolyn,

First let me say that I fully understand a lot of what you've said. I travvelled a similar path in my early childhood and teens right into my twenties. Although I am not a religious person I often think there may well have been a higher authority who guided me through some very dark times so I survived to be here today.

I fully agree with you that in this day and age especially, no child should have to suffer it all alone, yet by ignorance and peoples refusal to open their minds and expand their tunnel vision, there are children everywhere suffering exactly how you, I and millions of others have. I constantly say this, but the only way I ever see major change happening is by the education of the very young, that diversity exists in all animal and plant life, it always has and always will, no matter what anyone says.

Fortunately science is making headway with discoveries in the area of the brain and there is much documented evidence as areas of the brain as being constructed sex-dimorphic. I believe it will be science which instigates the change in education eventaully, it won't happen anytime soon, but it will happen. It amazes me at times how society can to a degree accept major things, but close their eyes, hearts and minds to lesser things. What I mean is that it has been known for a long time about intersexed people and why they develop as they do, society accepts this major end of the scale but refuses to accept that there is a minor end to the scale where there is little or no external evidence that there is an inner natural conflict with some people between their male and female psyche. It's an area which I have put a lot of study and research into over a long period, and with the documented scientific evidence available, I only wish those in the community who refuse to accept us or the facts would do some study themselves.

Earlier this morning I sent some material to another member here regarding this subject. I've picked out a portion of it and posted it below here, maybe it will be of some interest or assistance to you.

My heart goes out to you. Stay with it, work your way through it, there is sunshine at the end I assure you and countless numbers of us who will give you as much or as little support as you may require from time to time. One thing is to always remember, you are not unique, there are millions of us out there, it's just a matter of finding the right help and way to come to terms with it, as we will never change, we can't alter how our brain was constructed. I hope you gain something from the next passage.
...................................

I don't believe it is a truism for society to use expressions such as transformation, sex reassignment etc etc.. I see it more as a rehabilitation process. We need to rehabilitate ourself in our minds moreso than change ourself externally by cosmetic means such as surgery etc. Surgery will not change our brain, our blue print or our wiring. This is one reason why surgery is not important to me. I believe I can have the best of both worlds. I can keep my family intact by not having surgery and I can also 'stay in contact' with my female psyche. Of course the hormones are essential for me to be able to do this as they compliment my brain and bring it more into the feminine operation naturally and they impliment some bodily changes which complete my psyche, without dramatically changing the 'landscape', so that I can carry out my husband and fatherly duties without bringing stigma to my family, whilst 'she' is having her time as well.

So you see it's not always necessary to surgically change ourself to attain a more complete life. Experience has shown me that it's more important to align the brain than the external appearance.

Also being TS or anything else is not an isolated sex error phenomenon, it is just one on a sliding scale. There are many other instances of more severe contradiction between peoples genitals and their brain sex. Science records tell us that in about 5 in every 1000 individuals there are sex errors. The sexual diffentiation has not followed the normal course of events. All too common we see instances of adrenal hyperplasia. When this occurs the first steps of sexual diffentiation follow the girl pattern with XX and ovaries, but due to abnormal production of androgens by the adrenal the external genitalia virilise and become more or less male. In some cases these children are mistaken as boys and raised as boys, but they can never father children as they have no testes, they have ovaries. These are more extreme cases of sex errors, but it is on a sliding scale, at one end of the scale we have pure female, at the other we have pure male, but it is now becoming factual that a large amount of people are somewhere in between. It's a matter for each of us to find within ourself where we fit into the mix and become comfortable with it, because although we can have our bodies externally cosmetically altered, we can never have our brain wiring changed.
...................................................

I hope you find this interesting and of value to you.

My Kindest Regards.

Sally.

[Virginia]

Thanks, Sally for the information. Science can understand a lot of what goes on with ?us? as we develop, now if we can only get society emerged into the fact that we are not weirdo's! As you know I am in the throws of a divorce and I am not real sure why she wants out, but one of the last things she has said is that it was my crossdressing. The mear fact that she does not even want to learn anything about it, read about it, talk about it reaffirms the fact that even though we (any couple) are married that we never really get to know the other person in certain situations. I will have to say this - I don't understand it - perhaps in her situation as, well I won't say, but I know her well enough to understand where she is coming from in this, but generally, I do not see us as any kind of a threat to a spouse, but having been on this forum for quite a while and read a lot of the posts, a lot of SO' s just do not want or can not accept "another woman" in the family. I guess that is what has confirmed me as only a crossdresser. I just can not put my male mind into female mode to understand what they see as the threat to them and/or their realtionship with their DH.
Anyway, thanks for being there for us!
Love ya,
Virginia

[Carolynn]

Hi Sally!!!

Thanks for the considerate and understanding response to my, rant? I assure you I know I am not alone in the desparate confusion and uncertainty I have experienced growing up, and living as an adult as well. I find myself experiencing a combination of frustration, regret, anger, and ultimately acceptance, and I have done so before. Today was the first time I ever spoke of my life on a face to face basis to anyone outside of my family, or to anyone in my family, for about 40 years, and I think I may have unloaded a bit. Anyway, my therapist thinks I may have opened up a walled up box of grief, and she could be right. Unfortunately, there is, I suspect, some more to come, but maybe not as uncontrolled, I hope.

Sally, It sounds as though you have found a perspective and compromise to allow you to live your life to the full. I do congratulate you in that , and hope you will find it possible to continue to occupy that comfortable position. Do you think it may be possible that you will complete transition after your kids are older and have left the nest, or will you maintain you current life? Also, how do you handle the effects of the hormones? Do you present as female all the time, or are you maintaining a more or less male presentation for needed occasions?

I have come across references to the adrenal hyperplasia, as well as it's flip side of the coin, androgen insensitivity syndrome, where a person is totally xy genetically, but due to other genetic abnormalities, testosterone is converted to estrogen and a phenotypical woman results through a nearly normal puberty, up to a point. These women are usually taller than average, are usually considered unusually beautiful and sexy (the xy combo). They are completely sterile, do not have the internal plumbing to have a period, much less a child. Though they may have apparently normal female genitallia, some also require fine tuning. Various actresses and models have been suggested to be AIS, especially those not able to have children of their own (ala Jamie Lee Curtis). For obvious reasons, I also have read all I can find about effects of various factors affecting hormone secretion and it's timing on a foetus, and on effects of such things as birth order in mulitple births, and how close together children are spaced, and effects of stress on proper hormone production during pregnancy. I think there is more we do not know, than we know about the development of humans in the womb, and the effects of all these minute variations in quantity and quality of homones. They do indeed seem to be the tiny giants of foetal development, huh. I agree with you there seems to be a sliding scale when viewed from the right perspective, and that there are many ways to be human beings from a sexual/gender point of view, far more than are accepted by normative society. I do hope that the young can be educated to recognize and be accepting of the differences/diversity we exhibit as a species, but I suspect these will be the better educated, smarter, and often people with one or more family members positioned somewhere other than in the middle on the "sliding scale". Hmm. Maybe we should think of it as a normal graph distribution, with what can be acceptable marked off in the middle and segments at each end marked off in standard deviations. No, that word, deviations, is too value laden. Lets stick with a sliding scale.

All my best.

[Sally]

Hi Carolynn,

To answer your questions. No, I believe I won't ever fully transition now, although anything is possible in this world, I never say never, but I am not thinking along those lines now. There are several reasons for why not, but one compelling reason is where I am at in my journey. I attribute a lot of how my mind has changed to the hormone program I've been on for these last 4 years and the positive effects they have had on me and how I think and how my brain now works. It has enabled me to come to terms with how I am and the fact it can never be changed.

I view reassignment as a medical intervention and it may or may not have a positive effect and the ramifications may outweigh the beneficial results, if any. We have to ask ourself is feminising our body cosmetically a true authentic sex change or is it just an artefact, just a modification of the body which will leave the brain sex as it always was, without having any beneficial effects. When I weighed up what I would gain against what I would lose, then to me that was a turning point in my journey. You see, I believe that we are what we are in a truer sense by indirect sources, rather than we are determined by the criterion of external genitalia. The fact that at birth a doctor examines our genitals then ticks either male or female on the form can be quite irrelevant. I believe as many medical scientists now do that our true sex is determined by what's between our ears, not between our legs. I know this doesn't sit well with a lot of people, but then how many people realise that it is a documented scientific fact that our sex doesn't fully manifest itself until 3 to 4 years after our birth. The external genitals may be formed at birth but the the brain still has several years to go before it becomes sexually differentiated. This fact is what leads many medics to believe is the reason why TS's have such a strong contradiction between their genital sex and their gender identity. When the brain finally differentiates itself it doesn't align with how the external sex genitalia presents. It's a sex error of nature, it's no ones' fault, it just happens for reasons undetermined as yet. If it can happen on this major scale then it stands to reason their are many more errors on a sliding scale.

Our three kids are all independant now and are out working in the big wide world. They are quite content as things stand but they see things the same as my wife does, that if I did fully transition then they all cannot say beforehand how they would be able to deal with losing their father and husband and that is also a risk I am not willing to take. They are all too important in my life to ever risk losing them.
I present as a female most of the time nowadays, I am able to integrate back into male mode when and if required, I have no problem concealing the physical changes, except for my hair and natural facial changes the hormones have effected, but it's not a concern really in this day and age.

As for the effects of the hormones, I haven't had a real problem with them, except for in the early days I suffered extreme leg cramps, but changing to the transdermal method erased them completely and it's all been good since. I really don't know anyone who has had a major problem with them and a person shouldn't if they undergo the proper medical checks and scrutiny to establish any risks due to their state of health. I suppose the biggest physical effect they have had is the breast growth, there has been lots of other changes on a lesser scale but all good except for the dry skin, that can be annoying, but lots of skin creme and drinking lots of water relieves that.

What turned my life around more than anything else was the effect the hormones have had on my brain, how I think and how my state of mind has changed. I would venture to say in my case they have been more or less a life saver or at the very least a family saver. It has become a method of treatment with some medics who work in the TG field to prescribe low doses of estrogen for CD's or others who are going through a stressing time. It has been found the estrogen has a calming effect within the brain without effecting any noticeable physcial changes.

I believe it may well eventuate that it will be found that hormone imbalance can be responseable for many conditions, especially those experiencing stress with GID. The ratio of estrogen and testosterone in a male or female body can change due to different scenarios. Both sexes have both hormones, it's only the ratio which differs. Both sexes daily produce a higher amount of testosterone than estrogen. A post puberty, pre menopausal woman in normal health produces about 200 micrograms of testosterone a day and about 120 micrograms of estrogen, a ratio of around 1.6/1. A corresponding healthy male produces around the same amount of estrogen daily, i.e 120 micrograms but produces around 5,100 micrgrams of testosterone daily, giving a ratio of 51/1. Now we can only imagine at this stage what effects it has on someone whose body is producing vastly different ratios. (There have been studies done on it and the results quite alarming) What are the ramifications? Time will tell as more scientific research is carried out. It has long been suggested that extreme amounts of testosterone in a mans body results in more violent aggression, but what if the aggression is already there and that aggression is the cause of the extra testosterone production. Studies done on sports fans has shown that whilst watching their team compete, their testosterone levels increase and the same for elite sportsmen. It has been shown that as they gear up for competition their testosterone levels increase, so it is debateable at this stage which way around is the right way. The aggression causes the level to rise or the hormone causes the aggression to increase, but evidence is pointing to the former. Hormones effect our life every day and if they are out of balance then that can cause many problems.

There is a lot of research going on into how hormones effect our lives and our actions and thinking and how our lifestyle effects our hormonal production. I think it's all good for the future, if not in my lifetime then at sometime for those coming behind us.
I believe education is the answer to it all, but a generation or two will have to move on before a lot of the old fashioned thinking ceases. I certainly do understand how it presents to wives and others if they have been brought up to think one particualr way in regards to sex and gender and I never blame them for how they think as they could never be expected to begin to understand how it feels, how it is and how it effects us in our daily lives, if they have never experienced it within themselves, it's just not possible for them.

Kind Regards.

Sally.

[Hayley]

Carolynn and Sally,

Your essays (for want of a better description) have been quite an eye opener for me. Especially the discussion regarding Testosterone vs Estrogen production. Your discussions with each other are very educational and I applaud you both for bringing up this subject.

I have yet to find an appropriate Therapist to discuss my personal "Confusion", especially in the situation I am in with my employment. I have structured myself a timeline for my journey and the goals I wish to acheive at given points/dates along my way. The discussions regarding the effects of hormone therapy without SRS are most important to me. I have looked deep within myself and find that at this point in my life, transition will only ever be as far as pre-operative. I also wish for that balance of male genitalia and female psyche/visual feminine recognition.

To many this may be seen along the lines of Lady-boy or Shemale, but to me it is a wholeness within myself. My comfort relies on the "Best of both worlds" theory, as it was put to me by my wife. But I have had to weigh up the gains to me mentally as opposed to the losses my choices will incure. Which include, seperation from my wife, seperation from my current and difficulty in gaining new employment, loss of most friends outside the CD/TG community, possible abandonment from siblings.

But I have to look at the benefits, and these include, a balanced life, inner and outer calm, greater acceptance of life in general, greater acceptance of myself, increase in self esteem, increase in confidence, and most of all the desire to live happily within myself.

Ladies this discussion is in essence confirmatory to my own thought processes to journey beyond mere dressing for comfort and inner peace.
To have others beyond the confines of one's own mind, think along similar lines, is comforting in the sense and reality of my not being alone in needing to be free of the restrictions placed by society on me regarding my role in this world.

I wish to thank you both for opening this discussion. It has been most enlightening and very thought provoking.

[Carolynn]

Hi Haley Faith!!! I hope I do not offend anyone with some of the language and descriptions of body function that follows. I have not seen it referred to often, and rather than rewrite and possibly dilute what I have said, I'll leave it with the apology.

I've read through your post a couple of times, and Sally's as well. In both I have seen aspects of my past self, trying various ways to balance my needs versus my fear of losses, which included loss of family, loss of employment, loss of friends, etc. I too built models of various sorts Haley, including buildings which I would populate with toy people, but of course that wasn't playing with a doll house since the figures were cowboys and indians, and the houses were forts and cabins. Nevermind what went on behind my eyes while setting them up and arranging their interiors. I also made models of planes and ships, which I cared about so much I would willingly sacrifice them to the 4th of July ritual of blowing them up with cherry bombs and firecrackers. They were just something to occupy my mind and hands, and they were miniatures which satisfied a need in me as well. I also would lose myself in books, and comics. I always detested organized sports, and didn't even like to watch it, though I had a basket ball goal and sometimes shot hoops and played Horse with neighborhood kids. I did not initiate the games, but I had the goal, so-----.

I have had and known I have had a body/mind conflict since I was 10. It was hieghtened when I began to enter puberty. I saw changes in my body, felt changes, that I didn't like, most of the time. There were a few times when the effects of mounting testosterone made me feel a kind of joyousness in a new found strength and stamina. I was always small for my age until then, and suddenly I was eye to eye with kids that had been bigger than me and kinda picked on me three months earlier, as I was one of those that suddenly changed just over a summer. I still remember the look of confusion and caution in one kid's eyes when he walked up to give me a hard time and found himself looking up at me instead of the other way around, so it did have an effect. At the same time, I would often wake in the morning and spend a half hour in the bathroom washing my face with cold water trying to stop the tears as I looked at that stranger in the mirror that didn't belong. Those were bad days, and carried over to my day at school. And the "wet dreams", the nocturnal emissions of early puberty; I HATED that. I had a full size bed, but I could not occupy that bed, or at least those sheets, after one of those. I would have to get up and change my sleep clothes and the bed clothes, in order to go back to sleep, even though I could have just moved over to a different part of the bed. (I wanted my genitals gone, and tried to set up conditions that would cause them to have to be removed, like bike accidents, which wound up causing pain and a few days of funny walking, but little else.) That interrupted sleep usually carried over to the day as well, making for a wasted, depressed day for me at school. I could still make my mask function, and no one really noticed any difference when I was like that, or if they did, cared too little to comment.

I still have days like that. My sense of self when I wake and walk into the bathroom half asleep is often not in sync, and when I see a male in the mirror I get an adrenalin rush, a little spurt of shock, before reality returns and I recognize that person. Some of those days I never look at myself in the mirror again, shaving in the shower, and drying off without ever facing that image. Other days, I just can't look below the neck, and when I am not really in the day, I will feel a moment of confusion when presented with the choice between male and female bathrooms, not sure which I should use. Some mornings I may dream of life as I should have been, and those mornings I usually just roll over and reach for the dream again, and just let myself be late for work. Depending on the severity, I might be a few minutes late, or half a day late.

Since I found myself pushed to the closet those many years ago, I have gone through repeated periods of denials, attempted to "sublimate" my need with work and other activities and hobbies several times, outright lied to myself, and tried any number and variation of compromises, which is why I was interested, Sally, in whether you might see your way to reassignment later, and in your plans Haley, for an essentially transgenderist way of life. I have gone through the same things you both have to an extent, except that I did know myself well enough to know I couldn't drag someone else into my misery, and so never married. There has been a cost in delaying all this, partly in that I have occupied a half life as far as I am concerned. Hell, there are always costs, no matter your choices in trying to deal with this crap. After all these years, here I am, still with the same body/mind conflict, and still needing to tend to it, and now I am determined to do that regardless of the cost. The costs will be very high in the financial security sense, but have lessened in terms of loss of family; time has taken care of that. Much of the cost will go into just trying to compensate for the effects of damned testosterone, because that stuff did step on me hard when it decided to do it. I expect to be a homely old broad, but I feel I need the reassignment to be able to percieve myself as whole, not for anyone else, just for myself. I do wonder, Sally, if homone replacement might have an effect on that perception, as others beside youself have described being able to find themselves at greater peace with the girl juice. Guess I will have to find out. For now at least, I would rather not wake up tomorrow as continue to live this way for the remainder of my expected life span.

And so it goes.

[Sally]

Hi Carolynn,

If HRT is right for you then I can vouch for the fact that it certainly changes your perceptions of how you see yourself and the world around you. It's only ever for the minority, but if it's right for us then I can say that what it's done for me has mostly all been good. I'd also add that myth and ignorance often far outweighs knowledge regarding transition, if you're not in a position to research it on a personal level with an experienced professional then it's of untold value to discuss it with someone who has been there done that. Much of the information I was initially told by people before I commenced my transition has turned out to be far removed from what I have actually experienced over the last 4 years, as I said, to date it has all been good with just a couple of very minor hiccups along the way.

It's also becoming more prevalent for medics working in the TG area to prescribe low doses of estrogen for M/F CD's who are experiencing gross emotional problems. It's been found in many cases to be beneficial for their emotional state without effecting any physical changes.

As for your question regarding me having surgery. No, I have decided to stop my transition at where it is and just continue on with hormone treatment without the surgery. The short of it is this, after weighing up all the facts about what I would lose in relation to what I would gain at my stage of life, I cannot afford to lose my family and those around me who we mean so much to each other. There is a very high risk, around 99% surity, that when someone goes all the way it ends up dissolving the marriage and I cannot risk losing my wife and children, also I am responsible for them and it's not just all about me. The longer I've been on the hormone program the easier it has become to come to terms with all this and with life in general, you might say it turned my life around, resurrected it completely.

If you want to discuss any of the transitional experience in greater detail then IM me and we'll set something up to get in contact with each other.

Kind Regards.

Sally.

[Kersten Lee]

Carolynn,

I don't know what to say... Sally has done great. It is so bad that many including you and I have had to suffer so only because we exist. It's harder yet for me to stay strong and be who I am than was all the suffering. I'm slowly coming through the otherside for it to be easier to be myself and be proud. I do still get in my depressions. I look to the day all that will end. Sally is a master. Sally is, well Sally. That is the best compliment I can give. I see in myself the battle is still continuing.

To Virginia, knowing what I know now, I know how wives would have such a resistance to us. Most of us were raised directly or indirectly to look at cross-dressers as defective humans or even sexual perverts. Some of us start out looking at ourselves that way and why would not women, especially our wives having the same perspectives. Women too, would expect having married a man that forever a man he shall remain. My wife and I have been trying to cope with this for 27 years. It's not over yet.
I'm so sorry to hear where you are at now.

Carolynn,I suffer with you and hope all will be good one day. It hurts me too knowing children are yet being treated as you, Haley and I were.
You can believe I will be thinking of you. Be Strong. As my therapist always tells me, Why give up now after coming so far. Renew your strength from us.

Love Ya,
Kersten

[Carolynn]

Hi all. I had my second session with my therapist yesterday morning. It was a LOT easier, since we had gotten most of the early baggage out of the way, and I was not feeling so much in shock. It was incredible to unload what I felt was such a burden. This time we are starting to talk about a future, not a past, about options, not endings, and I am feeling more optimistic and somehow lighter in my being. Odd, eh?, but oh, so very nice!!

The appointment was to last a half hour, but we got so deep into different discussions and perspectives, it lasted an hour. She said she could see a difference in how I approached this visit, compared to the last. I told her about my reaction of initial elation, and then, oh, not really a depression, but definitely down for a day or so, then I felt almost peaceful and able to concentrate on needed work. She said it sounds a bit like a grief sort of reaction, kinda like a loss, as something I have built up in me for all these years, lived with as a larger than life burden, was suddenly so easily, well not disposed of, but more like placed into a more manageable perspective, and suddenly the big bad boogie man wasn't so big or so bad anymore once it was shared. How very much I have needed to do that, face to face with someone!!!!! In a large way I owe that step to sharing it first here with all of you!!! . Until then it was locked in my mind and weighing my spirit as a millstone, and that's a rum place for pain and confusion.

She passed on a local (sort of) support group meeting place address and phone number that meets on Monday evenings, and suggested I might find some answers for some of my concerns, and be able to learn how others have handled them. Other people with my concerns? I am not unique? Perish the thought!!

It's a 50 minute drive into a part of the city I really don't care for, but I will have to try it at least once when I am in town. She also gave me another contact, a post-op, that will meet to talk with me over a lunch or something. I have to admit to being a bit uncertain about meeting these folks. I have never been much of a joiner, especially when the groups seem to be so fluid as this one is, but I am very much in need of learning as much as I can as fast as I can. Right now, she said there are a few more FTMs in the group than usual and most of the MTFs are fairly young, but the composition changes from year to year as each moves along in their respective journeys. There is no membership as such, just people getting together to share perspectives on a common concern. Hmmmm.

I feel better now, but I also feel a little, I don't know, as though I am at the top of slippery slope of change, with the need to heal mind and body, to blend and make one, pushing me perhaps faster than I planned to go. She said we will procede at my pace, and stop whenever I feel the need to, but right now, right now would be a good time to have everything completed. But there is a lot to do. There is so much to unlearn, so much to learn, and so little time; yet the journey is mine, it is for me, and it will take as long as it will take, I think.

Well, peace and respect to us all.