Crossdressers-Haven.com

Hi All--
I'm reading a 2004 book from the library, called Families like Mine--Children of Gay Parents tell it like it is. It's by Abigail Garner, who had a gay father.

The book covers transgender, too, of course. I'm dealing with this issue because of a 9-year old son of an ex-girlfriend, who knows about me.

I highly recommend this book. The author started support groups for children of GLBT parents, and she quotes many of these children (who are now young adults) telling about their experiences.

One point I'll mention. She says that a child may accept CDing while young, and then find that he or she does not want to talk about it to others when reaching 12 or 13. It doesn't mean that the child has stopped accepting the parent. It just means that the child is suddenly under the adolescent peer pressures that start at that age, and has to pick and choose who (they) decide to tell, if anyone.

One web acquaintance of mine was very hurt when her son did not want to tell anyone at a new middle school that the son was entering. Up until that time, the son HAD told friends at the elementary school.

Garner is pointing out that when you come out as a CDer, you have to make decisions about who to tell, and who not to tell. Your child has to make the same decisions, after you're out. It is not unreasonable for you to come out--that's not what the author is saying. But she's reminding parents that they have more maturity to deal with the issues that come up, while the child may want to avoid those issues until they're older.
A

Hi all,

Anita,

Thanks for the post and the tip. It sounds like a fascinating read. Although childless myself, I do spend time with my soon-to-be twelve year old niece. She knows that I crossdress but I'm not sure she understands the import of what she does know (she snooped around in my agenda several months ago and found my pix--the same ones that are on the forum gallery; I just told her that they were shots we did for a "funny calendar" at work... which I guess they are).

Of course, here on the forum, this has become a timely subject, what with the recent flak over the posting of children's pix. That TG parents have to consider the needs of their children even while they (the parents) are in their own process of self-affirmation is a given. The problem is always about how best to see to those needs. Just what (if anything) and when (if ever) do the kids need to know about their father's gender odyssey? It's a thorny issue and, over the past year on this very forum, it's been raised by a number of people, from Lefty and Amber (both SO's)--who believe that the teenage years are turbulent enough without parents adding to the possible sexual confusion of their children by bringing out gender identity issues--to Elizabeth, who views letting her kids know as a healthy way of entering into a true relationship with them, one that would no longer be based on a "false front" she'd so far presented to the world and, especially, to those she loves. We've even heard from the children of TG parents themselves; Julie's Daughter Person and Ada B. have both sounded off on how their respective father's crossdressing has affected them (of course, they both found out as adult children; who knows how they might've felt if they'd done so in their early teens?).

I find it telling (but telling of what? I'm not too sure) that it's usually the SO's who are averse to bringing the children in on this. I have mixed feelings about the whole issue. I was chatting with a GG on this board and, while I understood (and mostly agreed) with her view of sheltering the children from their parents's sexual and gender issues until they themselves were comfortable enough with their own gender identity to better understand what was going on with their father's, part of me wants to see this parent's coming out as a way for him to be better able to cater to the needs of his children by being in better mental health himself.

With my niece, without ever telling her outright that my own gender identity is slightly off the wall, I just try to foster her appreciation for diversity and her tolerance for eccentricity, wherever she sees these in other people. I try to teach her, mostly by example, not to be afraid of the world and of the sometimes offbeat people that live in it. I can never be sure if any of this is actually getting through. Only time will tell, I guess.

Again, Anita, thanks for the post. I'll be trying to look up this book for myself.

Love,
CJ

Anita, I also live in San Francisco. My three children all went to an Elementary School (my son is still there) with a relatively high percentage of families with same sex parents. The school has many events that are aimed at fostering understanding of diversity and the gay/lesbian/tg day is just one of them. I have found that the kids just go along for the ride and it doesn't matter much, just another assembly. I guess planting the seeds of acceptance and understanding is important, the earlier the better.
My son's best friend has two moms who split up and one got married to a man and had twins. As seven year olds, the fact that parents are gay (at 7 the word gay is just a label for his friends parents with NO understanding of the adult term) has no bearing. This particular friend is SO lucky! He get two sets of presents every holiday and even more since the women are in competition for his affection. That's what it currently means to have gay parents for him.
I think that if CDing is a sexual thing for a man there should be no reason to share that information with the kids. Your sexuality is your own and really, the rest of the world doesn't want to hear about it. tmi! (too much information!)
If you are in the process of understanding your femininity and are dressing in your daily life and especially if moving toward transition, your SOs (kids too) have a right to know and a responsibility to at least try to understand

Thanks for the info, Anita!

This would most certsainly be helpful when my nieces & nephews are a little older. Side note: my best friend's 13 y.o. nephew already knows all about Lorna and thinks it's "really cool"... LOL

Hi All--
CJ--I do hope your niece absorbs the information, slowly and steadily.
I too tend to feel that the father's mental health is a big concern of the whole family. Several adult children in the book said they may not have liked all the aspects of their dad's coming out, but living with him was so much easier because he had all his energy back again.

Mariasgirl--
Well, there will still be bullying on the playground and all of that, but it does help when everyone knows that the school policy is one of tolerance. It's also a big help when it's a school where more than one or two families are gay or TG. The kids will still get some flack, but they know they're not alone.

As for CDing being sexual for some--the book makes the point that coming out about sexual orientation or CDing does not mean having to talk about sexual activity.

EVERYBODY has private issues, things that only they (and maybe a spouse) need to know. My CDing was like that for years; I hardly ever did any. When it suddenly came to the front, I found I was using precious emotional energy to "hold it back." It was becoming an active secret, no longer just a private issue. That's when I had to deal with it.

I'll be happier if I can find a book specifically for TG people. Gays and transgender have some issues in common, but I could see that there are differences, too, that a book focused on gay life misses.

Lorna--
I am so glad your best friend's nephew finds this "cool!" Your life (as I've witnessed it) has a certain Big City glamour to it. It's at least a step in the right direction if kids that are associated with us see us in a positive light. It takes a little more work for them to see their own parents that way, but maybe it will come in time.