putting on a brave face

Rebecca · Post by **Rebecca** » Wed Oct 06, 2004 4:43 pm

Hello to all,

I started this as a response to Elizabeth's existentialism topic (now how do you spell that word?) then realised I was rambling a bit. So I decided to post this afresh. The first bit is what I originally wrote, then later on, a different bit.

Here's the original reply...

and Hi again.

I hope everyone is keeping well. Iv'e been on a bit of a downer of late... nor... the truth is ... Iv'e been bl***y miserable and scared. So please excuse me if I seem a little fatalistic about myself, it's not meant, I just haven't reached the other side yet. Now, where was I ?

Oh yeah, existentialism, or whatever it's called. I remember being at college when I was 19 and coming across it, it really excited me, but then I settled down and got married to the wrong person.

I know I am completely free, it's just that I can't bring myself to believe it. I also believe total responsibility for myself is mine alone, though I fail in that regularly. I feel I often let myself down, my beliefs are of my own observations of life, which I keep hidden from people often as I feel they clash with other people's. I torture myself for not being the person who I know is inside of me, trying to keep peace with the rest of the world, and failing myself. I can't justify another animal dying for me to eat or otherwise, when the simple existence of that animal might well be a greater wonder of life than my own. I am scared of going down the vegetarian route as I could get carried away with it and the only outcome would be to cease to exist. Other people in the world might think they can control me, but it's my choice if I let them. So, when I look in the mirror, I don't like what I see...a person within a puppet, and I tie myself down by pulling my own strings.................................aargh................I hate depression!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That was the first bit, which went off topic somewhat. Now for the next bit........

Hello to all once more, I'm not on anything......honest, it's just that Iv'e been hurting so much recently (in my head that is). It seems that when I'm under stress I dress less. This only makes matters worse, it adds more stress. I truly need to be the real me, that person inside screaming to get out. I have no problems whatsoever with the morals of myself, dressing, my beliefs, feelings, thoughts etc, it's having the courage or confidence to cope with the rest of the world that gets me. When I am gentle, other people can be so forcefull etc. When I am inspired, I am thought of as crazy. It is unlikely I'll change with my beliefs (Ihope not) though I sometimes envy folks who see things so simple, and pass responsibility on without any knowledge of what they do. The thing I'd change about myself is related to my confidence, self esteem, self respect etc. There are people in my life who value me, need me and for that reason alone I strive to carry on. It's been like that for a long long time,
I feel I drag myself on for this reason.......

Blimey, this is a load of smelly stuff, talk about feeling sorry for myself,
I'll stop here before I put everyone off their coffee. It's just how Iv'e been feeling of late, just a bit down that's all. I had meant this post to be a catching up post, I just ended up rambling on about...........

LOVE TO ALL
TAKE CARE
Rebecca xxx

PS- I'll have to think of something more cheerful to write

Jassmine(SO) · Post by **Jassmine(SO)** » Wed Oct 06, 2004 9:17 pm

Hey Rebecca,

Love ya!!!!

*Hugs & Love*

Calina_Leigh · Post by **Calina_Leigh** » Wed Oct 06, 2004 10:09 pm

I have had many a day where I just wanted to bang my head against the wall until I either broke it or the wall just to make the mental pain stop.

Rebecca · Post by **Rebecca** » Thu Oct 07, 2004 1:53 pm

Hi All,

Jassmine and Calina-Leigh,

Thankyou so much for responding to my post. I re-read it today and thought....well, I didn't know what to think. Not an easy post to reply to, I imagine. I had wanted to find some mental space to get back here for ages and then when I did, I ended up pouring out my heartaches etc. Looking back I realise it shows how much I think of this forum, and how I value everyone. How I have been keeping so much of myself hidden in everyday life recently, then when I log on, it all pours out. Of late it has felt like a purge, but one on myself, I began to really dislike myself, for NOT dressing, now that seems back to front, but that is how it's been. Anyway, those were my darkest and deepest fears about myself.

To everyone who has joined of late,

A BIG WARM welcome to you all, I am sure by now you all know what a great place this is. I have lost touch recently and would love to get to know you all, I have a lot of catching up to do. I know I have been given some real love here, I have felt truly cherished. It's like an oasis in an often unforgiving world, Best wishes to everyone.

To anyone and everyone who happens to read this

I know Iv'e been very erratic of late, Iv'e been trying to come to terms with allsorts of bits and pieces, and spiralling ever downwards. A daft example is .... Yesterday, My brother asked me to spend the day with him tomorrow, out of town. I don't often see him so this is great. Unfortunately he is having some problems and I know he is looking for support. Again no problem. My worry is that with my depression, I struggle out of town when not with ~D~. When I came off the phone to him last night, I came out in a nervous rash, Which has got steadily worse. It's daft things like this which I feel I let myself down with.

So, I'll get a load of reading done and see how everyone is, and come back with (hopefully) a smile.

Love to all
Rebecca xxx

Calina_Leigh · Post by **Calina_Leigh** » Thu Oct 07, 2004 6:10 pm

That is what I love about this place. There is so much support and you can truly see that you are not alone with how you feel.

Tea Cake · Post by **Tea Cake** » Thu Oct 07, 2004 6:35 pm

Hi REbecca!

I first would like to wish you a great fall!

Haven't had the pleasure of your company since back in midsummer---I am struck by your post--and moved

I often think that a swirl of emotion and articulate descriptions of such slippery things that you so giftedly point at with words--

are the soul of an artist clamouring for expression---

If I lived down the road from you--I would fill a box full of paints and crayons and paper and flowers and ...well you get the idea!

...and I'd leave that box on your flat-step( how's that for UKish, hee hee)

honestly though---your sincerity of emotion

and saturation of feeling makes me think you have an artists soul---

and must express it to achieve wholeness( however temporary)

all the best!!!-----------Tc

Rebecca · Post by **Rebecca** » Sat Oct 09, 2004 11:29 am

Hi girls,

Great to be here once again. I don't know why I worry myself so much. The day out of town with my brother went without a hitch and we traded thoughts on life and love (as y'do). I came close to telling him about my cd'ing but held back, he has a lot to contend with at the mo and I don't know whether it would make him worry all the more.

A big thankyou to both of you, Calina-leigh and teacake for replying, it means so much to me. I have seen many of us lose the plot at sometime or other and to be able to let it all out and still be accepted is priceless. It helps the healing process.

Great to see you around again Teacake, it's always nice to read your posts. ~D~ read your reply above and said that you had described me exactly right. I must say it is like a piece of poetry to me, very beautiful. And it also says an incredible amount in such a few words. An amazing anount actually!!!

Iv'e had an issue to deal with for a couple of months now ( still not sorted) which to many people may be trivial, but to me is massive. With this eating away at me, then I try to get well stuck in with my painting, sorting out on the computer that I need to do, wonder why Iv'e stopped my music, wanting to write a book, considering the meaning of CDing and it's importance to me etc etc etc etc, AND.....etc again, I reckon Iv'e just been trying to juggle too much at once. I had a good talk with my brother about a lot of this and he said that if I could get one success under my belt then there would be no stopping me.
We also talked about conforming to the 'norm' and when he finally graped.........I mean grasped.....he didn't grape anything. Anyway he admitted that in the long run, you have to be what you have to be. When I explained about my lack of confidence in coping, that's when he said I needed a success.

Strange thing, when I woke this morning my nervous rash had all but gone, it makes y'wonder about the power of the mind over the body.

Anyway, loads of hugs to everyone, I am still run of my feet with one thing or another, I'll post again very very soon.

Love to all
Rebecca xxx

Rebecca · Post by **Rebecca** » Sat Oct 09, 2004 11:31 am

Hi folks,

Said I'd post again very very soon

Bye bye
Love ya's
Rebecca xxx

Jassmine(SO) · Post by **Jassmine(SO)** » Sat Oct 09, 2004 1:08 pm

Hey Hey Rebecca

It is so very nice to see you back and laughing!! ##oo## They say it's the best medicine

I am glad all went well with your brother

Sigh.....I can so relate to having way too much running through my brain. I am still learning how to take one thing and one day at a time. I will make a little progress and then find myself backsliding. I will get it right one of these days ##oo## I just have to remember to "go with the flow" and to follow my whims whenever I can.

I am very much looking forward to hearing more from you. I have missed you

I'll be here if you need anything, my friend

Wishing you the best of everything and the brightest blessings

Stay strong, and know you are loved

*Hugs & Love*

Elizabeth · Post by **Elizabeth** » Sat Oct 09, 2004 5:26 pm

Hi Rebecca,

I have been following this post and thinking about it. I am sorry I waited so long to post, but I was trying to get a feel for where you were going.

I think you are feeling this incredible turmoil inside that is the conflict between our lives and obligations as men, and our desire, if not our need to be the person we truely are.

I sense you fear you will never get to be the person you truely are because your obligations as a man will never allow for it. And I don't have much to say to that except that being an existentialist, I believe we all control our own lives, and we need only be willing to accept the outcome of our decisions to to take that control.

The rewards of living as a free person are amazing, but the punishment for disregarding societies rules, written or unwritten can be just as amazing. You are in the turmoil of deciding if you can handle the worst case scenario of changing your life. No one ever really says this, but this is the struggle all of us face. Can we accept the worst? Will it be worth it?

The answer is? No one knows. I wish I had some more enlightening words, but there are no gaurantees. And you could lose everything that you hold dear.

I love you, and wish you luck with your internal struggle.

Love always,
Elizabeth

Anita · Post by **Anita** » Sat Oct 09, 2004 8:11 pm

Hi Rebecca--
I posted a reply to this several days ago, only to have the system log me out. This happens on certain posts, and I have no way around it. Sometimes it clears up in a few days, and that's what it did here.

You said that you've followed your ideas all your life, only to have others consider them crazy. At least you put them out there. Me, I had strong convictions, and only ended up putting out what others could handle, or accept. Not a good way to live. I paid a heavy price for that, and in this half of my life I'm much better at just putting it all out there.

But one of the reasons for that is because of my TG "stuff." Anita's emergence was my inner self saying, "This is one creation you WON'T be able to compromise, or hide."

I had stuffed my real nature down for so long that the volcano finally erupted. That is why I went from no CDing to out in public in 8 months. It wasn't so much bravery as it was a compelling force. It would have been much better if I had worked on expressing myself by degrees in the 20 some years before. I thought I was doing that, but it wasn't enough. I was extreme in my 20s and 30s in some ways, but it looks like I needed to be even more so.

Anyway--by expressing yourself to some degree all this time, maybe you won't feel so compelled to put all your creative force into outing yourself as Rebecca.

I have not paid a heavy price for what I did--I am MUCH happier, and much more alive. But as Elizabeth said, there's no guarantees, and it's much better if your crossdressing does not steamroll its way into public life. Go only as fast as is comfortable.
A

Virginia · Post by **Virginia** » Sat Oct 09, 2004 8:16 pm

Hi Rebecca,
WEll, it is a "Magical Mystery Tour!" You have all your sisters here to help and in return you can help those of your sisters who are also struggling by sharing your feelings with them and how you are coping! Sharing and helping is what we are all about and you know we are here for eachother, so keep the faith and know that we all love you.
Virginia

Rebecca · Post by **Rebecca** » Sun Oct 10, 2004 2:22 pm

Hi girls,

THANKYOU THANKYOU THANKYOU

for all the love and wisdom in your replies. At a time when Iv'e been feeling so down, it's a reminder to me that Iv'e been getting myself wrapped up in myself into a little ball with my head up my own a**e and rolling around willy nilly with no direction. Well, not much anyway. Such positive feedback reminds me of the important things. I'll digest all this and be back, PROMISE. Take good care, all you beautiful people

Love to all
Rebecca xxx

Lorna · Post by **Lorna** » Sun Oct 10, 2004 11:50 pm

Hi Rebecca,

I know how you feel. Every so often I go through the same feelings; it's hard to explain why these feelings cvonsume us every now and then. It's tough to live in a society that forces one personality upon you when you clearly feel that you want to express anopther.

We all want to be loved. We all want to be accepted. That is human nature. But we also want to be ourselves. We want to be happy. I for one have always been a firm believer in being proud of who you are, no matter how existentialist or outside the box you may be.

You are a beautiful soul. And you deserve to be loved and accepted for who you are, for whom you want to be. Never forget that.

Rebecca · Post by **Rebecca** » Tue Oct 12, 2004 1:07 pm

Hi Lorna,

Thankyou so much for your reply, it means so much. Over the last 24 hrs or so, yet more responsibility has emerged. My brother is having a real bad time and is in need of support. He is staying at our house for a while, also ~D~'s mam has moved near us and keeps popping round and giving me lists of jobs she wants doing around her new house.

I think it's when things like this pile up that I find no time for myself mentally or emotionally, then I put my more personal nature on hold. Then I feel resentfull at myself for not being myself. I know I can't show my inner self to my brother with the state he is in right now, and ~D~s mam would probably muster up a lynch mob against me. So, in hiding I remain, even in my own house, and that's what hurts, that something so important to me should remain unexpressed even to myself.

I feel I put everyone first all the time, and constantly wait for some freedom that will never happen.

Thanks again, Lorna, it's great to hear from you, I'll be back as soon as I get a chance. My next two days have been fully booked for me

I feel more emotion at these moments when I get to log on than any other time of late

Love Ya's all
Take good care
Rebecca xxx