Crossdressers-Haven.com

Okay, here goes....

Jacki and I have been looking into buying a bar and making it a TG bar. Jim will NOT bartend there. I want to separate Jim form this but Julie WILL bartend. So that means I will be dressed 5-6 days a week.

I am off work now and have a lot of time to dress. I have found the more time I spend dressed the more I feel complete. When en drab I carry a lot of emotional baggage. I'm pissed society is so prejudiced and closed minded. I'm pissed my wife flip-flops on this like a fish that's just been landed. I'm pissed people think stupid things like, "you MUST be gay, you're just not admitting it". And I can carry that with me all day long.

Once I get all dolled up that vanishes in a cloud of smoke. I become more social. And as Deb said in therapy, I'm more real. That really hit home. But I knew she was right. I am more real really means I am more me.

I have been this way all my life. I have never known what it's like being comfortable in my own skin. I have had to try really hard to be a "guy" because it never came natural to me. I have tried to live up to other's expectations. But it's not working. I drink too much when I am trying to mask the pain and that happens every so often and I don't like it. I just want to feel some happiness. I just want to be the person I truly am. I can't do that if I pretend to be what my family and friends want me to be.

Will I ever transition? I doubt it. There's just too many negatives I see there.

Will I ever go 24/7? Not as long as I'm working construction! I figure I need to work at least to 62 to get all the benefits so that's another 9 years. What will I want to do at 62? Who the hell knows!

Right now I just want to enjoy life. My marriage is just a shell. We aren't physical and haven't been for a long, long time. She just has no drive and I got tired of being rejected, it had nothing to do with dressing. My parents divorced and I saw the pain the kids go through. I stayed for them. My wife on the other hand is relatively happy because she's just not interested in sex. If you take away the dressing it would be almost perfect for her. But if you do that you take away a big part of who I am. While I love her in so many ways we don't live as husband and wife. It's more like she's my roommate but she still wants me to act like I'm her husband, just leave out the physical part. I see marriage as an emotional and physical bond between two people. I can't feel close to her if I can't be close to her.

If we do the bar I know I will be a lot of work. But I'm like Little Miss Sociable when I'm dressed and I would be even more so behind the bar. You've probably seen I can be compassionate and kind and understanding, things that will be useful with the TG crowd. Sometimes I feel like I've been there done that with just about every TG issue. And you know how people like to spill their guts to their favorite bartender. So I'm seeing the bar idea as something that has a lot of positives.

On the other website that I moderate one of the members posted a "we love julie" message. I tell you I got goose bumps. The outpouring of love and appreciation just warmed my heart. I must have connected pretty well to get that kind of response. So I see being able to use that part of my personality to warm up to patrons and create loyalty. This idea HAS to generate an income or I won't do it. All the factors I am looking at say it will.

There's other issues at hand. too. At my session today Deb said there's a group she thinks I would fit into very well but that we'd discuss it next time. They meet on Sundays and it's not bar oriented. I think it's a TS group. I'll go, not because I think I want to have a sex change but to learn what it's like for them. I will know if I fit or not. My gut feeling is I won't but exploring this I think is a good thing. I told my kids countless times when growing up, "Knowledge is power." I want as much knowledge about this so I can make the best decision. She also suggested I read a book which is TS oriented so maybe she thinks that's where I am. This will play an important part in the equation if true.

When I look at all this I see it's a lot to digest. So much is hinging on so many things. But I need to pursue this. I need to find out all these things. I need to see if I could really handle getting dressed 5-6 times a week. I need to see if that changes my perspective. Will I tire of it or will I find myself at peace? I figure I have an interest in doing this, so why not explore it?

I read a lot, "Think about your wife" Well I have, a lot! And while I love and respect her in many ways, I don't see her ever accepting me wholly. Some have no idea how much it hurts to have the woman you love wholly only love a part of you. It's like a stab in the heart every time you are reminded of it. I don't want to live like this.

I won't be jumping into pitch black darkness totally unprepared. I'm taking this step by step. I won't do anything that is irreversible unless I know it's the right thing to do.

I know sometimes I don't take the time on the forum to fully explain my thoughts but I hope I did that here for you.

Take Care,
Julie

PS: Virginia, I tried PMing this to you but it wouldn't go so I put it here. I have nothing to hide here anyway.

Hello Julie

I guess I don't have much to say about your idea of the bar. They can make money, but there are a lot of ins/outs I have no clue to. Sounds like it could be a fun place.

About the rest of your post, Welcome to the world of gender confusion! I would say Debs is spot on with the recommendation you check out the TS support group and the references she has given you. You need to know if you see yourself in the others, or if your coming from a different place. My therapist has set me up to go to a support group meeting on this coming Monday, my very first, and I am very curious and intensely nervous about it. Most of my doubts come from the arena of passability, and I need to have an idea about what is possible. If you follow Debs recommendation in a few weeks, maybe we can compare notes and impressions?

My therapist has made it clear that there are lots of stopping points on the road, it just depends on where you feel comfortable in your skin, as you said. It is OK to be non-op; many are due to lack of finances for example, or family concerns, or some of the other factors you list in your post, most of which I have experienced too. Sometimes it seems when you start on this road that there is a rush to be complete as soon as possible, especially if it is long suppressed. That is the hardest part for me. You are younger than I, so there is time, and you will need to procede at your own pace and make your decisions. I have waited long, but though I am 61, I have little choice but to complete myself. It's just that I feel time slipping away....... ya know? Only your understanding of yourself will help you decide where your path leads and what you can "live with", and even the pace you may follow, and that may change with time.

I tried an earlier version of this post, and it failed to post. We will see what this one will do.

Love,

I could see you were headed in the same general direction as Elizabeth with your dressing, which is why I asked why you would change when your wife was coming home.

Looks like you've thought it through pretty thoroughly.

As for the bar, I hope you have good luck and that your area will support a TG friendly bar finacially.

You know, climbing a ladder in heels isn't all that hard

Julie!

Firstly go do that bar it will be sooo cool, you'll meet so many nice new friends I would go along if I lived near you. You would just have such fun, could be the best thing in the world ever.

As for which path to take, I keep having this sort of thoughts in my head of just going totally femme, cos like you, I feel just complete and so much happier, more relaxed, more just me.

I still haven't cut my nails, my Sister keeps saying I should but I just say to her cut yours lol I have flashes in my head of growing my hair long, I haven't hat it cut in 3 months, the longest for me EVER! It's a bit of a mess but I'm still wondering if I should grow it long.

Anyways, I'm trying to say that at times I wonder what to do too! I think later on down the line when I have 100% come out and no longer care about what anyone else is thinking about me, I think I will grow my hair super long, I might wear nail polish during the day, I might look into growing breasts cos at the end of the day I would I know for a fact be sooo much happier and at the end of the day all that matters is if you are happy or not!?

Right now I am happy to just stay as I am, slowly achieving my lil goals one by one. I think you have sorted all your lil goals out so now it's the big one! I hope do whatever your heart tells you

Sophie xx