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I went to my second therapy session dressed today. It's really hard to describe the difference except to say I feel so much more open to everything. When I'm dressed things that normally bother me I just deal with. Things I have a tough time getting out I just say. Things I struggle to understand I get right away.

In the short span of a week I feel like I have traveled so far. I understand myself so much better and I accept who I am now. That couldn't have happened if I kept going in drab. If fact I found myself resistive when in drab. Jim can be a stubborn person at times.

During the session I told Deb how I had evolved. At the moment I realized I had something that others would mock or criticize me about, I started to encapsulate it. Every time a feminine trait surfaced and I was criticized for it, I took that and sealed it in the capsule. This went on for over 50 years until there was nothing but a shell. I felt like I wasted a life. I hid who I was and failed to share with those I love the real me. Now at the age of 53 I am finally realizing that and it saddens me.

Deb told me I have wasted nothing. She pointed out all that Jim did in his life. The friends who's life he enriched, the family he shared good times with, the woman he married, the kids he raised, the respect he earned from his fellow workers. I felt my throat constrict as she said that. I knew she was right.

Therapy dressed for me has opened my eyes to so much. When we went to couples counseling last Friday I wanted to go dressed but didn't want my wife to feel uncomfortable. So I told myself to make sure Julie is there, even though she will be crossdressed. During the session I felt Julie slipping away. By the end I thought she was gone. I told Deb that today and she said I was wrong. She saw Julie come through just fine. Even my wife said the same thing. "You didn't get mad at what I was saying." That made me feel good. I had accomplished something positive.

Now I can see things only getting better. Today my wife came home from work early. I was still dressed (I was eating a salad) and she didn't seem the least bit bothered. We talked for a while and it was very nice. She said she's glad to know I'm Julie. She knew it all along, she just wanted to hear me say it.

Deb gave me some information about a TG/TS support group that meets the 4th Sunday of every month. I will be attending the next one. It will be interesting to see how I connect with them.

Forty-five minutes is too short for all I wanted to talk about but Deb asked me to think of how to incorporate Julie into the real world and if I can even do it. She asked me to look at all the options and make some decisions on which step I want to take next.

I'll also be reading some books that should help me figure things out better.

Thanks for listening,
Julie

Sounds like you've turned the corner towards a more peaceful self awareness.

It also sounds as though your wife is now accepting that you are now Julie, not Jim. Don't backslide, even if (when) she does.

Make sure you take plenty of tissues or hankies in your purse when you go to your TG meeting.

Hi Julie,

Does this mean you're transitioning? Is this why Julie is becoming more real? Is it because soon you are going to live as Julie real time and all the time?

The reason I'm asking is because I never made a separation of your born gender and your femme gender. So I just want to make sure I'm not missing anything.

I'm glad things are going better and you're progressing.

Beauty

No, Beauty. But the options are left open. I am in a transition period in the sense I am trying to find out who I am. I predict I will never alter my body as lond as I can have my get-aways. This is part of me I need to express. Being cooped up in the house or even just limiting it to the bar scene won't do it.

So time will tell.

Gotta go

Julie

You hang in there Julie. My wife and I have had 3 sessions ourselves so far but had to stop them for awhile due to my mother's illness. (Alzheimer's)

I thought that we were making very good progress. I know that I had a tendency to interrupt my wife a lot in our in conversations...largely, I felt, to either get a word in edgewise or to defend a position of mine that I very passionately believed in, but I came to realize during our sessions the importance of letting the other person complete their thought process first.

I sure hope that you and your wife can work things out to both your mutual satisfactions. Marriage is a hard enough institution and partners who are put in the position, willingly or not, of having to cope with people with our unique speciality need to be reassured that they are loved for who they are as well.

Best of luck to you both and keep us informed of your progress.

xoxoxoxoxo,

Christine

I'm always interested in your posts, Julie; keep them coming. Those TG meetings will help, a lot. A forum like this is good for knowing you're not alone, but it's not the same as being in a room with others who share similiar experiences.

It can be exciting to figure out just how you want to be in the world--what's realistic, what's possible. I know what you mean about having to deal with the "wasted life" feelings. Everyone has them, but for me they've been devastating at times, and it does me no good to get stuck in that. I really have to work at getting through them, sometimes.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other.
A