Crossdressers-Haven.com

Hi girls,

I have been down in the dumps the last few days. And I am not really sure why. I read one of Julie M's posts and just burst into tears, I could so relate to her pain and her joy.

I have talked about a feeling of being in a free fall, where I am falling into a black hole and I don't know how long I will be falling, and I don't know where I will land, yet I must believe that I am going to land on my feet. I guess the uneasyness of the fall is really starting to get to me.


I know I am in a transitional time in my life. I know that the uncertainty of these times have always made me weary. I have always been a Type A personality. Decide what you want to do, find out how to do it, then do it. I am sure many of you can see that I have applied this same methodology to what is going on in my life right now.

Ok, I am a crossdresser, Get counseling. Learn from counseling that I must accept myself, and love myself. Identify needs. Extrapolate path to aquire means of fullfilling needs.

But hold on? There is no path. I must make my own path. Path to where? Well? I need to be accepted. I live in a great place for this. California has got to be one of the most accepting places in the USA. I can go out dressed anywhere, and get treated really well. Not once has anyone made me regret being out dressed.

I need to feel loved. Well, this is kind of tough. The love of my life walked out on me. My brother who was my best friend, business partner, and confident, has also walked out on me, telling me that I may not come to his house dresssed, and further that I betrayed him by keeping this a secret about myself all these years. I have long been estranged from my parents. I only recently started talking to one of my older sisters, and one of my older brothers, I had been estranged from all of them, four sisters, and two brothers, not including the one who recently broke ties with me.

So basically, everyone that I ever thought loved me, besides my kids, has turned thier back on me. My daughter, 21 left and lives with my wife and her boyfriend, although she claims it is just a matter of convenience because now she only lives a few miles from her boyfriend, and before it was over 100 miles keeping them apart. She says that she has not taken sides, and loves me just the same, and I beleive her, although it really hurts me that she lives with my wife and her boyfriend.

My youngest son wants to live with whoever he is with, when he is with me, he wants to live with me, but misses his mother terribly, as you might expect a 10 year old boy, who is the baby of the family. He loves me, but he has not yet come to the age where he identifies with me as a man, and now coming out, perhaps never will. In any event, it is clear that he does not want this divorce. He askes me hypothetical questions about what terms I would get back together with his mother, all the time. I remember at that age thinking my parents getting divorced would be the end of the world.

My 13 year old, and my 17 year old have both made it clear that they want to live with me. They are both very angry at thier mother. I have encouraged both of them to remember that she is always going to be thier mother, and that having experienced being estranged from my own mother, that this is a very bad thing. I have told them it is ok to be angry, but that they must remember to also plan on forgiving her, when she takes the actions she needs to, so they can. I remind them that my fight with her, is not their fight, and I can take care of myself in this regard, and that I know with absolute certainty, that she loves them very much.

So here I am. A "type A" personality, with no plan. I have no earthly idea how I am going to find happiness, acceptance, and love. I know, many of you are saying, "you already have that in your children", and yes I do. But children are different, they feel an obligation to accept, and as they come into thier own, and meet new people, and perhaps the loves of thier lives, perhaps this will change. Perhaps thier SO will not be so accepting, and not want to be around me, or want thier children to be around me. This is not paranoia, this is a real possibility.

My children are going to grow up, and leave and go out into the world and live thier lives. It is not like they are going to be with me everyday, and I must accept that possibility that as they come into thier own, they may not accept my view of the world, and indeed shun me. It is not like I have not had others who proclaimed to love me turn thier back on me. In fact, so far more have than have not.

All of this has got me thinking about how I will fullfill my needs. And I realized that I still have not come to terms with myself. I have not accepted the basic premise that only I can make me happy. I am still holding up my "male" shield to hide that fact that I am really scared about what the future holds for me. That I don't have a plan, and don't know where to find a plan, and I don't know how to carry out that plan even if I did have it.

I am absolutely not sure about anything. I wake up dreading each new day, wishing it were over, as soon as it starts. Not having a plan to me is like just wasting my life. Why worry about anything, because nothing matters anyway. Do what you need to do, when you need to do it. Don't worry about anything, don't think about anything, because nothing is going to happen right now anyway, because I don't even know what I want, much less how to get it.

I really just don't know how to come to terms with all of this. There are so many views here, and so many people coping in so many different ways. Who's to say what is right or what is wrong? We all only know for ourselves, and I don't know for myself, so I am stuck. I feel like some time just has to pass. I don't want to leap before I look. But waiting is killing me. But I really don't see anything else I can do, because I know I am in transition. I am not what I was, but I also am not what I am going to be.

I hope someone out there has something to say about all of this. Even the slightest comfort would mean a lot to me. I don't need a light at the end of the tunnel, just a reassurance that there is a end of the tunnel. That I am going to break out into light, and start to see things how they are. I feel like I am in a metamorphisis.

Love always,
Elizabeth

Hi all,

Elizabeth,

Does a caterpillar dream she's butterfly, before she becomes a butterfly? Maybe. Does she wait, coccooned, while the season around her changes and the days go by? Yes. she does.

Does an acorn, seemingly helpless as it lay, unmoving, on the ground, know what great oakhood is coming its way? Maybe. Time, and only time (well, okay, sunlight and rain, too) will lead it to its stately destiny.

Does a child ever despair of becoming "big" enough for those around her to see her for who she is--a person? Undoubtedly. But that won't happen until she goes through the trying and lonely growth pangs of her teenage years--a time of great change and learning.

Have faith, Elizabeth, that, despite your moments of fear and doubt, nature or the universe or God (or all of the above) is taking you by the hand and leading you (sometimes gently, sometimes not) to where you were intended to go. If you do have time on your hands, take it to appreciate the moment. Ultimately, and regardless of our best-laid plans, it's always in the moment that we recognize who we are.

I send summer-warm hugs your way to help see you through the fall and winter.

Love,
CJ

Thanks CJ,

I love you, your words wamed my heart.

Love always,
Elizabeth

Hi Elizabeth,

I don't think it's possible to word my post as beautifully as CJ did, but I will tell you that the cloud will end.

I'm not sure patience can be taught by anything other than life experience. I'd say you're being a great student right now. Hang in there the wait isn't as long as it was when you started. You're doing a most excellent job!

You're in my thoughts and my prayers.

Beauty

Hi Elizabeth!

I wish could say something wise having read your post but I can´t. Not being a native american or englishman makes it a bit difficult to say something profound but I really do hope you´ll be able to find the strenght to live each new day and sort things out with your children and other relatives. I also hope that your brother, no matter how betrayed he may feel now, someday accepts you and understands how difficult it is to tell about CDing for someone close.

Joanna

Hi Elisabeth,

Thank you for being so honest hon. You are going through a time of adjustment. You are not only having to adjust, but others in your life need to adjust to you. Some of them will, some of them won't, some of them will not be able to. You need to find out who is who, and then move on from there.

Once again you have put insight into my life, by what you have said here. I hadn't thought about it, but I also used to be like you needing a plan, and then working towards it. What has happened for me is that by letting go of that (self imposed) requirement. I have learned to look for what I can do to enjoy today.

I used to think that if I could only obtain such and such, then I could get to a point where I could be happy. I have discovered that nothing is farther from the truth. By attempting to hold on to what is going to leave me any way I was missing out on everything I needed that could make me happy.

Many friends will come and go, some will stay longer than others, I enjoy making new friends, and I continuously do that. No two people are exactly the same, and to lock into one or two, there-by closing out the rest, causes one to miss out, on many things.

Once again the need to be tied into a few trusted friends is nothing more than a another false security. Not that you won't have some friends who stay close for many years, but the friends you make will be friends with you because of what and who you are, as opposed to being needy people. And those are the kind of friends I need to have in my life.

Once again Elizabeth you have helped me to understand this by your feed back. And I thank you Girl. We can grow together.

Hi Elizabeth.

Elizabeth wrote: I am not what I was, but I also am not what I am going to be.

I like CJ's analogy to a waiting catapiller in a cocoon. It seems most apt, and goes along well with your sentence above that seems to reflect your insights about yourself best. It is the waiting that is the hardest in any endeavor, whether it is in the prelude to action, or to just becoming. You are doing well, although it may not seem like it at the moment. Remember that in the end, dying is easy; it's living life to get there that is hard, but in that it is possible to find Joy too! You are living life, it's just not at a place you are the happiest right now. You do have choices, and from choices come plans. Define your choices first. It has hurt you that you feel rejected, and you perceive more future rejection in the course of life. But you also have found acceptance, as you have written about on these pages, and you will continue to do so. Just "Keep on Keepin'on", one foot in front of the other down your current seemingly narrow path, and before you know it, you'll find an entire freeway to walk.

Hi girls,

Beauty,

You make me think of the Tom Petty song "The waiting is the hardest Part". And yes I do feel like I don't have as far to go as I once did, but by not knowing where I am going, or how long it will take it becomes difficult to gauge progress. Thanks for you words of encouragement.

Joanna,

You seem quite adept at the language, and sometimes just having a sister like you to tell me to keep pushing forward, can be enough reason to make it through another day. Thanks

Darlene,

You have taught me so much about "letting go" of the symbols that I used as a description of my life, instead of truely living my life. I hear this again in your post. It is this insecurity that is created by letting go of those symbols that presents the biggest challenge to me. I understand your words that I can waste endless time looking for new symbols, when all I really have to do is just start living each day, but I really just don't know how to yet. That is my dilema. I am used to having a script to protect myself from uncertainty. I know in time I will adjust to this, and learn how. I hear this same message in my other sisters posts here too. I love you and thankyou for you words, they mean a lot to me.

Carolynn,

I can't believe your incredible insight, I never said anything about dying, however I would be lying if I said I have not been thinking a lot about it lately. In fact I have used the words "dying is easy" in my own mind recently. I do at times feel a sense of hopelessness and dispair, apparently it came through in my post, although I was trying to hide it. Thankyou for confronting that here. It says a lot about you, and how you must feel about me. Thankyou.

I have overcome a lot of obstacles in my life. I have been through uncertain times like this before, and that is the reason I know that some time must pass. That in time, my direction will become more clear. But when I am under a dark cloud, it is easy to forget that the sun still shines in other places, and that it will shine again for me. I love all of you, and thank all of you for your support, I guess I just needed to hear it from someone besides me. I am certain I will have more to say on this later, but I have not slept much lately because I am in a flareup of my illness. Again, thankyou to everyone, I love all of you dearly.

Love always,
Elizabeth

I'm going to be harsh, blunt and maybe cruel here, maybe.

nothing matters anyway

Where do you get off? Everything matters. You matter. Your kids matter. You matter to your kids. Your brothers and sisters matter. You're loved by more than just your kids, even if you may not see it or feel it.

What I see is the loneliness that has finally hit home, and the depression that goes with it. I assume you are still unable to work, which adds to the depression. And then there is the thinking that soon, all those around you will be moving on, leaving you, where?

You seem to have put your life on hold, and can't find the right button to push to answer the call. If I'm wrong here, then stop reading.

Depression kills. Sometimes only therapy can help. Furthermore. . .

You must not wait to get on with your life.

You should get out and maybe find some volunteer work you can do, meet new people. No one is going to come knocking at your door. Hell, open a store catering to the CD/TG world. Do something. And while your doing something, work on your plan if you still need one.

I've read a number of accounts of CDs divorcing, finding another SO, divorcing and then finally finding the one SO that is their soul mate. You'll not find that person without getting out and meeting new people.

So, you're transitioning. And you said it yourself, you live in CA and people are more accepting there.

We all know why you're transitioning, at least from what you've told us, and support you. However, I am not going to support your depression. Instead I hope to give you a kick in the pants, or skirt or whatever, and hope you it helps motivate you.

Don't hate me.

Hi Elizabeth--
There's no mention of other TG people in your life, at all. You can use support right now, and I think you correctly see that the ones around you aren't in a position to provide it, or else they don't want to.

You aren't that far from LA, and there is a lot of TG support available to you. You were in show biz for a number of years, so you won't be "blown away" by the diversity of the Big City.

There are decisions only you can make, and it'll take time. Not fun, for those of us who like action! I can feel for you there. But you don't have to re-invent the wheel, either. The idea of volunteering is a good one, but an even better use of your time (in the short run) is being with other TG people of all stripes.

Even though I have no immediate plans to do hormones or live fulltime, I gain a lot by seeing my transsexual friends each week. Their lives are more similiar to mine, because I am trying to live at least part of my daily life as a woman.

This is such an unusual activity that we need constant feedback on it. Especially in a time of crisis like yours.

Re-read CJ's post from time to time--it is a beautiful piece. And I hope that Donna's words above can be taken in a spirit of coming from the heart, with good intentions.
Anita

Hi girls,

Elizabeth wrote:

Not having a plan to me is like just wasting my life. Why worry about anything, because nothing matters anyway. Do what you need to do, when you need to do it. Don't worry about anything, don't think about anything, because nothing is going to happen right now anyway, because I don't even know what I want, much less how to get it.

Out of context it sounds like "nothing matters anyway", but in the context I wrote it, what I meant was that no short term decision I make right now is going to matter. And wasting a lot of my time thinking about just depresses me. Because I know that as time goes by, and I get used to being who I am, and my divorce is final, and the immediacy of everything ends, I will be able to make more long term plans. For right now that, it is better for me not to worry about it, and just take care of my responsibilities day to day, hence "Do what you need to do, when you need to do it. Don't worry about anything, don't think about anything".

Depression is nothing new to me, and I am sure most of you have fought depression most of your lives. I have found that a lot of my depression comes from futile action. I have decided that no matter how hard, this time I would do nothing, rather than take futile action so I could say I was doing something.

Because my illness is so debilitating, just going to the mall and walking around for a hour or so is about as much as I can do without become really fatigued and end up hurting. And because my wife has left and with her, her income, we have about a $1600 a month shortfall in income. We have cut expenses dramatically, but still, I have no money to drive to LA for entertainment, not to mention the drive is very difficult for me because of my illness. Not to mention I have my children to care for.

So you see, there are just a lot of things that just have to play out before I can act, and those things just require time. Right now I dress 24/7, but I may not feel this way in the future. I have been told that by many here. Making important decision about my life on the assumption that I will always feel like I do right now, could have dramatic consequences, not just for me, but also for my kids.

I beleive more along the lines of Darlene's thinking, that perhaps for me, letting go of this need to "do something" could be the one thing that I really need to do, if you will pardon the pun. I want to learn to just live my life, not feel this compulsion that I only have a value as long as I am doing something. I want to be at ease with myself, with no expectation. I have never done that. I think that once I can be ok with just me. Then I can form a plan that will reflect what I really want for myself.

In the meantime, (please sing in your head) "The Waaaaaaaaaiiiiting is the Harrrrrrrrrdest part".

Love always,
Elizabeth

Hi all,

Just got home, read this thread, and changed into some very relaxing clothing, and am ready to comment.

Elizabeth will be fine. She is well past the point of needing a kick in the butt. (No offense intended). She received that quite adequately when she first came here, And it got her moving. She has tasted some success (she has indeed come along way). Once one tastes success they will not stop. She will do what she needs to do to continue.

What she is going through is normal, change dose not come with out a struggle. She has reached a place where it is impossible to go back to where she was, and she is now on a path that can be scary at times. She is being pushed to learn new ways of living, and that is not always easy.

I have walked that same road, and know what it is like. Also I have the same medical condition that she has, and what she has told you is true. It's not easy for her.

Elizabeth honey, don't let this experience stop you from posting when you feel low. You need a safe place to do that.

I have responded here in full knowledge that all who responded have done so with the best of intentions, and with a good heart. And I am not attempting to be critical in any way, of anyone.

Just worried about you Elizabeth. Had a cousin not too long ago off himself. Noone saw it coming. I worry about my youngest brother too, since they were close. My brother has degenerative disks and has been in great pain for a long time and unable to work.

Understood Donna. No need to explain.