The Crossroads

[Elizabeth]

Hi girls,

I am at a very interesting point in my life. I have seen a dramatic turn in my life that I could never have predicted and now my life is headed in a direction, that .....well????? I am really just not sure where it is headed.

I spend countless hours thinking about this, and wondering what is happening to me? What should be happening to me? What is happening that is not supposed to happen, and what is not happening that should be happening. As you might imagine, that is a lot to think about.

Because I am disabled and do not work, and now divorcing so I don't have the will of a SO to consider, I am estranged from my parents and most of my other immediate family, I am in the position of being able to dress as much as I please.

Tonight I went to a program at my son's school, he is in the gifted students program, and it was thier night at school. Because of this I got rid of the nail polish, makeup, and girl clothes, because this is one of the few things my kids have asked me to do. And I do understand, even though all of his friends know, and he has been outted at school, he don't want to be embarassed in front of the teachers, and some parents of his friends that might be so opposed it would affect his ability to see them.

I could not get those cloths off fast enough, and my girl clothes back on. I felt like I had a costume on. I may as well been dressed like an "Urban Cowboy" or in "Biker" clothes. It was like I was pretending to be something, and it really made me feel uncomfortable, and made me regret that I agreed to do it.

I don't want to be alone, but I also don't want to have to put on a "getup" to find a woman who may or may not accept me as a man who don't like wearing men's clothes. And don't like doing "manly" things. I mean, I don't see how this is going to play out. Women like men. Hairy, smelly, sports talking, beer drinking men. I don't know where I will find a woman who is going to want a man, who dresses all the time?

And I really don't even know if I will still desire to dress all the time, a year from now. And what if I do? And what if I must return to the work force, but can't stand wearing men's clothes? Do I just do it, and hate myself again, and live that life? Or do I try to find work as a crossdresser? I mean, how do peroperative transexuals get jobs? All these unknowns.

It is all very daunting. I just don't know what to think about any of this. Comments welcome.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Alexandra]

if there ever was a blessing in disguise, this is it! You're not tied to a job where you'd have to worry about risking your well being. If you are going to look for work, you can show up for an interview in female garb and if you get the job, you'll be home free . . . and if you start to wear men's clothes again, what could they possibly do? good luck.

[Curly(SO)]

Hi Elizabeth,

I found this link, don't know if it will be of any help.

http://www.tgender.net/taw/

BTW I don't know many women that do actually do dream of 'Hairy, smelly, sports talking, beer drinking men'! Funny, kind, charming and well-groomed, are the words I hear most often, when women are talking about their ideal man. (Though I have to admit to a penchant for a bit of fresh sweat )

Love,
Curly(SO)

[Anne]

Hey kiddo, hang in there!

Although you deserve a much longer reply, I've got a bug today & the words aren't all there.

Part of all of this is day by day. If each day greets you with dressing up, then it sounds like a plan. If you wake up & decide to go in a different direction, that may be.

There are job retraining programs in most larger urban areas for disabled & displaced workers. You'll have to do some poking around. Personally, I have thought that if my fibro got so bad I was unable to work outside the home I'd either ask my employer to consider telecommuting (won't work long term most likely) or just consider doing web site work. Computer training is usually included in the retraining programs. Just a thought, not a push.

One last thing - while I'm very partial to a hemline, I have gotten some womens jeans & slacks. You can dress 100% in womens clothing and still not look like it. Yes, you might have to put a mens wallet in a pocket instead of the trusty purse but at least you won't be in a total mens costume.

All my best, Anne

[Terri(SO)]

HI Elizabeth,
I agree with Curly, a man who is at ease with himself, funny, charming are the things we look for (though some hair can be a good thing too if its not just in his nose and ears ).

But seriously, I totally understand your feelings about not knowing the future will bring and not knowing how to plan for it. I find my own emotions swinging like a pendulum sometimes but try to hold on till they swing back to center. Try to live in the moment and take one day at a time. Sometimes its easier said than done and I have to continually remind myself.

[Catkisser(SO)]

Hi girls,

I don't want to be alone, but I also don't want to have to put on a "getup" to find a woman who may or may not accept me as a man who don't like wearing men's clothes. And don't like doing "manly" things. I mean, I don't see how this is going to play out. Women like men. Hairy, smelly, sports talking, beer drinking men. I don't know where I will find a woman who is going to want a man, who dresses all the time?

I don't know how many times I have seen posts in which (non tg) men are described as above. Is that the choice that you guys see??? You either have to be a guy like that OR dress like a woman?? You know, not all guys are like that.
About finding a woman - you are right, NOT many women want to be with a man who dresses like a woman. That doesn't mean they want a beer swilling oaf either.

[Virginia]

OK Elizabeth, honey, ---- quick lecture!
There are three types of people"
1 - Those who make things happen!
2- Those that watch things happpen!
3 - Those that have to wonder what the hell did happen!
Pick a category! I know what you will pick, so you go girl and make it happen
WE love you.
Virginia

[Carol Ann]

Elizabeth sweetheart,
I think Virginia summed it up best, At one time I was at the end of the world and no where to go. In short I was a 24/7 DRUNK But there is hope for everyone and you my love have my prayers. Carol Ann

[Jassmine(SO)]

Hey Elizabeth

I agree 1000% with MariasGirl, Curly, and Virginia.

Also, don't count out meeting a woman who won't mind you dressing all the time I can't be the only woman who doesn't mind it out there Remember, anything is possible and never say never.

Wishing the best of everything and the brightest blessings, my friend

*Hugs & Love*

[Elizabeth]

Hi girls,

Thanks for all the wonderful posts.

I know of course that all men are not hairy, smelly, sports talking, beer drinking creatures, because I was definitely in the later catagory of "Funny, kind, charming and well-groomed", when I still dawned my "man suit". I think being transgendered, it made me aware of just how disgusting men can be. And of course working construction also really opens your eyes about "real men".

I think I may have come off as whiney and upset, when in reality, I am just completely confounded. I am quite capable of taking it one day at a time, although I have never really done this before. I have been planning on going back to college. I already took some classes. Perhaps this could be my way. I could dress at college, and there are plenty of women my age in college, not that I am locked into my age, but I do feel most comfortable with women my age, and I find them quite attractive. However, I did not start college in the fall as I planned because of the breakup of my marriage and everything being so uncertain, not to mention all the stress, which triggers my illness.

I guess I am just afraid of being alone, It has been so long since I have been alone, I don't know how to act. I am almost in a panic about it. Like I must find someone to share my life with, so I can feel fulfilled emotionally. And even that makes me feel like even more of an emotional basket case. I fear that I am just going to have to tough it out for a while. Learn to live with just me. But in truth, I really don't know what to do. For the first time in my life.

I mean, before if I needed something to happen, I called me. I am one of those people that make things happen. But I can not make anything happen right now, because I just don't know what I want to happen. I really appreciate all the advice, and I see a theme developing. I guess I just need to build some self confidence.

Thanks, I love you all very much, and any additional input would still be most welcome.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Beauty]

Hi Elizabeth,

I don't think you're whining. I don't think anyone else thinks that either to be honest.

You're going through a break up of the largest legal and mental proportions. You're doing fine.

You do look like you have the right idea. Self confidence means everything and I'm not sure right now that can really be done any faster than you're doing it.

You'll find a gal when you're ready and she'll accept you just the way you are OR more than you realized was possible.

We love you!!!! You're doing just fine!!!

Beauty

[Loretta Ann]

Elizabeth,

Worry is tax paid on un due accounts. Many of the things one worries about never materializes. You have seen that in your life. Many of the things you previously worried about did not materialize when you came out of the closet.

As you know I quit cross-dressing for eight years. I was sure that I was going to find a life mate, and worked hard on myself to become a better person so that I would be able to get the kind of woman I wanted.

As it turned out I reached a place where I was actually sought after by a lot of woman who knew me.

Guess what happened? I reached a point where I did not want that kind of a relationship. and was able to make a conscience decision to live by myself. Go figure.

One day at a time honey, learn to be content with what and where you are. Work through the issues that lay in front of you. Conquer them first before you move on.

You do not know how you will feel about things once you get through them. A lot of women your age (at least the kind that I was interested in) do not want someone who is unable to be comfortable with who and where they are.

And like wise If I were to decide to get into another relationship. It would need to be with someone who was OK with where they are.

[Virginia]

Hey Elizabeth, Going back to school !!!!! GREAT!! Since you and I are "in the same boat." I have considered that course of action also. I would not be going back to meet a woman, as at my age, I have had enough of them for a while. I have a Masters, but I would like to take some other lines of education and I think the "homework" would help keep my mind occupied with school work and not dwell on "other things."
Keep me posted, honey!
Love ya,
Virginia

[Jassmine(SO)]

Howdy Elizabeth

I have to agree with Darlene. In fact I have given that very same advice to other friends.

You have the freedom now, to pursue anything your heart desires and valuable time to get to know yourself. Learning to be happy alone with one's self is not easy, but it is necessary. Noone but you can make you happy.

Figure out what you most wish to accomplish and take it one step and one day at a time The rest will take care of itself, in time.

Forget the past, but not it's lessons, you can't change it. Don't worry about the future, as you have very little control over it. Live for the day One never knows when one will not get a tomorrow.

*Hugs & Love*

[Julie M.]

Elizabeth,

I can certainly relate to you 100%. I am an overthinker and sometimes all those thoughts need to be organized before you can start addressing them, one at a time.

I feel so fortunate to have found a therapist who is so knowledgable about the TG world. I asked her the other day how she knew I was TS so early on. It simply boiled down to her vast experienc with working in the TG world.

Her suggestions to me can easily apply to you. First she had me read "True Selves" by Mildred Brown. That book alone unlocked many doors and answered so many questions I had about myself. Then she asked me to join a transition support group. My first meeting is tomorrow. Now I know I will be spending time with others like me and continuing down the road to know myself better. She's giving me the tools to be proactive.

I'm sure you can find support groups in your area. From there they can help you move to the next level, whatever that may be.

Just remember this is a journey. You may 'arrive' someplace in life but the journey will continue. Just remember, "When your green you're growin'. When you're not you rot."

Love,
Julie