hmmmmm

[SophieLawson]

There is a program on Channel 4 tomorrow night about teenage transexuals, it looks reallly interesting. It's on at 9pm, but I was reading an article about it and it's got me thinking.

I was at the counseller today and I was asked if when I dress she is a different person and I said I think so, seeing as Sophie has her own name. I was then asked things like do you want to live as a girl and things like that and I couldn't answer them.

Do you really know if you are a cross dresser? Transvestite? Transexual etc I used to feel like I only needed to dress, I always dreamt about living as a girl but it was never anything other then just dreaming.

Just lately I feel like I want to go steps further... I know I want to get out and about dressed up, but I wonder if I might end up wanting to live 24/7 as a girl seeing as I am much happier when dressed it would make sense.

I've actually been slightly confused this past week thinking about stuff. Does anyone else ever wonder if they are just wanting to dress or if they want to go further then just dressing at home?

Another thing is, I think why do I feel I have to cut my nails when I clearly don't want to but I just feel I have! It's not fair.

Sophie xx

[Kathy]

Ahh, Sophie, you ask such excelent questions!

I recieved a piece of wisdom a couple of years ago from an acquaintance about an entirely unrelated topic. I have found that it applies to most aspects of my life. He said "if you need to ask the question, then you are not ready".

I can only speak from my own experience here. For me, CDing was an evolutionary thing. From a sexual fetish to an emotional outlet to a feeling of comfort and now, just an occasional hobby.

Oh, yes, I asked those questions of myself many, many times. Why do I do it? What does it mean? Should I have been born a girl? Am I TS? And more.

All the while that I was asking those questions, there was one question I was not asking. And it turned out to be the most important question of all. It was only in the past couple of years that I realized I was overlooking this one question. And, as I started persuing the answer to that question, I found I no longer needed to ask the others as I already knew their answers.

What was that one question that was, for me, so important?

WHO AM I?

You have the benefit of two things I never had until recently. First, you are seeing a counsellor. I have never been to one. Second is this forum. While I made considerable progress finding my answer on my own, it wasn't until I found this place and the compassion, wisdom and knowledge of our sisters here, that my answers started falling into place.

Beauty's advice from the "Changes" thread is very wise indeed. Take things slowly. Follow your heart. Your answer will come from there not your head.

When you have your answer, you will no longer need to ask the question. You will just know. Then you will be ready for the next phase of your journey.

Until then, enjoy the journey for the journey's sake.

[Josey]

Hi Sophie,

Kathy is absolutely correct. You do ask some very good questions. What we all do here I have been doing for over fifty five years in one form or another. When I was younger, I had no doubt that I wanted to be a girl. That just wasn't done then, or at least not publicly. I remember seeing the film clips about Christine Jorgenson and thinking how lucky she was. Now, a lot older, I really don't know if I do want that any more. Part of me says that I won't be around long enough to enjoy the results of that much money expenditure and pain and sufferring. Then again, there's the fact that being an older woman is no where near as glamorous as being a young one. That goes for both sexes.

What do I feel I really do want? I wanted breasts of my own. With the help of a good friend doctor, I now have some, be they ever smaller than I would like. If I lose weight, will I lose them? I hope not. I wanted my brows waxed. Done as of today. I want to pass so I am working with weight watchers to get rid of over a hundred pounds. By next year at this time, I hope to be down from a 3x to something in the teens (14, 16, even 18 ). Currently, I have no place to go but stay home and talk to my daughter on the phone. I want some place to go while dressed so I can share and talk with others without fear of losing my entire male social standing. Read that as getting the tar kicked out of me. Do I want to change my sex permanently? No, not right now. In fact, I would guess that those days are probably long passed and I would be happy just with the ability to dress and have fun at will.

Sorry I went on so long but you have hit on a subject which swells up in me passionately. It is probably the biggest reason I wish I were still 20 and living in this day and age. I know my answers would be greatly changed. Thanks for the time to run my mouth, or fingers.


Hugs,
Josey

[Merinda]

Great advise girls ,

I dont think I can add much to this after that great advise other than to say follow your heart Sophie.
If its what you really want then take the path , if your not sure then sit back and enjoy the ride and see where it takes you

[DonnaT]

Sophie, you say you are much happier when dressed. In what way? Think about that for a minute.

What are you happy with, as a boy (socially, physically, emotionally)?

What are you not happy with, as a boy (socially, physically, emotionally)? What changes would/could you make to correct this?

Now think about this, you've not been out dressed, not socialized while dressed, probably not met, in person, any other CDs, TVs or TSs (I'm guessing here) unless you are in group therapy.

Now see where you are, where do you want to go, what do you want to be (career wise). Could you do it in boy mode and be happy, or would you be happier in girl mode.

Most of us feel good, euphoric even, when dressed. I could never see myself doing it 24/7, not even when I was a teenager. Some of feel even better when we see our CD image and what can be achieved with a little makeup, etc. And I guess knowing how good you look dressed and hearing it from us doesn't help. But that is not all there is to happiness.

Making changes to one's body takes a LOT of soul searching, which is good that have a counselor to help you somewhat. However, there are probably as many cases of those that have regretted the changes, even afteer counseling, they made to their body as those that do not regret it. So what ever changes you may think you'd like to make, don't make them permanent until you know for sure you won't regret it.

Pretty soon, you are going to have to venture out in the real world as Sophie to see how you handle it. You keep putting it off, because you a scared, which is very natural. Only then, and after you've answered all the questions you have, will you know who you are CD, TV or TS.

As for going out, I would suggest going with your mom and sister to the mall or shops. Just walk around and try to relax. Sit down for a cup of coffee, then let them walk away a bit while you remain seated. Name a place to meet up, then proceed to the meeting. Doesn't have to be all in the same day, as little steps lead to bigger ones. You aren't going to be able to decide who you are until Sophie can get out on her own.

[Katy-Jane]

Hi Sophie,

I don't really want to presume to advise you, but I did have a few thoughts reading the posts on this, which I thought I would share.

I have heard the same quote that Kathy wrote in reply, but worded slightly differently. Someone said to me, "if there's any doubt, there's no doubt", which I took to mean that if you have to question yourself, you're not ready. I don't know if that applies to you, but it has sometimes helped me, in many aspects of life.

Perhaps I am a little luckier in some ways, in that I know I have never wanted to do more than dress privately, or maybe around a trusted friend or two, and I haven't had the feelings you talk of, so it's easy for me to talk! Dressing does make me (and I'm sure most of us) feel great though, and like anything that makes you feel good, it's easy to get hooked on. The reality of living as a woman must have it's own down side, so I guess all you can do is think about the whole experience of womanhood, and see if you really would prefer life that way. In my experience (of life that is, not specifically CDing), the grass is not always greener on the other side.

I hope you find you find your answer, and enjoy the journey to it.

hugs,

Katy-Jane

[Anita]

Hi Sophie--
That's very good advice you're getting up above.

What I would add is similiar to what Donna T was saying. When I started going out, I begin to interact with people, both men and women. The way they treated me was different than I'd ever been treated as a man. At the same time, the way I acted as a version of a woman was different than anything I'd done before.

So you can get to know who your femme self is a lot faster when other people are reacting to her. And if you know more about who she is, you will start to know what works for you.

I hope that it will become easier for people younger than say, 45, to experiment with being public about their CDing. That seems a long way off, at present. I can live a dual life because I'm self-employed, and long past the age where I have to live up to anyone else's expectations of me. That wouldn't have been the case when I was your age.

Take it slowly, and do enjoy the journey along the way. There's ups and downs along this path, but overall I'm grateful day-to-day for the things that this has shown to me. I hope you can experience that too.
Anita

[Patty M]

Sophie,

I've had the same questions as you. Where do I fall in the continuous line of gender? I would like to have my own breasts but only large enough to be hidden when in drab. Because of health concerns I would only try to achieve this with the help of a competant doctor. It seems that the main reason that I would not want to change completely/ permanently, is that I would hate to lose the people in my life that I have come to love. I am active and happy being involved in a group or two and have a wife that loves me. I think that for me it will remain a compromise for a long time to come. Follow your heart.

Patty

[SophieLawson]

Woww, thanks such amazing advice !

Can't say thank you enough, I had my counseller today as well and that just went so well my head feels much more focused today.

I think I will follow my heart like you all said and enjoy the ride lol

Sophie xx