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I have previously referred to the femme part of me as a 'side' or a 'part' or something that insinuates it's attached to the whole of me. The other day I was talking to my wife and in the conversation I said, "This is not an extension of my whole self, it's my core. Everything I am starts from this. It is the basis for everything I am."

As soon as I said it I realized I finally explained my female personna. It's my foundation that everything is built upon. That's why it never goes away, why it's never triggered by something, why I can't just walk away from it, why I want to transtion. It is the core of me and my male 'side' is attached to it, not the other way around. And a personna with a female core doesn't want to dress, act like or be a male.

I had the hardest time explaining this for my entire life but once I said those words I knew I had finally gotten to the core of what makes me tick.

Julie:

So you are saying that you never attempt to destroy or ignore that female side.

That is hard to believe. I have attempted to many times to destroy that side of me, it is like the killer side of me ( only in the Army ) to attempt to kill the sniper that is there. to just plan forget that I destroyed 12 lives in the name of war. I have attempt to forget that also but I can't as the WHY;s are there why can I do that and finally except for some nights that the faces in the scope come back.

I see the female side of me as the same thing. I still put away but as the faces from above I can never do away with either. BUT WHY. Gelinda.

Gelinda,

Julie is saying that she is accepting what is in her soul and being. Whom ever is God can forgive you but you have to know and forgive yourself. What ever happened in war can be forgiven. Most warriors do what they must. What ever happened does not condemn you. What is in you does not condemn you. From so many whom have helped me through my self hate and depressions, it came down that others can forgive me, love me, and know I am not evil. Through all this help, I have finally forgiven and loved myself. I found that loving what I am, gave me the freedom to exist as I am.

I am a kind and good person and now that I am free, I am free to be and feel the things that are me. I find I did not even need forgiveness. I was made to believe I was evil by those who have a need to hate to feel superior to others. Julie M., You and I are those "others". You are one of heavens creatures as is everyperson on this tiny earth! You are unigue and very special.

Love who you are and love those that wish to despise you. (That is a very hard some days, but I am learning that love cleanses my soul. I believe if you try too, you will grow stronger as I have.)

Love,
Kersten

Hi Julie,

I have to congratulate you on your personal discovery. All of us in this forum (wheter we want to transition or not) are all on a quest for the same thing: self-acceptance, happiness and inner peace. You've just identified what drives Julie - this is wonderful!!

Gelinda wrote:Julie:

So you are saying that you never attempt to destroy or ignore that female side.

No, I have tried many, many times but it never helped. It would be like trying to destroy the foundation of a house and expect it to stay standing. If you ignore the foundation of a house and it cracks, develops leaks and begins to weaken, you have problems. That's the same with my foundation. It's built with a female personna. On that everything else lies. I can't ignore it, I can't destroy it and I can't replace it without destroying myself.

I have two choices, let it go and watch it crumble and take everything with it or accept it, take care of it and build a better structure on it and thrive in life.

I was spiralling toward self destruction. I can see that now. I didn't see it then. Already I have healed immensely. Yes, there's a lot of pain in the future but I will emerge healed and healthy. I couldn't say that if I hadn't made the decision I have.

Hey Y'all

Lorna wrote:

You've just identified what drives Julie - this is wonderful!!

Well said, Lorna Julie, I do believe CONGRATS are in order I know it took a lot of hard work to reach this point. Wishing you the best of luck on your continued journey of self- discovery

Gelinda, I have always thought of myself as a very equal, yet opposite person. I am capable of being very kind and loving and yet I am also capable of great cruelty. I know bliss and joy, while another part of me has intimate knowledge of a vast sorrow and pain. I respect and cherish all life, and yet there is a part of me that is capable of killing, should the need arise to defend myself or those I love; or to stave off starvation. I was born into a female body, and yet I have a very strong masculin nature. I am dominant by nature, and yet I still feel the need to be submissive occasionally. I am very strong and still very fragile.

I feel that all humans are very similar in this way, as one must have both sides of the same coin within themselves to be whole. One must know sorrow to know joy. One must know light to know dark. In other words one thing cannot exist without the other. I also feel that reconciling these opposistes within one's self is the most challenging part of finding true self acceptence and inner peace.

I wish you the best of luck and the brightest blessings

*Hugs & Love*