Still I Rise

Lorna · Post by **Lorna** » Tue Nov 16, 2004 12:21 am

To quote Maya Angelou (one of my favorite poets) "Still I rise."

The hard truth that we all have to face is that not everyone in this world is going to like us, even in a "safe" environment where we may perhaps "expect" acceptance, where acceptance can be taken for granted, regardless of what your lifestyle may be. But sadly we must remember that conflict will always exist no matter where we go.

I just posted a few of my pictures into another transgender forum, and was more or less blasted by the other TGs mercilessly. Not verbally per se, but that forum also has a feature where folks can rate various posts. Their rating system works on a scale from +5 being the best to -5 being the worst. The points can also accumulate in either direction; depending on how many people rate your post. So far I am at a -17.

It doesn't bother me because as I've mentioned before, I've long since given up on what people think of me. I gave up on that years ago. In fact, this is what I posted in response:

You know who you are, and if you think that you somehow "hurt" me, then think again. I could care less. What people think of me is IRRELEVANT because I LOVE myself.

I'm DONE listening to a society where I have been taught to HATE myself simply for wanting to BE myself.

I was merely 26 when I started openly CDing. I also don't mind mentioning that I was met with great hostility from a lot of the older & more experienced CDs here in the NY scene. At the risk of sounding arrogant, I can only assume that it could be due to jealousy. But why? Was it because of my youth? Or my shorter height? (5'9" versus many who were well over 6') Or my passablility? (Despite my inexperience with makeup at the time I was still passing - I neither asked to be so passable nor did I ever assume I was passing at that time but I did and guess what - that wasn't my fault!!)

Fortunately I let neither the catty attitudes nor the rude horny admirers stop me.

Fast forward to the present day. I am 6 years older, a few pounds heavier, and gained a few facial lines, which is a part of getting older(which I fully accept & embrace) My confidence has grown by leaps & bounds (I go where I want , plus I perform standup, dressed, at a mainstream comedy club once a month) And at this point you can bet your butt that I have long since learned how to deal with hateful people. However at this stage in the game, I still struggle in terms of dealing with jealous people. I hate to admit that jealous people still make my blood BOIL.

Why, you ask? Two reasons. 1) There is no greater self-destructor than JEALOUSY, 2) how can anyone possibly think that my life is so great? I spent the better part of this year out of work before finally accepting a job that pays 1/3 of what I used to earn. Plus I do not have a spouse or an SO in my corner (no prospects either) and I have to really scrape to make the rent every month. Not to mention that still have difficulty in getting along with people in general.

I know that many of you may say "Hey Lorna, don't sweat it, you're still young" but as time goes by, it does become an increasing concern of mine. Before I know it I'm 40, then 45, then 50, and so on & so forth...

"What happened to Fonzie and Vinny Barbarino? Their shows got cancelled! Why? Because nobody wants to see a 50 y.o. hitting on chicks!"
- Adam Sandler's buddy in the bar, The Wedding Singer, 1998

Yeah it's just fiction, but still food for thought nonetheless. So with all that in mind, I don't really see how "great" or "desirable" my life can possibly be, so just don't envy me too much. But then again I consider myself to be a VERY tough person so don't pity me either.

But still I rise - because I am still learning. We all have our lifelong lessons in this world - I guess this is mine. I am still learning how to deal with difficult people, and probably will continue to learn that for the rest of my life. And I shall continue to rise to each challenge as I continue on my path of personal growth.

Loretta Ann · Post by **Loretta Ann** » Tue Nov 16, 2004 2:21 am

Hi Lorna,

Since I have known you...you have gone through a lot, you are definitely not the same person you were a year ago. you have come along way.

Love Darlene.

Elizabeth · Post by **Elizabeth** » Tue Nov 16, 2004 2:38 am

Lorna,

The greatest thing a person can have in this life is to be able to get to go out in public and get to be themselves. Don't you see? Everyone wants to do it, but they are so afraid. Because society dishes out harsh penalties for it. Which you describe. Not long after I came out, my brother told me "we all want to live our lives as we please, what makes you so special?"

I used to make $90k a year before I got ill. That kept me from coming out. Because if I would have, they would have taken that away from me. I did not have the courage like you did. I waited until it was all gone. Until my job, my business, my health, my house, my car, and my wife were all gone, did I finally come out. There was nothing left for society to take from me for crossdressing.

But now that I did, I wish I would have let it all go, and come out sooner. I would trade all the money, the fake relationship, the house, all of it, if I could go back and not have lived those years as a lie. Because in the end, I am in the same situation as you, except, I did not live my younger years as me, like you are doing.

Hold your head high sister. You may have it better than you realize. I don't know how to record the value of getting to be yourself, but it is a great thing. The answer to the question my brother asked? Well, it's that I am willing to live my life as I please, and indeed it does make me special, as it does you.

Love always
Elizabeth

Post by **DonnaT** » Tue Nov 16, 2004 7:36 am

Some sites are visted by trolls who try to undermine the purpose of the site. I know on one site, where I post some of my stories, they have a rating thing too. The ratings and some of comments are absolutely negative, but the emails I get are positive. Doesn't matter to me either way, I know what I like.

So don't worry about the ratings, as it is most likely the trolls. And I'm sure the positive feedback you get from here outweighs the negative there.

Kersten Lee · Post by **Kersten Lee** » Tue Nov 16, 2004 7:28 pm

Lorna,

Good for you, girl! You are great, just keep believing it!

Kersten

CJ · Post by CJ » Tue Nov 16, 2004 8:01 pm

Hi all,

Lorna,

You dance to the click of your own heel; don't give a second thought to those who envy you your rhythm and style.

"They" can take away a lot of things--your job, your home, your pickup truck and your dog, too--but the one thing that's yours and that nobody can ever take away is your sense of yourself as a worthy person.

Dance on, sister!

Love,
CJ

Anita · Post by **Anita** » Wed Nov 17, 2004 1:16 am

Hi Lorna--
It's gutsy to post on a site where they rate pictures. I'd say they're trying to punish you for something you wrote on that site, but who knows?

Don't waste any time, but take some comfort in knowing that it doesn't all stop happening at 40 anymore. I was really surprised to break through all these age barriers that I used to hear about. "Fifty is the new forty," is a quote I have read, and it's certainly been true for me. Hold your head up high, gal--you've opened lots of doors in the past, and you've still got a lot of adventure in front of you!
A

Anne · Post by **Anne** » Wed Nov 17, 2004 6:58 pm

Every group had a different dynamic - look at how many churches of the same faith or sports bars or other social places there are in a large place (& NY is large) and you come to figure there are places that would welcome you for who you are & places that you turn a blind eye & say I don't give a dam* about what you think, I know I am a good person & the next joint is down the road.

You are a +500 here!

Anne

Lorna · Post by **Lorna** » Wed Nov 17, 2004 7:44 pm

Thank you girls, I really appreciate everyone’s input.

This is not about some stupid point system on some silly message board. If I were that self-conscious over what people thought of me, I would have gone back into the closet years ago, back when other CDs turned their noses up at me or when I was told to my face how bad I looked on a bad makeup night (we’ve ALL had bad makeup days once or twice) But I digress.

I’ve just been feeling incredibly disorganized these past several days, and extremely stressed & exhausted from other projects. I come home in the evening after lifting heavy slabs or rock all day, and it’s pitch dark. I am angry. I am irritable. I can’t go out & treat myself to a nice dinner because I have no money to speak of. Hence I have not been out at all in November because I can barely afford a loaf of bread to keep in my fridge let alone a nice dinner out.

As a result of the heavy work I have been doing, I can't help but feeling that it not only has a negative emotional effect on Lorna, but my general mood as well. I have been doing too much of the “male” thing these past few weeks with all of the drab engagements & projects I have been forced into. As a result, I find that dressing for “just a couple of hours in the evening” is no longer enough. The few hours that I have can no longer counteract the emotional effects of playing “Alpha Male” in a dirty hole with heavy slabs of rock for 8+ hours every damn day.

I just want to return to a state of semi-normalcy. I just want to get up in the morning, go to work (Macy's) come home in the evening and relax. I want to know that the rent or the electricity or the ohone will be paid on time because I CAN. I want to be able to go out on the weekends and take advantage of living in a wonderful city – just like I used to. Most importantly, I want to be able to get along with people at least once in a while.

I did it again – I’m rambling and going off on 10 different tangents as usual – but getting it all out does help somewhat.

No matter what I may be involved in, I just have to remember that I have a right to be myself. It’s strange how past feelings can sometimes creep in – years after you’ve learned to love and accept yourself and have learned hot to just BE yourself.

I know that the Holiday season is approaching, but the FIRST thing I do when I get paid will be to treat Lorna out to a night on the town. I have EARNED it. Outfit, dinner & the whole 9 yards. But waiting till the end of November sure is going to be tough... hope I make it till then before I crack.

Lorna · Post by **Lorna** » Wed Nov 17, 2004 11:10 pm

Can an admin please lock this thread? I'll explain in PM.

Meanwhile, I'll be off getting drunk. What the F*** is the f***ing point???

Jassmine(SO) · Post by **Jassmine(SO)** » Wed Nov 17, 2004 11:54 pm

Hey Lorna,

I can relate to some of what you are going through. The budget here has been tight to say the least and just getting the bills paid is a relief. We have zero money for anything extra and sometimes it gets a bit depressing. Then throw in feeling over worked and stressed out, and you wind up with a lovely case of burnout

Sigh......

I have been doing a lot of reading and meditating to try and relieve some of my stress. I also find lighting a few scented candles does wonders. As does a stroll outside in the beautiful Autumn night.

Hang in there, mmmmkay

Me

you

*Hugs & Love*

Calina_Leigh · Post by **Calina_Leigh** » Thu Nov 18, 2004 8:35 pm

Lorna,

I know that you wanted the admin to lock this thread so I hope you don't get too upset with me for posting. BTW I raise my glass of Egg Nog* and offer a bottoms up.

As to far as what is the F***ing point. Heh if anyone really knew, maybe the world would be a better place. So just live life to the fullest that you can and enjoy whatever little pleasures you can get your hands on, I know I try to.

*Egg nog w/Yukon Jack

Oh, about the jealousy thing, I am not jealous but envious of you. Well for that matter, I am envious of all the people on the board that is stronger than me and can face the world like you do.