Crossdressers-Haven.com

Hi all,

I came across this statement. The author claimed he would never allow anyone else including his wife see him dressed, in-spite of the fact that she knew that he was a cross-dresser.

Some CD's need to dress for others, and others, dress only for themselves.

I do not need to dress for others, but that would not stop me from allowing someone to see me dressed who I felt would not want to harm me.

In fact given the right circumstances I could probably allow someone to see me dressed. if I were in a position where I was 100% anonymous, and there was no chance of that person harming me.

My question is; What do you all think about this?

Hey Darlene

Interesting question....Personally, I think that all CDer's dress for themselves first and formost, as it is a means of expressing who they really are, even if they are the only one's to witness their dressing. I also think that dressing for others' or being out in public dressed, is a personal descion, based mostly upon one's desire as to how often they wish to express this part of their being to others'. So, I think a more accurate wording of the satement would be: Some CDer's are perfectly content with dressing for themselves only and others' feel the need to make a more "public statement" of who they are.

*Hugs & Love*

I've seen a number of posts on the various sites where the wive's ask why their husbands can't or won't share it with them, instead of the other way around. I think if it's part of who you are you should share it with your SO if she/he wants to share.

Jassmine(SO) wrote:
Some CDer's are perfectly content with dressing for themselves only and others' feel the need to make a more "public statement" of who they are.

*Hugs & Love*

I think you've summed it up perfectly Jassmine

Darlene,

I am not so sure this can be answered in terms of true or false, because what is true is so subjecitive. I mean, everyone has thier own truth, and historically speaking, the truth is what you can get the majority of people to beleive at any given time. It was once true that the earth was flat, and the sun orbited the earth.

Having said that, I beleive that all crossdressers dress for themselves. Because they have this need they must fulfill. Who see's them dressed is a matter of how much a person desires acceptance. And this works both ways. Many crossdressers will never even tell thier SO's because the fear of rejection is so great, and not without good cause. We have seen that most women do not want a man who desires to look like a woman, even part time. While many will tolerate it to varying degrees, there are very few who will offer total acceptance. I mean, most women are attracted to men, they have a biological response as well as social conditioning to be attracted to men. And those who are attracted to women, want a woman, not a man who looks like a woman. It puts us crossdressers in "no man's land" if you will pardon the pun.

However there are also those who will come out precisely because they don't need approval. Because it does not matter who sees them. They do not rely on this approval or disapproval for thier well being.

It is my beleif that there are two camps. One is the camp that craves approval. In this camp are those who have a strong desire to pass. For them, passing means approval. They gain approval through anonimity. The failure of society to notice them, is the same as being approved of. A person in this camp would not want to be seen by anyone that they felt would not approve of them. So a person who feels this desire to be approved of, would not want to be seen, if they were either unpassable, or felt that they would not be approved of.

The other camp are those who do not care if they are passable, and do not rely on approval to fulfill thier needs. Because of this lack of a need to be approved, it allows them to let anyone see them dressed.

My experience here has made me believe that a person is in one camp or the other, that it is as engrained as our need to crossdress itself. It is my beleif that it is rare for anyone to change camps.

I am in the latter camp. Passing is of little importance to me. What anyone thinks is of little importance to me. Perhaps because I have not ever viewed myself as being passable, or being accepted by my SO. From my perspective, this need will not go away regardless of who approves or who does not, so it becomes mute to care. On the other hand I am sure that many who are in the other camp must look at me and wonder how I could not care what others think. How I could pass up the exhileration of passing in a society that doesn't even realize I am there.

So my answer is, it's a false statement. As I have said, I believe all crossdressers dress for themselves. However, this is only my truth.

That is one girls opinion.

Love always,
Elizabeth

Complex question. To being me personally, in the past I have generally not bothered to CD unless there were going to being a lot of people to seeing it. In my present situation I do not have so much opportunity to go out, so I do CD in private more, but I don't usually do makeup unless I'm going out (it's too much trouble if nobody's going to see how pretty I am and uses up too much makeup which I can't afford to buying very often). But still, I do it primarily for myself.

We have seen that most women do not want a man who desires to look like a woman, even part time. While many will tolerate it to varying degrees, there are very few who will offer total acceptance. I mean, most women are attracted to men, they have a biological response as well as social conditioning to be attracted to men. And those who are attracted to women, want a woman, not a man who looks like a woman. It puts us crossdressers in "no man's land" if you will pardon the pun.

Oddly enough, I have found since I started CDing that there are a surprising number of women out there who are really into cross-dressers. Of course I'm sure that my age and the kounterkultur I choose to associate myself with brings me into contact with more women who are like this and who are open about it than even associating with the mainstream gay community would. Seriously though, I have a *much* easier time hooking up with women now than I ever did before I let Violet out!

In difference to my sister, Elizabeth, there are two types of people in the world, those who categorize people and those who don't. sorry, honey, could not resist Anyway, I agree with you to a point. When it comes to going out in public, I want to pass!!! I want Virginia to be the prettiest girl around, and to get looks, at least that is what she wants! If I get "read" that is fine too, because (1) I can handle most any physical encounter that may come along and (2) I am secure enough in Virginia that I really don't care if I am "read" Virginia is me and I am Virginia and she wants to look nice when we go out and I oblige her as best I can. I guess that puts me in the first category that Elizabeth defines. I don't dress for me, I dress for Virginia!! I am still trying to figure all the emotional aspects out, but I don't dwell on it and if I reach an impass, I simply take the position that I am who I am, I love myself and Virginia and whether she is me or I am her, it makes no difference so we just do our own thing and enjoy "OUR" Magical Mystery Tour!
Love you all,
Virginia

Virgina,

I was not trying to pigeon hole anyone. I realize there is a broad spectrum or everything inbetween, and I tried to preface my comments by saying that we all have our own truth.

However, I am curious now? Do you consider Virginia to be a different person than yourself? Because I still count her as being you. Your desire to fulfill that part of you, that is Virginia is, in my opinion is still dressing for yourself. I also did not mean to infer that those who wish to pass are somehow crushed if they don't. Just as those who don't seek approval can still be hurt by rejection.

If you could expand on this, I would really love to learn about it, as I have never had these feelings.

Thanks in advance

Love always,
Elizabeth

Elizabeth, honey, see you are getting into areas that I do not fully understand, I have tried, but evidenly not hard enough or possibly right now I don't care. I don't know if I can answer your query. I believe it was "Azza" that said perhaps "we" as crossdressers do not control our actions it is the female that does and "she" only lets the Male think he is in control. I really can't explain it, I know how I feel and even "en drab" Virginia is there and I sense her as I interact with people. Julie is evidently moving toward the ultimate but I am not able to consider that, but I feel more Virginia that I use to and it seems to increase almost daily. I love how she makes me feel and when I see her in the mirror I can not help but smile and be thankful that she is my life! I know I seem to rambling, but is she me or am I her, yes, is there any division within "our" existence yes and no.Yes in that I can be male when I have to but no in that everyday she becomes more and more involved with my existence and I love it!!!!! Could I let her take over completely???Has she taken over completely? Is she astute enough to know how much to push and when to stop pushing???? Questions I think about but can not answer right now, but I am comfortable with myself/her and my life so I will love her and cherish her and we will take it day by day.
Probably did not answer your question, but then again we are a complex organism and I guess we each have to seek our own level of comfort with who we are. I am comfortable with where I am and how things are going and I will continue to grow in the love that I (and you Elizabeth) have found here. Honey, I guess I will close with this - don't try too hard to understand Elizabeth, she is a complex person too, just enjoy her and love and cherish her too and she will reward you beyond your wildest expectations!
Love ya,
Virginia

Hi Ladies,

Very interesting subject. I agree with the main sentiment that "Most crossdressers dress for themselves". I for one dress for myself, but by the same token, if I have unwavering trust in those close to me, and after discussing CDing, I may dress in front of them, but only at their request.

It is security that we desire mostly when we dress outside of ourselves. Due to what Society deems as moral behoviour through mass prejudice of the unknown, many of us fear exposure, as it may lead to the physical and mental harm of ourselves, our SO's/partners, and those we care deeply for, be they friends or relatives.

Finding inner peace with our CDing is the first step to acceptance from the outside world. Some of us never find it, some of us only partially, and some fully. I have looked deep within myself and truly accept CDing as a part of who I am. My SO showed some acceptance at first, but now that she sees that it is more than just wearing a sarong and crop-top around the house, she finds it difficult to deal with. Her fears, in my eyes are not totally warranted, but in hers they are. And to that I can only thank her for her honesty. So essentially I don't dress in front of her, yet she helps me pick out things for my wardrobe, jewellery, accessories etc. Her comfort in helping me in these aspects is her acceptance.

I do have a few non-CD friends who enjoy and prefer to spend time with me dressed, albeit on the rare occasion when we can get together as they live 3,500 klms away.

So overall what I am trying to say is that the quote which started this all, is in essence true, but only for those who actually feel that way. Our community is so diverse as is our individual attitudes towards dressing. I believe that the statement Darlene posted is true in the overall sense, but can be broken down to suit each individual. After all, we are unique...just like everybody else.

My congrats to all you Ladies for such a fine discussion.

Hi all,

I dress for myself. Sometimes, there are other people around.

Love,
CJ

I only dress for myself, I do not want to be seen by myself let a lot by some one else. I do not look into mirrors when I am dressed but I never have fully dressed before so that is that. I am still screwed up over it still. Gelinda.

Hi,

I'm like CJ.

Beauty

Howdy Folks

Thank you, Merinda

Virginia, I think I understand where you are coming from, as I have parts of my nature that aren't always on the surface. I can feel them there, and I know they are a part of me, but I choose if or when it is appropriate to allow those natures to come to the surface. Which also constitues, "who's running the show" at that point in time. Is it the spiritual me, the joyous me, the sorrowful me, the masculin me, the feminine me, the angry me, the passionate me, or the logical me, etc....Most of the it is time the logical me that runs things. Am I close?

Violet:

Of course I'm sure that my age and the kounterkultur I choose to associate myself with brings me into contact with more women who are like this and who are open about it than even associating with the mainstream gay community would.

I have found that the Goth kounterkultur to be filled with many open minded, free spirited people. In fact I met my hubby Ahzz at a Goth club

*Hugs & Love*

I 'Joined" the goth community here in Dallas because nothing could be too wild or extreme to them. It was all about being as outspoken verbally and visually as possible. Of course, there are many in that same community that are self righteous bigots. But hey, that's society.