I must admit I have an advantage here... My wife runs this forum about CD'ing... so I often get to read her thoughts about CD's and all connected ideas.....
But sometimes I get REALLY confused reading her thoughts and responses to other SO's on the forum.... Sometimes she says nice things about CD'ing in general (or me in particular) and other times she says things about me that really kind of hurt and bother me....
I just finished reading through several of her posts and it went all the way from giving me the felling "Yeah, she is okay with this" to "Oh, crap......"
I guess I can understand.... well can I??? This is not new to her.... She has run this forum for over a year know.... I guess as many SO's don't know what is going on in there CD'ers mind's.... many of us CD's (me in particular) don't know what is going on in our SO's minds.....
Shannon,
I think after reading your post, that you are simply reinforcing what you already know and what most of us who are married know. Some of the SO's who post may say that they are accepting of there CD'ing spouse and really mean it, but I would venture to say they are few and far between. We as "significant others" may wish to think we know what goes on within the "feminie mystique" ain't gonna happen!!!! I have no doubt that a lot of SO's are truly scared upon the discovery that their spouse is a CD'er and we all know what goes through their minds from gay to SRS to divorce. It has really got to be a roller coaster ride for them and it evidently does not end. We (as males) see it as non-threating, it is just a side of us that most of us like/love and would not do anything with it to hurt our spouse - How many of us have been able to convience our SO of that?? Oh, they may say they accept it or understand it - You can rest assured - they don't - they only say that out of love, not understanding.
Solution!!?? Your asking me???? You have got to be kidding!!! Virginia and I have enough problems!
Love you,
Virginia
First star to the right, then straight on 'till mornin!
I can understand that I think. I have enough trouble trying to keep track of what is in my mind, and can't seem to find much time to figure out what is in other peoples minds.
But do we really need to know? I haven't met a man yet who does. LOL.
Although my former SO's all admitted that they didn't really understand my need to what they call "wear women's clothes" and what I call "express my femininity," they were always, at the very least, tolerant and usually accepting and, in one case, totally enthusiastic about it (now that was scary!). So, I may be coming from a different place than many of you, here.
I'm not sure why we CD's pine for an unreserved acceptance on the part of our SO's when we, ourselves, often have mixed feelings about our crossdressing. I read SO's comments and thoughts and I often "hear" this: "Why won't he open up to me about this? Why does he seem to be so ill at ease with his own crossdressing? Why doesn't my acceptance of his needs--within limits--make him any happier? Why doesn't he seem to be able to share with me what's in his heart of hearts when he knows I want to hear it?"
I think that, regardless of her level of undertanding of the motivations behind crossdressing, an SO, like any human being in a relationship with another human being, is flummoxed by her partner's lack of acceptance of himself. We're always more at ease being intimately bound to someone who's obviously at ease with herself or himself.
And, really, when you think about it, look at the position we put our SO's in: we often carry shame and guilt and self-loathing and fear and non-acceptance in our own heart because of who we are and then we ask our mates to not feel these same things toward, and about, us. Yeah? Really? Well, that's a mixed message if I ever saw one. I never wonder why our SO's are sometimes confused about their own feelings regarding who we are, when we CD's are confused about the very same things.
The only way I can see out of this impasse is easy to state but hard to apply: love yourselves, appreciate and accept yourselves, be proud of who you are, enjoy who you are, know yourself more fully. By working toward this--whether or not you feel you have support from anyone out there in the world--you increase the likelihood that, on the one hand, your SO will participate more fully in the beauty of your own being and, on the other, that you will begin to allow yourself to see your SO as a person in her own right, with her own quirks and qualities and characteristics and wants, and not mostly as an adjunct to your own needs and desires. The advantage to this is that you don't really need to understand what's in your SO' mind (although making that effort is more than half the fun of getting to know her); no, you only need to understand what's in your own mind. The rest can (and often will) follow.
It is my understanding (from your wife's posts) that you've not dressed in a while. Or is it that she has not seen you dressed in a while.
Many CDs mention hiding it, dressing when the SO is out, etc. Your wife reads this also. Maybe she has somewhere in the back of her mind that you aren't sharing it with her. Maybe not. You'll have to be direct and sit and talk it out.
That said, talking doesn't always help. My wife goes from one end of the scale to the other. The rollercoaster. 29 years of trying to convince her that I do not want to dress full time, become a woman, etc. She also worries that I'll go out on my own, dressed, and be attacked. I can see it in her eyes, even though I say that will not happen.
Maybe it is the limits she wants to set, which to me seem too limiting. I guess what I am saying is that there is an acceptance by many SO's, I think, but it is a very limited acceptance. And though we push to expand those limits, and it may appear we have acheived that goal in some cases, there will be a bit of resentment in her mind and not a true acceptance of the limits being expanded.
Yet we read where there are SO's very accepting, encouraging even. Going out with their CD dressed. Shopping together. ETC. Many of us want that acceptance, but can't get it, and don't understand why.
As said by some of the girls above, many CDs can't accept themselves. So you have to think in that term. Everyone is different, and all have there levels of tolerance, understanding of their husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend, and different levels of acceptance.
We have to accept that fact. And accept that, as we find it hard change for them, they also have it hard to change for us.
The only way I can see out of this impasse is easy to state but hard to apply: love yourselves, appreciate and accept yourselves, be proud of who you are, enjoy who you are, know yourself more fully. By working toward this--whether or not you feel you have support from anyone out there in the world--you increase the likelihood that, on the one hand, your SO will participate more fully in the beauty of your own being and, on the other, that you will begin to allow yourself to see your SO as a person in her own right, with her own quirks and qualities and characteristics and wants, and not mostly as an adjunct to your own needs and desires. The advantage to this is that you don't really need to understand what's in your SO' mind (although making that effort is more than half the fun of getting to know her); no, you only need to understand what's in your own mind. The rest can (and often will) follow.
Hey CJ.
Carefull there...you are starting to sound like me. (Ya I know...God forbid) I could have written that.
No, I read your posts, here and there on the forum, and I agree with what you say and think far more often than you suspect. Maybe we just have a different way of expressing ourselves, eh?
Hi Shannon--
I know what you speak of. Reading what other people think of me can upset me a lot--I see areas where they don't understand me at all, where they've made sweeping judgments. I sometimes wonder whether I'd rather be in the dark and not know these things, or whether it's better to know all the twists and turns of how others see me. Writing is very revealing, and I can see things there that I wouldn't necessarily even hear in a person's voice. Whew.
CJ, that was a wonderful post up above. Teared me up as I read it.
Wow. what a interesting group of thoughts and comments. Thanks to all who made them they are MUCH appreciated.....
Where to responde... Well to DonnaT's point about me not dressing in while... that is very correct and I do not hide my dressing from my wife anymore... that stopped several years. I have do desire to go down that path again.... I want to be open and honest with my wife... I will not hide anything from her again.... I have got a lot of trust building to do and don't need to take any steps backwards.
CJ's entire post.... WOW.... that was a very heart felt and so very true. You have a destinct ability to express thoughts so well. You made me think alot about what I do, who I am and what I can do differently... Thank you.
Darlene... Nice point... What man can really understand the female mind???? No matter how hard we try, it ain't gonna happen... Thanks for reminding me of that. I can't believe I forgot it....
Virginia... thanks for reminding me of what it is like for SO's... I tend to forget that... I think, well we broke that barrier... we crossed that bridge.... I think it is gone and forgotten and fail to realize it comes back sometimes.... and that is not bad, it is just human nature....
Anita.... Thanks for your thoughts. It is hard to deal with the thoughts of others (especially when they are so very important to you)... sometimes the selfish weenie in me justs wants acceptance, cheer and glee all the time... I forget that others have fears and concerns too....
And now to all....
In writing this reply I wanted to think about all that was said... I wanted to responde to ideas that struck me... I wanted to say thank you.... But I ended up thinking more about myself and where I am....
I am the LUCKEST man in the world.... I am so very fortunate to have such a wonderful wife (in every way)... I really try my damnest to show her how important she is to me.... I sometime feel that the CD portion of my life, and of our life, is pretty damn insignificant.... cause there is nothing more important to me in this world than my wife's happiness...
Thanks for your kind words. (And I haven't forgotten you... your last e-mail is still in my inbox, a month later, and it frowns at me, every time I go there. I've just been a bit overwhelmed, lately, and I promise to continue the conversation soon.)
Shannon,
To "ramble and be bending ears" is a big part of the reason we enjoy coming here. That, and learning.
No, I read your posts, here and there on the forum, and I agree with what you say and think far more often than you suspect. Maybe we just have a different way of expressing ourselves, eh?
(And I haven't forgotten you... your last e-mail is still in my inbox, a month later, and it frowns at me, every time I go there. I've just been a bit overwhelmed, lately, and I promise to continue the conversation soon.)