Little bit afraid

[Katy-Jane]

Hi girls,

I haven't posted for a few weeks, I suppose mainly beacause I'm what could be considered a "cycle dresser". I might identify with my female side, and dress a lot for two or three weeks, then hardly at all for a while, typically a month I guess, but it can be much shorter or longer.

I've been a member of the forum for a few months now, and it's been wonderful to share in it with you all. It's very much helped me accept the femme part of me, and calm the battle inside, that often used to rage quite fiercely.

The thing is though, I was at a music workshop the other day, and struggling a bit with a piece I just learned, when inside my head I thought "come on Katy, get it together". For me this was the first time I had called myself that, and identified with it, while I was in male "mode". I found this a bit scary at first, because in many ways the cycle dressing kind of suits me. I do like who I am as a male, or a female, and I'm not really sure I want to lose either, or how much I want the two parts to mix. Suppose they're mixed already though really, into what makes up me.

Now having calmed down a bit about it, I like to think that it was just my mind reacting the way it felt was right for the situation, now it is allowed to by my acceptance of both sides of me.

I feel like I'm rambling a bit now, so I'll stop, but I'd be interested to know if anyone else has gone through similar feelings, because it was a bit frightening at first!

hugs,

Katy-Jane

[Elizabeth]

Katy-Jane,

When I first came out of the crossdressing closet, I felt a strong sense of being two people. I had always had two distinct different people inside of, but no one knew Elizabeth yet. While my wife had known about my underdressing, had found I was dressing early in our marriage and made my promise not to do it, she never knew Elizabeth. I was the only one who knew about her. That I very much wanted to be a girl, and I wanted to be Elizabeth.

I used to find secret ways of expressing Elizabeth. While I am sure my wife never knew, many times it was Elizabeth making love to her not Rudy. Rudy was more harsh, a know it all. Inflexable, get it done, will argue with anyone about anything. Anything to try to come off as a tough man. However, Elizabeth is me. The person I was pretending to be was Rudy. Those who know me well, who have seen me when my guard was down, would tell you the person I am know, Elizabeth, is very much the person they knew in private before they knew about Elizabeth.

Being a full time dresser now, it allows me to express that part of me that is Elizabeth, all the time. Because of this I don't have a need to exagerate that part of me that is male, to make sure no one finds out my secret. This has made me a calmer, happier person.

While the person everyone used to know as Rudy is gone, and will never return, it was the part of me that was not truely me that is gone. What is left is the true person I have always been.

I will tell you what Beauty told me when I was going through this same struggle that you are going through. She wrote this after I had tried to take my own life by overdosing on Vocodin. I will include the link to the entire thread, so if you would like to see the context it was written in, you may.

http://crossdressers-forum.com/forums/v ... ght=#19332

Beauty wrote:

I'm glad you are ok.

I'm also freaking P'd off big time. Get this. You are one person. There aren't two sides of you. You're living with two arms and you're telling yourself if you use your other arm you are an evil person. Where's the logic in that young one?

At the time I was feeling very disoriented, and feeling a srong sense of duality, like I was two people in one body. Perhaps what you are feeling is not quite as drastic, but I want you to know that I do understand what you are feeling. I feel that as you come to terms with your female personality traits, and accept them, this feeling of being two different people will subside and it will feel natural to draw on your female strengths, whenever you feel like, without feeling like two different people.

I hope this helps. I am sure my sisters here will have much more insight to add to this, as I am pretty new at accepting who I am also.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[DonnaT]

It may have just been a way to deal with the stress at the time. Maybe Katy is the calm part of yourself?

[Virginia]

Been there, done that!! It seems like almost every day now when I am in a situation of some stress I hear in my own head - "Now Virginia, be a woman!" It is really a soothing comment and I can sense Virginia being there - then again I am Virginia ans she is me. I have yet to have a time when Virginia does not "rise to the occasion!" She is a fantastic woman, I love her and I think that you love Katy-Jane being there for you so cherish her and she will honor you forever!
Virginia

[Katy-Jane]

Hi girls,

thanks so much for the replies. It's great to have friends like you to talk to.

hugs,

Katy

[Anita]

Hi Katy-Jane--
I don't hear her in my head so much, but sometimes Anita's behavior comes out at unexpected times. I've gotten used to it now, and it doesn't upset me. I hear it in my voice, or I'll reach out and touch someone--something "Anita" will do, but which my male self doesn't.

There was a time four years ago that I was feeling the beginnings of my femme self, but not yet ready to come out. That was hard, as I felt that her behavior was starting to come out, and I didn't want it to! That was a struggle. After I allowed "her" some time out in public, then I no longer had to worry about it so much.

[Violet]

I often get the sense of being two people, or even three - 'Violet' the femme side, 'Virgil' the male side, and 'V' the perfect mix of the two. I feel most alive and self-confident when I'm Violet, a lot 'tougher' (though not necessarily stronger), more creative and driven when I'm Virgil. I can only rarely invoke V - mostly when in meditation or spellcraft - but at those times I feel most centred and 'in tune' with reality. It doesn't necessarily depend on dress; sometimes I will have Violet thoughts or feelings when I'm in boy mode, becoming more modest, more sensitive, less likely to casually hurt someone's feelings or 'dis' them in any way... This is interesting but not unduly distressing. I'm very distressed by Virgil thoughts when I'm enfemme though; I can feel all of the confidence I've worked so hard to achieve drain away, and I feel as if everyone is staring and laughing at me, I get paranoid that I'm going to get beaten up and start acting defensive and getting ready for a fight, & might rank someone out for a fairly innocuous remark. Perhaps I should work at reconciling these extremes. It would be good if I could do away with Virgil entirely.

[Beauty]

Hi Katy,

You are a very inviting writer. I wish you'd discussed your feelings a little longer, you did it so well.

I think what your reaction is normal and healthy because you are starting to accept both sides of yourself. That's my couch psychology though, so please take it for what it's worth.

Also I consider myself a cycle-dresser, but a TG'd soul.

Thanks for posting. It really was a great read and I love the thread.

Beauty

[Katy-Jane]

Hi Beauty,

thanks for your compliments, it was very kind of you to say that when I wrote the post, I didn't discuss my feelings too much, I think I was still feeling a bit paralysed by the incident, and a bit too afraid to know what to make of it all.

Being able to share with everyone here has made me feel quite a few different things, like the fact I'm not alone, the fact that I don't have to be one side of myself or the other, and the fact that others have experienced these things, and they do care. I'm so touched by the time and energy that others are prepared to give each other here.

What I'm trying to say, is that all of this adds up to me, for the first time in my life, being able to accept myself, all of me, that is. It feels great, and I feel much calmer inside, as I said in the initial post. Now I've let Katy-Jane off her leash though, she seems to pop-up in some strange places (like music workshops!). My couch philosophy / psycology is similar to yours, now I've had a few days to think. Now I'm allowing myself to accept who I am, I think it will happen that I identify as Katy in male mode from time to time. It's just that because this was the first time, I was rather shocked and taken-aback. I started to fear that I might lose my male self, and KJ might take the male me over. Now I've become a good deal more rational about that, and feel I'm still who I have always been, it's just now I'm not afraid to admit it (at least to myself and you girls!).

It's a tough journey sometimes, but now I'm past that fear factor, I feel OK about it. Next time Katy arrives unexpectedly, I don't think I'll freeze, just let her in, and see what she has to say on things. I like her, she's pretty cool.

I'm so happy and gratefull for all the replies above, there's so much in them that I've enjoyed reading and learned from. Thanks girls.

hugs,

Katy-Jane

[CJ]

Hi all,

Katy-Jane,

It's great to see you ever so gradually unfold like that. Maybe you can look at your experience as a mythical journey, a trip, an odyssey of discovery. You'll meet many souls on that road. And some of those you meet will be your own soul, in a way, in a variety of different guises. May such happy "meetings" be fruitful for you. Live, love, and learn.

Great thread, by the way. It always amazes me to see fear slowly turn into curiosity, the springboard of both knowledge and self-knowledge.

Love,
CJ

[Marda]

Hey Katy,
~
This may not add anything to your "Quest", but in my little life, it seems to be getting easier to be "Mr.Spaceman" for a major portion of my days and weeks ...

not that "Mr.Spaceman" has an easy life, or finds "himself" in comfortable environments ...

but I (Marda) seem to feel secure enough in "stealth" mode now to "show the outside world what it seems to need to see and hear" from "Mr.Spaceman", to not concern myself when it's not practical to "be Me" ...~
the weird times do come along - such as last evening, at my (new job)company Christmas party ...

as the evening "progressed" (alcoholic liberation), the macho G-guys typically moved among their huddles (cussing, grunting, posing, posturing, farting), while in a sort of tribal fashion, the partying G-girls gravitated to the centre of the dance floor in clusters of 3 or more to shake their tailfeathers in time with the music (mate attraction? spiritual expression?) ... the more domesticated G-guys seemed bound to their SOs at their respective dinner tables ...

and I pretty much remained quiet, chatting with passersby, wishing there was a band (instead of a DJ) and I was playing music ...
~
of greatest social interest (surprise?, intrique?) to me, were my (somewhat envious) observations of the dresses, underthings and accessories some of G-girls wore); their feminine (restricted - dress, shoes) movements; and my not so envious observations of the trouble some of them seemed to endure in their efforts to appear "attractive, and desirable, (and threatening?)" to both their prey and to their competition ...~
No matter how I "need" to dress and appear ("act") in public, it's becoming less and less frightening to "be myself" ...

Not so long ago I "thought I needed" to be seen to be Marda in public in order to be complete ... but that's no longer on my mind ...

I know I am Marda (androgynous), and I accept the worldly reality that I must be able to appear (visibly, audibly, spiritually) to be "Mr.Spaceman" most of the time; and whenever I'm in my own place and on my own time at home, I must be ever ready to instantly "transform" myself (ie. knock on the door) into "Mr.Spaceman" ...
~
It's no longer a worry or concern to me that planet Earth is not ready to meet Marda in full daylight ... I'm finding happiness as I can in the "shadows" ...
~
While I don't quite understand it, I appreciate this forum and medium as a means of communication with some, other, gentle people of the CD "persuasion"

/ Marda

[Elizabeth]

Hi girls,

Ifirst commented on this thread thinking I had something to add, but now it seems that I have become a student of this thread, and need some help understanding, myself.

What I felt for a great part of my life that I was concealing who I really was. Then when I came out of the closet, Elizabeth was released. At this point I was feeling a sense of the personality I had suppressed, and a sense of the person I was pretending to be. For me, it was as easy as letting go of the person I was pretending to be. What is left is me, Elizabeth.

However what many of you are talking about is nothing like this. You are talking about having a distinct female personality to draw on, if I am understanding correctly, and that this personality can show up, when not necessarily asked to, which can be somewhat frightening.

Katy-Jane, Virginia, Anita, I really could use some help understanding this, because this is not at all what I am Experiencing. The person I am now, is in my opinion, the person I always was, and would have been, had I not had to put up phony male front.

Help understanding would be welcome.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Virginia]

Elizabeth, I don't know how to explain it but I will just tell you what has happened. I (male) felt myself struggling with the turmoil in not only accepting the fact that my wife's "hostile" attitude was not her fault it was caused by a virius that swelled her brain and changed her spesonality. That it was to fall on my shoulders, not only to forget, immediately the hurt that I felt over her acqusations. but to accept the responsibility for taking care of her in her time of trouble. It was when I first questioned, in my mind, whether or not I could pull this off - could I really handle this challenge?? That is when I felt Virginia. I could feel her emotional arm around me and she said, "honey, you may be able to squat over 600 pounds and bench press over 400, but this is my area of expertise so leave it to me and we will bring your wife back to us!" I felt a strength, both mental and physical that I as a male could not have brought out. Virginia is tireless in caring for my wife and has the patience of Job and the empathy that only a woman can exude! As I said before, you have to experience it to really know what it is like - It is wonderful to have this gift and to actually experience it working - what a blessing. That's my story and I am sticking to it!
Love ya,
Virginia

[Marda]

I'm always amazed to see a small green sprout, weed, shoot - whatever; poking up through a crack in an asphalt or concrete roadway or parking lot ...

outside my door, the roots of maple and arbutus trees along the boulevard play havoc with heavy slabs of reinforced, sidewalk concrete; buckling them and eventually cracking them; turning a smooth pathway for strollers and skateboarders into a mogul run ...
~
At the back of the yard is a row of stunted Cedar bushes - mutilated and mangled from years of butchery and random pruning ...

a couple of houses away is a small cluster of "young" Cedar trees - perhap 125 feet tall - well on their way to becoming giant Cedars 2-300 feet tall with 4-5 ft diameter trunks ...
~
Sometimes I see myself to be one of those young shoots; finding sunlight and space where once there was nothing but darkness and hardness above ...

While I'm happy enough with my present circumstances, and I know there's no going back to the ways things were, I have no idea where this trip is really going and what I am becoming ...

Given the choice, I think I'd rather be free to grow up tall and proud like the giant trees, and not suffer "manmade" deformation like the poor, hedge bushes.
~
Interestingly, all the Cedars in the neighbourhood are home and rest areas to countless chirping and chattering birds; sheltering them yearound from all varieties of weather and predators.


/ Marda

[Terri(SO)]

Marda, I have to tell you that the way you put it there is beautiful.

I, too, would often like to be like the tall cedars. To be able to be a refuge for those who need it and stand tall and strong.

My boss often says to me though, "bend like the grass." when it gets rough at work.