Fun for the Whole Family

[Violet]

Last wknd I had a talk with my father that left me a bit numb.

Now I may or may not have talked about some of this before (hard to keep track of what I've posted about in which forum) so I'll spell some things out: my family knows all about my dressing, and they don't castigate it, but they don't condone it neither. We never really talked about it. They're all devout xians (all different denominations) and, as my dad and myself both have bipolar disorder, we had some pretty spectacular fights when I was an arrogant adolescent gothboi - about xianity, wicca, drugs, violence, art, politics, pretty much anything that came along. This lead to a lot of 'emotional distance' between us, as we both made concesions and chose to avoid certain subjects to promote harmony in the home.

Now I love my family and they have always been tolerant and supportive of me. There are just s few things that stick between us. I've never really felt a need to 'rebel' against my family (well maybe just a little), but I am what I am and need neither their encouragement or their censure to embrace everything that I am.

Enough preamble. My father asked me if my CDing was just another costume-and-pageantry gothik thing, or if it was a deeper lifestyle choice. Well, I had a whole list of points and caveats and clarifications I wanted to talk about, but when it came to the point I felt like I was choking. I just couldn't talk about something so intensely personal as gender issues with my father. So I just said that 'it feels right, that's all I can say, it just feels right'. Maybe that's the best I could have said.

It feels so incomplete. I asked him if he was 'okay' with it, he said it would not have been his first choice for me, then gave me a bunch of relativist platitudes about how 'you've always made your own choices, I'll love you no matter what lifestyle you lead', etc. etc. But I could see the pain in his eyes, and for the first time in a long while it hurt me to think that my behaviour and my choices were causing anguish and suffering to my family.

My choices are my own, not theirs. I think what hurts the most is that they're so... tolerant. As if they're determined not to censure or castigate me, no matter how wrong they think my actions are, no matter that they think I'm going to roast in Hell while they're basking in the infinite bliss of kommunion with their God. I don't want their (trying desperately not to swear here) tolerance, and I don't want some empty xian forgiveness that ends up meaning nothing to anyone in daily life. I want acceptance. I want understanding. I want to be able to talk to my sister about makeup, ask my mom to sew me dresses and skirts. And want my father to be proud of me, to see me - maybe not as a daughter, but certainly not as less than a son. I want my brother to look up to me, to know why he should be looking up to me, and to understand the lessons I've learned and know what I've done that he should and shouldn't emulate. I want them to understand that this is who and what I am, not a choice or a phase or a friggin' sin. I want them to get it.

All of this has hit me just now. I've been in shock. I hate feeling like I've done wrong by my family just by being who and what I am, and I hate society for brainwashing them into thinking that being who and what I am is somehow wrong, and I hate the One for giving me this crap instead of a normal happy existence.

that's it. That's all of my ranting for today. I'm tired and I feel like s*^t. I'm going home so I can shave my body and dress up like a girl.

[TamaraSegunda]

Dear Violet:
I'm really pressed for time right now, but I couldn't walk away from my computer without at least a quick reply to your heartfelt message.

As the parent of a gay man, I think, I have a little insight into your problem. When my son, then about 14, came out to us, it was a disappointment to his parents but not really a surprise. But we weren't disappointed because his sexuality hurt US in any way. Certainly we never judged him as less worthy. Our disappointment was simply because parents want a good and happy life for their kids, and we knew that our son, just entering high school, was in for some difficult times. Being gay, or being transgendered, comes with a lot of built-in obstacles. Wanting your children to avoid those problems doesn't mean that you are ashamed of them or that you feel your children have done anything wrong.

Please try not to judge your parents motives if they tell you that they love you and that their acceptance seems a bit less than whole-hearted. I can tell just from your messages here that your head is screwed on just fine, and that your parents should be proud of you -- I'll bet they are already.

Issues of gender and sexuality, when they are other than what the majority of people deal with, are almost inherently painful. My own son came through it just fine and turned out to be a fine man, well adjusted, and happy. We, his parents, have learned a lot, and certainly we have changed over time, just as our kids have. FWIW, we aren't disappointed any more. Lots of love,
.......Tamara Segunda

[Jassmine(SO)]

Hi Violet,

I agree with Tamara, as I went through the same thing with my daughter who is bi-sexual:

Our disappointment was simply because parents want a good and happy life for their kids, and we knew that our son, just entering high school, was in for some difficult times. Being gay, or being transgendered, comes with a lot of built-in obstacles. Wanting your children to avoid those problems doesn't mean that you are ashamed of them or that you feel your children have done anything wrong.

My daughter and I discussed the very difficult road that lay ahead of her, as that was my biggest concern. She came through it unscathed (Big WHEW) and finally came to grips with the reality that if she wanted a steady relationship, she was going to have to chose who (male or female) she wanted to be with. She tried having a relationship with 2 people at the same time and it just didn't work. Also another point we discussed. Helping her through the rough patches was very difficult for me, as I HATED to see my baby in pain. Watching your child suffer is, in my opinion, worse than suffering yourself.

My young 'un is now happily engaged! And I couldn't be happier for her or more proud of her She walked a very bumpy path and I am still amazed at how strong she is.

Tamara wrote:

Please try not to judge your parents motives if they tell you that they love you and that their acceptance seems a bit less than whole-hearted. I can tell just from your messages here that your head is screwed on just fine, and that your parents should be proud of you -- I'll bet they are already.

I concur. Being a parent is quite the challenge. No matter how much advice you get, or how many books you read on parenting, it is still a learn as you go process, that continues even after your children reach adulthood.

Wishing you the very best of luck, and the brightest blessings

*Hugs & Love*

P.S. Thank you for posting Tamara You spoke my thoughts so eloquently

[Loretta Ann]

Violet.

I don't think parents can love a child more than your parents appear too. That kind of Love is very powerful.
You have been given good advice here, I really feel for what you are going through, and wish the best for you.

Love Darlene.

[DonnaT]

Violet,

You should have a heart to heart talk with your mother, get it all out of your system starting with her, because she'll let you know how your dad feels.

Dads have a hard time expressing themselves, especially emotionally. It may have been pain in his eyes, but not pain of non-acceptance, just a pain of not being able to open up.

Then have a real talk with your dad.

[Elizabeth]

Violet,

While attending AA meetings when my brother was going through drug rehab, I heard a lot of stories about people and thier families. Some of loving acceptance, others of tolerance and hubris, I heard stories of non acceptance as well as stories of complete emotional and physical abuse.

I was not fortunate enough to come from a loving family of tolerant people who would accept me, even begrudgedly. Ours was a family of critisism, betrayal, insults and humiliation. Love was a word not used in our home. So I may be a bad person to advise here, not having ever been told I was loved or accepted.

But in the end, we don't choose our families and our relationships with them have the same perameters that all relationships have. I can only pass on this advice that I heard repeated so many times in those meetings, and hope that it can be of some use to you.

"You can not change what others think, say, or do, and it is wasted effort to try."

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Violet]

Thank you all so much for your support and your advice. I know that my family loves me and that I have been fortunate in where the Way has placed me. I just find it so hard to talk to them about the things that are important to me. Sometimes I wish I was the kind of person who could see the gl;backside as being half full.

[Maggie]

I'm going home so I can shave my body and dress up like a girl.

I love that line!

Often you will hear guys say, after a stressful day, "I'm going home and get drunk." How much more fun (and healthier) it would be to say, "I'm going home and dress up like a girl"! I wish that could become a popular slogan. Even if men didn't really mean it, it would be good if they got used to saying it, if only in jest.

Apart from any considerations of gender dysphoria, why can't society simply recognize recreational crossdressing as a harmless means of relaxation and stress reduction?

[CJ]

Hi all,

Violet,

I agree with Maggie: that's a perfect coda to a heartfelt post. "I'm going home so I can shave my body and dress up like a girl." Can our reality be stated more plainly?

As for your family situation, I agree with what others have said, here. Especially with Donna's suggestion that you try talking with your mother first. It's been my experience that women love their babies just an inch more unconditionally than men do. Worth a try, anyway. Of course, you have to be okay with opening up, yourself.

Good luck.

Love,
CJ

[Virginia]

Violet, I will play devil's advocate here: You can either withdraw your statement or it cries out for explanation: " I hate the One for giving me this crap instead of a normal happy existence." Sorry, I got to have an explanation, a retraction or rewording!
Love ya,
Virginia

[Cathy L. Anderson]

I'm going home so I can shave my body and dress up like a girl.

Apart from any considerations of gender dysphoria, why can't society simply recognize recreational crossdressing as a harmless means of relaxation and stress reduction?

The other night I decided to take a luxurious hot bath to relax. I lit candles, listened to music, the whole bit. It was great. It reminded me of television commericals I saw as a boy--some woman blissfully soaking in scented Calgon soap.

Where am I going with this?

I'm suggesting that the desire to relax sensually in a hot bath is a *human* chacteristic, neither male nor female. But in our society, children never see males indulging this urge. The only models they have for it are female. Our female alter-ego is the only means by which certain feelings, in this case sensuousness, can be experienced. That is one reason we develop the alter ego.

This insight, if that's what it truly is, some might take as a vindication for crossdressing. But I see the opposite in it. It suggests that I can experience the same pleasure without identifying as female--that what I seek is the pleasure, not the female identification. When I let myself have the pleasure, adding the idea that I am female is irrelevant, and, if anything, a distraction.

Cathy

[Violet]

" I hate the One for giving me this crap instead of a normal happy existence." Sorry, I got to have an explanation, a retraction or rewording!

Oh, I didn't really mean that. I tend to say a lot of things I don't mean when I'm angry and hurting. A characteristic I try my best to control.

I also love bathing by candlelight, scented oils, the whole deal. I think maybe I need one of those.

I'm going to have to have a talk with my parents over the break.

[KathyB]

Just a note to remind everyone that in the Old West, a hot bath was an unusual luxury for a man. They often took a nice long soak. Although fictionalized examples, movies have given us examples, like James Garner and Mel Gibson in "Maverick" and many much older films. Noone ever questioned those mens' pleasure in a tub full of hot soapy water.