Crossdressers-Haven.com

Is coping with CD issues as easy as they say?
I want to post that question hoping to get some feed back that it would be of help both the newcomer like me and the girls who are totally comfortable with it. First I want to thank all you for the nice reception and supportive responses to my inexperienced postings in my short residence in the forum. You girls have given me the feeling of support that is allowing me to begin to open myself. In reading many of the postings and responses it seems to me that a lot of you are totally comfortable with your CDing issues, attitudes and feelings. It seems most of you have overcome or never had issues like shame, embarrassment and fear around CDing. I’ll be interested in finding out where some of you are regarding this. Am I a different case or may be a little sicker than others in this respect. I mean in terms of dealing with the distance between feeling like a total deviant to feeling comfortable. The other question is about the sexual part of my CDing. I see that many of you talk about sex been an activity connected to the thrills of the beginning and that your experience is that it subsides with time. In my case I have been practicing some aspect of dressing for 20 years (mostly in private) but the sexual feelings that go with it have definitely not subsided. I’ll be interested to know what some of your experiences are regarding that aspect.

It seems most of you have overcome or never had issues like shame, embarrassment and fear around CDing. I’ll be interested in finding out where some of you are regarding this.

Hide it well do we?

There just has to come a time in your life that you accept yourself for who you are. Once you can fully accept it the shame, embarrassment and fear (in most cases, but there are a lot of biggots out there) just seems to go away.

And your connection between your sexual interests and your CDing ARE NOT SICK if you are hurting no one.

Mariaa,

I did not have the Internet, so that may make it easier for some now. Even though we still have girls here who are struggling hard with this issue. There was not much that was easy about it for me. It is against the way we think we should have been, It is contrary to the way society thinks we should be, and as long as we fight it it is very hard to deal with.

As Donna says the key is accepting that we will always be like this, once that happens the rest comes easier I think. Until one is able to reach that point one does not focus on how one going to be able to live with this as part of ourselves in this world. Some find ourselves in marriages with un-accepting wives, partially accepting wives, etc. All kinds of places where things need to be worked out, before we can move on and truly work towards becoming who we were meant to be.

Nope not easy at all, but possible.

Love Darlene.

My sister Donna speaks great truth. Without the support one needs, however, accepting oneself can be difficult if not impossible. You, Mariaa are fortunate in several respects. First, you are asking the right questions which means you have a desire to understand and second, you have found this forum and you will find your sisters here have struggled and some are struggling with the same things you are. Each one of us handles this "gift"" in a little different way - initially. Once it is accepted as being a "gift" and we begin to share it with those we come in contact with (and this can be done whether you are dressed or not) we begin to furthur understand ourselves and that we are actually blessed with something that can not only bring us joy individually, but something we can share with others and inhance their lives. I will recommend a site, if you have not read it. It is not a "be all end all" but may give youi some additional guidance from one who is considered by many to be the father of modern pshychology - Carl Jung:
"Jung's Anima Theory and How it Relates to Crossdressing"
http://ourworld.compuserve.com/homepage ... /anima.htm
As for the sexual aspect again each of us probably sees that a bit differently as well. How we accept ourselves goes along way in determining how we respond sexually to ourselves as CD'ers.
Please keep asking questions and most of all enjoy your "Magical Mystery Tour!"
Love,
Virginia

Mariaa wrote:Is coping with CD issues as easy as they say?...dealing with the distance between feeling like a total deviant to feeling
comfortable

There is plenty of space between the extremes. I do not accept CDing fully. But it is worse to beat myself up about it. Guilt and shame are unproductive and harmful. In fact, by increasing negative feelings, they increase the desire to find comfort in crossdressing.

I think it is very important to understand that it is not an "either-or" proposition. The situation is not "either I crossdress and accept it happily as a wonderful thing" versus "This is a terrible thing I should hate myself for."

Here's a simple example (just an example). A person could make a deal with themself to crossdress one night per week. Then, for that one night, they could dress with abandon and have fun. The rest of the week they would not be allowed to feel guilt or shame. This is what I mean between falling between the extremes of total acceptance vs. guilt.

....the sexual feelings that go with it have definitely not subsided.

I think that's a common experience.
Cathy

Dear Maria,

Excellent topic!

I'm dividing my response into 2 posts, because I'm long-winded.

In my case, feelings of guilt, shame, fear, and depression about my crossdressing were one of THE major experiences of my life. Perhaps only another CDer can understand what this feels like. A chronic depression, lasting from age 6 straight through into my 20s. I mean one long, uninterrupted depression. Thinking at times that my friends MUST be feeling the same thing, then finding out that they weren't, and feeling really alienated from them. I mean, they were actually enjoying life. They were doing all the things they said they were doing, instead of living a lie like I was. Counselors and other perceptive people commented from time to time that I "pulled my punches" about just about everything in life. "He hasn't found himself yet" they said, and "he lacks focus." Ha! If they had only known what were the real issues I was struggling with. But I knew the code: I dared not share the truth with anyone. I would be instantly labeled a pervert, a fag, a mentally ill person who was incapable of normal affections.

As a residue of those many, many years, I still wake up every morning feeling depressed. It's just natural, I guess. As the cobwebs of sleep dissipate, I go and look in the mirror at my feminine body (tweezed eye brows, long hair, nail polish, and usual traces of makeup I didn't quite remove the night before) and I smile. "Ah, it is true!" I think to myself. I really AM living this wonderful life. How could life have ever gotten so unbelievably good?

I can laugh now at my old fears. I remember the time when I felt like wearing textured tights instead of socks with my (male) clothes. I was literally paralyzed with fear about it! I went out but felt very guilty and ashamed. So after driving a couple of miles with my wife (who knew and accepted), we went backl home just so I could change. We went out again, without the tights. But this time I felt a different kind of shame--ashamed of myself that I was such a wimp that I couldn't even dare to wear something so invisible! That was a common sort of thing in my old life.

I know now that a lot of my daily activities are designed to fight the old feelings.

Checking this forum (and two or three others), and writing posts like this. Sure, I'm helping others. But you see, helping others is one of the things that helps keep the shame away. Crossdressing for me is not purely selfish and narcissistic. It has a higher purpose. Am I kidding myself? I don't think so. But I fear the closet, the bigotry, and the fear itself. Still.

Dressing 24/7 reminds me that this IS a real part of me that I dare not hide from. Purging would leave me without friends. It would leave me with almost no clothes! It would confuse the neighbors, who've grown to know and like the "new" me.

Going out dressed is a constant reminder that I CAN pass, that I CAN be accepted by people, that I"m not a pervert, and so on. It reinforces the positive and keeps the negative at bay.

Socializing with friends who are also CDs and TSs reminds me that I'm not alone. There are many, many of us, and we're struggling with the same kinds of issues, and finding similar solutions.

So while the decision to accept myself was very real, and very important, I realize that I keep reinforcing that decision every day. This is every bit as important for me as going to meetings is for the recovering alcoholic. It keeps me sane. It keeps the closet away.

I'll never, ever go back into the closet!

I confess there was a time when I looked down on my sisters who are still in the closet. Then as I re-read their stories, I realized that most of them have no choice in the matter. They haven't found the acceptance I have. It's not out there for many of them. They can't pass at all in public. Even many of the girls who post the beautiful pictures on the web can't pass in real life. Those pictures, I realized, are carefully posed. How many of them keep showing the give-away big shoulders, prominent adams apples, and so on from the same one angle, that they've found. They have families that would not accept, high-visibilty jobs, and so on. I came to admire their courage, risking their safety by posting those pictures. I don't look down on my closeted sisters anymore. In truth, they are heroines to me, as are all my sisters.

You see, the guilt, shame, fear, and depression are still there, even though I'm not feeling them anymore. It's like they're running beside me now, not in me. If I were to go back to the old way of life, they'd be back inside me, stronger than ever. When I have to dress male for a day, for example to deal with family (who know, but disapprove), I usually feel the old feelings come back. It's scary. My wife knows and appreciates my sacrifice. We usually do something very "crossdressy" the next evening to pay back. That means we go somewhere I can wear a short skirt. Seems funny, doesn't it, that even though I'm virtually full time, I'd still do such things. But it's true.

If I were to say I"m a transsexual, I'd be kidding myself big time. I still have the feelings of a crossdresser. And I always will. I'm dealing with them pretty successfully now. I love life, especially the life I have as a transgendered woman. But I'm a survivor. Like a prison camp survivor, I have nightmares.

And so, I keep repeating to myself "I'll never, ever go back to the closet."

Thanks for letting me share.

Mariaa,

I remember when I came here back in May, I had very similar words. I was amazed how well adjusted, and emotionally strong everyone seemed in comparison to me.

And while I am far from being what I would call an emotionally well adjusted person, I have reached some of the truths I needed to. And we all have our own truths. It is indeed a journey of sorts. But it was not fast or easy. You said

Mariaa wrote:

In my case I have been practicing some aspect of dressing for 20 years

You see, you have 20 years of experience, at least, to draw on. And there are lots of truths that you already know, you just need them validated. So you are not starting from scratch.

Each of our journey's are different, and as I have found, our desires, our likes, our comfort levels are as unique and diverse as all of us. It seems that no two crossdressers experience it the same. I love the words my Sister Virginia uses here as she quotes from the Beatles and calls this "A Magical Mystery Tour", to describe the journey. And it is a journey, it never really ends. But the magic is what you make it. You will find that it takes twists and turns. You may find that many others in your life may not be able to go with you on your journey.

The beautiful thing about it is, that it is up to each of us to decide what our journey will be. No one can decide this for us. It is about fulfilling our lives in a way that some will never understand, some will never accept, and some who will admire our courage to be happy in a world that does not quite understand us.

My sisters here are wise, they have helped me to get on the road to my journey, and have helped me when I have fallen. They loved me when no one else would, and gave me strength when I had none of my own. They gave me hope where there was none, and most of all, they made me beleive that I was a beautiful person, and deserved to be in this world, when I felt alone.

Good luck on your journey, we are glad you are here.

Love always,
Elizabeth

In my previous post, I talked about the guilt, shame, and fear, and how I felt them before and deal with their memories now.

In this post, I talk about the sexual turn on.

I admit it. My crossdressing can turn me on big time. Age (I'm 55) didn't make it go away for me. Even dressing full time didn't make it go away. I have a wardrobe that is chock full of things that used to be distracting, virtual fetishes for me--lingerie, hosiery, short skirts, sheer blouses, pierced earrings etc. etc. And when I do my make up, I look good!

Yesterday, my wife came home from work "for lunch." That's code, of course. What we really did was make love. We plan that twice every week, usually once on Saturday, and once in midweek. I usually get dolled up for it. She expects that. (Aren't I lucky! You bet!)

Yesterday's outfit involved a short skirt under a long, incredibly soft and fluffy turtleneck sweater (and yes, it shows off my small breasts beautifully--and the padded bra helps), and dark pantyhose under off-white over the knee socks tucked into off-white ankle boots. Definitely too sexy for the street, at least in daytime!

When I going to wear an outfit like that, I have to be careful not to put it on more than a few minutes before she gets home. I tried that a couple of times, and ended up having all the fun to myself! I had to feign a headache or something. She was disappointed, to say the least.

In other words, if I'm going to dress like that, I do it on purpose. It's like a weapon. It's sexual power. It's power over me, over my wife, and over other men and even women. No doubt about it--I'm dangerous!

Two examples from Monday. Monday was leg warmers day. Yes, the fad of the 80s is back in fashion! The ones I wore Monday were actually vintage leg warmers that my wife bought back in the 80s. They've lurked in the bottom of the drawer since then. They're light blue. I wore them over light blue jeans, the kind with the narrow ankles, that tucked into the leg warmers well. The same color, so the affect was subtle. Then low-heel boots, and a casual top. Fashionable but subtle--a successful outfit.

The two reactions were hysterical!

One was a pretty, well-dressed young woman I passed as I walked out of a convenience store. She glared in jealousy, with a look that was somewhere between "you shameless hussy!" and "I wish I'd thought of that look first!"

The other was at a support group I go to. One of the girls (in fact, a pre-op transsexual who's been on hormones for over a year and lives full time now), came over and sat next to me, and "copped a feel" by putting her hand on my knee for a moment. Not long enough to cause a scene, of course. She's cool.

Sexual power!

And like all women, I've learned to use that power in moderation. I've gotten wolf whistles (most recently for a loose-fitting animal print blouse, of all things!). I've learned the subtle codes about what to wear for different activities. My wife says I do that better than she does. The difference is that for GGs, most of it is instinctive. For men, I have watched, watched, watched, and still had to learn some by trial and error.

Bear in mind that I'm 55 years old, 5' 11" tall, and weigh 250 lbs. I have diabetes and high blood pressure.

My natural hair color is a now a sandy gray (truly an ugly color, but a monthly beauty appointment "restores" it to a medium brown that nature never gave me). And my hair is baby-fine and very wavy (can you say "frizz!"). I've only found one hairstyle that works for it (without hours of daily care), a short women's style that my hairdresser executes beautifully. I borrowed the style from another tgirl, and took several pictures from her website in to my hair appointment. I've nominated my hairdresser for an Oscar, but though she didn't get it, she deserves it. On the plus side, my head of hair is quite full, except for a high forehead which I hide under bangs.

My mild case of gynecomastia (and my weight) give me A cup breasts, that breast extenders fill out to a nice B cup--still on the small side for a woman my size. But there must be other women (crossdressers, maybe?) out there who wear a 44B bra because The Avenue store stocks them.

Anyway, that's what I have to work with.

My point: it's a lot of work to cultivate that sexual power! But it's part of being a woman, and I love it.

Somehow I've also learned the ladylike art of keeping admirers at bay. Oh yes, particularly other tgirls have come on to me. And somehow, I've kept their advances down to flirting. It's a combination of things--wearing my wedding ring, mentioning my wife, and having a high regard for my own sexuality. My mother taught me these things, and she taught me well. Just the kind of thing a mother teaches her daughter, right?

It's also learning what to avoid on the internet. The main thing is that when someone wants to meet me, I'm very, very careful. I do meet lots of new people, but we meet at conferences or at church or at other public places.

So, I guess, to sum up, the old sexual feelings are still there, and some new ones besides. But the answer for me is to manage them, to harness them and make them work for me.

Hope this helps.

Hi all,

Maria,

Very interesting topic. When we've been hanging around in supportive environments (such as this forum, for example) for a while, we sometimes tend to forget just how apart and alone and strange and twisted we may have felt originally.

The testimony of my sisters here speaks eloquently to that truth. I have nothing to add, really, except to say that, whenever I agonized over why I am made the way I am, I ask myself why the sun shines the way it does or why water falls from the sky like that or why we laugh when we find something funny. In a way, my constantly reminding myself that I am, indeed, part of the natural order of things, keeps any feelings of inadequacy and shame where they properly belong: in my past, a time when I didn't know myself (or the world) as well as I do now.

As far as CD'ing being a sexual activity or turn-on, well, it is. What can you do, really, other than move to accept that? The double-whammy is that sex itself is taboo for many North Americans, let alone sex with a twist. Sexual pleasure, if it causes no one harm, is just that. Pleasure. The hard part is finding someone who shares the same kinds of sexual pleasure you do. Personally, I'm hoping that's not an impossible task.

You're doing well, Maria. I can see you stretching the delicate tendrils of your soul out into a world you possibly thought had no room for someone such as yourself. The more you do so, the more you'll realize that everyone has their own bugs and skeletons, their own way of being in the world. There are no exceptions here. Hold on to that thought. And be proud of your difference.

Love,
CJ

CJ wrote:sex itself is taboo for many North Americans, let alone sex with a twist. Sexual pleasure, if it causes no one harm, is just that. Pleasure.

Because this issue is so basic and potential central to CDing, forgive me for offering a second post.

The more I learn, the more I realize that a 'rejection' of sexual pleasure is not some mere Judeao-Christian value which Western socieities have imposed. You see this same concern in Hinduism, Buddhism, Islam, and even tribal societies. This conflict seems central to our species--a result of putting high intelligence and rational self-awareness in a VERY sexual organism. Many different cultures, it would appear, have independently concluded that there really are good reasons for, if not disregarding sexuality more or less completely, at least placing it far in the background.

Cathy

No shame? No guilt? HAH!

Not to mock, but I've gone through a lot of the same things you have, Mariaa - incl. drug abuse, fetish transvestism which I attempted to justify as 'part of the subbie routine', and endless guilt trips from my beloved Worm the Disease. I may seem rational and balanced in my posting but this is far from the case. I still must endure bouts of disgust and self-hatred over my many abnormalities of sexuality and mental status, CD not least among them. I still sometimes have mood swings and anxiety attacks over the intensity of the feelings that my femme persona feels, the feelings I tried for my entire adult life to keep my self from feeling by anesthetizing myself with drugs promiscuity S&M suicidal insanities of motion and sheer willpower (none of which worked btw). I'm starting to not make sense. The important thing to remember is, ACCEPTANCE IS THE KEY. Be thou a transgender transsexual or fetishist, out & proud or still in the closet in re. the rest of society, male female or something beyond, you must continually accept and affirm that YOU ARE WHAT YOU ARE that is what the One made you nothing and nobody can change it not even you. So own it, take power in it & from it, guilt is not necessary! Rather, be proud of what you are and who you are. Only in this way do we conquer the worm and create a better society. You can't make anyone accept you but you can make yourself accept yourself.

To Cathy:
Every socio-religious complex you have mentioned has been at some point in history (& in many cases still is) highly repressive and authoritarian. Suppressing sexuality & sexual pleasure & release is a great help to authoritarian governments, it requires that the repressed sexual feelings be channeled into some socially useful activity like industry or war-making. Most of these memeplexes also have enshrined baby-making as the sole function of copulation - an attitude which in out 6-billion-and-rising world is becoming more and more detrimental to the human species. In sex as in all things moderation is the key to happiness, as we move forward as a society to ever greater freedom and understanding of ourselves we must reexamine the 'lessons' of the traditional religions in order to better understand how we can make truly RIGHT choices.

I'm not trying to start an argument so please don't take this as such, nor am I trying to insult you or your beliefs (whatsoever may they be) but I can and will freely speak what I see as the truth. Anyways I think that's enough of my ranting for one day. In this forum at least.