How Can a T-Girl Cope as a Guy?

[Maggie]

Okay, after much struggling and denial, I am proceeding on the hypothesis that I in fact have a feminine gender identity. I will stop rationalizing Maggie as simply a theatrical character, and I will accept her as a true expression of who I am. Almost everyone who has met me as a woman has liked me (other than my wife). I have been told that I make a very nice woman.

The girl in me has done the best she could to be a man, a husband, and a father, and to compete as a male in a man's world. But the energy needed to maintain this masculine facade has taken a toll on me. Now that my kids are grown, I am getting tired of denying my true self. Now I want a chance to express myself as a woman.

But, at the same time I don't want to destroy my marriage, my relationship with my children, or all the other positive things I have built up in my male persona. I don't want SRS, hormones, or transition. Right now I am settling for dressing once a month for TG support group meetings, and whatever opportunities I may have for female impersonation. One consolation is that I can wear various types of men's kilts whenever possible. My wife is happy with the men's kilts, but doesn't want to see me wearing any female clothing.

I am now wondering how to cope with my life and work as a man, without seeming inappropriately "effeminate," while at the same time respecting my identity as a transgendered woman? My work requires me to be very aggressive, which I find stressful and inconsistent with my feminine nature (although there are many aggressive women in the same field nowadays).

My first inclination is to go back into denial mode, and to dismiss this transgender hypothesis as a bunch of nonsense. But I have tried that before.

Are any of you other girls in the same situation? How do you handle it?

[Anita]

Hi Maggie--
Me being a practicing T-girl, how could I not respond to a post with that title?

I'm not sure there's anything I can say that you're going to want to hear. Especially if your job still requires you to be aggressive in day-to-day dealings.

As a man, I've always had a Johnny Cash voice way down here____.
I tended to be very serious and somber. But I noticed that as I developed a woman's voice, I became a lot livelier in my social banter. It puzzled me, for a long time. It was one of those things that make us feel that our femme self is someone else, because it can be such a difference to see her in action.

And it got to me--why DIDN'T I have this social banter as a man? It was a lot easier to do, took less energy, and people seemed to like it. It made it hard to go back to slogging through the male mud, so to speak.

What I've started to do is lighten my voice as a man, and that brings that same social liveliness into my male dealings. It's not quite Anita's voice, but it does have a similiarity to what gay men do with their voices. You would not think voice tone would affect content, but for me, it did.
That "heavy" voice I had didn't lend itself to "lightness."

The result? I'm a lot more fun to be around, and my new wit and playfulness seem like they came out of nowhere. They didn't; they came through the extreme of becoming Anita first, and then slowly working backward.

My professional life calls for assertiveness, but doesn't need aggression. So it's not hard for me to add some edge when I need it. But could I do a real "aggressive" act with this voice? I don't think so, but I don't care. I don't need that much aggression in my life to get things done.

As Violet pointed out in another post, I've begun to let feminine mannerisms into my male life, too. I will touch people now, which is something that Anita found to be quite natural for her. I find myself giving women the little smile that women trade with each other, which Anita learned to do long ago.

After four years, I'm finding myself moving away from the extremes of male/female. But the male side is the one that ends up changing more. Anita already has all the "male" characteristics she needs to get by.

Our paths are all different, though. You may well come up with a different way of beginning to blend the two. So far, this is the way it's progressing for me.

[Merinda]

My situation is different Maggie but I understand where you're comming from , I cannot compete with other males either.

I'm an inferior male product that doesn't make the grade

A male refered to me as a kid today and I take that as a compliment , I think Merinda comes out in my personality from time to time .

[Cathy L. Anderson]

You certainly know your situation better than anyone else, but please let me offer some alternative interpretations. I'm not saying these are right--they're just alternatives.

Okay, after much struggling and denial, I am proceeding on the hypothesis that I in fact have a feminine gender identity.

Are you suggesting your female identity is real and your male identity is not, or that you are 'bi-gendered'?

In either case, it is reasonble to consider the "female gender" idea as a hypothesis. After forming a hypothesis, one next tests it. When a scientist tests a hypothesis using an experiment, is it not prudent to try to set forth in advance what kinds of outcomes would constitute as success (confirmation of theory) and which a failure (rejection of theory)? I think many of us girls conduct experiments, but few do so wisely.

I will stop rationalizing Maggie as simply a theatrical character, and I will accept her as a true expression of who I am.

Or--as *part* of who I am?

Almost everyone who has met me as a woman has liked me ...I have been told that I make a very nice woman.

Or--people have liked the *traits* that I express while I am in woman mode. I.e., is it the 'woman-ness' or some specfic qualities you display that suit you and people like?

The girl in me has done the best she could to be a man, a husband, and a father, and to compete as a male in a man's world.

Or--has tried to live up to a potentially mistaken and unrealistic image of what a male is and how he should life?

But the energy needed to maintain this masculine facade has taken a toll on me. Now that my kids are grown, I am getting tired of denying my true self. Now I want a chance to express myself as a woman.

Or--to express those traits which I have for some reason excluded from my male life?

I am now wondering how to cope with my life and work as a man, without seeming inappropriately "effeminate," while at the same time respecting my identity as a transgendered woman?

If the problem is lack of fulfillment and meaning, then can't those problems be addressed more directly? If one finds fulfillment in one's work, isn't their mind focussed on their work, not on what they're wearing?

My work requires me to be very aggressive, which I find stressful and inconsistent with my feminine nature

Could this be why, at least anectodally, one hears that there are so many crossdressers in certain extremely 'male' professions, such as police and military? Again, isn't the more basic issue changing something about one's work?

My first inclination is to go back into denial mode, and to dismiss this transgender hypothesis as a bunch of nonsense.

Denial, of course, is not good. But perhaps means other than denial might lead one to conclude that CDing is mostly just a fantasy.

Are any of you other girls in the same situation? How do you handle it?

Personally, I have questions about my gender, and allow myself to conduct experiments with the hypothesis that I am a full-fledged transsexual. So far, the experiments fail to produce conclusive evidence that I am. Each time I seem find that other issues in life--such as being of service to others--are much more important, and that thinking about gender issues takes time and energy away from these other interests.

Cathy

[RikkiOfLA]

Hi Maggie,

I really value the responses to your post. They're showing different ways of looking at similar data. They're original and fresh.

While maybe not so good as the others, here's mine.

Once I had come out of the closet about my CDing, I experienced a brief period of taking it too far. I wanted to be very passive. For a while I was too passive, until it annoyed my wife and she called me on it. She taught me that women need to be assertive, not passive or aggressive.

The problem with aggressiveness is that it is essentially conflict. I don't think most people really like conflict; it is stressful and challenging. We all prefer "the big easy," at least at the end of the day when we just want to relax. The aggressive person has no friends, only adversaries. The aggressive person has no equals. Most people are, by comparison, spineless wimps, although there are a few worthy opponents.

Crossdressing allows men to step outside the "rules of engagement" for a while, and to take a vacation from being aggressive. I enjoy not feeling constantly challenged.

Giving up aggressiveness as a man is a nice fantasy. But the other men aren't giving it up just because you are. And they have 1000 names for men who are insufficiently aggressive. And none of those names are nice. "Kid" is definitely the nicest.

Is it any wonder that, on average, women live longer than men?

You are in the process of deciding for yourself under what circumstances you are more comfortable presenting as a woman. Each of us finds their own solution to this question. And while society is not totally accepting, it does afford us more freedom than in the past.

[Sally]

Hi Maggie,

As usual, Rikki comes up with the wise appropriate words. I am also a true believer that each of us have within us the solution to our own personal set of circumstances. Sometimes we have to ask ourselves is it just the clothes and accessories or is it something more complex and deeper.
What is it exactly we wish to achieve?. Are we looking for a balance of living our life as a male and all that it entails and interspersing that with a female identity, are we looking to a greater balance of one gender identity than the other?. I quite realise the difficulties which arise when there is an unaccepting spouse, but I believe before we can start to work through that, we need to identify our needs and goals with our life as a crossdresser or if there is a deeper need.

One thing I would stress, which I believe from personal experience is this. If you are going through a difficult time and you believe you are denying your true self from emerging, then you are never ever going to know if the perception you have of 'your true self' is the true one, if you don't live the image and create the reality. You can never create the reality if you don't live the experience. Sometimes once a month cannot fulfill the need, the time frame is just too long. I'm well aware of the need to keep your marriage and family intact, I've been down that road and it wasn't an easy one. When you have two major forces pulling in opposite directions there is the liklihood of everything and everyone being pulled apart. Having said that, if both sides want to keep everything intact and there is love and commitment, then a balance will be found. I'm not suggesting that it's easy because it's not. It's very challenging and can be quite heart wrenching. I'm not trying to disguise anything or make it any less than it is, I've been down that road and I know many others who also have, but what I can say is that there is a solution, there are answers and finding the right balance can be possible if both sides are willing to talk about it, listen, appreciate and respect the other's viewpoint, needs and wishes.

I also have been married over 30 years, I have 3 adult children. I was on the verge of completing my transition, it was just a matter of setting the date, but when I looked at what I would lose as against what I would gain, I found I was able to stop at that point. The risk of losing my wife and children mortified me. Between myself and my family we worked through compromises over time, and found the right balance where Sally could emerge into the world but at the same time our children could maintain their father and my wife her husband, albeit in a reduced capacity, but one which was acceptable to all parties.

I know that living in the disguise of a man made me at times a not very nice person to know. I can say that life the last few years has been so much better for us all since I entered my transition. Although I have stopped at the surgery bit I can continue on with the hormone program and whilst this is not for everyone, for me it seems to be a very necessary part of my life, if I'm to keep a harmonious emotional balance within myself. This is what the medics suggested to me some years ago and so far it has proved to be correct.

I'm not saying this is for you, but I am using it as an example that no matter how difficult or hopeless the situation may seem at any given time, ( and it can get very bad I know) there is always a solution. It may well turn out that just the clothes and accessories are enough for you on whatever frequency you need or it may be that in time, you'll find you have a deeper need, but what I do know is that if you don't explore the alternatives and live the experience you cannot ever create the reality, and it's reality we need in our life, not falsehoods, whatever that reality is for each person.

What I do know is this. If we don't tell our partner exactly how we feel, and I mean exactly, then she will never ever know. Honesty above all else I find is the only way. If we beat around the bush and only tell part of it all then we are firstly not being honest with ourselves, let alone our partner, and a solution or compromise will never ever be found which will enable everyone to live in harmony. I believe if we enhance our life to the point where we are happy within ourself and our needs and wishes are fulfilled to a satisfactory degree, then that reflects into our very being and creates a more congenial and happy surround which effects those around us and everyone benefits.

I do hope you find the right solution, as I'm sure you will, never give up hope and try not to descend into denial, if you've been there you know what the consequences can be. I'm always hesitent to give advice, but hopefully we can take something from other peoples experiences and apply some part to our own situation, but what I can say is that true love is a powerful force and if it exists then mountains can be moved and solutions can be found which are suitable to all parties, but to achieve this there always needs to be complete honesty, willingness by all sides to explore the others point of view and to listen, not just hear. Talk is a powerful thing and if people don't know exactly how we feel and the depth of our needs then they can't begin to compromise.

Kind Regards.

Sally.

[Jamie Ann]

I am now wondering how to cope with my life and work as a man, without seeming inappropriately "effeminate," while at the same time respecting my identity as a transgendered woman? My work requires me to be very aggressive, which I find stressful and inconsistent with my feminine nature (although there are many aggressive women in the same field nowadays). ... How do you handle it?

     Without knowing more about your work, it is hard to be sure that any suggestions are on the right track.  In most professions these days, stereotyped masculine behavior is not expected.  For instance, being the best accountant or lawyer or teacher you can be does not require any gender-typed behavior.  Focus on the professional skills and knowledge that define your work, and view your masculine clothing, haircut, etc., as simply a uniform that serves a function, helping others to feel comfortable, but that is not a deeply ingrained part of your identity.

[Marda]

I am now wondering how to cope with my life and work as a man, without seeming inappropriately "effeminate," while at the same time respecting my identity as a transgendered woman? My work requires me to be very aggressive, which I find stressful and inconsistent with my feminine nature (although there are many aggressive women in the same field nowadays). ... How do you handle it?

Without knowing more about your work, it is hard to be sure that any suggestions are on the right track. In most professions these days, stereotyped masculine behavior is not expected. For instance, being the best accountant or lawyer or teacher you can be does not require any gender-typed behavior. Focus on the professional skills and knowledge that define your work, and view your masculine clothing, haircut, etc., as simply a uniform that serves a function, helping others to feel comfortable, but that is not a deeply ingrained part of your identity.

~
First, I always love Jamie Ann's replies ...
Second, I'm getting jealous of her avatar "look" ...
and Third, Maggie, you're scaring me with that "my work requires me to be very aggressive" bit ... have I seen you on WWF PayPerView ???

Honestly, no offence meant, but it sounds to me as though you're living a Dr.Jekyl / Mrs.Hyde lifestyle - have you ever heard of the word "choice" ???

How did you end up doing whatever it is you do to earn a living? Is someone forcing you?

Having made these somewhat "edgy" comments, I *do* admire your courage in facing your CD dilema - as we all (can, should) do here ...

I hope you're not about to "go postal" under the apparent pressure ...


/Marda

[Beauty]

Okay, after much struggling and denial, I am proceeding on the hypothesis that I in fact have a feminine gender identity. I will stop rationalizing Maggie as simply a theatrical character, and I will accept her as a true expression of who I am. Almost everyone who has met me as a woman has liked me (other than my wife). I have been told that I make a very nice woman.

The girl in me has done the best she could to be a man, a husband, and a father, and to compete as a male in a man's world. But the energy needed to maintain this masculine facade has taken a toll on me. Now that my kids are grown, I am getting tired of denying my true self. Now I want a chance to express myself as a woman.

But, at the same time I don't want to destroy my marriage, my relationship with my children, or all the other positive things I have built up in my male persona. I don't want SRS, hormones, or transition. Right now I am settling for dressing once a month for TG support group meetings, and whatever opportunities I may have for female impersonation. One consolation is that I can wear various types of men's kilts whenever possible. My wife is happy with the men's kilts, but doesn't want to see me wearing any female clothing.

I am now wondering how to cope with my life and work as a man, without seeming inappropriately "effeminate," while at the same time respecting my identity as a transgendered woman? My work requires me to be very aggressive, which I find stressful and inconsistent with my feminine nature (although there are many aggressive women in the same field nowadays).

My first inclination is to go back into denial mode, and to dismiss this transgender hypothesis as a bunch of nonsense. But I have tried that before.

Are any of you other girls in the same situation? How do you handle it?

OMG! Maggie that is so wondeful!!!

You know I've been rather ... ummm.. well.. I don't know how to say it, but skeptical about you not being TG'd. I felt I'd said it one too many times (directly or indirectly) so I kind of stopped responding to a lot of your posts because I didn't want to offend you or anything. It's not like I'm not someone who is even close to knowing everything, so with you I decided to say, "Stop it. You have no idea if she is an actor or a CD." (to myself).

The only things I have to say are go very slow, take your time to think things out, read older posts in the forum about things other have asked that you may be curious about, and lastly I beg you not to go into denial again. Your unique and beautiful inside and out and finally this theatrical play has allowed all of you to surface. I don't feel that should ever be repressed again.

You are right to go very slow (that's all relative to the person) because you are right about those you love not understanding.

Congratulations and then some for beginning to accept who you are. It's not just a good thing, it's a great thing and I can't tell you how much I admire you for looking inside yourself so much that you can see who you are. I can't express in words how awesome I think your post and starting this thread was. If readers want to go back and take a look at how far she's come you'll see how strong she had to be to get here.

Beauty

[Anne]

As far as clothes go:

1) With winter coming on, kilts may be a bit drafty. Plus our man legs are kinda hairy. Maybe she would let you wear some opaque tights or form fitting pants underneath?

2) Some shoes like pennyloafers I have found to be unisex.

3) Sweaters or turtlenecks can be unisex also. A sweater will hide a form fitting bra - I have a bestform that is very flat so no straps etc.

I can relate with my wife as she is in the same boat, don't ask, don't tell, she knows about the large amount of clothes but really won't talk about it, etc.

[Maggie]

Congratulations and then some for beginning to accept who you are. It's not just a good thing, it's a great thing and I can't tell you how much I admire you for looking inside yourself so much that you can see who you are. I can't express in words how awesome I think your post and starting this thread was. If readers want to go back and take a look at how far she's come you'll see how strong she had to be to get here.

Thanks, Beauty, and all you other girls for your wisdom and encouragement. Thanks to all of you, I am slowly getting the courage to admit that I'm a girl.

I agree that, whatever my solution, I should not go back into denial. I have spent my whole life doing that, and yet my female self is now more insistent upon her freedom than ever. For as long as I remember, I have been terrified that people would discover I was really a girl. I wished I could be truly macho like the other guys, but for me it was an uncomfortably contrived act. Although it didn't come naturally to me, I knew I needed to appear macho to avoid harrassment.

Life would have been so much easier if I simply could have been either all guy, inside and out, or a true genetic female, who could have the fulfillment of bearing children and being a natural wife and mother. Since being a real woman was impossible, it seemed that my best option was to get as much satisfaction as I could from playing the role of a man, a husband, and a father. This enabled me to have a wonderful family, for which I am eternally grateful.

In some ways I feel like one of those female heroines of old, like Portia in "The Merchant of Venice" and Leonora in "Fidelio," who needed to disguise themselves as men in order to perform heroic acts. Only in my case, the male disguise was something I found myself born into. Ironically, l discovered that my acting performances as "Maggie" weren't an "act" at all. I was simply letting down my pretenses and being myself. I felt more relaxed, comfortable, and natural as Maggie than I ever did as a man. These qualities can also be seen in my photos as a woman. That's probably why people have found me to be such a convincing and likeable woman.

Although I might accept myself as a woman - or more accurately, a "trans-woman" - I also recognize that I can't fully express myself as such without huge sacrifices. The restrictions faced by today's trans-women might be compared to those faced by real women back in the olden days, when women had limited rights and were barred from most professions. Perhaps I can use my skills as an actress to play, in real life, a role similar to that of Shakespeare's "Portia," who disguised herself as a man in order to save the day. Perhaps I can enjoy my "trouser role," while knowing that underneath I am still really a woman. Perhaps I can use some of my feminine qualities to enhance my performance. But I will also reserve time to take off my male disguise and enjoy being a girl.

[Maggie]

There is one more thing I must come out and say. I have concluded that my attempts to "cure" myself of crossdressing through reasoning, denial, and even psychotherapy have failed.

Every rational argument tells me that crossdressing has no practical or social benefit, that I'm much better off being a masculine man, and that my fantasies of being female are insanely self-destructive and will only turn me into a pathetic misfit. Although I have convinced myself intellectually of all these negative arguments, my emotional compulsion to express myself a woman hasn't gone away - if anything, it has gotten stronger.

This leads me to accept the premise (which is echoed on almost every TG website) that transgenderism is not a choice. If so, I would have been rid of it long ago. Most likely (as some of you have told me), I was TG from the day I was born. I might as well accept that fact and stop fighting it and feeling guilty about it. It's no one's fault; it's just the way I am. Now I need to figure out a way to deal with my TGism in a graceful way.

[Carolynn]

Welcome Maggie. With this thread, I think you have taken an enormously important step into the mystery of knowing and accepting yourself. I believe all of us have had to make that step to be where we are. Now, you need to be able to chart a course in the new waters you'll be navigating. I hope you will think about seeing a therapist familiar with gender dysphoria and other gender variance.

You indicated you had been in therapy before, but not since Maggie has arrived. With this new insight, you may find it very beneficial to talk to someone again. Even if you decide for now that you will not be taking the course of modifying your body to more closely match your inside and outside, a gender therapist can help you assess your level of needs and help you chart your course by providing a sounding board based on experience with others much like you. I spent four years trying to find compromises between what I needed, the life I led, and the expectation of others for the personality I projected for 53 years, and finally realized I had to find a therapist. It has been beneficial to me to talk things out face-to-face, under conditions of confidentiality.

Based on my experience, they will provide no "pushing" in one direction or another, just help you see alternatives more clearly as you define your needs, and help you ask the hard questions. It can be kinda scary, especially as you contemplate changes in comfortable relationships and life situations. It helps to have someone to vent to and share your insecurities. You at least should have little problem in the area of passability, whatever you decide. Just do not try the denial route. As you said, it doesn't ever work, especially after the genie is out of the bottle.

Best of luck with the journey Maggie.

[Maggie]

You indicated you had been in therapy before, but not since Maggie has arrived. With this new insight, you may find it very beneficial to talk to someone again. Even if you decide for now that you will not be taking the course of modifying your body to more closely match your inside and outside, a gender therapist can help you assess your level of needs and help you chart your course by providing a sounding board based on experience with others much like you.

Actually, I have been seeing a counselor since Maggie re-emerged. Although she doesn't specialize in gender dysphoria, we have discussed my crossdressing at length. She is very wise and has been very helpful and supportive, without pushing me one way or the other.

On one occasion I went to a therapy session immediately before a cabaret rehearsal, while I was fully dressed as Maggie. My therapist told me that I was a very convincing woman, even more convincing in person than in my photographs. It was satisfying to hear this. For some reason I feel a desperate need to have women love and accept me as a woman.

[Beauty]

Hi Maggie,

That is so scary. You look 100% like a woman in your pictures. I never see any hint of a male persona. So if you're even more convincing in real life.. WOW!

Beauty