Dealing with denial

Kyra · Post by **Kyra** » Thu Dec 30, 2004 8:19 am

Well, hello all.
As you may have noticed, I've been away for awhile. Too much to tell at this point, but suffice to say that I feel a bit shaky. I miss y'all.

Feeling at the moment: Awkward.

As you may have guessed, I've been through my Nth purge.

And yes, I'm trying to claw my way back out of the HUGE hole I've buried myself in.

For those I've hurt... I'm sorry. No apology will fix my mistakes, but I feel that I should at least offer a very humble attempt.

gotta go. I still have a day job.

Hugs,
kyra

Post by **DonnaT** » Thu Dec 30, 2004 9:15 am

A big

Kyra.

When ready, tell us all about your hiatus, and why purging is not good for us.

Loretta Ann · Post by **Loretta Ann** » Thu Dec 30, 2004 9:29 am

Hey Kyra,

Good to have you back. I am glad you could make it.

Happy New Year,
Love Darlene.

Anita · Post by **Anita** » Thu Dec 30, 2004 12:24 pm

Hi Kyra--
OK, I'll try not to overwhelm you here, but I am REALLY glad to see you back.

Carol Ann · Post by **Carol Ann** » Thu Dec 30, 2004 12:37 pm

HI Kyra,
I too wish to welcome you back you have been missed

Sorry for the ups and downs in your life but know you will get through it.
I wish I was still in N.O. as we could talk as freinds but I know you were attending a support group so I presume you had friends to talk to. So welcome back and we ALL love you. Did your wife finish school?,

Carol Ann

Beauty · Post by **Beauty** » Thu Dec 30, 2004 8:34 pm

Hi Kyra,

I think about you often, but I was really thinking about you today because I looked at offline friends and saw your name.

I was sad then, but now I'm happy to see you are still with us. In life, just not CD'ing.

When you last left us you and your SO were going down the road of maybe church can change things.

How is she doing? Does she know you are thinking about CD'ing again? If she does please send her my regards and well wishes for the new year. If she doesn't then

I missed you a lot. I'm glad you're back. Some of the faces have changed, but the support is still as great as ever.

Beauty

Jadeanne · Post by **Jadeanne** » Thu Dec 30, 2004 11:30 pm

Kyra,

It's great to see you back!

Jadeanne

Shannon · Post by **Shannon** » Fri Dec 31, 2004 12:39 am

Very Glad to have you back with us Kyra!!!!!

##!!##!!## Bursting out with joy ##!!##!!##

Stay around for a while.... Take care and peace to you and Amber

GalicianGirl(SO) · Post by **GalicianGirl(SO)** » Fri Dec 31, 2004 12:45 am

I had to look twice at your name and pinch myself a few times before I realized it was really you...

Wow!!!! It's so good to hear from you Kyra!!!!

We have all really missed you and Amber!!!! I hope we get to hear more from you real soon...

Sharon(SO)

Kyra · Post by **Kyra** » Fri Dec 31, 2004 7:00 am

Wow!

This place (and its members) truly is a sanctuary. Thank you all!
Thank you, thank you, thank you. It is so good to see so many familiar faces.

It's been an agonizing 6 months. Truth be told, I thought of you all alot. Please bear with me, its early and I've only had one cup of jo. My thoughts are still random.
Brief synopsis:
I told my wife (Amber) about Kyra in Jan. She was okay with it at first. But as time passed she admitted difficulty in dealing with it. We sought counsel. Being strong in faith, we turned to a christian counsellor, who did actually help. After sessions with him, I (yes, I) decided to stop dressing. A sacrifice that I thought would make our relationship stronger. ("That which does not destroy us makes us stronger...) So I closed the door on Kyra. Boxed her up and called it quits. I cut all ties abruptly, and I know that was very inconsiderate (and stupid) of me. Again, I apologize.

So, there I was. Everyday Joe. Normal, right?

The first month everything was fine.
Month two...thoughts clouded my mind from time to time. But easy to fix. Say a prayer or two, occupy my idle hands and then I was good.
Third month was relaxing. Summer time. Vacation time. Boy oh boy did I need that. Major stress relief.
Four months into it, I realized something was wrong. Deep down inside, I knew this wouldn't work. You see, for every time you close your eyes...eventually you have to open them again.
Amber and I talk. We talk about everything. And we talked about this, too. By the end of month five, I was miserable. Focus gone. Judgement impaired. Extremely moody. Let me say that I was a complete mess.
Six months of trying my damnedest to not be who I am nearly caused a melt down.
That pretty much brings us to now. Where do I go. What do I do.
I swallowed pretty hard and posted here. There were a lot of emotions filling my head yesterday. I'm not kidding when I say my hands were shaking. If you've ever hurt someone close to you, you know how difficult apologies can be. I was so worried of what you all must think of me. And so very thankful of the warm welcome I've received. ~~~~~

much more to tell, but I need coffee.

Hugs,
Kyra

CJ · Post by CJ » Fri Dec 31, 2004 7:17 am

Hi all,

Hey Kyra! Welcome back! Go get yourself another cup!

I'm glad you didn't let your fear of having hurt someone stop you from popping in again! I sorely missed you. But life's like that, you know? I understand we sometimes fall below the radar when we try readjust our flight plan.

For you:

Love,
CJ

Love (SO) · Post by **Love (SO)** » Fri Dec 31, 2004 10:19 am

Hi Kyra,

back!!!

Good to hear from you again.

I wish you both all the best.

P.S. Please let Amber know she is missed also and tell her I said, "Hello"

Curly(SO) · Post by **Curly(SO)** » Fri Dec 31, 2004 2:01 pm

Hi Kyra,

It's good to have you back. How is Amber? I hope she comes back here too, we've missed her

I can only begin to imagine what you went through by not dressing. I know that when Ed cannot find the time and privacy to dress for a while it certainly shows in his moods.

Amber...come back and chat!

Love,
Curly(SO)

Elizabeth · Post by **Elizabeth** » Fri Dec 31, 2004 4:37 pm

Kyra,

First let me say I am glad you are back. And I understand why you had to leave. I am sure that there is not one of us who has not done an abrupt purge to try to fix a damaged relationship.

I know these are trying times for you. And perhaps what you need is some outside counseling. I know you have strong faith, but I just don't beleive counseling from a person who beleives what you are doing is morally wrong, is true counseling. When seeking the counsel of others, we need someone who does not have a vested interest. Religious counseling always seems to put the religion ahead of the needs of the person, regardless of the religion.

I am not a religious person, but I am a spiritual person. I do believe there is a higher power. I just don't believe that power condems me for what I am. I hope you can find a way to resolve these issues, and I am glad to see you back here. I know that my sisters here have helped me in ways I can not begin to calculate. But most importantly, to realize that this is not a preference, it is who I am, and that denial is not the answer, but acceptance of oneself.

Good luck sister, and welcome back.

Love always,
Elizabeth

Anita · Post by **Anita** » Fri Dec 31, 2004 6:46 pm

Hi Kyra--
Last night I was having dinner with a woman friend, and she was being kind but frank, telling me that there were parts of my life that needed more male-self attention again.

"Keep Anita around," she said. "Let her come out and play, but YOU take care of the [big issues]."

And I started to cry, right there. "Yes, Anita is ALWAYS going to be around," I said, while my mascara ran. "No one is going to take her away!"

And this is being said even though no one is even trying to "take her away." I can only imagine what it would be like to try to suppress her.

I only tried that in the first half year that I became aware of her. I had never fully dressed, and didn't own any clothes, but this sense of a female self was upsetting me. She was coming through with such force that I felt everyone around me was "seeing" her, even though I looked no different than I ever had.

I was miserable at this time, so I suppose I know something of what you just went through. I couldn't pick and choose what I was going to "squelch," so I found myself shutting down everything to keep the girl bottled up. This was intolerable; I don't think this period last more than a couple of weeks, but it felt like years. I was like a walking zombie.

So that's when I told "Anita" that we were going to go shopping, and we'd be going out. The pressure eased up some, and I got back my ability to talk normally again.

As I've posted under Maggie's post, four years later I'm talking in a lighter voice as a man, and I'm letting myself touch people and smile at them in what I'd consider to be a woman's smile. I owe Anita a lot, for letting me express these things in a pure way first. I could not have experimented with them as a man, but now I feel fine about bringing them in to my life.

I hope this post isn't just about "me." I hope it speaks to what you've been through. I wish I had less prejudice about religious counseling, but I can't pretend I don't. I agree with Elizabeth that I don't see neutrality toward T-girl issues, when I look at most religious teachings.

I have missed you, and noticed that your pictures disappeared overnight. Emails to you dropped into a black hole. Your feelings did confirm what I've said before: if someone quits, or tries to quit, they're not going to come back and tell us about it. What's the point of that? So I don't blame you for cutting all the ties. It was hard on us, yes, but so is what you have been through.

I do hope that you can continue to find the "gifts" in Kyra's presence, since she IS there. I wish Amber the best in trying to cope with the ongoing saga, too.