What about Fear?

[Elizabeth]

Hi girls,

I have been meaning to talk about fear for a while now, but waited until after the holiday season because it is kind of a "heavy" subject.

The reason I brought this up is because so much of my life has been motivated by fear. It seems that fear has been the most motivating factor in my life. I was raised by parents who used corporal punishment and threats of corporal punishments to get obedience. But more than that, they used verbal assaults, humiliation, insults, and condemnation. Child was pitted against child, favortism of certain children, were all used to make sure that we never had any self esteem.

Then I started school. And here you are told to be obedient to all adults, under threat of corporal punishment, segregation, or humiilation. Children of wealthy parents are treated better than children that come from impoverished homes, and for reasons that have never been clear to me, children who are smart are treated bad. Told not to think outside the box, called "know it alls" or "brainiacs" and punished for correcting adults who are either wrong, or lying.

For many they then go to church where again, they are told they are sinners, and need to repent. That they are going to go to hell if they don't do what some "man of god" tells them to do. At least that was my experience as a child.

So it seems I was totally conditioned to respond to fear. Almost every decision I made was based on my fear of the actions, or percieved actions of others. So by the time I started to have the desire to wear my sisters underwear, it just did not seem like it would be a good idea to tell anyone. Why? Because it was wrong? Or was it really because I was afraid of being shamed by others? Being embarassed. Being told there was something wrong with me.

So that is how it started for me. But when I had to keep it a secret, something that is a fundamental part of who I was, I became introverted, and stopped growing emotionally. I had not success with girls because I had no confidence in myself. I was "so bad" I could not even tell people who I really was.

Once I became a teenager and young adult, so much of my life was a secret, I could not even talk about my life. When I told stories to people, they were not stories of my experiences, but experiences of others. I did not date at a young age. I never even got kissed until I was 16, and even then it was because girl kissed me. I have never touched a girls "fun parts" until I was 17. These are things you can not admit to in high school.

So more fear, fear that others would find out that I did not know anything about girls. That all the girls I knew were my friends, not romantic encounters. I did not want to be like the guys these girls described to me. Groping them, using them for sex but not really caring about them. But for some strange reason, all the girls who told me how much they hated these kind of guys, still dated them, and not me.

I was afraid to date. I was afraid that if I did, the girl would find out that I knew nothing, or that she would suspect I was feminine and dump me. So I beat the system by never even asking. I was so afraid of rejection I chose to lose, rather than try. And the few times I did have dates or bring them home, I was critisized later for my choice of dates. Really just a means of making sure I did not actually feel good about myself.

But playing music finally helped me break out of that shell. Rock music is filled with young people who feel rejected by society. Wearing feminine clothes, long hair, or acting feminine were all acceptable in the relm of rock music. There were many girls who it seemed had it for their goal in life to have sex with every member of every band that came to thier town. But these girls turned me off. They were attracted to men who were forward, and vulgar.

What I wanted was someone to love me. Someone who would love me so much, that I could tell them about me. Someone who would love me so much, that it would be ok that I was not like other men. But I was so afraid I would never find that person. My whole life was a fraud still. I was paralized by fear.

Then I found what I thought was a girl who would accept me for who I was. But still I was too afraid to tell her about me. Instead I quit dressing. I wanted to be in love so desperately, I just lost my urge to dress. But looking back I don't think that is what happened at all. I think I was so afraid she would reject me if she found out, that I purged and convinced myself that phase of my live was over, because now I was in love.

However, the desire finally could not be put away. The fear of her finding out was not as great as the fear of never having that wonderful feeling of being in female clothes. But still, everything has been fear motivated.

And finally, I told her. And was soundly rejected. I was eventually forced to renounce crossdressing, purge my things, and promise to never do it again. But of course I did. So more fear. Fear of being caught. Fear of divorce. Fear of my children growing up without me. Fear of everyone knowing. So I spent the next 14 years of my marriage in fear.

The resentments grew. Me resenting her for supressing me, and her resenting me for having lied to her about who I was, until after we were married and had children. But still, everthing fear motivated.

Then I started becoming ill. And more fear. What if I could not work?, What if I become and invalid? What if I stay depressed the rest of my life? What if I remain angry the rest of my life? What if I never get to live as the person I was intended to be?

Fear, Fear, Fear, Fear Fear!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

42 years of living my life in fear. Every decision based not on what I wanted to do with my life, but what would happen to me if my secrets came out. Threats of being outted. But mostly the fear of being alone. I remembered being alone, and it seemed to me, any price was not too high to pay, just as long as I was not alone.

So 2004 has been a year of learning to live without fear. I did have to stop working, so my fear of having health problems, losing my job and being poor was realized. The fear of losing my material possessions, my house, my cars, furnniture, were all realized. Fear of everyone finding out I was a crossdresser was realized. Fear of getting divorced and being alone again was realized. Fear of having an uncertain future, all realized. Every single thing I was afraid of happening, happened.

Hmmmmm? I am still here. Still breathing. I have a place to live. I have a car to drive. I have food to eat. Clothes to wear (girl clothes at that). My oldest son lives with me, and I see my other kids frequently, so I am not really alone. I met a girl online, who totally accepts me as a crossdresser, and human being. I have fallen in love with her. We are planning to meet soon.

I guess that in the end, what was really causing me to be unhappy was not any one of the things in my life, or lack of things. It was not my desire to dress. It was fear.

Ironically one of the things that was most frightening, was learning to let go of the fear. Taking an attitude that I will take each day as it comes, and not be afraid of what will happen, but react to what happens to the best of my ability instead. And everyday I move forward, I am more comfortable with this new way of thinking.

I will not try to kid you and say I have no fears, and have conquered this whole fear thing. I have not. But what I have dones was make a decision to stop letting fear be the motivating force in my life. It is a choice and I can choose not to live in fear. And all I have to do to do is be willing to accept the outcome of my decisions and actions.

What is it that Dr Phil always says "when you accept the behavior, you accept the consequences of that behavior". It really is that simple.

I invite all opinions, stories, thoughts, and beleifs about fear, that anyone might add, which will hopefully enlighten me further.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Terri(SO)]

Elizabeth. Wow.
I am so happy for you, coming to this point in the universe.
I wish you (and your new love, and your family) all the happiness you can stand!

[Loretta Ann]

That is a very good post Elizabeth,

I identify with what you have said about fear 100%. My life was very similar. As a result I have reached a place where I do not look for trouble, but if it has to be then bring it on and lets get it over with. If I see that it is inevitable I can become quite aggressive, as I am not willing to pay the price of being controlled by fear any more It simply costs to much.

Elizabeth I could of written what you wrote about the way you were treated as a child. You described a large part of my life. For years I thought it was due to the fact that my parents did not know any better. I learned that was not the situation. And when I confronted the parent who was responsible I was told I am sorry but there is nothing I could of or can do about it.

That parents secret was and is not pretty. I was used as a pawn to meet a need in a very sick way. One question that helped me realize it was not as it appeared to be. Was why did my parents not try another method? Why did they continue with the same behavior when it did not bring about the results they claimed it should? I could not understand why it was just me that had to continually try different things that I hoped would work only to finally arrive at the conclusion that there was no way I could ever please them.

Any thing that we try to achieve that we have not done before consists of a trial and error procedure. Why was that not the situation for my parents? Why did they keep insisting on continuing the same behavior? I needed to have that answer so that I knew what I needed to forgive them of so that I could be healed.

I don't know if you will find any of this helpful but that is the way it was for me. And that has turned into a blessing for me today, Anyone who I see stuck on continuing the same kind of behavior over and over again with out success, has an ulterior motive.

Love Darlene

[Beauty]

Hi Elizabeth,

Terri kind of said the word I was going to use. "Wow"

That was a very powerful post and I'm proud of you for facing all of your fears and giving advice on the other side of the realization of the things you feared. It's totally great advice.

I know you said you haven't conquered 100% of your fears or anything, but I think you've done a whole lot of conquering nonetheless.

I live in the fears that you're talking about now. Other than my wife, my mom and a few close friends no one knows about this side of my life. I will use your words of wisdom to guide me when fear strikes me about who I am and I am unable to move (in a moment in time or over a period of time). I will also you them to help me when the thoughts come in to my head about what could happen. I don't know why, but for me (and I think others) life is easier knowing someone has gone through what you're going through. Your words were very comforting.

Thank you so much for writing with your heart and wisdom. I really took a lot from that post and related with a great deal of it too.

Beauty

[Anita]

Hi Elizabeth--
A very strong and fearless post.

I read about both yours and Darlene's pasts and know that mine was never that bad. I am thankful the two of you are still alive to write those stories, and did not succumb along the way.

I think I can keep my points short. As soon as I went out the door as Anita, I was nervous, but my greatest fear was not about the public "out there." I was gripped with a fear that someone would take "her" and these wonderful feelings away. It was a strong fear. I knew rationally that no one around me could do that, but I was also afraid that "I" would do it to myself!

I didn't know whether I could keep at it--would I give up on Anita if things got hard, or got violent? I just didn't know. But week after week, I kept dressing and going out there, and I got so I trusted myself. The fear begin to go away, and I knew I would handle whatever people threw at me. And I found it wasn't so hard, after all, and I begin to know what to do.

The other point is about regret. I have had to dismantle my regrets at not living up to what I aspired to do, in many ways. All of us posting in this thread have some degree of regret, from all the pain that kept us down.
I have had to work hard at sweeping that regret aside. I have to acknowledge it at least once, but I don't have to keep living with it.

In the last few months, I filled in some missing pieces in my inner self. I already learned, with Anita to get over the mourning for the lost time that came before the breakthrough. I'm concentrating on what I have NOW, and I'm faster at moving through the regret this time.

[Cathy L. Anderson]

Thanks Elizabeth for sharing this.

Fear is endemic in our society. One might say we live in a culture of fear. And not just ours, but most, currently and throughout history.

A book I once read suggested that Love is the antidote to Fear. Love and Fear cannot co-exist. When you are feeling Love, you cannot be feeling Fear.

Cathy

[Elizabeth]

Hi girls,

Thanks for all the wonderful replies,

Darlene,

You seem to have a firm grasp of what it is to spend a great part of your life living in a culture of fear. I can totally relate to what you said about the "let's get it over with". I think more than anything else, I am just tired of being afraid. Since my coming here, and my coming out of the closet. I really have had an attitude which has reflected this desire to confront all of these fears and push forward through them. I am sure it makes it look like I am rushing everything, but it is this desire to "bring it on" as you put it and "let's get it over with".

Terri,

It has seemed more like a natural progression, than a "wow". I appreciate your kindness, but it really has seemed to me like something that happened rather than something I did. Thanks for you input.

Beauty,

You are so, "Generous" in your interpretation of what has transpired in my life. However, I think it would be more accurate to say my fears confronted me, than I confronted my fears. I am a coward. I am not so sure I would have willingly confronted all those things, or even any of those things, had the choice to do so been placed in my hands. When the choide was in my hands, I always chose not to confront them, instead living in fear. I guess the real conclusion for me is that qoute from "Treasure of the Sierra Madre" (no! it's not the more famous "Badges, we don't need no stinking badges") The less famous quote "You know? the worst ain't so bad, not nearly as bad as you think it's going to be before it happens" The worst has not been nearly as bad as I had invisioned it in my mind. It seems the real fear was being seen as a failure, by me. And that was the one fear that was not realized. Perhaps that is the real wisdom of all of this?

Anita,

I can relate to a lot of what you say, being a 24/7 dresser. However I am not nearly so far down the path as you. In fact yesterday I drove my kids back to thier mom's and on the way back, I had to use the restroom. There was no way I could hold it. The restroom has been a real stumbling block for me. I am very much afraid of being alone in a men's restroom where I could be assualted, but not being even remotely passable because I don't wear a wig or breastforms, am very apprehensive about using the women's restroom. So I pulled into a gas station-fast food-convenience store place. I was going to the restroom, I would decide at the last minute which one, based on what kind of people were around. Well, it being Sunday, and the end of Christmas Vacation, the place was packed. There was a line to both restrooms. I was really nervous, I walked around the store, got me some coffee, and finally got in line to use the restroom. And you would not beleive my good fortune. Two restrooms, both unisex. SAVED!!!!!!!. No mens restroom, no women's restroom, no decision to make, this time. But I know I can not limit myself to outtings of how long I can go without needing to use a restroom. I am going to have to confront this fear, and I am sure I will. But for now, I will keep looking for establishments with unisex restrooms.

Cathy,

Having a new love interest in my life I can tell you with absolute certainty that love does not make fear obsolete, but it sure takes the sting out of it.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Anita]

Elizabeth--
You have been down the road as far as I have in regard to the fear I talk of. You are still going out there, day after day, and you have not given up on dressing the way you feel.

Cathy--
I agree with your statement that love and fear cannot co-exist. Some days I specifically watch for fear thoughts, and they come in waves, one after another.

To watch them come in takes some of the sting out of them, and I immediately correct them if I can. It is not surprising that out of every one hundred fear thoughts, one might be an actual concern that needs action right now. The rest are spam.

[Beauty]

Hi girls,

Thanks for all the wonderful replies,

Darlene,

...I really have had an attitude which has reflected this desire to confront all of these fears and push forward through them. I am sure it makes it look like I am rushing everything, but it is this desire to "bring it on" as you put it and "let's get it over with".

Beauty,

You are so, "Generous" in your interpretation of what has transpired in my life. However, I think it would be more accurate to say my fears confronted me, than I confronted my fears. I am a coward. I am not so sure I would have willingly confronted all those things, or even any of those things, had the choice to do so been placed in my hands. When the choide was in my hands, I always chose not to confront them, instead living in fear. I guess the real conclusion for me is that qoute from "Treasure of the Sierra Madre" (no! it's not the more famous "Badges, we don't need no stinking badges") The less famous quote "You know? the worst ain't so bad, not nearly as bad as you think it's going to be before it happens" The worst has not been nearly as bad as I had invisioned it in my mind. It seems the real fear was being seen as a failure, by me. And that was the one fear that was not realized. Perhaps that is the real wisdom of all of this?

Hi Elizabeth,

You're welcome. I don't think you're a coward, but I can't stop you from calling yourself that.

I re-read my post and I didn't really say that you didn't have your fears run into you. I was remarking on how great it was that, however they were realized, you confronted them(your fears).

I think what you said to Darlene about the way you were coping was more in line with what I was talking about. Cowards probably never say bring it on. They live their lives hiding even when fear confronts them. They probably don't say lets just get it over with either. They just keep on hiding and living in denial. You've confronted it. Elizabeth not equal to coward.

I do my best not to throw out compliments just to give fluff words. I did re-read the post to make sure I wasn't to fluffy in my praise for you post and your strength. After reviewing it again I have to say I still think you deserved the kudos I wrote.

Sorry!!!

Beauty

[Elizabeth]

Beauty,

You are correct. I don't mean to talk in circles, but I did. I guess what I was saying is that I never wanted to bring all this in the open. That was the coward part. But once it was in the open, I decided it was best to just confront it all, instead of confronting it little by little. For me, "Baby Steps" does not work. I hate dragging things out.

So you are correct, I don't feel like a coward now, but I used to. I used to be very much ashamed, not of being a closet crossdresser, but of not having the courage to confront it and live my life how I feel I should. That is what I meant when I said that when the decision to confront my fears was in my hands, I chose not to. Which of course was only referring to the time before I was outted. I am sorry I was not more clear about that. It was perfectly clear in my head. All you needed to do was read my mind and you would have understood perfectly. (laff)

Anyways, I do understand how you meant it now, and thankyou for your support, as you know the support from my sisters here reallly has been a great source of strength for me, and I feel it empowers me to confront my fears with information, and a feeling that I am not some kind of freak but rather a part of a community. Thankyou.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[CJ]

Hi all,

Elizabeth,

I fear whatever words of praise I use will not do your thoughts justice. That was an awesome post! Thanks for sharing.

A book I read when I was much younger that had a tremendous impact on me:



Love (not fear),
CJ

[Beauty]

Beauty,

You are correct. I don't mean to talk in circles, but I did. I guess what I was saying is that I never wanted to bring all this in the open. That was the coward part. But once it was in the open, I decided it was best to just confront it all, instead of confronting it little by little. For me, "Baby Steps" does not work. I hate dragging things out.

So you are correct, I don't feel like a coward now, but I used to. I used to be very much ashamed, not of being a closet crossdresser, but of not having the courage to confront it and live my life how I feel I should. That is what I meant when I said that when the decision to confront my fears was in my hands, I chose not to. Which of course was only referring to the time before I was outted. I am sorry I was not more clear about that. It was perfectly clear in my head. All you needed to do was read my mind and you would have understood perfectly. (laff)

Anyways, I do understand how you meant it now, and thankyou for your support, as you know the support from my sisters here reallly has been a great source of strength for me, and I feel it empowers me to confront my fears with information, and a feeling that I am not some kind of freak but rather a part of a community. Thankyou.

Love always,
Elizabeth

Hi again Elizabeth,

Thank you for responding.

Beauty

[Loretta Ann]

The worst has not been nearly as bad as I had envisioned it in my mind. It seems the real fear was being seen as a failure, by me. And that was the one fear that was not realized. Perhaps that is the real wisdom of all of this?

I believe you are right Elizabeth,

The consequences of being outed (for me) were not nearly as bad as I had anticipated. I believe that when one continues to live in fear of exposure, the chances are good that will become ones reality. Hind sight is such a wonderful teacher.

I see it this way; We are faced with a choice ether confront our fears and be free, Or live in fear, (controlled by it) there by needing to attempt to change society, so that exposure will not need be an issue, hoping to escape the responsibility of having to confront our fears.

Thank you so much for starting this thread. What a beautiful contribution you have made here.

Love Darlene.

[Cathy L. Anderson]

Having a new love interest in my life I can tell you with absolute certainty that love does not make fear obsolete, but it sure takes the sting out of it.

To clarify, the kind of Love this author was talking about is not romantic love. Maybe a better word might be compassion. When one is feeling compassion, or, even better, when one is focusing the mind on compassionate action, then there is no fear, because, for that period of time, the self does not exist.

Some days I specifically watch for fear thoughts, and they come in waves, one after another...To watch them come in takes some of the sting out of them, and I immediately correct them if I can. It is not surprising that out of every one hundred fear thoughts, one might be an actual concern that needs action right now. The rest are spam.

This is a good observation. Trying to "deconstruct" fears often helps. If one feels fear, can one define exactly what one fears? Can one give words to the fear, or the feared outcome?

[CJ]

Hi all,

I found this page as a link on the CDDF. It seems we should be ashamed of our own fear. What think you all on this?

http://graffiti.virgin.net/sally.watson ... chieve.htm

Love,
CJ