What about Fear?
Posted: Mon Jan 03, 2005 9:28 pm
Hi girls,
I have been meaning to talk about fear for a while now, but waited until after the holiday season because it is kind of a "heavy" subject.
The reason I brought this up is because so much of my life has been motivated by fear. It seems that fear has been the most motivating factor in my life. I was raised by parents who used corporal punishment and threats of corporal punishments to get obedience. But more than that, they used verbal assaults, humiliation, insults, and condemnation. Child was pitted against child, favortism of certain children, were all used to make sure that we never had any self esteem.
Then I started school. And here you are told to be obedient to all adults, under threat of corporal punishment, segregation, or humiilation. Children of wealthy parents are treated better than children that come from impoverished homes, and for reasons that have never been clear to me, children who are smart are treated bad. Told not to think outside the box, called "know it alls" or "brainiacs" and punished for correcting adults who are either wrong, or lying.
For many they then go to church where again, they are told they are sinners, and need to repent. That they are going to go to hell if they don't do what some "man of god" tells them to do. At least that was my experience as a child.
So it seems I was totally conditioned to respond to fear. Almost every decision I made was based on my fear of the actions, or percieved actions of others. So by the time I started to have the desire to wear my sisters underwear, it just did not seem like it would be a good idea to tell anyone. Why? Because it was wrong? Or was it really because I was afraid of being shamed by others? Being embarassed. Being told there was something wrong with me.
So that is how it started for me. But when I had to keep it a secret, something that is a fundamental part of who I was, I became introverted, and stopped growing emotionally. I had not success with girls because I had no confidence in myself. I was "so bad" I could not even tell people who I really was.
Once I became a teenager and young adult, so much of my life was a secret, I could not even talk about my life. When I told stories to people, they were not stories of my experiences, but experiences of others. I did not date at a young age. I never even got kissed until I was 16, and even then it was because girl kissed me. I have never touched a girls "fun parts" until I was 17. These are things you can not admit to in high school.
So more fear, fear that others would find out that I did not know anything about girls. That all the girls I knew were my friends, not romantic encounters. I did not want to be like the guys these girls described to me. Groping them, using them for sex but not really caring about them. But for some strange reason, all the girls who told me how much they hated these kind of guys, still dated them, and not me.
I was afraid to date. I was afraid that if I did, the girl would find out that I knew nothing, or that she would suspect I was feminine and dump me. So I beat the system by never even asking. I was so afraid of rejection I chose to lose, rather than try. And the few times I did have dates or bring them home, I was critisized later for my choice of dates. Really just a means of making sure I did not actually feel good about myself.
But playing music finally helped me break out of that shell. Rock music is filled with young people who feel rejected by society. Wearing feminine clothes, long hair, or acting feminine were all acceptable in the relm of rock music. There were many girls who it seemed had it for their goal in life to have sex with every member of every band that came to thier town. But these girls turned me off. They were attracted to men who were forward, and vulgar.
What I wanted was someone to love me. Someone who would love me so much, that I could tell them about me. Someone who would love me so much, that it would be ok that I was not like other men. But I was so afraid I would never find that person. My whole life was a fraud still. I was paralized by fear.
Then I found what I thought was a girl who would accept me for who I was. But still I was too afraid to tell her about me. Instead I quit dressing. I wanted to be in love so desperately, I just lost my urge to dress. But looking back I don't think that is what happened at all. I think I was so afraid she would reject me if she found out, that I purged and convinced myself that phase of my live was over, because now I was in love.
However, the desire finally could not be put away. The fear of her finding out was not as great as the fear of never having that wonderful feeling of being in female clothes. But still, everything has been fear motivated.
And finally, I told her. And was soundly rejected. I was eventually forced to renounce crossdressing, purge my things, and promise to never do it again. But of course I did. So more fear. Fear of being caught. Fear of divorce. Fear of my children growing up without me. Fear of everyone knowing. So I spent the next 14 years of my marriage in fear.
The resentments grew. Me resenting her for supressing me, and her resenting me for having lied to her about who I was, until after we were married and had children. But still, everthing fear motivated.
Then I started becoming ill. And more fear. What if I could not work?, What if I become and invalid? What if I stay depressed the rest of my life? What if I remain angry the rest of my life? What if I never get to live as the person I was intended to be?
Fear, Fear, Fear, Fear Fear!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
42 years of living my life in fear. Every decision based not on what I wanted to do with my life, but what would happen to me if my secrets came out. Threats of being outted. But mostly the fear of being alone. I remembered being alone, and it seemed to me, any price was not too high to pay, just as long as I was not alone.
So 2004 has been a year of learning to live without fear. I did have to stop working, so my fear of having health problems, losing my job and being poor was realized. The fear of losing my material possessions, my house, my cars, furnniture, were all realized. Fear of everyone finding out I was a crossdresser was realized. Fear of getting divorced and being alone again was realized. Fear of having an uncertain future, all realized. Every single thing I was afraid of happening, happened.
Hmmmmm? I am still here. Still breathing. I have a place to live. I have a car to drive. I have food to eat. Clothes to wear (girl clothes at that). My oldest son lives with me, and I see my other kids frequently, so I am not really alone. I met a girl online, who totally accepts me as a crossdresser, and human being. I have fallen in love with her. We are planning to meet soon.
I guess that in the end, what was really causing me to be unhappy was not any one of the things in my life, or lack of things. It was not my desire to dress. It was fear.
Ironically one of the things that was most frightening, was learning to let go of the fear. Taking an attitude that I will take each day as it comes, and not be afraid of what will happen, but react to what happens to the best of my ability instead. And everyday I move forward, I am more comfortable with this new way of thinking.
I will not try to kid you and say I have no fears, and have conquered this whole fear thing. I have not. But what I have dones was make a decision to stop letting fear be the motivating force in my life. It is a choice and I can choose not to live in fear. And all I have to do to do is be willing to accept the outcome of my decisions and actions.
What is it that Dr Phil always says "when you accept the behavior, you accept the consequences of that behavior". It really is that simple.
I invite all opinions, stories, thoughts, and beleifs about fear, that anyone might add, which will hopefully enlighten me further.
Love always,
Elizabeth
I have been meaning to talk about fear for a while now, but waited until after the holiday season because it is kind of a "heavy" subject.
The reason I brought this up is because so much of my life has been motivated by fear. It seems that fear has been the most motivating factor in my life. I was raised by parents who used corporal punishment and threats of corporal punishments to get obedience. But more than that, they used verbal assaults, humiliation, insults, and condemnation. Child was pitted against child, favortism of certain children, were all used to make sure that we never had any self esteem.
Then I started school. And here you are told to be obedient to all adults, under threat of corporal punishment, segregation, or humiilation. Children of wealthy parents are treated better than children that come from impoverished homes, and for reasons that have never been clear to me, children who are smart are treated bad. Told not to think outside the box, called "know it alls" or "brainiacs" and punished for correcting adults who are either wrong, or lying.
For many they then go to church where again, they are told they are sinners, and need to repent. That they are going to go to hell if they don't do what some "man of god" tells them to do. At least that was my experience as a child.
So it seems I was totally conditioned to respond to fear. Almost every decision I made was based on my fear of the actions, or percieved actions of others. So by the time I started to have the desire to wear my sisters underwear, it just did not seem like it would be a good idea to tell anyone. Why? Because it was wrong? Or was it really because I was afraid of being shamed by others? Being embarassed. Being told there was something wrong with me.
So that is how it started for me. But when I had to keep it a secret, something that is a fundamental part of who I was, I became introverted, and stopped growing emotionally. I had not success with girls because I had no confidence in myself. I was "so bad" I could not even tell people who I really was.
Once I became a teenager and young adult, so much of my life was a secret, I could not even talk about my life. When I told stories to people, they were not stories of my experiences, but experiences of others. I did not date at a young age. I never even got kissed until I was 16, and even then it was because girl kissed me. I have never touched a girls "fun parts" until I was 17. These are things you can not admit to in high school.
So more fear, fear that others would find out that I did not know anything about girls. That all the girls I knew were my friends, not romantic encounters. I did not want to be like the guys these girls described to me. Groping them, using them for sex but not really caring about them. But for some strange reason, all the girls who told me how much they hated these kind of guys, still dated them, and not me.
I was afraid to date. I was afraid that if I did, the girl would find out that I knew nothing, or that she would suspect I was feminine and dump me. So I beat the system by never even asking. I was so afraid of rejection I chose to lose, rather than try. And the few times I did have dates or bring them home, I was critisized later for my choice of dates. Really just a means of making sure I did not actually feel good about myself.
But playing music finally helped me break out of that shell. Rock music is filled with young people who feel rejected by society. Wearing feminine clothes, long hair, or acting feminine were all acceptable in the relm of rock music. There were many girls who it seemed had it for their goal in life to have sex with every member of every band that came to thier town. But these girls turned me off. They were attracted to men who were forward, and vulgar.
What I wanted was someone to love me. Someone who would love me so much, that I could tell them about me. Someone who would love me so much, that it would be ok that I was not like other men. But I was so afraid I would never find that person. My whole life was a fraud still. I was paralized by fear.
Then I found what I thought was a girl who would accept me for who I was. But still I was too afraid to tell her about me. Instead I quit dressing. I wanted to be in love so desperately, I just lost my urge to dress. But looking back I don't think that is what happened at all. I think I was so afraid she would reject me if she found out, that I purged and convinced myself that phase of my live was over, because now I was in love.
However, the desire finally could not be put away. The fear of her finding out was not as great as the fear of never having that wonderful feeling of being in female clothes. But still, everything has been fear motivated.
And finally, I told her. And was soundly rejected. I was eventually forced to renounce crossdressing, purge my things, and promise to never do it again. But of course I did. So more fear. Fear of being caught. Fear of divorce. Fear of my children growing up without me. Fear of everyone knowing. So I spent the next 14 years of my marriage in fear.
The resentments grew. Me resenting her for supressing me, and her resenting me for having lied to her about who I was, until after we were married and had children. But still, everthing fear motivated.
Then I started becoming ill. And more fear. What if I could not work?, What if I become and invalid? What if I stay depressed the rest of my life? What if I remain angry the rest of my life? What if I never get to live as the person I was intended to be?
Fear, Fear, Fear, Fear Fear!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
42 years of living my life in fear. Every decision based not on what I wanted to do with my life, but what would happen to me if my secrets came out. Threats of being outted. But mostly the fear of being alone. I remembered being alone, and it seemed to me, any price was not too high to pay, just as long as I was not alone.
So 2004 has been a year of learning to live without fear. I did have to stop working, so my fear of having health problems, losing my job and being poor was realized. The fear of losing my material possessions, my house, my cars, furnniture, were all realized. Fear of everyone finding out I was a crossdresser was realized. Fear of getting divorced and being alone again was realized. Fear of having an uncertain future, all realized. Every single thing I was afraid of happening, happened.
Hmmmmm? I am still here. Still breathing. I have a place to live. I have a car to drive. I have food to eat. Clothes to wear (girl clothes at that). My oldest son lives with me, and I see my other kids frequently, so I am not really alone. I met a girl online, who totally accepts me as a crossdresser, and human being. I have fallen in love with her. We are planning to meet soon.
I guess that in the end, what was really causing me to be unhappy was not any one of the things in my life, or lack of things. It was not my desire to dress. It was fear.
Ironically one of the things that was most frightening, was learning to let go of the fear. Taking an attitude that I will take each day as it comes, and not be afraid of what will happen, but react to what happens to the best of my ability instead. And everyday I move forward, I am more comfortable with this new way of thinking.
I will not try to kid you and say I have no fears, and have conquered this whole fear thing. I have not. But what I have dones was make a decision to stop letting fear be the motivating force in my life. It is a choice and I can choose not to live in fear. And all I have to do to do is be willing to accept the outcome of my decisions and actions.
What is it that Dr Phil always says "when you accept the behavior, you accept the consequences of that behavior". It really is that simple.
I invite all opinions, stories, thoughts, and beleifs about fear, that anyone might add, which will hopefully enlighten me further.
Love always,
Elizabeth
Sorry!!! 
