Crossdressers-Haven.com

I have been mulling this over and over these past few weeks. It's been almost an obsession. Do I really want to transition and risk the possible loss of my son? Do I really want to transition more than I want to be what my family wants me to be - husband, father and grandfather? Do I really want to transition and find a new job?

All my life I have dreamed of being female. I had convinced myself that wasn't possible. Through therapy I realized it was possible to achieve a passable form of female. Then I rejoiced at the idea of this being a reality. But reality reared it's ugly head and woke me up to all that transitioning could mean.

My daughter once said she would have to find someone else to walk her down the aisle if I transitioned. My son won't talk to me. My wife doesn't want to live with me. Little by little I realized the stories I read about the expereinces of others who lost little didn't apply in my case.

I recently told my daughter I wouldn't have any surgeries until after she gets married. That I would be there as her dad to walk her down the aisle. It felt great to say that. Then I thought I could just crossdress and not transition at all. So I told my wife and daughter of that decision. I felt a great sense of relief when I did that.

Now I have noticed a certain edginess in me lately. I have been putting in a lot of hours at work so it may be just me being tired. But I just don't feel as happy as I did when I was committed to transitioning. But I felt a lot of pain from the reaction of my family too.

I already know what I am like when I repress Julie. Even my wife says she doesn't want to see that person return. But could I be just as happy if I abandoned transitioning and used crossdressing as my only outlet? Would I be able to keep my family intact if I did?

Right now I have three parts of my life pulling on me. One is my family, another is work and the third is Julie. Each are pretty strong. Two, family and work, want or need Jim to stay as is. The other is internal and very persistent in getting her way.

I'm sure many of you battle similar conflicts. How do you handle it? What help do you get in dealing with it? Any input would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you,
Julie

I am battling a self conflict at the moment , but what I'm going through is nothing compared to the decision your trying to make Julie.

I really cant offer any good advise , all I can do is hope and prey that whatever path you take leads to your happiness .

Hi Julie,

All I have to offer is this quote.

The first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: Decide what you want.
Ben Stein

Love Darlene.

Decide what you want. Ahh, there's the rub! Often times, we want lots of things, things that conflict with each other. We want to be successful at work so we can enjoy time off. But if we work too hard, we have no time off. That's just an example.

Julie, you may find the concept of defining your own transition to be helpful. That means, rather than following the Harry Benjamin Standards, define your own "Julie M. Standards." I'll give you some examples. I don't really think that any of them is exactly what you want, but they all share this concept.

I'm happily married to a wonderful woman who will let me dress all I want. But she puts her foot down at hormones or surgery, or really anything permanent. My job encourages me to transition(!) Yes, you read that right. I'm the pastor of perhaps the first transgender-based church in America, maybe the world. My extended family all know I am TG, but few of them want to see me dressed that way. And me? I freely admit to being a transvestite--that is, the sexual aspect of crossdressing is part (but not all) of the appeal. I have some gender dysphoria, but it's relatively mild. I'm relatively passable, though not gorgeous. I look very similar to women of my age, ethnic and educational background, and outlook on life. I enjoy fashion but I'm not the glamor type really. Most evenings I stay home--I rarely go to nightclubs. So what works for me is to be a full-time crossdresser. I save my male clothes for extended family events, which are about 4 times a year. The rest of the time I'm Rikki. I've never taken a hormone or had electrolysis. My solution is unusual, but not unique. I know about 5 other people who are doing the same thing. All are happily married, of course, as well as well-educated, relatiely liberal, and older.

My friend Charlotte's solution is different. She's also in her 50s. She has a high-paying job working with military aircraft. They don't care what she looks like, but HE has to report to work male. She's single, loves to dress glamorously, and hits the clubs every weekend. She's on hormones but will never be full time. When she dresses, she does it to the nines. The rest of the time she's happy to be her male self.

Beth has a big, loud, extended family. So even though she's post-op, she still dresses male for family gatherings. When she was going through her real life test, she simply chose to exclude family gatherings from her definition of full time. It works for her.

You see, what we have in common is that we each defined transition to fit our own particular needs. We conducted a careful analysis of our needs and situations. If married, we explored with our spouse to know her limits, needs, and feelings. We carefully choose who in our lives knows what. All family members do not need to know whether we're on hormones, or what surgeries are in our lives, past or future. We can dress one way for work, another way for family, another way when we're alone. The details are quite specific, even unusual. But they work for us.

If you live with someone, it's pretty hard to hide your gender from them. The best approach to take with a spouse may be carefully learning and balancing your needs vs. hers. It may be necessary to hide some things from her in some cases.

Now, I freely admit this approach may not solve your problems. It certainly won't solve all of them. But you may be able to find a unique solution that works for you. If you can, do it. If not, you have some hard choices ahead of you, choices that only you can make. If you absolutely have to choose between the needs of your family and job for Jim, vs. your own need to be Julie, all I can offer is my prayers. I have friends on both sides of that issue. There is going to be some heartache whichever way you decide, I'm sure. God bless!

Hi Julie,

I would like to add my experience and opinion to this discussion. In deference to my sister Rikki I don't agree that our loved ones should have a say so. With all do respect to Rikki, her situation works because her desires are in line with what her wife agrees to.

What if ones wife does not agree to let you dress as much as you like? What if one wants to take hormones, but the SO does not agree? What of the desire to transition is not a desire at all, but is required because of severe gender dysphoria?

I spent 33 very unhappy years living my life how everyone else wanted me to live it. And not only did it not make me happy, it made no one else happy either. Will the happiness from a 20 second walk down an isle of a 20 minute ceremony, that is more likely to not last 4 years, than to last, be more than the happiness you would feel from getting to be the person you feel you should be? Only you can answer that.

I think each person has to decide if they are happier living for others than for themselves. Like Rikki, I live full time as a female. However, this only became possible as the dominoes began to fall in my life. I believe that if I were still working, it would be impossbile to be full time. Only because I became disabled, and have a steady income from SSD, do I not have to consider what those at work would think, or try to find work as a crossdresser.

The end of working also started the end of my marriage. So the two biggest obsticals to being full time, vanished. Then my wife outted me to my brother, which meant my family all knew. Add to that my strong desire to dress, and a high degree of gender dysphoria, and it was clear to me, it was time to start living for me.

How does one decide to transition? I don't think it's a decision. I think those that must, do. I am not attracted to men sexually. I also live my life full time as a woman. So does anyone actually know if I have a vagina or not? Does it really matter? I mean, what would I do with a vagina if I had one?

So for me transitioning meant transitioning my life so I could live as a woman. And as long as I am living the way I want to, it is not all that important to me to have breasts or a vagina. And as far as the public? They don't know if I am transitioned or not. There really is no one to please but myself.

So I guess in the end my advice would be the same as Darlene.
What do you want? Not what does your wife want. Not what does your kids want. What does Julie want? And just like anything, you have to be willing to accept the consequences of you actions. If the consequences are higher than you are willing to pay? Well we make decisions like that every day.

I hope that helps.

Love always,
Elizabeth

Hi Julie,

I think it's just a good idea to not go fast into these decisions. You've known most of your life on the inside you're a female. So the only thing I see that's good out of this whole thing is that you'll be able to think a little longer and plan what you're going to do going forward. So I agree with your decision to wait.

On the other hand the getting edgy stuff. Well, I can tell you I've been through that. In 2002-2003 I was really starting to feel as if I wanted to transition for multiple reasons. I thought of how cool it would be to finally have justification for dressing like I wanted, looking like I wanted, and being treated the way I wanted. After re-evaluation I decided I could get all of that and still be married and not transition. Part of my re-evaluation was me realizing that I didn't really want to be a woman 100% of the time. I've come to realize I'm more of a 50/50 gendered person. I would not have been happy transitioning because of my family, my marriage, my friends, my career, and the fact that I don't feel like a woman trapped in a man's body. If I put all the reasons the answer was "no" I'd bore you to tears (more than maybe I already have).

After I decided this... oh wow did I become not the best person to be around almost instantly. I was angry because I had considered all of these things I couldn't be because of others. That didn't make me too happy. I blamed people for me not being allowed to be me. I completely forgot about the biggest decision for me which was the fact I didn't feel like a woman in a man's body. I forgot I could do things I wanted to do. I forgot that I needed to be more compromising with my wife who I entered a marriage with and promised to be a good hubby. Again because this isn't a book and is just a post, there are more things I forgot, but these were some of the most important.

I began to realize I had more leverage with compromising, to save my marriage, than I had originally thought. I was considering living my life as a woman, so anything other than that was a compromise. I realized I was doing my part in my marriage. Then I just had to figure out how to be happy with me again. So that's why I got laser hair removal, why I started shaving my body everyday (legs/underarms), why I told my wife about FFS, and why I decided BA surgery may be something I do, but my compromise on this was I wouldn't do it immediately. I decided my compromise for BA surgery would be to wait 2 years to see if I still felt the same way. It's been two years now and I still plan on having that surgery and because it's taken time my wife is still not overjoyed at the thought, but she understands that the size I'm looking to be isn't really what she thought and says she can accept this. Thank you father time.

In that time I've also realized I don't want to live my public life as a woman. I like being seen as a guy. Life is just easier this way. I plan on getting FFS in the next year and a half. It won't change my male self too much, but it will totally help my femme self. It's something I want and it's not me transitioning. It's me compromising about transitioning. I believe I could transition and live a lifestyle that I'd be fine with, but I also love my wife, my family, and my friends. My happiness would be affected by the way I decide to live my life. The changes I've decided to make allow me to live my life as a male, but still be the person I envision in my mind's eye. It's a compromise I can live with.

This life compromise I've worked out allows me to not be sad or bitter anymore. It's allowed me to put my focus back on taking care of my family and my wife. One of the reasons I married her to make her feel like she was the luckiest woman on the planet. I've re-dedicated myself to doing this again and it's great to pay so much more attention to her and not always be so focused on me and me TG'd self. We go out on dates again, I do my best to spend more time with her, and I take care of her the way I feel a wife takes care of her husband and she likes it. This road wasn't easy Julie. There were several times when we'd barely be able to speak with each other without arguing. She'd tell me all the time I should transition because she thought it's what I wanted and for two years I've been consistent about what I want and what I want doesn't include living my life as a woman.

Last night the woman who told me shaving my legs wouldn't be ok with her back in 2001 went to the store and got me some practical things to wear around the house. A PJ shirt, femme undies, and a spaghetti strapped top that I can wear. The compromising I've done has made my marriage stronger, me happier, and comfy in who I am. Doing all of this has a cascading effect and I'm starting to open up again and be more of the me I'd lost so many years back because I accepted I was different for life.

I think I understand the way your wife feels because of the things I've read about the way spouses feel about their TG'd husbands. I mean things like their husbands keeping a secret from them, because of the way they feel about being married to a woman, because they feel their husbands have changed and aren't the same person, the way they call our other side "another woman" and even their confusion about what gender dysphoria even is. From everything I've read about your wife I think she's freaggin' p'd at Julie. Julie has ruined her life, she thinks. If you are patient you can change her mind as I did with my wife. It just takes time to show this side of you isn't going to detract from your marriage, but augment it. To do that though you'll have to give up some to get more. I hope that made sense.

Sheesh Julie. I'm not sure if my words did anything. I don't think our situations are exactly the same, but I do think in time you'll be happier for what you're doing now, but only if you do allow yourself to do things you want to do as TG'd person. You're on a very long journey here and the trip only really began a little under a year ago in the open. I hope you continue on the TG'd journey and don't decide to go home and become angry or bitter. You can have the best of both worlds, but it will take compromise like others have done here on the forum. Two others that come to mind are Rikki and Sally. It will also take patience and love.

I know you can do it Julie. It will take time for you to accept your role in your family's life, but I think you're a great parent and spouse and you'll be ok. Please compromise, but don't stop allowing your TG'd self to grow. I hope you can work out with your wife a compromise that she feels she can accept. If she doesn't compromise immediately it's ok. Give her time and I believe, from everything you've told us about her, she will.

Beauty

I am very grateful for this thread, because it addresses some of the issues with which I am currently struggling.

In my male guise I am a husband, father of grown children, and work in one of the more aggressive, competitive professions. Besides having clients and colleagues at work, I am known and respected in my church and for my charitible work. So I have a lot invested in my male persona. However, throughout my life I have spent a tremendous amount of energy trying to be masculine and to hide and deny my TG feelings. Trying to be masculine filled me with negative thoughts about how I wasn't successful enough, competitive enough, or macho enough compared to other men. The more macho I tried to be, the more negative I felt.

About two years ago, a combination of factors precipitated an emotional crisis for me. Work became a struggle; I was anxious, conflicted, indecisive, and unable to focus my energy on getting things done. I began to crossdress fully, first in private, then going to TG support group meetings, and then doing female impersonation in a couple of amateur theatrical presentations. My wife knows and tolerates this, but wants nothing to do with it.

While I was enthralled by my feminine image as Maggie, I could not bring myself to accept the fact that this was me, and not simply a theatrical character I had created. I spent a lot of time and energy trying to convince myself (and others) that I was simply an actor who occasionally did female impersonation. It is only recently that I have begun to accept myself as a transgendered woman.

At the suggestion of my therapist, I began spending one day a week working at home, as a woman. I discovered that being a woman renewed my enthusiasm for work. My resistance and negativity disappeared. The energy I had wasted on trying to be "masculine" could now be channeled into being positive, creative, productive, and happy with myself. My marital relations have also improved tremendously.

On the first day I worked at home en femme, I took some pictures of myself as a woman - one of them while wearing a professional-looking skirt suit (see picture below) - and I have brought them to the office to remind me of who I really am. In my feminine mind-set, I am now happier, more relaxed, more productive, and more decisive at work than I have ever been. Although I don't try to act or look "feminine" while dressed as a man, I have vowed not to waste any energy trying to be "masculine" either.

While I need to express my female persona, I don't think I would like to be female all the time. I am unwilling to sacrifice my life as a man. As a compromise, I will continue to think of myself as a transgendered woman all the time, to crossdress once a week, go to TG meetings once a month, and perform theatrically as a woman whenever the opportunity arises. I will try this for a while and see how it works out.

Hey Girls,

Julie, from the wonderful advise and testimonies I've read here, I can only add that you have a few (okay, maybe many) difficult decisions ahead of you. Each of us has a different walk in life. We each deal with challenges in our own unique way. I've found what works for me and I'm happy. You will, in time, find your path. Define your goals, but be patient. The one constant we have is time.

Good luck with your decision. Keep us informed.
Hugs,
Kyra

Julie, I'm glad you decided to come here to talk about this. I have thought about you often in the time since you discovered that transition might be a path for you.

Today I'm on a tight schedule, but I want to say something in the moment. Seven years ago I made the decision to leave my last girlfriend, and that included leaving her two children behind, too. I mention it because it was one of those life-changing decisions that had to be made.

I was very unhappy during that time period, of course, because either decision meant hardship, and it was going to affect many people, not just me.

The statement, "I only want what is best for all concerned in this situation," is what got me through that time. I kept repeating it over and over, because otherwise my mind was just churning over all the pros and cons, and getting nowhere. Whatever your spiritual or religious beliefs, I think that anyone can agree with this statement in principle.

A month later, I woke up one morning and knew that I was going to go. I spent the entire day talking and saying good-bye to everyone, and then it was over. I cry as I write this, but I've never regretted the decision. It had to be made--I couldn't live in two worlds any more. I needed my life to be one path, whichever that one path turned out to be.

Right now you're experimenting with compromises, and that's important. Some of them may prove to be part of your path, and others will be temporary 'fixes" that make you or others feel better for a few weeks, and then quickly become unworkable.

You have to feel your way through them, and your family may accuse you of being unfair by going back on the ones that don't work. But at a time like this, it's natural to want to come up with solutions that will work, and sometimes you manipulate your feelings to fit these ideas.

My thoughts are with you!
Love,
Anita

Julie, believe it or not, I knew this post was coming, and wondered what to say when it did.

I don't think you can or should abandon the transistion. And certainly not supress Julie.

What you are considering will set you back a couple of months without changing what was going on then.

I believe that you should continue the course you've been following, but at a slower rate than you'd hoped. You can and should continue the hormones and the dressing as you are doing now.

Your wife wasn't happy before. She likes some of the changes you've gone through and doesn't want you returning to the old Jim. So abandoning what you've been doing won't help.

You know that you should have been born a female, and desire to have the body of a female. I think a slowed continued transition, sort of as outlined by Beauty may help you keep your mind on the ultimate goal.

Whether you make that final transition later in life can be decided then. In the meantime, you can judge how everyone is accepting this apparent "just crossdressing."

We can't predict how others are going to feel about us in the future. Heck, I can't predict how my wife is going to feel next week. She says she wants me to be happy, but when I do something to make me happy, she gets upset.

You're wading the river of ambivalence. With something as serious as transitioning, don't proceed until you get to the other side - there's just too much risk.

-Celia

Aww Julie!!

You've got what our little group calls a case of the doubts. You go from the first flush of enthusiasm of finally being you and admitting it all to yourself and others, to finally, really facing more than potential consequences. I've done this more than once over the last four years, facing it again right now as a matter of fact. My consequences are less than yours as I never married with all that implies, but my doubts turn on family that need me as I am nevertheless. It's not easy, but slowing down was the choice I made in November when my mother had a heart attack and her dementia got worse after the stint and anesthetic. I've talked it over with my therapist the last two sessions, and I am still not a happy camper. Her best advice, is go at your own pace. It may change due to circumstances beyond your control, but if it is your goal to transition, keep that goal before you as you do what you must.

I've tried the compromise route, over and over and over. It can work for awhile, but if you really and truly need to transition, it will not be enough in time.

I do expect to lose most of what I have, family, friends, etc., but once my mother no longer needs me, nothing will hold me back, and I will continue baby steps on this road with moderate doses of hormones. No matter what. I have to, or die for real like I have been doing on the inside most of my life. I still can't tell you why I live now. Overgrown sense of responsibility I guess, coupled with a dash of hope.

I tried to work out a link to the Beginning Life/New Beginnings board to the specific thread, but couldn't. It's long, but it might help if you haven't read it. Sorry it's so blamed long, but I find it helps to re-read it for a reality check now and again.

Ask Yourself, Why Are You Doing This ?
From: Karla
Remote User:
Date: 11-Nov-2004
Time: 12:46:29 PM


Comments
Ask Yourself..........

Why in the world...in a country like this one, especially one that just went as ballistic conservative as this one just did...would anyone want to carve off a piece of their body and have it rebuilt into something they are totally unfamilier with.

Male to Female ???

Really ???

Indeed...

Why ???

If your so 'hot to trot' to do this to yourself now...what stopped you several years ago ???

Why now ???

Here we are in the midst of a serious conservative cultural revolution where the church has just took over almost every aspect of our culture....and you want to buck the odds of getting yourself caught changing from M to F.

and....who knows what will happen to you after being found out.

Oh yes.....they'll all throw you out on your ear.

Say goodbye to that nice job that paid fairly well and kept your family secure....your now bad for the company image and now there is no government that will help you. No laws to protect you from discrimination...besides, why fight it? They'll just find something else they've got on you and fire you for 'any' reason other than the very reason why they ARE firing you, that being, you've just become a transexual and there is an unwritten rule, a 'no transexuals policy' in a lot of America's Company and Corporate practices and procedures.

There is all those 'faith based' charities you might get help from after all that long term unemployment but...once they find out you lost that good job because you decided you were not a man anymore and started a sex transition ( horror of horrors )....well....don't expect the church and 'faith based' charity to fall all over themselve's to render you any meaningful long term aid.....because as they see it....this is 'your' fault...not society and a little bad luck.

Say goodbye to your family. Your going to find out that after all this time...their love was 'conditional'.

You were loved as long as you brought the check home and/or deposited it in the bank for your family to draw off of. When the well of cash went dry because you decided you were not a man anymore. Well...all of a sudden you will see just how disgusting you have been all these years. You'll see the depths of their appreciation now become depreciation after you decided to change clothes and start your one year 'life test'.

For compensation to them you will now give up the house, the nice cars and stuff, the wife and kids, the honor and respect you got from co-workers and from within the church (your now a sinner that will burn in hell)....as it was conditional to have all these things and people in your life all this time, of course, as long as you kept your head screwed on straight and not going off the deep end.

In one fell swooooop...it all goes away with just one sentance spoken.

"I need to transition".

From than on......everything changes.

It's one thing to think it and keep it to yourself....but even in doing that...others will be sucpicious ( Hmmm, a little light in the loafers) ...especialy family members and eventually on the job too.

It's a totally differant set of circumstances and an expected end....just as soon as you open your mouth and say it...........

................"I need to transition".

Once you say it...that's it........everything changes.

People will take you at your word because once you actually out yourself to anyone and the whole wide world about something as outlandish as changing your sex......than....yup...."he's serious all right".....time to draw up papers and terminate this 'nut'.

When the spouse hears it...probably a woman....than...she'll be seeking the services of a lawyer after the outrage in the kitchen about what will happen to her and the kids and her reputation.

Are you ready for this ?

How could something like this be THAT important that your willing to lose your butt over it ?

The answer is.......When it has already been the single most important focus in your life since you matured from chidish abstract thought. When it is all you have ever known and thought of from childhood to adulthood. When you have tried every known remedy and prescription known to human kind and nothing worked.

Everything you tried to make a man of yourself....miserably failed.

Than...those days and night...looking at those male genitals and everytime you did.....they always, without excepetion....are the most disgusting appendages to your body that you could possibly imagine. Better you were stuck with a 'Roman Nose' and a 'Flat Butt' than those awful things hanging off of you just below your stomach between your legs....like some kind of tumor.

Those days and nights.....knowing that nobody understands or cares about how you feel about yourself.... deep down inside.

We're going through the motions and what our culture and society, created in God's image.....expects of us and we must carry on and carry through...or 'else'...be shunned and despised,destitute....hungry...homeless...forgottenand left to die alone in a cold, dark, dank place far from anything we knew and loved.

We'll risk it all....we'll give it all up....we'll do what we have to do to stop the turmoil in our minds and hearts.

Why will we do this ?...when we 'know' the cost will be way too high to pay.

We'll do it to keep from sticking a revolver in our mouth and squeezing the trigger....we want to live.

We'll do it because we found out that we no longer have to be controlled by the masses and some tyrant in clergy's robes deciding we are no longer fit for church membership...and we find that they are very likely not eithier.

We'll transtion when we no longer need permission to do it....we'll just do it because....we MUST.....we're out of alternatives.

We'll do it when we are wiling to do something entirely selfish.....probably the single most selfish act we have or will ever have committed in our entire lives.....now we're going to do something...in, by and for...just ourselves.

Transition.....nothing in life gets more personal than this.

Nothing costs more and is more exacting than this. On this hangs everything that we have been, what we are now and what we will be and become.

I promise you this. Nothing, absolutly nothing will take you for a wilder ride in life than something like this.

Transition....What does it mean to you ?...just you and nobody else.

Is this some kind of frivilous and half hearted pursuit of yours ?.....or does your whole world balance on the outcome of this effort ?

Do you realize what your doing ?

Have you given this more than just a week or two of serious consideration ?

Are you aware of a 'failed transition' and what that will do to you ?

Do you know about the certain sub-culture you will find yourself in and if you fail to give this effort your one hundred percent and undivided attention...because if there is ANYTHING that is holding more sway and your attention away from your 100% dedication to complete transition and success...than....expect failure and a higher risk for suicide.

We don't just go from M to F overnight. Forget it....forget it now because if that is what you have been thinking....don't even begin to try something like this. Your not ready for it. You have to be willing to dedicate whatever time it takes for however long it takes to get this done and...if it takes years....you'll gladly do so and being thankful that we live in an age where transition is possible.

Smart people weigh the cost, plan to earn the $ to pay the cost and than...pay up.

Most of you will lose everything you hold dear....you'll lose your shirt and even your name.

Only a very few of you will be able to keep some family with you but almost without exception you are going to be put to shame and hurt in an almost unbareable manner....expect it...it's coming....you are about to become familier with a broken heart.

That's just the way it is....it's life...it get's 'real' from here folks.

There's hope....yes.....even the middle of all this travail....there's hope.

You'd better believe theres hope because when all else fails...hope and faith is what is going to get you through this when nothing else and nobody else will.

Your going to have to reach down way deep inside and discover the core of your being because...you'll be shaken to the core if you don't.

You must be found to be a person of fortitude and determination...dedicated to the means that serve the ends.

Once begun....there is NO going back. This is the road you go...the one bridge you'll cross where there is a point of no return. You'll probably not even know when that waypoint is reached but a time will come when you will discover you passed the point of no return several miles ago. You have no other choice but to press on and finish this tremendous work.

Tremendous work it is. You'll do nothing as drastic and important as transition. Your best work that you have ever undertaken in your entire life will be conducted 'here'...it must be...there can be no exceptions.

Everything..."I MEAN IT"....everything changes.

Gone is 'male privilige'....flush it and forget it.

Gone are those drab clothes.....get you some clothes that match YOU, public and private and not like some gawdy hooker wearing cherry lipstick....get pass the stereotypes....get real.

Gone is that man's voice......forget just being able to get you a woman's voice...it doesn't change just like that....because you've been talking like a man all your life...until now. Not only does the pitch and tone have to change...even the way you phrase yourself.....it's gotta change and you are the only one that can make it happen.

You ready for this ?

Your going on hormones....your hair needs work....your face and body needs adjustments...like breasts.

Your about to go through the single and most diffiucult project...or mission...etc....in your entire life. Absolutly nothing you will have ever done will be more diffucult...especially starting out.

You'd 'better' be ready because there will be hell to pay if your not.

Your goal should be singular and dedicated to just ONE outcome.....if you've gotten everything else in your life wrong...DON'T get 'this' wrong.

You are to become a 100% woman...a full female in word, apperance, thought and deed.....no vestiages of 'what was'........that man's dead, honey or damn well ought to be.....bury him....and keep him buried.

A nice woman.....desireable and loving...careing and shareing...soft and pretty...feminine.

There are all kinds of women out there. There are no such things as one kind of woman fits all. NOPE.

Find out what kind of woman you are....what kind of lady you are.

Get acquainted with who you really are because from now on until you are dead.....THAT is who you are and from now on, be known as and remembered as.

From these beginnigs...life begins anew and the few of us that have suffured...paid our tolls....went the distance and became the people and the women we could only have dreamed of.

We gave it our ALL....and we gave up...ALL....so that in the end...we would gain ourselves...gain our clear minds and gain our loving and hope filled hearts.

We destined ourselves to become creatures of change.... like nature herself.....caterpillers that change into beautiful butterflies...each...in it's season.

We are become by way of the fires of trial and tribulation.....recreated...as the Phoenix....a beautiful and powerful being rising up off the desert floors of our old lives winging our way skywards...re-created anew and now meant for beauty, a beautiful life and beautiful things.....a new and beautiful mission and statement in life.

We will become all that we had hoped to be.

We find we had to give a little...to gain everything.

Are you SURE your ready for this ? The price is high...the consequences are dire and you WILL pay them.

Remember....your not alone.....others are around you going through the same things.

Theres other's of us here......we are completed works of women...several of us.

Some of us will help you in whatever way we can.

I'm post-op....I've a world of feeling and am become all that I had wanted and am reaching further....Par Excellance.

The work is never done....just differant definitions of it is all.

It took me years to answer my own questions as to why I would do something like this to myself....and now....I have those answers.

Blessings to you all.

Karla Dawn

Wow, what a great thread. I've nothing to add, except to note the value of forums like this one. Good luck Julie.

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you all!

There's no doubt this is the best forum on the Internet and the replies to my quandry have proven that again.

I have been hepled by each end every one of the replies here but I don't completely identify with any singular one. Not surprising, as we are all unique individuals living unique lives. Just the same, I have been able to extract something beneficial from every reply here.

Last night I was in a funk. I just couldn't shake the depression I was in thinking of how trapped I am feeling right now. I have moved my focus to trying to make peace with my wife and kids. That means not transitioning. I really thought I could do this for them, but when I think of never being able to live life as a woman, it depresses the hell out of me. There has never been a time when I didn't want this. Being male means nothing to me. I know how to do it but I could leave it at the drop of a hat and have no regrets.

I have been trying to find a way to feel some inner peace without disrupting the family again. It would have to be something they weren't affected by, only me. Then out of the clear blue I imagined having GRS. In all other respects I would be the same, only my genitalia would be changed. I immediately knew this would be enormously beneficial to my peace of mind. Since my wife and I are not physical there would be no change in our relationship. The only thing that might be noticible is the lack of a bulge in the crotch. I know I would be immensely happy to do just this at this point in time.

Now I realize this is probably not possible. Without the real life test you won't get the letters you need for any reputable surgeon to do the surgery. There is also the recovery time that would need to be addressed so I know this is practically impossible to pull off.

The reason I mention this though is to give you an indication of where I am in my life. I don't want to live as a male any longer. If there was a magic fairy who said I can change you permanently right now I wouldn't even hesitate. It's something I have felt all my life. I don't want to be a man in any way, shape or form.

When I look at taking things slowly, I find myself worried about my age. I will be 54 in April and if I take it at a pace that will increase the chances of my family eventually accepting this, I could be 60 or older before I am able to live full time. In my family, we live to our very early 70's at best, male or female. Besides, I don't want to start my life as an old lady. I don't feel old now. I feel like I'm in my 30's but I have noticed the effects of aging creep in even though I take pretty good care of myself. So I do feel some urgency here.

As you may have seen I have been all over the place with this. If I lived alone, with no family to consider, there would be no problem making the decision to transition. As far as work, I am in a union and they can't get rid of me for that. I would just need to find a place where it's more acceptable than where I am right now. But it's the family's feelings that create this waffling on my part. When I think of them I'm one way, when I think of my personal happiness, I'm another. It makes me happy when they are happy but then I have this transitioning tearing away at me that brings me down. I'm between a rock and a hard place.

I hear 'you're being selfish' and I hear 'you need to think of yourself before you can think of others'. I don't know which is right.

I missed my last therapy session because of work. I will have a lot to talk about the next time I see her.

Again, thanks to all the great ladies here. I will be re-reading this often.

Julie

As far as work, I am in a union and they can't get rid of me for that.

Don't count on it Julie, That may not be the reason they would give you, But I have heard (from union leadership) of it happening.

Love Darlene.