Crossdressers-Haven.com

I am a wife of a CD and I will tell you that wearing your wifes clothes is a big NONO, she will at some time notice her drawers have been invaded or you will put a run in her favorite stockings....
It will be much better for you both if you speak up rather then her catching you. Can you imagine the shock you would have both been in had yu been too busy and not noticed the car door, what a sight that would have been for her to see!!
If you cannot find the words to tell her then write her a letter, there are lots of support sites, including this one of course, for wives.
I hope you can have a very happy outcome with this.

I have known for a year now and I am very accepting, beleive me it is alot more fun to have someone to enjoy this with and less stress too.

Honey (SO)

Try reading this site :

http://www.3dcom.com/couples/telling.html

Image links are missing but the text is still there.

Some thoughts on how to tell your wife...

1. It is, of course, best to tell her early in the relationship. But even if it's no longer early, it's probably still best to tell her. Definitely better to tell her than for her to find out, by finding strange panties under the bed, for example. She's apt to assume not that they're yours, but that you're bringing some strange babe into HER bed! Not good!

2. Make sure your relationship is really good. By that I mean that you should both still feel in love with each other, the communication should be good, and you should be paying attention to her (listening to her, responding to her needs, taking her out regularly, etc.) This assures that you have a strong relationship, so that your relationship can absorb the shock of your news.

3. Stress that you love her, not the clothes, not seeing yourself in the clothes. Stress that often during telling her.

4. In my case, I found the bedroom was the right context in which to tell her. That is, that I wanted to try wearing a favorite (her fave as well as mine) piece of lingerie to bed with her during foreplay. In our case, it was pantyhose, but I think that panties, or a garter belt and stockings, or a corset could work just as well.

5. Be prepared for a avalanche of questions! Are you gay? Are you cheating on me or playing with yourself? Do you want to change sex? Why did you wait so long to tell me? The answers should be truthful and positive. If the truthful answer isn't positive--i.e. you really do want to change your sex, then you have a larger issue than mere crossdressing to discuss with her.

6. Be prepared to answer a lot of questions, to deal with tears, accusations, etc.

7. I encourage everyone to make the goal you hope for, participation. That means making your crossdressing fun for her as well as yourself. She may not want to participate in all aspects of it, especially in the beginning. That's ok. If she is willing to go shopping for panties for "Barbara" but not see "Barbara" yet, then go with her. Buy her a pair of sexy panties (maybe ones that match Barbara's?) and pay for both pair yourself. Take her to dinner to thank her, and pay for it out of your own spending money. See, you're making it a fun, positive experience. Bet she'll want to see how you look in those new panties pretty soon!

8. That first look is an important step. Agree on what you'll wear ahead of time, and stick to it. Less is probably better than more. Maybe just panties--no wig or makeup, no bra or dress. If she didn't pick out the panties for you, start with simple white cotton ones. They may not be your favorite, but they are the closest to men's underwear, so they won't be as much a shock.

9. If you do the first look fully dressed, please dress respectfully and conservatively. Dress like she does. If that means pants, it means pants. Try for a daytime makeup job, one that subtly brings out the good features and hides the bad, not one that screams "GREEN EYESHADOW" or "BRIGHT RED LIPSTICK!" Even if you find exaggerated makeup infinitely sexier and better looking, remember that this look is for her, not you. To sum that first look up in one word, it's respect . The reaction you want to hear is that you look a lot better as a woman than she expected.

10. She might be more willing to see a photo of you dressed, rather than the real thing. Discuss this with her. If so, take a picture just for her. Don't let her think that you have hundreds of pix already, some in compromising attire and activities, etc. Even if it's true. (giggle) Again, the word is respect .

11. If she is accepting, prepare for new rules that reflect her comfort zone. She may not want you going out. She may want to limit your dressing by frequency or duration. Try to live within the limits she wants. If you can't, be honest about it, and then get to the real issue behind her limit or objection. Perhaps you can meet her needs in the issue another way.

12. A good rule to follow--"Barbara" should never do anything that "Bob" wouldn't do. That means no fooling around sexually, no overspending, etc. If you're doing something like that now, stop it before telling her. If you can't stop, then your big issue to tell her isn't crossdressing, it's something else.

13. If she is willing to go out in public with you, hallelujah! Discuss carefully in advance where you're going to go. It should be someplace you will both feel comfortable and enjoy. Probably not someplace you regularly go together as a male+female couple. Remember that you will be in disguise, and people you know may not recognize you (but they might!). But they will recognize her. (And they'll wonder who her new friend is. And if you're not completely passable, they'll probably wonder WHAT her new friend is! Remember that people who recognize her will pay a lot more attention to you than they would if you were by yourself and a complete stranger.)

14. Have backup resources available--websites, booklets, and support groups both online and in the area. On the other hand, don't expect her to drop everything to bone up on your hobby. Give her time to read the booklets and websites. Suggest going to the support group together, etc.

15. If she wants to talk to a therapist together, go see a neutral therapist--not someone who knows just one of you professionally. That way, it won't be a case of "your" therapist or "hers." It will be "our" therapist. On the other hand, you want someone openminded. You don't want to go see Dr. Phil, for example!

16. If you want her to accept your strange hobby, make sure you accept hers. If "Barbara" needs her own closet, then your wife's comic book collection deserves a bookshelf of its own. And yes, it's fair to gently point out that you accept her hobby.

17. Before you told her, life didn't revolve around crossdressing; don't expect it to afterwards. Raising the children is going to take priority over buying "Barbara" that leopard miniskirt. The point here is that your wife needs the stability of knowing that crossdressing isn't a major change to your life together, only a small one. Give her that reassurance in tangible ways.

18. Finally, I have to weigh in on the side of those who say "don't borrow her clothes without asking." Laundry raiding is for teenagers. You're an adult. You have spending money and probably storage space. Get your own clothes!

19. On the other hand, sharing things consentually can be unbelievably sexy, but that's another topic.

I can say that life goes on after telling family and friends, and that it only gets better when you can live as your whole self, and not just part. I can't guarantee that you or anyone else will have this outcome, but at least I know it can be done. And not because everyone already suspected--I shocked a lot of people at first.

I also know that having this secret is a tension that you carry with you all the time, and you would be surprised at just how much tension it really is.
You don't realize it until you're no longer having to "keep it in." Because yes, it does take active energy to hold in a secret--it's not a passive thing. Anyone over the age of 35 needs that energy for other things. As a gal of 50 (at the time), I KNEW I didn't want to lock up that much energy to keep the secret.

I think the advice provided above is perfect. I can't really add anything. There are some really good threads in the SO area with how women felt when they were told that may help too.

I can say that the relief of telling her and not hiding it will be a huge weight off of your shoulders. Telling her, you're right, could cost you your marriage. So don't take this decision lightly. In the end only you know what's right.

Beauty

Hi everyone,

This was a great thread and we have a lot of members who haven't been around here for 6 months and may have missed it.

I thought it was a great topic with some excellent advice, so I decided to pull it on up.

Beauty

I truly hope that your desire to crossdress and the fact that you couldn´t tell her aren´t the only reasons for your decision. Are you absolutely sure about her possible reactions or is it possible that you are only making excuses because you didn´t find the courage to tell her?
Or is it possible that because you haven´t been able to dress on a regular basis, your behavior changes and the stress and tension affects your relationship?

Joanna

In addition to the good suggestions by Rikki and others I would just offer one more thing. Have you seen a counselor about this? That's something you might consider. For one thing, it might give you some insights about why you CD. Second, you could talk with the counselor about how to discuss this with your wife. Third, if your wife does find out before you're ready to discuss it, the fact that you've seen a counselor might help demonstrate that you really are trying to come to terms with CDing in an honest and unselfish way.

Said another way, seeking counseling might be an active, proactive measure you can take for the sake of your relationship.

Cathy