Merinda about to self -destruct

[Merinda]

Well thats it , the great night out that I've been waiting for all week has Now passed as I post .
I dressed and drove to the meeting place and sat in a frozen position in my car for 1/2 hour outside the premisses , I then drove around the block and returned only to be in a frozen position again for a further 15 minutes before driving home depressed and mentally confused.
I have been in public before as you all know but never encountered anything as negative as I felt tonight , at the moment I could trash everything and give it away for good .
obviously the 3+ month break didn't do me any good , I thought this was going to be a year that rated only slightly less than 2004 but it looks like I will now return to the closet if I in fact continue at all.

In all the time ( years of CDing ) I am now at rock bottom and dont know where to go from here , I had my yearly photosessions worked out for this year I was tempted with an opportunity to advance myself but instead the dream is probably destroyed .

Well girls you've seen my finest moments on this forum , tonight is the lowest as I crawl backwards to a life of closet Cding or give it away alltogether.

The only problem with giving it up completly is removing part of myself and that I cannot do.

Misery guts Merinda.

[Beauty]

Good morning baby doll,

((hug))

I so understand what you feel like Merinda. You and I are a lot alike. In my post to you about this whole event I purposefully put in my post (even if you change your mind) wording. I did this not because I thought you weren't going to go, but because if it were me I could see myself doing exactly what you did. I would most likely feel just as confused as you are too.

I will say I have accepted this about myself, but that doesn't mean I plan on accepting it forever. I will get out of the car and not drive around the block one day, but I'm not at that day yet. I've had laser hair removal, but refuse to go out and about? lol.. I'm such a moron, I feel, but at the same time I accept that I'm just not ready.

Not being ready isn't going to put me into the closet or send me backwards it just means I've grown as much as I can and only time can help me grow more. I believe we all develop different ways and this "going out" thing seems to be something that I've done before as no big deal, but other times I'm frozen and won't go anywhere.

I hope you don't feel alone now and I hope you don't feel as if you have to go back in to a closet. I'm not in a closet, but I'm not an out and about dresser yet either. Because I know the desire is there, one day I will be, but not today.

You are great Merinda!!!! This episode that happened had to and if or when you do go, you'll appreciate it all the more. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your openess and honesty. You've totally made me feel less alone.

Beauty

[DonnaT]

Merinda

I see that this episode has you confused about whether to continue CDing or not. You know good and well you can't quit. You might stop for a period, but you will have the desire or urge to dress again.

So Do Not Purge!

Get's rather expensive trying to replace outfits. Also, you'll find that your favorite outfit can't be replaced. Then you'll be wishing you hadn't purged.

As for going out. You just need to build up your self confidence.

You've been out before, as your pictures have shown, so what was different this time?

Meeting other people? People just like you? One or two of which may have gone through what you are going through?

Could you indulge me here and answer these questions? What is the "personal boundry" you set for yourself? Why did you set it? Why were you trying to go past it?

What was the biggest thing you have overcome so far with your CDing? For me it was telling my wife. Everything else pales in comparison.

The next chance to get out is on Feb 13th, but I'm not even going try to talk you into trying again. You'll know when you are ready. There will be more chances later. Just stay in contact with whomever invited you out.

Just think, maybe in another 20 years or so, you'll finally go out. Of course, the clothes you have now may not be appropriate then. You'll have to dress older. Most of the TGirls at the party will probably be younger than you. So it my be a little harder to make new friends.

Why did I just say that? Because I am 49 and the first time I got out to a TG party was last year. Most of the girls were a lot younger than me. Luckily, I knew SharonRose was going to be there and a few other girls I had corresponded with on the Internet. So I gathered my confidence and went.

I know a girl in the UK that finally went out this month. She had some of the same worries as you. But a couple of people she knew went with her. She might have backed out had she been alone. So, maybe whomever invited you out could go with you. Or, if your daughter is old enough, she'd like to go. Would be a good experience for both of you.

And one of her new friends? Miss TV Scotland 2004, Alex T-girl. Talk about pressure of fitting in!



Well, I reckon I rambelled on a bit, but the point is not to give up, but instead to keep on trying. You'll never know if going out is right for you until you try. Just take your time and don't purge.

[CJ]

Hi all,

Merinda,

Don't despair. You'll only be able to really see what your finest moments have been at the very end of your journey here. The trajectory of our lives is never a straight line up (nor a straight line down, for that matter); we often reach what may look like a plateau (or a series of successive plateaus) at which we remain stable for a while. In the same vein, the itinerary of our lives is never a smooth voyage from A to B. Part of the wonder of our lives is that we're given these opportunities (sometimes very much against our own will) to go off on tangents, to explore off-track backroads, to idle for a while, or even to back up a bit (maybe because we think we lost or forgot something back there). All of this never means that you'll never be going forward again, towards whatever destination you had in mind when you set out.

Be patient with yourself. Be loving towards who you are--towards all of the facets of who you are. I'm sure the world itself has yet to see the best of Merinda!

In the meantime, please take this from us:

Love,
CJ

[Anita]

Hi Merinda--
I went back over the thread twice, and I can't find who said it, but going with others is a good insulation against the kind of fear wave you experienced.
They are a constant reminder that not only are you going to go forward, but they're not far away at any time.

But it's chicken and egg, isn't it? You're going out to meet new people, but you don't necessarily know them NOW. The person who told you about this in the first place may not be someone you feel comfortable about asking to go with you.

It may feel like a long detour, Merinda, but getting to know some other TG girls may be the next step. That may mean going to a support group in drab (as I did the first few times), or even changing into femme mode at the meeting.

The fact that you've already been out under other circumstances says to me that you will find a way to do this.

[Celia]

Relax, Merinda. This isn't a timed test.

-Celia

[Amelie-Laveau]

Merinda, you are too inteligent of a person to self destruct and thrash everything. You need some thought on what is best for you. Do you really have to go out. Is it the desire to dress or the desire to go out dressed that is what you need to do. I have similar feelings, I feel I have to go out when I dress, it is not enough to stay home. And when I can't go out I get in the same self-destructive mood. I want to toss everything out, but I take time to think things through, and calm my initial emotions. Then I can think clearer, and begin afresh.

I have had a similar incident to you. I had just got a junker car and one of my friends asked me to go to a club out in the suburbs. The club was a normal type "New Wave" type club, which was mostly frquented by red-neck type and Guidos. When I got to the club, I just sat in the car for an hour, terrified of the people I saw going into the club. There were too many tough men going into the club for my liking. I just sat there frozen, I couldn't even drive away, because of my fear. I have gone to that club another time later, this time I went with friends. This took the pressure off. I had people stare at me, but all in all I didn't have a bad time of it. Now, mind you, this was a red-neck type club, you should have no problems in the club you described. Except someone might get jealous of your pretty looks, T-girls can get jealous of other beautiful T-girls.
You have more chances ahead of you, just try to relax and be yourself.
Love Amelie

[Loretta Ann]

Merinda,

Our sisters have provided good advice here. I would just like to say don't beat your self up over this, it is part of who you are, we are indeed complex creatures, and one of the most difficult things may well be understanding and accepting who we are. Life is a journey hon it has it's ups and downs, and I just want to be one of those who supports you through this rough spot in your live.

Love Darlene.

This just arrived in my inbox it might help?

What's Left to Say?
============

A year ago I quit drinking after 10 years; the past year has
been terrible. My 11-year old's behavior is terrible, and now
he's involved with the juvenile system.

My relationship is falling apart, I'm pregnant, and I will be
losing my home in about 6 days.

I also need strength for all this. I am depressed and feel like
drinking again. I feel like I'm losing my life in a matter of
days! I'm almost to the point of just giving up.
-----------------------------------------------

What's left to say when your world appears to be crumbling?

Indeed, what's left?

What's left?

Yes, there is a lot wrong.
Yes, a whole lot of things could be better.
Yes, it looks bad.
So what's left for me to say?

What's left?

I am asking you the question – "What's left?"

Huh?

What's left?

Can you see this? See what? Can you see this email?

Well, yes.

Then your eyes are left.

Your computer is left, your hands are left, your clarity of mind
is left, your ability to keep going is left, your chance to
smile is left, your breath is left, your ability to sit without
hemorrhoids bothering you is left, your ability to walk is left,
your potential for new life is left, your option to choose is
left, and the people praying for you are left.

What's left?

That's a good question. Ask yourself the question.
When you stop to count it all, you will find that what's left is
far more than what's missing.

What's left indeed?

[Stef]

BIG HUGS Merinda!!

Please do not despair over what happened. You are not the first nor will you be the last to have these feelings. I have accompanied more than a few girls on their first time out who had the same feelings you did. (To be honest, I had to literally push Cami out of the elevator) It's natural, I know I had them on my first time out. I agree with the others that recommended having a friend with you to help overcome the fears. I wish I lived close by so that I could help. Just keep your chin up sis and maybe next time try and see if someone from the group would agree to meet you in the parking lot at a designated time so that you won't have to walk in alone. You have made it too far sis to turn back now!!!

HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stef

[Merinda]

Thank you so much for your understanding and support girls , thats what really makes this place great.

My hand was on the destruct button last night but the fail-safe devices activated and provided me with a cushioned auto-stop at free-fall.
I will not purge anything nor will I be giving up , but I have gone more that just a few steps backwards and its going to take some effort to get back to where I was.

I still have my photosessions planned but I might have to do them at home instead of going out , I'll take it as it comes .

Donna wanted to know why this was different to my previous outings , OK probably because-

I was not fully in control of this one

I didn't have my daughter with me as security ( I was alone )

I was on show to other people in reallity ( not just a photo image ) ,
on stage may be a better description , during a photoshoot I can choose the distance between myself and others.

Yosimite Sam pulled up in his car behind me and I didn't like the look of this dude so I was forced to remain seated while he stuffed around with his car for 5 minutes before finally moving on.

I was dressed smartly , normally I dress casuall

Here is the worst one...
I didn't feel FEM at all while sitting there , I couldn't understand why I was sitting in my car in womens clothing and thats not a good thought , not good at all.

anyway thanks once again for your support girls and I will remain eventhough I have gone backwards.

I love you all

[Loretta Ann]

I will remain eventhough I have gone backwards.

Merinda,

Some thoughts for you to ponder.

Are you sure it is backwards hon?

Are you sure you were not where you should not have been for you?

Are you sure you have not been trying to be what you think others expect you be?

Are you sure you have been following your tender little heart dear?

I didn't feel FEM at all while sitting there , I couldn't understand why I was sitting in my car in women's clothing and that's not a good thought , not good at all.

That statement may be speaking volumes. Perhaps you are just a little off course?

Are you sure your goals are in line with who you were created to be?

Can one be comfortable without their own approval?

Love Darlene.

[RikkiOfLA]

Dear Merinda,

A couple of weeks ago, you sent me something very touching in response to a post. Now it's my turn to send you the very same signal.



You go, girl!

I've been where you were last night, and so have most of the other girls here. We've been afraid of what people might think, afraid to get out of the car, afraid we're not pretty enough, passable enough, young enough, etc. etc.

Crossdressing is not a competitive sport, hon. Each of us can only do the best we can. And yes, that means sometimes being afraid and sitting in the car. And that's ok.

Right now, I"m so proud to be a crossdresser that I'm bawling like a sentimental little girl! Because there's two things that almost every single one of us have for each other. They're in my signature line. Yeah, love and respect!

What you did last night took a lot of guts. And don't you forget it. There will be other chances to get out and meet people when you're ready. I wish I could be there with you next time, and with Beauty too. I'll be there in spirit, because you're my sister. It's that simple hon.

I'm proud to be your friend!!!!

[Elizabeth]

Hi Merinda,

I agree with so much of what my sisters here have said that I won't repeat it. But I would like to remind you that "your" crossdressing is whatever you want it to be. If you don't feel comfortable around others, that is not going backwards. If you don't feel comfortable in clothes that are more feminine than your normal school girl attire, that is not going backwards.

It sounds like growth to me. It sounds like Merinda finding out her comfort zones. Perhaps you will never feel comfortable going out with others. Perhaps you will only feel comfortable being out with someone you really trust and feel safe with, like your daughter.

I go out everyday fully dressed. And sometimes I surpass my comfort level, and I have to do something else. A few days ago I was going to get my son from work, it was around 10:00 PM. And near my car in the parking lot was a group of young men just standing around talking. I felt very vulnerable. I was in a position where they could have harrassed me or beaten me up, and no one would have even seen. The situation was beyond my control. But I had to go get my son. So I went, heels clicking across the parking lot the whole way. And they never even gave me a glance.

We all face our own demons in our own way. I see what you did as acting in your own best interest and comfort level, and encourage you to continue to do that in the furture. Do what makes Merinda comfortable, not act on the expectations of others. I think you are moving forward sister, not backwards.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Anita]

Hi Merinda--
You said you didn't feel femme, sitting there. That puts a different light on it, for me. Yeah, the fear of getting out of the car comes up for all of us at some time, but it's not so hard to overcome if you have the motivation of the girl self going for you. If she's not "there," it's very hard to feel good about what you're doing. I understand your feelings better after reading that.

I have had nights where all I saw in the mirror was a guy in a dress. No transformation at all. Sometimes I had to change outfits several times to get "her" to make an appearance. Other times I just had to accept that I didn't look very good to myself, but I had to get on with whatever I'd planned to do.

I grew my hair long enough that I didn't have to have wigs anymore. That was hard to handle at first, because my wig used to be the final step in getting "the girl" inside to come out. Gradually I felt OK with seeing more of the real "me" in the mirror.

The woman in me has also become more part of my male self. Lighter voice and more hand movement when talking. Only you know if you'll ever be comfortable with this happening, but for me it made dressing easier. It is not longer such a big jump between feeling male and feeling female.

Dressing flashier than you're used to can be real scary. Don't go past your comfort zone on this one--you can work into it gradually.

[Merinda]

I'll say again , you girls are fantastic and I was touched to see that "home signal at proceed" thrown back at me , thanks Rikki.

Now 24 hours on I have floated back up considerably , I no longer have the feeling of failure rather I feel last night taught me a valuable lesson.
I went out dressed in clothing that was just not me , I think I looked good in that black dress but its not me , its not who I am.
Trying to look like a society approved girl going out to dinner rather than being myself.
Funny thing is I have the same problem be it Merinda or Neil.

I have appologised to the girl who organized last nights outing and she's been sympathetic , understanding and thats really great.
I will pay this lady a visit when I'm on holidays in a week and try and work something out for the future.

I think Anita's idea about going to the first meeting en-drab or dressing when you get there is a possability.

Merinda is comming back to full power , all your support has played a part in picking me up at a quick rate .

You should feel proud of yourselves , I'm proud of all of you.