You must accept yourself first!

[Julie M.]

Thursday my wife and I had a great heart to heart talk. Maybe its the meds, maybe I am just becoming a better listener, but I finally heard what she's said so many times. She's okay with me being TG. That doesn't mean she wants to stay married but she's not upset or repulsed or uncomfortable when I am dressed.

What I finally realized is I have been projecting my own inhibitions on her and everyone around me. I grew up hearing "What will the neighbors think?" and it stuck. Now I realize I just need to be okay with me if I expect everyone else to be okay with me.

It's not that I haven't heard this countless times. But this time I finally realized I wasn't okay with myself. I wanted approval from those around me to be okay and I am not going to get it.

So I decided to just be me. This past weekend I dressed as I felt most comfortable. I had nails on all weekend. I wore whatever jewelry was appropriate. I was just being me. Granted, I'm sure I looked androgynous at times but that's what I am.

Now the weekend has ended and I have never felt so at peace with myself. It will be interesting how this pans out over time.

[Elizabeth]

Hi Julie,

I remember making the decision to stop caring what anyone thought and dress how I wanted. It was my 21 year old daughter who said " I think you should dress how you want", that started it for me.

What I found out was that once acceptance was no longer important to me, everyone accepted me. It is like everyone seen that I was dressed in women's clothes and said "he obviously don't care what anyone thinks, or he would not be dressed that way", and they knew they were not going to influence me, so they either accepted me or ignored me. I can't tell you which because I did not care enough to find out.

To be honest a lot of the time I forget how I am dressed. I am just me now. When I see my exwife I am always dressed. She acts as if she does not even notice, because it would not do any good even if she did say something about how I was dressed or if she were to act displeased.

I guess the bottom line for me is, I really honestly don't care what anyone thinks about how I am dressed. I beleive a combination of happiness about dressing as a woman, and the confidence of not caring if anyone is upset about it, makes me come off a person that is happy and confident. Our society values those traits.

Perhaps this is the reason I feel like I am treated so much better as a woman, than I ever was as a man. Because as a man I was not happy or confident. I never thought I was attractive as a man, and I certainly was not happy about living a repressed life.

I am not sure if any of this helps any. It has been my experience that each of our experience is so different it is really difficult to know what might or might not work for anyone. Julie, I know these are troubling times, I have and continue to struggle myself, but I know you are a strong person and have a lot of resiliantcy. I know things are going to be ok for you. I know the feeling of the huge ups, and the huge downs.

Hang in there sister, I love you.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Cathy L. Anderson]

What I finally realized is I have been projecting my own inhibitions on her and everyone around me. I grew up hearing "What will the neighbors think?" and it stuck. Now I realize I just need to be okay with me if I expect everyone else to be okay with me.

Julie, that is an excellent insight.

It's not that I haven't heard this countless times. But this time I finally realized I wasn't okay with myself. I wanted approval from those around me to be okay and I am not going to get it.

Why is it that this is so often how it works--we hear something over and over but it doesn't register until perhaps we are ready?

So I decided to just be me.

That can at least mean two things: 1. to be your inner woman; 2. to be a person who has both a male and a female sides, and needs to shift the balance from one to the other periodically.

Cathy

[RikkiOfLA]

Cathy, I really like your point about balance (between the male and female sides of our psyche). That applies to me very well.

I've really never felt like a woman trapped in a man's body. How can I? I have no memories of being a little girl. I don't remember my first period, or my prom dress, or for that matter my wedding dress. I can say (with complete irony, but no sarcasm) that I must have blocked those memories. But I know the truth--those memories were never there to block.

What I really identified with most as a child, were people who rejected or violated gender stereotypes. Assertive women, men with a well-developed feminine streak, storybook elves in their slender bodies, wearing tights.

It doesn't bother me any more to be read (politely, not rudely of course). I smile back. After all, someone has paid me the compliment of seeing beyond the stereotypes and looked in the eyes of the real me.

This weekend, two of my TS friends called me a TS. I am flattered because they assimilated me into their self-identity. One who recently met me even told a mutual friend that she assumed I was post-op. In the TS community that is high praise indeed! For my part, I have simply told them the truth. I have not lied to them or pretended to be a TS. The post-op label probably came from the fact that I am comfortable with being myself, and I project that comfort. One of the ways I show that comfort is that I care about other people. My life doesn't revolve around myself or my transition anymore. I have arrived at the place of comfort and moved on. My life now centers on my family, my work, and my friends.

The drawback is that I have to remind myself to take care of myself. But I'm getting better at that. Yesterday, after conducting church and preaching, I was emotionally tired. A bunch of us went to lunch. During lunch I noticed the start of a headache. I took something for it, and then withdrew from the conversation to focus on healing my headache by rubbing my temples, by lowering my stress levels, by relaxing my muscles. It worked. After lunch, I was able to drive one of the people home and talk with her on the way home.

[Beauty]

Hi Julie,

That's really great that you had this epiphany! I'm happy and proud of you. This hasn't been any easy ride and I think it's great that you are taking things is stride. You may stop for a moment, but eventually you keep walking down the path of a happy life.

What everyone has said above is wisdom at it's best.

I'm not sure how often you get here, but I have a question. Are you two going to stay together? Are you both talking about a time period when you're going to leave?

Again sweetie I think you're wonderful and are doing a great job managing this whole thing. To be honest, it's not really manageable so the fact that you are doing it is a testament to how strong, smart, loving, open and honest you are.

As you can see there are lots of Julie fans here. Including me!


Beauty

[Julie M.]

When I was at therapy yesterday I mentioned two incidents at work where one guy on the job made comments that hinted at me appearing feminine. Each time I just carried on, unaffected by his comments. This was new to me. I usually worry myself sick about what others think of me.

Later there was a situation where he needed some information regarding the length of the job. It isn't unusual for supervision to avoid answering questions like this for fear of affecting the worker's attitude (especially when the job will require layoffs). I was open and honest with him. I showed him schedules and told him my best guess as to how long the job will last. Afterwards, as he was leaving the room, he said, "Thank you for being honest. Really, I appreciate it." Since then he has shown me nothing but respect.

Before I would have done things to try to prove I wasn't gay or feminine or TG, etc. It always left me uneasy because deep down I knew I wasn't comfortable with myself. For some reason, that no longer exists. Something clicked and now is part of me. I'm oaky with who I am and I have to thank my wife for helping me with that.

I read in Steve Hagen's book "Buddhism, Plain & Simple" that we all have 83 problems we have no control over. Death, getting old, getting sick, etc. are some of them. But they are always with us. We may work to rid ourselves of one or two but others will crop up to take their place. What we need to work on is getting rid of our 84th problem, wanting to have no problems.

I just started reading it tonight and I think I'm going to get a lot out of it. Now I need to get rid of my 84th problem so I can get on with life.

And Beauty, to answer your question, no we aren't staying together. And we are both okay with that. But we will always be the best of friends.

[Carolynn]

Hello Chrysalis!

It sounds like you are well on your way to becoming the beautiful butterfly! It isn't the physical changes that are important, it's the changes in attitude, emotional expression, and acceptance you will attain. Hormones help by lessening the anxiety of the body/mind conflict, and allows the more complete person to come out. My therapist, who isn't big on labels, nevertheless calls this transsexing, and it's a wonderful journey that should continue for some time, even past your physical transition. Congratulations!!

Love,
Carolynn

[Elizabeth]

Julie,

I am so happy to see your personal growth and I can't tell you how much Iappreciate you sharing it with us. I feel so connected to you, and what you are going through, even though you are on a different path then me. I have considered what you said about not caring though, when I do go back to work. Although I will never be an electrician forman again, or electrician, I am considering estimating or possibly even project management, although that is somewhat stressful, compared to estimating. Stress is a major trigger in my illness, so doing your job again would be impossible.

I think in all of this I have forgot just how stressful your job is, on top of the other things you are going through right now. Everything needing to be done yesterday. Finish one only to start another one. Never is there a relaxed schedule. I am sure that not having to worry about how you look is a great stress relieiver considering the whole environment you are in.

In a way I am living vicariously from you. And it really helps me in my personal growth, hearing about yours. Thanks again, and good luck sister. You are doing great.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[DonnaT]

Julie, it does sound as though you are happier with yourself now. I guess Jim is receding?

Like I mentioned in Elizabeth's thread, I reckon you not only have to accept yourself, but also be happy with yourself.