Heightened emotional state.

Elizabeth · Post by **Elizabeth** » Sat Jan 29, 2005 4:54 am

Hi girls,

I have noticed that since I came out of the closet that my emotions have totally changed. It seems my negative emotions like anger and disgust have lessened. It takes a lot to get me angry now, and my tolerance level has risen dramatically about what behaviors of others disgusts me.

At the same time, I have noticed that my positive emotions have increased. I feel happier much more of the time. Previously, the only time I had been moved to tears with feelings of happiness were when my children were born. Now I have been moved to tears many times with overwhelming feelings of love and happiness. Movies I have seen many times before with no particular effect, now bring me to tears.

I have noticed that I also feel very emotional now when I hear of others pain. Emotional or physical. I have found myself crying after reading posts here. And actually feeling the tension in my own body build as this previously hidden emotion emerges in me now.

It seems that when Elizabeth emerged, so did my emotions. And just as I feel no shame wearing female clothing, I also now feel no shame in experencing my entire emotions now. But it was not like I put on a dress and became emotional overnight. It seems that it building. And because I now make no effort to repress it, I am now feeling things I have never felt before.

In my previous life, before I came out of the closet, being introverted and not a particularly popular person, I was made of steel. No one could hurt me, or make me cry. I had a shield. I did not allow myself to feel anything. I always felt inferior, and that everyone was better than me. I made up for this by being aggressive, abrasive, and having an attitude of not caring if I hurt other people's feelings. I was know for being "brutally honest". I was known as a person who could make decisions without regard to emotions. Without regard to others feelings. Just what was best, without considering how it would affect anyone or anything other than the stated goal.

I am sure at some point this will plateau, but right now it seems to just keep intensifying. At first it was kinda scary, like perhaps I was changing in ways that I would not like. But now I feel more comfortable with it, and would not go back to the way I was before. And even though I cry more, I also smile a lot more. I rarely get angry, and when I do it is appropriate anger, and passes quickly.

I wonder if my other sisters out there have similar experiences, or perhaps can tell me what else to expect? All comments and experiences welcome.

Love always,
Elizabeth

Claire D · Post by **Claire D** » Sat Jan 29, 2005 7:43 am

Yes Elizabeth, I was basicaly the same way. While I was closeted and could only secretly dress. I had a huge shield, nothing hurt me. Now that I am known my feelings get hurt a lot.

Hugs and Kisses, Claire

Post by **DonnaT** » Sat Jan 29, 2005 8:25 am

I too am now easily moved to tears when happy or saddened. I consider it to be the merging of my anima.

Gelinda · Post by **Gelinda** » Sat Jan 29, 2005 11:19 pm

Ok I will play dumb what is amina.

Elizabeth: I seem to be going in the reverse. I have a super temper but it is not getting any easier except when I am on my med's Paxel. That helps I can only hope that when I do find my inner peace and self confidence tht has ran away from me, I will be on that same road. Gee.

Post by **DonnaT** » Sun Jan 30, 2005 6:00 am

Here's a web page to explain Gelinda.

http://ourworld.compuserve.com/homepage ... /anima.htm

Carolynn · Post by **Carolynn** » Sun Jan 30, 2005 7:41 pm

Yes Elizabeth, I know exactly what you mean.

I guess that was one way I knew that the wall was breaking down, when empathic emotions that I previously kept buried below the surface began coming to the fore. I would sometimes cry alone, but never where others could know, since then I felt vulnerable. Since I was still trying to be the person with the strong shell, that everything just rolled off of, and keep my secret and my struggle from everyone, it was disturbing when it began breaking through. It's OK now. My therapist, bless her heart, says I have a lot of empathy, but if she had known me as I projected in 1969, she would have thought I was a hard hearted one!

I do feel better and happier now, and she says that after a couple of months on hormones, I will feel even better. That too will be nice.

Love, Carolynn

Virginia · Post by **Virginia** » Sun Jan 30, 2005 8:10 pm

Way to go Donna!!!!!
Yes Gee you need to read Jung's Anima Theory it is quite insightful, however in difference to Ahzz it is NOT the "be all end all."Only one starting point in an exciting journey!
Virginia

Virginia · Post by **Virginia** » Sun Jan 30, 2005 8:21 pm

I did want to say something about Elizabeth's post, too. They say that one of the reasons that GG's out live us is they don't hold in their emotions and crying is their major release. If that is true then Virginia may live long past 100 because she can sure cry at like Elizabeth said anything anymore - it is wonderful and yes I know I can feel a positive effect to release emotions this way.
Love,
Virginia

Maggie · Post by **Maggie** » Mon Jan 31, 2005 2:19 pm

I have been experiencing a somewhat analogous situation. While in my male persona, my mind is constantly clogged with obsessive, negative thoughts - including broodings about the American political scene, my work, myself, etc. I feel crushed by the weight of this, and haven't been able to stop it. I go around with a scowl on my face, my body feels tense and constricted, I can't focus on my work, and I feel miserable for no objective reason.

However, when I transform myself into my female persona, all the negativity, obsessiveness, and mental blocks suddenly disappear. I suddenly feel euphoric. A wellspring of positive energy opens. I am smiling and pleasant. My mind is clear, the mental blocks are gone, and I can work happily and productively without interference. When I look in the mirror, I am convinced that this is the true me, and I can barely remember what my male persona even looked like.

I hate having to change back. When I scrub off my feminine makeup, I see my scowling male face in the mirror, and all the negative thoughts and feelings come crushing down on me again. I am getting concerned about the intensity of my negative feelings as a man. Since I am not willing to commit myself to living as a transwoman, regardless of how good it feels, I must some find a way to cope as a man.

Violet · Post by **Violet** » Mon Jan 31, 2005 2:52 pm

Hm. I'm not sure I've experienced quite the 'release' some of you have, but then I've never been Iron John of the Mountains anyhow, I like to think I have a fair mix of 'masculine' and 'feminine' traits (heavy editorial quotes, I'm sure most of you know my idelology on that particular subject). I'm working now both on knowing and experiencing my emotional self, and reducing my social anxiety and becoming more self-assertive and participatory. I cry myself to sleep on a fairly regular basis. That probably isn't 'good crying'. I will say though, that since I started CDing, I have not once wished I was dead. Which is a big change and a big relief.

Elizabeth · Post by **Elizabeth** » Mon Jan 31, 2005 6:42 pm

Hi girls,

I would like to thank all of you for your replies. It appears that what I am experiencing it quite common among our peer group. It is comforting to know. I am not sure why. I guess for the same reasons I come here to begin with, not to feel alone and to know there are others like me.

Gelinda wrote:

Elizabeth: I seem to be going in the reverse. I have a super temper but it is not getting any easier except when I am on my med's Paxel. That helps I can only hope that when I do find my inner peace and self confidence tht has ran away from me, I will be on that same road. Gee.

Gee, I had a lot of anger to deal with too. And prozac worked for a while. But eventually even that stopped working. I wrote a post about my anger.

http://crossdressers-forum.com/forums/v ... ght=#44018

In the end, I was angry about the fact that I was not living my life the way I really wanted to.

Carolynn wrote:

I would sometimes cry alone, but never where others could know, since then I felt vulnerable. Since I was still trying to be the person with the strong shell, that everything just rolled off of, and keep my secret and my struggle from everyone, it was disturbing when it began breaking through.

Carolynn, I can so relate to that. That is almost exactly what happened to me. My therapist was not savvy enough to figure it out. She was really inexperienced in matters of gender itdentity.

Virginia wrote:

it is wonderful and yes I know I can feel a positive effect to release emotions this way.

Virginia, If I would have known before how much this takes stress out of my life, I would have done it years before. I feel so much better now.

Maggie wrote:

I have been experiencing a somewhat analogous situation. While in my male persona, my mind is constantly clogged with obsessive, negative thoughts - including broodings about the American political scene, my work, myself, etc. I feel crushed by the weight of this, and haven't been able to stop it. I go around with a scowl on my face, my body feels tense and constricted, I can't focus on my work, and I feel miserable for no objective reason.

Maggie, That sounds like something I could have written. Since you do not desire or can not physically work out a way to be a full time dresser, I suggest you get some counseling. It may really help.

Violet wrote:

I will say though, that since I started CDing, I have not once wished I was dead. Which is a big change and a big relief.

Violet, while I can not say that I have not thought of it at all, I can now say I have not thought of it for quite a while.

Thanks again girls, you are all wonderful.

Love always,
Elizabeth

RikkiOfLA · Post by **RikkiOfLA** » Tue Feb 01, 2005 5:05 am

Maggie writes...

However, when I transform myself into my female persona, all the negativity, obsessiveness, and mental blocks suddenly disappear. I suddenly feel euphoric. A wellspring of positive energy opens. I am smiling and pleasant. My mind is clear, the mental blocks are gone, and I can work happily and productively without interference. When I look in the mirror, I am convinced that this is the true me, and I can barely remember what my male persona even looked like.

I hate having to change back. When I scrub off my feminine makeup, I see my scowling male face in the mirror, and all the negative thoughts and feelings come crushing down on me again. I am getting concerned about the intensity of my negative feelings as a man. Since I am not willing to commit myself to living as a transwoman, regardless of how good it feels, I must some find a way to cope as a man.

Hi Maggie,

I'm sure you realize what you are saying. Because if what you're saying is true, your transgenderedness is much bigger than simply occasional crossdressing. This is hardly some mere lark for you. I'm hearing you say that you would really be most comfortable if you transitioned to living full time as Maggie.

Obviously, you are aware of the huge social costs if you did that. Family costs, job costs, and so on. Could you, for instance, maintain the aggressiveness that your present job requires, without your daily dose of body-produced testosterone? Maybe not. And much more important, would your wife want to continue living with you as a woman? From what you've written, I doubt it.

So I think you're very wise to realize it's time to make some changes in your male life. You might want to replace the job; I wouldn't suggest replacing the wife. Please choose carefully. This journey has already taken you farther than you ever expected; you might have to go farther in the future.

And keep in touch. We care.

Dare I mention the classic wisecrack from our community's rich vein of sarcastic humor:

Q: What's the difference between a crossdresser and a transsexual?
A: About five years.

Beauty · Post by **Beauty** » Tue Feb 01, 2005 9:02 pm

RikkiOfLA wrote: . . .
Dare I mention the classic wisecrack from our community's rich vein of sarcastic humor:

Q: What's the difference between a crossdresser and a transsexual?
A: About five years.

Hi Rikki,

Beauty

Anne · Post by **Anne** » Wed Feb 02, 2005 6:40 pm

Beauty wrote:
RikkiOfLA wrote: . . .
Dare I mention the classic wisecrack from our community's rich vein of sarcastic humor:

Q: What's the difference between a crossdresser and a transsexual?
A: About five years.
Hi Rikki,

Beauty

I have read this before. It shocks some. It may not be true for all but for a fair percentage of people who identify as CD, they really don't know that they may be TG or even TS. For the story of such a person, read http://nicolesniche.net/

Anne