Crossdressers-Haven.com

I would like you ladies to give me some in put on the following senerio.
As you know my wife wants a divorce and at the recommendation of my attorney, I have moved into our basement apartment and we share the kitchen. My attorney said I should have as little to do with her as possible and let her make "the next move." She has had brain problems over the last three months, in and out of ER's and hospitals with hugh bills. Tuesday she had a seizure while attending a local "job fair" and had to be taken to the ER by ambulance. She has a job that she only needs her Dr.'s release to go back to. It pays $32,000 and in this area that is big money! Anyway, the Department of Motor Vehicles said that anyone who has had a "medically defined" seizure is prohibited from operating a car for six months following such seizure. The DMV said they have no way of knowing if that condition exists as Dr's are not required to furnish that info.You are hopefully getting ahead of me! Girls what am I to do?? If her Dr. releases her and I see no reason he should not, what am I to do? ":Screw you get to work the best way you can." Take her and pick her up every day. Let her drive and pray she does not have an accident? What if she does have an accident, they could sue her DR. for not informing the DMV, of course our insurance would not pay as we would be in violation of the insurance contract for withholding pertenant information. We would be sued for probably everything we have. Remember she is the one that wants the divorce and she is hanging it on my crossdressing.
I would like to hear some alternatives from my sisters here if you have some ideas.
Thanks ahead for your help in this.
Love ya,
Virginia

Virginia,
Sad to hear you’re in such a situation.
I would talk with my attorney. Advice on such cases is what they are paid to provide.

Susann

Susann,
Thanks, but what my attorney said was to have as little contact with her as possible - OK I can do that, but now when she can not drive I am just too much of a "softee" I guess, and I want to help her, just like Tuesday when she was in the ER - first person she has the hospital call -- ME! And I did not hesitate to get there ASAP. I'm sorry, I just see her as a human being who is in trouble and I want to help. Guess I must be answering my own question -huh?
Virginia

Hi Virginia,



Is there any public transportation in your area? What about her family or friends? Having gone through a not so pleasant divorce myself, I would recommend heeding your attorney's advice.

I wish I could be of more help

Wishing you the best of luck and the brightest blessings

*Hugs & Love*

I'm with Jassmine,
Your attorney has recommended you leave her to her own devices. She will have to take responsibility for her actions at some point, particularly after the paperwork for the divorce is done. Check with your lawyer about your liability regarding the whole insurance deal with her withholding information and all and go from there. You may want to begin action to disolve the marriage sooner rather than later depending on how much they can come after you for if anything happens because of her negligence.

I so wish it didn't have to be this way for you. All the best to you.

Virginia,

If you are living seperate lives, than live separate lives. I have found lawyers to be over cautious. They see everything as a law suit. As I see it, if your wife wants to drive and her doctor clears her, that is her business. Sounds like you are the only one who either knows, or is worried about the siesure.

If she has and accident are you going to contact the insurance company and tell them she had a seisure? Because it is unlikely anyone would ever find out. And if you are really worried about the insurance, separate it. That is what I did. I just took my soon to be exwife off the policy and made her start a new one for herself. I did this very early into the split up.

I know things are different for me because I live in a "No Fault" divorce state. So assets are split 50/50 no matter what. If I understand correctly you are trying to protect assets, which I was not. Another reason I filed for divorce right away.

As for crossdressing, yes, she is going to hang the divorce on that. And if it goes to trial you will not do well. I live in one of the most conservative parts of Califonia and I have a very conserviative judge who clearly favors my wife. It is apparant my crossdressing was a factor, and continues to be. Which means in the end, you are going to have to negotiate a settlement. I do not think lawyers help this process. I think they make it worse. They make it way more adversarial than it has to be.

What I would suggest is that you start the negotiation as soon as possible. Ask your lawyer what is the downside. What is worst case. because that is your real starting point. Because if you force her to get an attorney, your worst case is what her lawyer will be telling her.

I hope that helps in some small way. Divorce is ugly. The best you can do is to try to keep it as friendly as possible. Because if it goes to anger, then it just slows down the process.

Love always,
Elizabeth

I say sit and talk to your wife about the whole deal.

First, take her keys away. Then ask her how she would like to handle the driving problem. Explain your are not being mean, but you still love her and fear for her life.

Explain the legalities at issue here should she get in an accident.

Then ask her why she called you, and not another family member. Tell her you still love her, which is why you came to the ER when called.

Divorce need not be bitter. Your lawyer is wrong about not having anything to do with her. Ignoring each other appears hateful, and hate breeds hate. And you don't want hate at issue in the court room.

If she were having an affair, or told you she found someone else, etc. Then sure, send her on her merry way and have nothing to do with her.

But the issue seems to be only your crossdressing. Doesn't mean she hates you. It's usually the same for those TSs who go through transition. There is still love there, but the wife can't see herself living with another woman. And that appears to be how your wife sees you, even though she's never seen Virginia.

The practical side is, if she loses her job, and goes through with the divorce, you'll end up paying more for alimony.

If there is no other way for her to get to work (public transport, car pool, daughter, etc.) other than you driving her, and it is not a hardship on you to drive her, then drive her.

Your time together may be benificial. But don't do it in hopes that she will change her mind.

Now, I've an attorney I work with looking up some VA codes, regarding legal separation, etc. He says you may want to consider getting a larger insurance coverage. If you are still living in the same house and not legally separated, then you have liability for her actions. And of course, you must inform DMV of her seizure if she wants to continue to drive or the insurance won't pay.

And he agrees with what I said at the beginning of this post.

WEll I am going to her DR's office tomorrow, she will meet me there. I am first going to explain to him his potential liability if he chooses not to define whatever she had. Fainting spell, passed out, seizure. He wrote a prescription for some drug called Keppra which as I understand it is an anti-seizure drug. He is going to have to take a position on it as both our proverbial butts are on the line. That should be interesting as well as getting him to release her to return to work.
I am sorry to take up every one's time with my "trip around the sun." but tonight I was on the phone with my father-in-law, the retired minister who at 83 years old has accumulated (in his mind) all the known knowledge of man since God created Adam. He actually had the audasity to infer that I was the cause of my first wife's drug addition. I am not a violent person but .....well.... don't guess it woiuld look good on my resume that I punched out an 83 year old retired minister. I don't think I have ever been as mad in my life. i could have bitten an I-Beam in half. His wife, my mother-in-law came in the house shortly after that and I told her what he said and that he should not ever talk to me again about anything!!!!! and it would be best if he not get near me for a while. It is the old adage, "Don't like having a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent."
Girls I am sorry to burden you with my perils, but then again, if my Magical Mystery Tour helps someone else avoid the pit falls I seem to find on a daily basis then I guess some good will come from it.
Donna: My attorney said she knows couples who have lived out their lives in the same house but in "separte rooms." I don't know what is going to happen, so as we say "Small steps ladies, small steps" and one day at a time!
Thanks again for putting up with me and my cross!
Love,
Virginia

Hello Virginia,

You certainly are in a most unenviable situation and it's difficult for anyone to give unprofessional advice in these situations.

The first thing I would say is that solicitors naturally give their professional advice which they see as being most advantageous to their client and the humane side of it all comes second, and from their point of view that is their job to obtain the best outcome possible for their client.
It's usually the first advice they give in impending divorce actions that each party spend as little time togther as humanly possible, but I believe sometimes there are extenuating circumstances, which may need to be taken into consideration.

However, trying to put myself in your situation if it were my wife and myself in similar circumstances, I believe that if I was aware of the fact that she may suffer a seizure whilst driving and thereby put her life in danger and the lives of other innocent adults and children at risk, then I would have to find ways of solving that problem.

What would the effect on you personally be if your wife was involved in a motor car accident and other innocent parties were badly injured or killed. How would it effect you if you knew it may have all been avoided if you'd driven her or made other travel arrangements for her.

I would possibly have to drive her to the places which are necessary for her to be and I believe any divorce court would take the overall circumstances of her safety and the safety of others into consideration as regards that time spent together. I agree with Donna that divorces don't have to be bitter and full of hatred, common sense has to prevail sometimes and there are occaisons we have to do what has to be done, irrespective of what a lawyer may say.

I'm just thinking that seeing you are aware of the possible outcomes if she does drive herself, and if she were to be involved in a fatal motor vehicle accident or indeed one in which there were serious injuries to innocent parties then the legal action which may take place afterwards against you and your wife may well be far more damaging to you both than any detrimental effect on your divorce proceedings due to the fact of the time spent together in a car.

We all have choices in the context of our real life situations. Sometimes though we may be reluctant to use our freedom of choice as we can be constrained to act within the boundaries set by others, such as your solicitor is setting here, but sometimes we have to go by our natural instincts , sometimes it may be prudent for the logic of the heart to take precedence over material things, but I'm purely looking at it from my point of view if it were me, as I cannot know the full extent of your situation or how you really feel.

I wish you both well in very difficult circumstances.

Kind Regards.

Sally.

Sally, all I have to ask is: How did you get so smart in your young age.
Yes, hon, you give sage advice and other than currently having to take this one day at a time that will be my plan. Both you and Donna I will try my best to keep civility in the forefront and common sense on the table.
Thanks girls and if you don't mind I will let you know how it goes! Just like watching a soap opera ain't it .
Love,
Virginia

Hi Virginia,

I agree with your choice.

Beauty

one reason for following a lawyer to the letter (for any reason) is that if things backfire divorce-wise, one has some accountabily -- your lawyer! They can be sued for botching your legal affairs. good luck

Hi girls,

All this advice about what is the "right" thing to do us just wonderful. And I am not denying that they are all the correct "pat" answers. However my own divorce has proven to me, one thing about the "high road". No good deed goes unpunished.

Love always,
Elizabeth

Well girls, its all academic now!! The Dr said she definitely had a seizure so legally his informing us of that fact today takes him off the hook for any liability. My insurance agent confirmed that if she does drive and has a claim they will not pay. She can only be covered again when the DMV releases her based on medical information. The Dr also does not want her going back to work for at least six months. I don't know how her employer will handle that -- I know about FMLA. So we will wait and see what her employer does. She has spent the last couple of days at her parents house so I don't know what she is thinking. Her comment to me this morning at the Dr.'s office before we went in was "don't make a fool out of yourself."
I am going to dress up and go visit my friend Bradi tonight (wear red) as it is in recongnition that heart attacks are the No.1 killer of women. Then I am going to keep training my powerlifting and paying the important bills and one day at a time!
Love ya,
Virginia