"Moving Target"
Moderators: KimberlyS, CathyAnn
-
KristenS
- Miss Sapphire Goddess
- Posts: 58
- Joined: Tue May 04, 2004 11:26 am
- Location: Atlanta, GA
"Moving Target"
There are times when I seem like a "moving target' in regards to how approving my spouse is of my appearance. Generally, she is ok with light makeup, shorter fluffed hair and androgynous preppy attire. But, there are times when she sees things much more narrowly and gets upset with me. I'm having a tough time dealing with and am trying to figure out why. It might be that my look is more "put together' than hers, also she tends to work in an environment where the "norm" for men and how they look can be pretty narrow. Although I'm sure she realizes I'm TG, we've never had "the talk" about what her expectations are, what my expectations are and how we can coordinate them into our lives. Are there any others who've gone through/are going through this??
-
Beauty
- Retired Site Administrator
- Posts: 3662
- Joined: Thu Aug 14, 2003 4:30 am
- Location: Northern VA
- Contact:
Hi Kristens,
Yes I've gone through that before with my wife. I think moving target is a pretty good way to describe it. I believe you should have "the talk". It seems like you're doing enough that she already knows, so why not just go ahead and get it out of the way?
I'm one of the CD'rs here who believes wives should be given royal treatment for accepting us for us. This royal treatment does not equal putting them before us, but it equals a huge thank you for accepting and loving us everyday. An SO who accepts us for who we are is truly someone who loves unconditionally and is very special and unique in this world where the majority of people out there literally hate us or think of us as carnival freaks. So finding someone who can love us, without conditions, is like finding a needle in a haystack of love.
I honestly don't think she's upset with you because you're more put together than her, but you know her much better than I do. I hope you have the talk. I can't imagine, from reading the SO area, how she must be feeling about what she's seeing. Coping for SOs is really tough for most of them. If you two haven't talked about it, I'd bet she's being hard on herself at times because she loves you. I think having a talk with her would allow her to finally release some feelings and may express some as well.
The behavior you're describing, to me, sounds like an SO who's having a hard time coping with this and is conflicted about acceptance and her own personal boundaries.
Good luck with whatever you decide.
Beauty
Yes I've gone through that before with my wife. I think moving target is a pretty good way to describe it. I believe you should have "the talk". It seems like you're doing enough that she already knows, so why not just go ahead and get it out of the way?
I'm one of the CD'rs here who believes wives should be given royal treatment for accepting us for us. This royal treatment does not equal putting them before us, but it equals a huge thank you for accepting and loving us everyday. An SO who accepts us for who we are is truly someone who loves unconditionally and is very special and unique in this world where the majority of people out there literally hate us or think of us as carnival freaks. So finding someone who can love us, without conditions, is like finding a needle in a haystack of love.
I honestly don't think she's upset with you because you're more put together than her, but you know her much better than I do. I hope you have the talk. I can't imagine, from reading the SO area, how she must be feeling about what she's seeing. Coping for SOs is really tough for most of them. If you two haven't talked about it, I'd bet she's being hard on herself at times because she loves you. I think having a talk with her would allow her to finally release some feelings and may express some as well.
The behavior you're describing, to me, sounds like an SO who's having a hard time coping with this and is conflicted about acceptance and her own personal boundaries.
Good luck with whatever you decide.
Beauty
-
Virginia
- Goddess of the Universe
- Posts: 5543
- Joined: Tue Feb 24, 2004 4:06 pm
- Location: Strange Magic Hill
What my sisters' said!!!! the big problem is she is on a roller coaster and you are a moving target. Before the whole thing gets completely out of control you do need to talk with her, and I use the term with, not at or to but with her. Most GG's/SO's just do not have any background in how to deal with this new aspect of her life. If you don't talk with her she will, if she hasn't all ready begun to form ideas and they may or may not be beneficial to your relationship so before it gets out of control - yes! talk with her and let us know how you are doing.
Virginia
Virginia
First star to the right, then straight on 'till mornin!
-
Jabbela
- Miss Emerald Goddess
- Posts: 100
- Joined: Thu Feb 03, 2005 11:08 am
- Location: Germany
- Contact:
I agree with Virginia,
my wife just learned about the woman in me a few weeks ago. It went out more than well, but of course she is curious about the future. The more I talk WITH her about my desire and my drive and the more information I can collect for her, the more she is able to understand and accept me and also support me.
So it should be your pleasure to show her, that you are still the man she married, but you also got the desire to dress like a woman. Even it is hard to explain, I told her, that I CD because I love woman so much, that I desire (to my limits) to be one. As soon as she understands, that you don't transform to a woman, because you might be gay. Beside this she will surely understand, that it is much better that you become a woman for some time, than leaving her to get into a new relationship with another woman.
On the other hand you have to see her fears. Might she loose you to a man? When you are man and woman in one person, will there be space in your heart left for her? She might be able to fight with another woman to keep up your relationship, but how could she deal with your desire?
Take your time and your heart and start to talk about it with your wife. Ask her about her feelings about that, and you can be able to understand what scares her. You have to understand her feelings before you can ask for her acceptance.
my wife just learned about the woman in me a few weeks ago. It went out more than well, but of course she is curious about the future. The more I talk WITH her about my desire and my drive and the more information I can collect for her, the more she is able to understand and accept me and also support me.
So it should be your pleasure to show her, that you are still the man she married, but you also got the desire to dress like a woman. Even it is hard to explain, I told her, that I CD because I love woman so much, that I desire (to my limits) to be one. As soon as she understands, that you don't transform to a woman, because you might be gay. Beside this she will surely understand, that it is much better that you become a woman for some time, than leaving her to get into a new relationship with another woman.
On the other hand you have to see her fears. Might she loose you to a man? When you are man and woman in one person, will there be space in your heart left for her? She might be able to fight with another woman to keep up your relationship, but how could she deal with your desire?
Take your time and your heart and start to talk about it with your wife. Ask her about her feelings about that, and you can be able to understand what scares her. You have to understand her feelings before you can ask for her acceptance.
-
Sally
- We Will Never Forget You - Rest in Peace
- Posts: 630
- Joined: Thu Feb 26, 2004 1:33 am
- Location: N.S.W. Australia
moving target
Hi Kristens,
I believe it would be most beneficial to you both, to have 'that talk' with your wife, or else you'll both continue on assuming you know what the other is thinking, and making assumptions is of no earthly value to either of you.
Self disclosure is a reflection of a healthy attitude towards an intimate relationship and marriage is the most of intimate relationships. Revealing your most inner feelings and true self is an integral part of intimacy. A very common problem is we often erroneously assume that our partner will be less than impressed and she won't like us as we really are and this leads us to live a pretence and hide what we may believe is shameful. It's amazing what we can conjure up in our minds and often what we assume is so far from how it really is or will be.
We firstly have to accept ourself and be comfortable with who we are and what we do. If we're tolerant with ourselves and what we do then it's easier for us to believe that our partner will accept us, even if she may never fully be comfortable with it, but we'll never ever know if we don't sit down and discuss it fully with her, and I mean full and honest disclosure. Anything less than full disclosure will surely come back to haunt us. If we gloss over anything just to appease her in the hope it'll gain us acceptance then we're still living the lie and laying the groundwork for further problems in the future.
I find that when we have a sensitive conversation like this with someone, the first two or three minutes are the most important. It's in that initial time frame we lay the foundation of the liklihood of a successsful interaction or not, so we need to have a concise picture in our mind of what we're going to say right from the first word. If we make them defensive from the start then they won't 'hear' what we're saying and the attitude will form of 'we won't talk about that', it then becomes a forbidden subject and won't be dealt with to any degree of satisfaction whatsoever.
I think it's so easy for people in a long term relationship to fall in the trap of taking it for granted that they know what the other is thinking and passive withdrawal often then becomes a common occurrence. Sometimes this silence is a case of taking each other for granted in that we assume we know what they're thinking or we assume we know what their reaction will be and sometimes it happens because we brood over something which we want to come to the surface but our fear of the outcome keeps it suppressed. But if we don't discuss things then both of us will never ever know what the other thinks, wants, needs, can or cannot be comfortable with.
I wish you well, I hope you find your way to having that talk and I hope everything works out in the best possible way for you both.
Kind Regards,
Sally.
I believe it would be most beneficial to you both, to have 'that talk' with your wife, or else you'll both continue on assuming you know what the other is thinking, and making assumptions is of no earthly value to either of you.
Self disclosure is a reflection of a healthy attitude towards an intimate relationship and marriage is the most of intimate relationships. Revealing your most inner feelings and true self is an integral part of intimacy. A very common problem is we often erroneously assume that our partner will be less than impressed and she won't like us as we really are and this leads us to live a pretence and hide what we may believe is shameful. It's amazing what we can conjure up in our minds and often what we assume is so far from how it really is or will be.
We firstly have to accept ourself and be comfortable with who we are and what we do. If we're tolerant with ourselves and what we do then it's easier for us to believe that our partner will accept us, even if she may never fully be comfortable with it, but we'll never ever know if we don't sit down and discuss it fully with her, and I mean full and honest disclosure. Anything less than full disclosure will surely come back to haunt us. If we gloss over anything just to appease her in the hope it'll gain us acceptance then we're still living the lie and laying the groundwork for further problems in the future.
I find that when we have a sensitive conversation like this with someone, the first two or three minutes are the most important. It's in that initial time frame we lay the foundation of the liklihood of a successsful interaction or not, so we need to have a concise picture in our mind of what we're going to say right from the first word. If we make them defensive from the start then they won't 'hear' what we're saying and the attitude will form of 'we won't talk about that', it then becomes a forbidden subject and won't be dealt with to any degree of satisfaction whatsoever.
I think it's so easy for people in a long term relationship to fall in the trap of taking it for granted that they know what the other is thinking and passive withdrawal often then becomes a common occurrence. Sometimes this silence is a case of taking each other for granted in that we assume we know what they're thinking or we assume we know what their reaction will be and sometimes it happens because we brood over something which we want to come to the surface but our fear of the outcome keeps it suppressed. But if we don't discuss things then both of us will never ever know what the other thinks, wants, needs, can or cannot be comfortable with.
I wish you well, I hope you find your way to having that talk and I hope everything works out in the best possible way for you both.
Kind Regards,
Sally.
Watch nature, because it’s our greatest teacher, it moves and flows and moves on again. We can never be free until we disengage, so allow life to flow as you find it. The way it is, is the way it is.