planting gardens

Aeryn · Post by **Aeryn** » Tue Mar 01, 2005 2:09 pm

The "do you like your body" thread got me to thinking about something.

When my wife found out about my CDing, I was trying to explain (very poorly, as I had never tried to articulate it before) that I felt a strong connection to my female side and needed to express that side of me. Her reply was, "plant a garden."

So why do we dress to express our feminine sides when there are many other ways to do so? Why not knit or sew or do other traditionally female activities? Why not just 'behave' more feminine, or "be" a women without dressing? Why not just plant a garden?

Aeryn (still being too deep today)

Jan W · Post by **Jan W** » Tue Mar 01, 2005 2:27 pm

Dear Aeryn,

I can one hundred percent see where your wife is coming from. I think she has made an excellent point and one in which all non tg'd persons would agree.

I have read of males who wear skirts with their male clothes and this makes them happy. I myself can not see any satisfaction in this. I am going for a complete female persona when dressing and anything less is not what I am about.

A very nice lady once said to me that women crossdress every day when they wear trousers and shorts etc. I do not agree. When most woman wear shorts instead of a skirt they do not adopt male characteristics, call themselves by a male name, wear a male wig and portray male movements and indulge in primarily male pastimes. They are women in pants. We on the other hand become our female selves when we can.

To nuture a garden or sew a dress or knit a garment while being a mainly feminine pastime are things which do appeal to me as Jan but Jan would have to be in full enfemme mode and then the activity would become satisfying to her.

I think that the true CD'er is going for the whole package when she CD's.

Do you girls agree?

Love,

Jan

Post by **DonnaT** » Tue Mar 01, 2005 2:54 pm

Men plant gardens too. My grandad was good at it.

Men sew, knit, quilt, etc.

And those things are not necessarily feminine. Plus they are hobbies.

Many men can express their feminine side without crossdressing, because they do not have the need to crossdress. For example, a number of gay men emote femininity, but would recoil at the the thought of wearing a dress.

Most men don't dress enfemme unless they are CDs. And dressing enfemme is not a hobby one chooses to participate in. It is a need, urge, that we are born with.

Note that this CDer is a true CDer and does not feel the need to go for the whole package when I CD. I can wear the lingerie, or the skirt, or the skirt and top, and not need to apply makeup or don a wig.

There are times, however, that I do have the need to dress the whole way.

There are many different levels of CDing, and no one way is the 'true' way.

Anita · Post by **Anita** » Tue Mar 01, 2005 3:13 pm

Hi Aeryn, Jan--
I don't blame SOs and others for thinking how much simpler life would be if we CDs could just...oh, I don't know, PRETEND in our minds that we were female, or learn to cook, or maybe wear that androgynous shirt every once in awhile.

My three sisters all said, in one way or another, "Couldn't you just express these same qualities without going to such an extreme?" No, dear sisters, I couldn't. I had run up against the limits of being a "sensitive" man long before. There is only so much of that behavior that a man is allowed, and we all know the boundaries quite well, don't we? I got tired of bouncing off the borderline fences; finally decided to just climb over them and go out and play in no-man's land.

I had to tell my sisters, "Look, I understand the gender game really well. I'm not doing this because I don't know the rules. I'm doing it because I can't see any other way around them." And at 50, my siblings had to acknowledge that I'd been around long enough to have tested them thoroughly.

I was starting to get seriously depressed, because I could see that the old
"be sensitive, but only so much," was not working for me. I didn't know I had any options--this was pre-Internet days. I came up with the solution on my own, and only then did I learn that I wasn't alone.

Aeryn · Post by **Aeryn** » Tue Mar 01, 2005 7:00 pm

DonnaT wrote:Men plant gardens too. My grandad was good at it.

Men sew, knit, quilt, etc.

And those things are not necessarily feminine. Plus they are hobbies.

I am in agreement, but her point was sound. Why do we dress to feel in contact with that side of us? Why the clothes, the wigs. Why the transformation?

My own thought is that I am simply hardwired this way. I didn't ask for it or seek it out, it is just who I am. But that doesn't answer people's questions very well.

aeryn

Loretta Ann · Post by **Loretta Ann** » Tue Mar 01, 2005 7:32 pm

Hi Girls,

I go for the whole package. My garden is who I am, and that is what I want to nourish. I am the full package, and this full package is some what different from your full package.

I guess what I am saying is that CDing for me has far more to do with nourishing this living garden that I have chosen to call Darlene, than what it has to do with attempting to tend someone else's garden.

I feel that I can only attempt to assist another with their Garden to the degree that my Garden has been nourished.

So then the question arises: whose garden are you tending? and whose garden are we asking our SOs to tend?

Love Darlene.

Virginia · Post by **Virginia** » Tue Mar 01, 2005 10:27 pm

I feel we are all saying virtually the same thing. Crossdressing comes from the gift we have - inside , if you will. Granted it manifests itself with the desire to wear feminine appearal , but the true need is brought about from as one of my sisters pointed "we are just hard-wired that way."
There are guys out there who wear women's clothing that are not crossdressers ( not TS or fem Imps) but some just have a sexual fetish and it does not go beyond that. For the true crossdresser, as most of us know, it is a feeling inside, a feminine feeling that longs to express itself NOT only through appearance, but actions and reactions expressed in a feminine manner = THE GIFT!! I sure love and cherish mine!!!
Virginia

Sally · Post by **Sally** » Tue Mar 01, 2005 11:24 pm

There are at least as many possible variations of "brain sex" as there are humans. Given that our genetic structure and fingerprints are totally unique, I see no reason why our brain structures should not also be unique. Our needs as as varied as there are people, we can't all be assembled under the one umbrella.

Is the man who wears a skirt while sporting a beard any less a true Cd'er than the man who completes the whole ensemble? I don't think so. There are as many variations in gender as there are people with gender. The truth of the inner identity is what has to carry us through the rest of life. Womens clothes don't make me feel any more or any less female (whatever feeling female means, maybe I should say fulfilled) but what they do do is help ease the stress from my gender conflict and denial of my male characteristics. It doesn't matter whether it's tracky pants and top or a formal dress, the feeling is still the same. The clothes do however support and supplement the changes in mental and physical characteristic changes from the hormone treatment. But this is just me and won't apply to others. I don't begin to even suspect or expect anyone to even try and reason why my needs are so different to theirs, it's just part of my unique journey which started as a child wanting to satisfy a need and urge of wearing girls clothes. What fulfills me may even offend some people, if so then I'm sorry but that's how it is, we're all different in so many ways and no one can say one is right or one is wrong.

I guess a lot of what we do and how we act is connected to the extent with which we need to identify and interact with what we perceive as our true being. I'm not a physically strong person and I've never had a desire to participate in feats which demand a strong physical presence, I've always leaned more towards activities which are more associated with females and that's given me pleasure and fulfillment, even if it has caused me angst at times due to the attitude of others. But I believe we have to first be true to ourselves so we develop our true personality which then helps enable us to be more compassionate to those around us. We have to plant our own garden and tend to it. If we look into our neighbours garden we'll likely see different 'plants', as his needs and choices vary from ours, and so it is with most everything in our life. However we individually see ourselves, it's the truth of the inner identity which has to carry us through the rest of our lives if we're to gain anywhere near the happiness and fulfillment we strive for and how complete or incomplete we 'dress' is not the be all end all in every case.

Kind Regards,

Sally.

Virginia · Post by **Virginia** » Tue Mar 01, 2005 11:43 pm

Sally,
I so much enjoy reading your responses

. I read what you have written and although I tried to express what you have so eloquently said I feel like the proverbial "bull in a china shop." I just enjoy so much the way that you are able to express - my feelings.
You are such an asset to us, thank you. I hope you will pardon the expression but I hope you don't feel that I am blowing too much sunshine up your skirt, but you certainly make my day and express my feelings better than I can.
Love ya, honey!
Virginia

Post by **DonnaT** » Wed Mar 02, 2005 12:38 am

Aeryn wrote:My own thought is that I am simply hardwired this way. I didn't ask for it or seek it out, it is just who I am. But that doesn't answer people's questions very well.

That's true. Problem is, it's hard enough for many CDs to understand, much less the non-CD. I tell them that it is the genetic makeup of my brain, and that scientists are studying the brain to determine why some people are transgendered or gay or whatever. We'll know when they know, should we live that long

Violet · Post by **Violet** » Wed Mar 02, 2005 1:52 pm

I do what I want to do. If I wanted to plant a garden, I'd take up gardening. What I want to do is wear skirts and cute tops. I don't particularly care about the 'traditional activities' of traditionally defined gender stereotypes. I do what I want to do.

Cathy L. Anderson · Post by **Cathy L. Anderson** » Sat Mar 05, 2005 3:50 am

Planting a garden, arranging flowers, knitting, sewing--these are all good ways to express the feminine side. But if the inner woman has been denied for a lifetime, it doesn't seem unnatural to for a man to crossdress now and then until things get back into balance.

Rather than be put on the defensive, you might ask your SO to explain logically why she thinks crossdressing is bad. Any argurment she produces can easily be shown emotional and fallacious. She can wear pants sometimes--why can't you wear skirts?

Cathy

Laura Ashcroft · Post by **Laura Ashcroft** » Sat Mar 05, 2005 3:59 am

I would have to agree a tad with Cathy here. I know of NO SO that I have had, that wore dresses and makeup all the time. I am sure there are women out there like that, and that is fine. Women wanna wear pants and t-shirts, sweat bottoms and tops, even boxers. We are expected to still say "Damn baby, you're sexy". Yeah usually they still are, but still.... jezzz. A guy puts on a bra or panties and its

OMG, can I be with this person? I DO understand the SO's perspective. I REALLY REALLY don't wanna see a guy in a a bra and panties either, BUT I really don't wanna see another gf with rolls of belly fat dressed in sweats either. Does that deter me from loving that person, no. It is a matter of looking deeper.

Aeryn · Post by **Aeryn** » Sat Mar 05, 2005 10:03 am

Cathy Anderson wrote:
Rather than be put on the defensive, you might ask your SO to explain logically why she thinks crossdressing is bad. Any argurment she produces can easily be shown emotional and fallacious. She can wear pants sometimes--why can't you wear skirts?

Cathy

My SO isn't currently buying the "you can wear pants, it a societal bias" but with time she may come to see it. Fortunately, she does understand CDing is innate and has even offered to buy me clothes if that is what I need. And that was within the first hours of finding out!

When have our next big talk, my plan is to ask the questions back to her, "why do you wear makeup?, why do you wear heels? why do you dye your hair? My answers to each of those questions is the same in many respects.

I just noticed I am a Crystal Goddess now! Goddess, has a nice ring to it. LOL

Virginia · Post by **Virginia** » Sat Mar 05, 2005 8:53 pm

Aeryn,
I love that name!!! It is so 21st Century! Anyway, if I may, I would not recommend you put your SO on the defensive! Most SO's are having enough difficultly dealing with our crossdressing as it is - most may say they accept it or that they understand it or that they know it is "hardwired" to us. But most of them don't, they don't know exactly why they don't. It could be a maryiad of reasons. That you actually look a lot better than they pictured in their minds, that you are no longer the knuckle-dragging, nose picking, belching, rip-their-heads-off, caveman she thought she married. That despite what you say that you are really "gay." That you are secretly planning SRS and she will end up defined as a lesbian.
It is my considered opinion (and you know her a lot better than anyone else) but let her establish the conversation, offer to allow her to set her own comfort bounderies..You can consider yourself very very fortunate if she is even willing to discuss it with you like an adult. Don't force the issue. As we say, "small steps, honey, small steps."
Just one girl's opinion, but experienced girl!!!
Virginia