Crossdressers-Haven.com

Hi all,

Something that has been on my mind for a few days, that (to my knowledge) has not been previously discussed here is: What about those out there who need to be controllers?

I am speaking of those whose attitude is it will be my way or (if you don't like it) you can take the Highway.

Now before I go any farther here: SOs I do not know any of you well enough to suggest that you might be one of these. So please don't take anything I have to say here personally? This is not a pick on SOs post or thread.

However having said that it may be something that is a concern to certain CDers. It can easily be a trap some of us may walk into attempting to obtain our part of the Pure Gold that is often referred to here.

Those who need to have things their way are insecure, and use control as a means to protect themselves from the fear of the unknown. Being a cross-dresser can place us in a vulnerable situation. It could serve to make us victims to these vultures.

After all we are easy prey to those who will hold this over our heads should the relationship go wrong. It can also be used to keep us in line. The threat of being outed whether real or perceived is very real to many of us. And has been witnessed here by some who have had their SOs out them to family, courts etc. And quite frankly has been used by some to get their way.

Now I fully understand that this can be used by both sexes, but this thread is intended to discuss this issue as it applies to cross-dressers.

What do you all think about this?

Love Darlene.

Well, my first tip would be, that if you get out of the closet, this kind of threat loses its power; and if you're in a relationship with someone so controlling, you're asking for trouble no matter who you are. Sorry if that sounds glib.

Well Sis, I am assumeing (backside -u - me) that you are referring to inter-personal realationdships if that is the case, I have said I respect my wife's desire to not meet Virginia and will do withn reason whatever I can to afford her that respect. My attorney feels that if our relationship goes to court which is unlikely she feels that it will be a non-issue.
Yes, those of our sisters who desire to remain, in the closet, it can be a BIG Hammer held over their heads, or perhaps our "sister" may have a very public postiion and being "outed" could do immeasureable damage to their career, but what the SO may not realize is the damage that can reverbirate back on them as well. You know the old adage "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned!" Well what if you substituted CD in place of woman?? Relationships are a give and take and sharing arrangement. We know (present company INCLUDED) some SO's just are not able to handle the new woman in their lives. Who ends up holding the hammer??I don't think you or any of us have the wherewithall to analyze every relationship on this forum or anyother for that matter.
If you just happen to be thinking outside the realtionship. i.e., society in geneeral - you know me - "You don't like it - stick it in your ear!!!"
Virginia

I don't think you or any of us have the wherewithall to analyze every relationship on this forum.

Hey Sis,

I hope I was clear enough in my original post here that this is not what I want this thread to be about. In fact I see no advantage to any of us analyzing any relationship on this forum other than perhaps ones own.

A vulture eventually pays the price of such action as you have alluded to, but so does the victim. In fact a highway or my way kind of person suffers as a result of their behavior because it closes certain doors for them, serving to rob them of some of life's pleasures others are able to enjoy.

Hail to the thief.

The only defense that I have found that works against this kind of behavior needs to come from with in the victim. and is the attitude that if that is the direction an SO finds valuable, then I would say fill your boots lets get this thing over with, and whether or not I was in the closet would have nothing to do with it, as one can always find some one some where who would be opposed to the Cder. In my situation the court found reason to use the Cding against me.

Love Darlene.

On the subject of control freaks this made me think. My concealing my cding (or anything else) is a way of trying to control others reactions. All lying is a form of attempted control, rather than letting the other person have their own feelings regarding the truth.

If someone tried to blackmail me I would agree and then go straight to the police, out myself to them and my family, and have them arrested. Period. I haven't done anything that I can remember that would lead me to submit to that sort of control and I hope I never do

With people like bosses well we control a whole lot of stuff so that they will think that they want us to continue working for them. We try to appear to be the person they want us to be whether or not this is true.

When it comes to a spouse or close friend however should I be trying to control what they know and think or should I trust them to come to the conclusion that is best?

I have in the past had relationships with women who were terribly controlling. One developed a problem with weapons as a result of her efforts to control other people. Thank God that realtionship is over.

The question is how much of this control am I willing to give up?

The answer is I don't know.

Andrea

"Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned!"

Nit-picking I know But I think that phrase is wrong....I read on a regular basis about women who are murdered by their scorned husbands far more than the other way round, I think you'll find there are statistics out there, to say it really should be 'Hell hath no fury like a man scorned.'

http://www.cwasu.org/page_display.asp?p ... itemkey=19

Curly(SO)

Heh heh Curly,

See men are the compassionate ones, just kill and put them out of their misery. Women on the other hand, keep the men around to torture them for years and years. (JUST KIDDING)

-- Laura

Laura...

Darlene wrote:. . . even though it is a reality that cross-dressers have to face at some point in their lives.

we do? all of us? that's news to me.

I think this has very little to do with crossdressing or trangenderism, but rather, more about the kind of girl(or man) you choose to be with. If you were careless and shacked up with someone who'd eventually blackmail you, your crossdressing would be the LEAST of your problems. If someone would do that, they'd blackmail you for anything or everything.

this appears to be a non-CD issue, but rather a relationship issue.

Hi Curly,

I agree with you, and acknowledge the plight of women in this world. That is but one more reason I would not like to exchange places with them, or become one of them. And can accept being who I am.

Love Darlene.

this appears to be a non-CD issue, but rather a relationship issue.

Alexandra

It is strange to read those words coming from you. I guess you are not all that concerned then with those you criticize for trying to control you or the transgender society (to use your own words) by forcing you to be a second class citizen?

Same principle, No?

Darlene.

Gooood morning everyone.

I was stopping in for a check up when I saw two posts that had to be removed from this thread. The first post was removed because it should have been handled via PM and the second one was removed because it was a response to the post that should have been sent via PM.

I apologize to both members who've had their posts removed because of the nasty virus that could have spread into a very thought provoking and interesting thread Darlene so graciously created.

Thankfully Curly and Laura brought lollipops and fevers seemed to be abating, but I now see a risk of another fever starting and I wanted everyone to know the doctor has given me very strict orders to keep any eye for any temperature changes.

I hope to come back and read more from everyone and not have to quarantine any posts.

Have a super terrific day and stay healthy!

darlene, if a SO attempted to blackmail me that would be my cue to head down to my attorney's office and file for divorce. I would expect any woman married to me to do the same if I'd used some deeply personal secret in that manner as well. Who the heck would want to be with someone using you in that manner? not me.



ps its 98.7 here.

Darlene wrote:Something that has been on my mind for a few days, that (to my knowledge) has not been previously discussed here is: What about those out there who need to be controllers? ... Those who need to have things their way are insecure, and use control as a means to protect themselves from the fear of the unknown. Being a cross-dresser can place us in a vulnerable situation. It could serve to make us victims to these vultures.

After all we are easy prey to those who will hold this over our heads should the relationship go wrong. It can also be used to keep us in line. The threat of being outed whether real or perceived is very real to many of us. And has been witnessed here by some who have had their SOs out them to family, courts etc. And quite frankly has been used by some to get their way.

     Any relationship is a negotiation of sorts. Both sides give a little, and both sides get a little. Blackmail — the implication of the post beginning this thread — is a serious breach of the taken-for-granted understandings surrounding any relationship. I cannot imagine a mentally stable SO blackmailing their partner, but if that happened in some pathological case, there do exist laws against blackmail.

     Understandings between couples are created within a framework of honor and trust, and the “honor” part remains, even if the couple decides to part.

Alexandra,

I would have to agree with your above post. It is beyond me why some choose to remain in those kind of relationships,

You are right of course in saying that it is a relationship problem, but I think being a CD can serve to make some of us more vulnerable to these kind of vultures.

I personally know of one instance where a persons career was destroyed as a result of having a wife that fit this criteria, and it had nothing to do with black mail.

It happened as a result that his chosen career involved the participation of his wife, and those (other women) who she was involved with reached a point where they had...had enough.

Love Darlene.