marriage going down the drain

Jada · Post by **Jada** » Sun Mar 20, 2005 1:49 am

Me and my wife got into a augument about dealing with her son,(my step son), she says she's tired of the fighting between me and him, but he was not properly disipline<spelled right?> earlier in life. And that the fact that his father hates me for taking his ex from him, I know he's talking behind my back about me and telling dillon (my step son) not to listen to me, I heard it before. His dad is not a good father, he does drugs, alcohol, and pretty sure right in front of him and he dont pay child support,.(sorry if drinking and drugs is your thing but not in front of your child) i mean he gets "plasterd" drunk, and i feel thats a bad role model, but anywayz, lisa (my wife) is going to stay with her mom for a couple days, hopefully she dont want to divorce me, she also said that she's tired of my CDing, talking about thinking she's a lesbian cause of me, we all know in this forum that we cant stop this and she knows that, but she wants a manly man. I manly 60% of the time, i like to wear womans clothes under guy clothes, i even wear some Lei jeans around the house. But i guess that the 40% female side is too much for her, I dont know, ill let God work it out. Thanks for being supportive in this forum, ill let yall know what happens. Later.

Post by **DonnaT** » Sun Mar 20, 2005 1:55 am

Sorry to hear that Jada.

My wife and I had THE argument tonight that may end things too. I ended up telling our son (27) about my CDing. Turns out he already knew and is fine with it. My wife's known for 29 years and is not fine with it.

I feel your pain sister!

Merinda · Post by **Merinda** » Sun Mar 20, 2005 2:21 am

I'm real sorry to hear that girls , I hope you both can work something out with your partners.

Loretta Ann · Post by **Loretta Ann** » Sun Mar 20, 2005 3:10 am

Girls I too am sorry to hear of your heart breaking news, I have a problem understanding how someone can know about it (and be supportive) for 29 years then suddenly decide. This is not for me.

I wish you both well.

Love Darlene.

Beauty · Post by **Beauty** » Sun Mar 20, 2005 11:13 am

Wow

I'm also very sorry to hear this for both of you.

I thought things were going well with you Donna. I hope things go better for you both.

Marriage is weird, though I'm a somewhat inexperienced past 4 years I can tell you so far it's been a wild ride.

My prayers are with you both.

Beauty

Virginia · Post by **Virginia** » Sun Mar 20, 2005 6:24 pm

As you all know Virginia is in the same boat!!!! This is one of the things that I picked up from the SO's forum when it was available to us. That evidently, SO's have the perogative to change their minds about their acceptance of our "gift" at any time they choose, be it two days, two years of twenty years. Is it fair, NO! Can they do it and get away with it? YES! What can we do about it? Evidently, NOTHING!!
Howver, we can garner a lot of support from our sisters here! We have to support one another, a shoulder to cry on if you will, but also a strength to help us move on! We all know regardless of what happens in our lives and relationships - IT AIN'T GONNA GO AWAY!!! If you are at this juncture of family crisis, you can try and repress it or supress it, but to what advantage? It provided us with some serenity and comfort before so why would it not continue to do so - even now that we need it even more!
Virginia is here for any of my sisters that I can listen to if you want and in the words of a well known Charles Dickens character: "God Bless us - Everyone."
Love you all,
Virginia

Anita · Post by **Anita** » Sun Mar 20, 2005 6:42 pm

It is hard to hear about sudden storms seemingly coming out of nowhere, but I know that has happened to me in relationships, and I have done the same thing to others. It is painful no matter which side of it you're on. I have thought I was OK with something the other person was doing, and then one day I'd just erupt about all the things I thought I was "OK" with.

I have always tried to keep honest with myself on these things, and I guess sometimes I wanted something to work so badly that I was willing to ignore my feelings about it for long stretches of time.

Whatever the reason for it, it hurts when it happens to you, and I'm sorry to hear about both of your situations. Take it one day at a time; you can't look too far ahead at times like these.

Sinjoy(SO) · Post by **Sinjoy(SO)** » Sun Mar 20, 2005 7:06 pm

Dear ladies,

My heart goes out to all of you! Being in a relashionship is hard, with stepchildren... I can hardly imagaine.

I don't know if you want to hear from an SO, but here goes. Ease up on us a little will you?? As hard as it is for you, try it from this end! I want my husband to be happy, and in the abstract, I fully support him. In reality IT IS HARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! In order for our husbands to be happy WE are the ones who have to deal with all the emotions of not only having the rug pulled up from under us, but when we hit the floor we fall right through!

everything we once thought about our husbands/ marraige/ ourselves now has to be reanylised.Everything we thought was stone, has turned to sand. I know it is hard for all of you. But it is hard for us too. It is though everything we thought we knew was wrong. It causes us to rethink everything, and I do mean everything!!

Try letting us know how much you appreciate us. Remember this is NOT only about you!!!!! Don't run and hide in your caves, don't shut down, don't try to stop us from crying. Just listen, and love us. Try to show your SO the same support she shows you or if barring that, the same support you would like her to show you.

I don't know if this helped or not, remember, it was said with love. relashionships, as I have said are hard.

Go with G-d, and be happy,

Sinjoy(so)

Virginia · Post by **Virginia** » Sun Mar 20, 2005 7:35 pm

SOLID - GOLD!!!! JUST SOLID - GOLD!
Thank you for being there for us.
virginia

Jada · Post by **Jada** » Sun Mar 20, 2005 7:37 pm

Things are getting better, just one day apart and allready she misses me as much as miss her, she came over to drop of my daughter cause she has to work eary tommorow and most of the day. I know she's sorry, i could tell it in her eyes, you know that look!. anywayz thanks for the support on this forum and and brought more understanding with CDing, It has answered many questions.

Post by **DonnaT** » Sun Mar 20, 2005 9:12 pm

I appreciate the good thoughts, thanks heaps

We've managed to talk things out for now. First time I've been angry with her in many years.

At least I now know my son knows (I figured he did since he uses my PC all the time) and has no problems with it. So I don't have to worry about being caught dressed.

Hugs

Angie · Post by **Angie** » Sun Mar 20, 2005 9:53 pm

Jada & Donna,

I can't imagine what you are going through. I can only hope that time will bring the love that is in your relationships to the foreground in the minds of your SOs. I don't know the specific circumstances, so please don't think this post is in any way directed at you. After reading the posts on this thread, I just couldn't keep my big mouth shut about the topic on relationships in general.

It may seem strange to us, having accepted (to some degree) our transgenderism, that our wives/girlfriends would make such a big deal over it, especially, as Jada noted, when contrasted with things such as parental neglect and drug abuse. Better a crossdresser than an abusive husband we might think.

As Sinjoy points out, though, try as we might, I don't think we can truly understand what out SOs feel when they are forced to deal with our "second selves". The best we can hope for is honesty - on both sides. For us, that means letting our SOs in on who we really are as soon in the relationship as possible. And discussing openly, where we see things heading (dressing only, hormones, full SRS, etc). The 800 pound gorilla will be discovered sooner or later. If your can't be honest about things, what does that say about the relationship? What is to be served by waiting years to get things out in the open? Don't be surpised if you're holding the keys to an empty house when you finally decide that after 20 years of marriage, she should know the truth.

For the SOs, it means a commitment to "walk the talk". If you're not comfortable with it, don't fool yourself into believing it's going to go away. It's not. As crossdressers, we've spent years in most cases trying to hide a part of ourselves and know how it eats at you after a while. In the same fashion, if you try to hide your real feelings about your husband's/boyfriend's other side, things will eventually explode in a maelstrom of emotions. Don't hide behind notions that you'll "have to become a lesbian" or "that my husband will eventually leave me for another man". If gender ambiguity is difficult for you to accept on any level, please rethink the choice of entering into a relationship with someone who deals with it on a daily basis.

Sorry for the soapbox. Ladies, please let us know how things turn out. We'll stand by with a ready ear.

Take Care,
Angie

Sinjoy(SO) · Post by **Sinjoy(SO)** » Mon Mar 21, 2005 6:07 pm

Dear Jada & Donna,

I was so happy for both of you after reading your last post(s)!!!

I wish you all alot of luck, and as always you are all in my prayers.

Sinjoy(so)

Beauty · Post by **Beauty** » Mon Mar 21, 2005 9:39 pm

This was a totally great ending to my day.

Congrats to both of you!!!

Beauty

Kay(SO) · Post by **Kay(SO)** » Wed Mar 23, 2005 9:08 am

I realize that we aren't supposed to post here too but I just had to respond to what Anita wrote:

It is hard to hear about sudden storms seemingly coming out of nowhere, but I know that has happened to me in relationships, and I have done the same thing to others.

It is painful no matter which side of it you're on. I have thought I was OK with something the other person was doing, and then one day I'd just erupt about all the things I thought I was "OK" with.

I have always tried to keep honest with myself on these things, and I guess sometimes I wanted something to work so badly that I was willing to ignore my feelings about it for long stretches of time.

You really said it all when you wrote this.

It's what happens to some of the SO's too. We start out "thinking" we can be okay with it, spend tons of energy convincing ourselves and our men that we are, all the while ignoring our true inner feelings until we reach a point where we have to be honest with ourselves and our men. It isn't that we necessarily change our minds. It's more like, we love you so damned much that we're willing to give it our best efforts, only to realize in the end that we're not being true to ourselves or our men. In the end we realize that loving you doesn't mean that we can or have to accept CDing and that if we can't it's not fair to either of us continue on like we do. The biggest internal struggle lies in that we become tormented because we realize that CDing is a part of who you are, which is why we fell in love with you to begin with. Then there's the physical lifestyle or the dressing itself that we have to figure out how to accept. As for me, I started out being ultra supportive (you name it, I did it to show my support and acceptance) and then did a complete turn around, finally acknowledging my discomfort and pulling back from participation. I still offer support to my husband and he dresses once a month away from home. Did he feel like I had taken something away from him? Absolutely. Did it affect the level of emotional trust in our relationship. You bet. We are working on that and other issues in our relationship currently, trying to understand one another better. We haven't given up yet but both finally agree that if we're not happy together then we need to be apart. Anyhoo, thanks for the wonderful topic and I'm sorry for sticking my nose into this area. I'll try to behave henceforth.

Kay(SO)

Crossdressers-Haven.com

marriage going down the drain

marriage going down the drain

I don't know...

dear Jada and Donna