Sad goodbye
Posted: Thu Mar 31, 2005 1:30 am
Well eveyone, It has been short lived, but i blew a gasket the other night, and think i am going to try and quit crossdressing.
Ever since i was a small boy, i saw the beauty all around me, walking threw the yard takeing care not to crush the dandylions, remember looking up at the stars and asking questions, i always seek knowlage and ask, i always friended the ones that were bullied, never hateing the bullies mind you, i never realy felt as though i fit into this world, every thing revolveing around money, step on each other to get ahead, polute the world for the sake of a buck, i never bought into it, so i always just worked, provide service to humanity to make my liveing. To this day i have never struck a liveing soul in my 42 years of life, im not afraid to jump in there, but if im going to have to fight its going to be for my life, or someone eles life, i have always had and have high respect for others, even if they step on my feet, i love people and life, i only wish to see people as light, and not how they are acting. I have never been to church in my life, but i am a very spiritual person. I became a level two reiki healer <a form of hands of light energy body healing> i never will or clame that i am the healer, i am just a chanel for the energy. Ibelieve that we are all one, come frome the same place, like everything on the earth including our own bodys came from the earth, looking at the earth from space and didnt know of all the life on it, you would just see this beauitiful blue marble, one big item, one entity, the earth, look deeper and you see all the life, amazeing!!! so on a lardger scale is the relm of spirit, it is so vast we cant even come close to comprehending it threw our minds, but if we were to look at it as we did the earth, and look in, we would see an endless abundance of life.
This is how i live and think, thanks too Elandra, and balancing my energys, haveing a high femm side, and balanceing the male side, helps me to be more in tune with the universe, i dont mean thanks to elandra the CD, but the femm energys and the emotions and feelings involved with the femm side of me. <Elandra> When i dress, the femm side of me comes alive, my energys rise, i feel pretty, gracefull, alive, more compationate, understanding, nurturing, <sorry for the spelling im just letting all this just come out> and when i get undressed and let my male side come out, i feel stronger as a man. I feel that emotion and feelings are energy, the more you feel <male and female, love, compation, strength, grounded> the more you see.
We al may not be old enough to remember a day when all woman wore dresses, or skirts or ladys slacks, now most woman are wareing mens style close, and is totaly accepted, we all think nothing of it, but what would the ladys think in that time, seeing other woman wareing mens style close? Maybe a lil of how a person now sees a man in womans clothing? Men have always been told that we dont cry, we have to be strong!!!! we cant have these feelings inside, its not manly, we cant ware womans clothing, feel femm. Its just not right, and looks totaly ridiculious, see a man walk down the street like a lady, and he is dead meat, see a woman walk down the street with a males swager, and no one bats a eye.
So how do we as men get to ballance our femm side if it can never come out because of how humanity rules how men are supose to be? how meny men would CD if fear of how people precieve you would change? As meny as there are ladys walking around now in mens style clothing? Its not our falt ladys have a pile of kool stuff <giggles> we can try on, and play with, if womans things were plain as mens things, and mens were as flashy as womans, then would men CDing be accepted and the roles reversed? its all about ballance, and how high you are able to feel or let it go. For me its reach for the stars, i drop my ego, that is how i can CD and not feel stupid, no one sees me, so im free to let the energy flow.
This part is for Charlie, I LOVE YOU xoxox
Elandra and i are the same being, we are not seprate, you havent seen her very much, but if there was time too you would see that the things i say, how i think, are the same. my movements are different, i carry myself different, but thats just the woman in me wanting to come out. When we meet, it was my total intention to give CDing up, but like every time i tryed it just keeps comeing back, sometimes i wonder, what if the young boy that tryed his mothers hose on, felt more afraid of what people though, and never tryed it, would i be a CD now ? i cant answer that, nore will i ever be able to tell you why for sure, i can say one thing though, trying to quit and the craveing or urges to dress is like trying to quit smokeing but 100 times more intence a drive or want. When i was liveing with my sister for all those years i had to stop, it was so hard and i though about it almost every day it seemed, and when i moved out on my own again, the first thing that i bought was a bra to stuff!! im going to try to quit, because i dont think its fair for you to have to try so hard to have to accept it, it kills me to see you turn off from me, look at me and think im gay, witch i am not, or ever want to change my sex, i dont look at you or your body in envy, wish i was like you, that would make me more out to be a transvestite, and im not, i can feel things have changed in your eyes for me because of the CDing. i understand, but i cant promise you that i wont go behind your back and dress, i will try, but im sure its going to be hard or imposable, i dont know what to do, i cryed last night because of this, i finaly meet the perfect woman for me, and this gets in the way again, am i ment for a life of lonelyness? i will understand if you want to walk away, i will always love you, and the memories we have shared thus far, will or have left a mark on my soul that will be charished for eturnity!!! i never thought i would say this, thinking i would never find true love, but i have and can honestly say i know what its like to love that much!!!! thx to you my sweetness!!!!
Dont get me wrong folks Charlie has been nothing but supportave to me and this dressing thingy, untill i meet her i only stuffed bras, now i know what its like to be almost fully dressed includeing nails and forms, do you know how meny years i have dremt of feeling like that, its all thx to you, that you gave this mans little boys's dreams to come true, <fighting back tears> and for that i cant thank you enough !!! It has all overwelmed me and am sorry if i have been a little bit selfish!!!
For all you CD's i would like to say thanks for makeing me feel warm and welcome, that im not a freak. You all have helped me with all your posts and links and advice!!! I trulely believe that all CD's are enlightened beings, whose femm sides have opened them up to experiance the other half of there being that lets them precieve a greater reality, and feeling a deeper life.
To the dear SO's, i cant tell you why we do it, no more than a gay person can tell you why he/she is gay. There will never be a answer to that, what i said above is the best explanation as to why i can give that seems to fit for me.
I dont know what is going to happen with the next while, can i quit, will i be back, i dont know, but for now ill say good bye, i may pop in now and then, i dont know.
Warm heart felt hugs
Elandra
Ever since i was a small boy, i saw the beauty all around me, walking threw the yard takeing care not to crush the dandylions, remember looking up at the stars and asking questions, i always seek knowlage and ask, i always friended the ones that were bullied, never hateing the bullies mind you, i never realy felt as though i fit into this world, every thing revolveing around money, step on each other to get ahead, polute the world for the sake of a buck, i never bought into it, so i always just worked, provide service to humanity to make my liveing. To this day i have never struck a liveing soul in my 42 years of life, im not afraid to jump in there, but if im going to have to fight its going to be for my life, or someone eles life, i have always had and have high respect for others, even if they step on my feet, i love people and life, i only wish to see people as light, and not how they are acting. I have never been to church in my life, but i am a very spiritual person. I became a level two reiki healer <a form of hands of light energy body healing> i never will or clame that i am the healer, i am just a chanel for the energy. Ibelieve that we are all one, come frome the same place, like everything on the earth including our own bodys came from the earth, looking at the earth from space and didnt know of all the life on it, you would just see this beauitiful blue marble, one big item, one entity, the earth, look deeper and you see all the life, amazeing!!! so on a lardger scale is the relm of spirit, it is so vast we cant even come close to comprehending it threw our minds, but if we were to look at it as we did the earth, and look in, we would see an endless abundance of life.
This is how i live and think, thanks too Elandra, and balancing my energys, haveing a high femm side, and balanceing the male side, helps me to be more in tune with the universe, i dont mean thanks to elandra the CD, but the femm energys and the emotions and feelings involved with the femm side of me. <Elandra> When i dress, the femm side of me comes alive, my energys rise, i feel pretty, gracefull, alive, more compationate, understanding, nurturing, <sorry for the spelling im just letting all this just come out> and when i get undressed and let my male side come out, i feel stronger as a man. I feel that emotion and feelings are energy, the more you feel <male and female, love, compation, strength, grounded> the more you see.
We al may not be old enough to remember a day when all woman wore dresses, or skirts or ladys slacks, now most woman are wareing mens style close, and is totaly accepted, we all think nothing of it, but what would the ladys think in that time, seeing other woman wareing mens style close? Maybe a lil of how a person now sees a man in womans clothing? Men have always been told that we dont cry, we have to be strong!!!! we cant have these feelings inside, its not manly, we cant ware womans clothing, feel femm. Its just not right, and looks totaly ridiculious, see a man walk down the street like a lady, and he is dead meat, see a woman walk down the street with a males swager, and no one bats a eye.
So how do we as men get to ballance our femm side if it can never come out because of how humanity rules how men are supose to be? how meny men would CD if fear of how people precieve you would change? As meny as there are ladys walking around now in mens style clothing? Its not our falt ladys have a pile of kool stuff <giggles> we can try on, and play with, if womans things were plain as mens things, and mens were as flashy as womans, then would men CDing be accepted and the roles reversed? its all about ballance, and how high you are able to feel or let it go. For me its reach for the stars, i drop my ego, that is how i can CD and not feel stupid, no one sees me, so im free to let the energy flow.
This part is for Charlie, I LOVE YOU xoxox
Elandra and i are the same being, we are not seprate, you havent seen her very much, but if there was time too you would see that the things i say, how i think, are the same. my movements are different, i carry myself different, but thats just the woman in me wanting to come out. When we meet, it was my total intention to give CDing up, but like every time i tryed it just keeps comeing back, sometimes i wonder, what if the young boy that tryed his mothers hose on, felt more afraid of what people though, and never tryed it, would i be a CD now ? i cant answer that, nore will i ever be able to tell you why for sure, i can say one thing though, trying to quit and the craveing or urges to dress is like trying to quit smokeing but 100 times more intence a drive or want. When i was liveing with my sister for all those years i had to stop, it was so hard and i though about it almost every day it seemed, and when i moved out on my own again, the first thing that i bought was a bra to stuff!! im going to try to quit, because i dont think its fair for you to have to try so hard to have to accept it, it kills me to see you turn off from me, look at me and think im gay, witch i am not, or ever want to change my sex, i dont look at you or your body in envy, wish i was like you, that would make me more out to be a transvestite, and im not, i can feel things have changed in your eyes for me because of the CDing. i understand, but i cant promise you that i wont go behind your back and dress, i will try, but im sure its going to be hard or imposable, i dont know what to do, i cryed last night because of this, i finaly meet the perfect woman for me, and this gets in the way again, am i ment for a life of lonelyness? i will understand if you want to walk away, i will always love you, and the memories we have shared thus far, will or have left a mark on my soul that will be charished for eturnity!!! i never thought i would say this, thinking i would never find true love, but i have and can honestly say i know what its like to love that much!!!! thx to you my sweetness!!!!
Dont get me wrong folks Charlie has been nothing but supportave to me and this dressing thingy, untill i meet her i only stuffed bras, now i know what its like to be almost fully dressed includeing nails and forms, do you know how meny years i have dremt of feeling like that, its all thx to you, that you gave this mans little boys's dreams to come true, <fighting back tears> and for that i cant thank you enough !!! It has all overwelmed me and am sorry if i have been a little bit selfish!!!
For all you CD's i would like to say thanks for makeing me feel warm and welcome, that im not a freak. You all have helped me with all your posts and links and advice!!! I trulely believe that all CD's are enlightened beings, whose femm sides have opened them up to experiance the other half of there being that lets them precieve a greater reality, and feeling a deeper life.
To the dear SO's, i cant tell you why we do it, no more than a gay person can tell you why he/she is gay. There will never be a answer to that, what i said above is the best explanation as to why i can give that seems to fit for me.
I dont know what is going to happen with the next while, can i quit, will i be back, i dont know, but for now ill say good bye, i may pop in now and then, i dont know.
Warm heart felt hugs
Elandra