Friends and Family

[Jenna]

Hi girls, sorry didnt mean for this to be such a long post, this is something I had been wanting to post about and finally got the chance. It's about dealing with a best friend (who I'll call 'T') and I sort of went into family too.

I feel I should tell a bit about my best freind how we met first cause the way it happened really shows how are friendship became so strong. We have been friends since the first grade, and we went to a small private school together from first to sixth grade. It was a really strict christian school and it was a class of only 9 students. When I first got there I didn't fit in at all. Although I myself was sort of oblivious to it at the time, I just naturally tend to have somewhat feminin mannerisms and the other children picked up on it right away. You can imagine in a christian school setting it was pretty harsh, and I got teased and picked by all the children expect for 'T'. I don't remember exactly how it happened, we just started kind of talking one day and became friends. He was the only person that was willing to stand up for me and be my friend. Our friendship has only grown stronger over the years and I guess this is sort of where my problem comes into play. I have never told him I am a cd and have always felt sort of guilty about it. The reason I guess is when I think of a best friend, I think of someone you can trust to tell anything. I have always felt that I could tell 'T' anything, but for some reason I am still too scared to tell him about my cding. As I mentioned before I act sort of fem and most people that get to know me seem to end up asking me if I'm gay, I consider myself bisexual since I find myself attracted to particular individuals versus a particular sex but thats a whole different story.. since I am not technically gay I just respond with no. At one point 'T' did ask me if I was gay, and I told him no, I know he didn't ask because he thought I liked him that way, which I don't were just good friends, he just wanted to know. So I'm sure since I said I wasn't gay he just assumed at that point that I was a hetro male and like alot of people the concept of being a cd or a bi didn't even cross his mind. So unfortunately he still doesn't know and I really don't know how he'll react. Although I really think it's unlikely, worst case scenario he would be stop being my friend and not want anything to do with me which hurts when I even think about it. My hope would be that he would be understanding about it, but I still worry that he may see me completely different or he may become uncomfortable about it. It has been a sort of a confusing time for me the last few years as I have been struggling to come out, I think of it everyday and what bothers me I guess is I question what is of more value, being able to come out, or my family and friends? Where it stands now my family are the only ones that know I am a cder, my sister knows and is completely ok with it, the rest of my immediate family knows and accepts me the same, which I am very happy and thankful for. However, other members of my family are very negative towards me, and I can't stand to be around them because it's all I ever hear about. I guess my point is that I am scared of losing my friends and family at the expense of being a cd. When I was young my goal as a child was to make sure to get my own place so I could freely dress, which was a good thing in some ways, it was the motivating factor for me to get through school, because I wanted to get a good job and in turn have my own home. Now I can dress 24/7 at home, but have slowly become more and more detatched from my friends and family as a result, and so I question is my choice of lifestyle worth a life of loneliness? That is why I am so scared to tell 'T', cause of the risk losing his friendship. So I am trying to figure if it is best to tell him or not, and if so then what may be some ways to approach the situation.

Thanks for taking the time to reading my post I know there are no magic answers to problems like these, but I am open to any insight anyone may have on this.

[DonnaT]

Jenna, if you find yourself spending more time at home so you can dress, then you will, in escense, push T away and he'll wonder why.

What you describe is similar in many ways to what some CDs do when meeting a girl or getting married. That is hiding it for fear of losing that relationship.

Hiding yourself, staying home, etc. will eventually have T wondering why. Will you lie to your best friend then? I doubt you'd do that, so why lie now.

So, I suggest having him over, and maybe your sister as well for moral support, and talk to him. He sounds sensitive enough to be able to handle it.

Better than giveing yourself ulcers worrying about what might be, anyway.

[Oregon (SO)]

Hi jenna,

I wanted to respond to your post because even though i am on the other side of things, a gg attracted to cd's, I have stood in that same situation. The risk of losing a good friend or hoping that he friend acepts me. In my case when I started to get involved in teh community it meant me driving about 4 hours to go to a cd group that let me join and go to their functions and also go hang out at a tg friendly bar. my regular friends also wondered why i was shying away from letting them set me up with guys they knew for dates. i had 4 close girl friends who saw me at least every week. two of which i had known since high school.

my original plan was not to say anything. but slowly telling them lies about what i had done, and whom i had seen was starting to make me confused. i am a horrible liar, and it became obvoius that i was hiding something. one by one i told them. one high school friend chelsey completely acetped me as long as i never said anything to her boyfriend about it. my other friend darla basically insisted that i was a lesbian just trying to hang on to hetrosexuality. eventually she completely stopped talking to me and that was tough. my other two friends ( a mom and her daughetr) although stunned about everything and having no idea what it all meant acepted me. strgnely kathy 9the mom) has been the one most encouraging of me , even came out with me when i went to tg functions. her daughter on the other hand (my other freind) although not shunning me does not like to talk about any thing related to cd stuff .

it was funny becuase prior to telling them all what i liked i thought i had tested the water enough with them and that i would not have any problems. but sometimes people who you think willaccept you, don't and unlikely ones will...

it truly is a crapshoot.

best of luck. what ever decision you make know it can never be reversed.

sincerely
kathy in canada

Hi girls, sorry didnt mean for this to be such a long post, this is something I had been wanting to post about and finally got the chance. It's about dealing with a best friend (who I'll call 'T') and I sort of went into family too.

I feel I should tell a bit about my best freind how we met first cause the way it happened really shows how are friendship became so strong. We have been friends since the first grade, and we went to a small private school together from first to sixth grade. It was a really strict christian school and it was a class of only 9 students. When I first got there I didn't fit in at all. Although I myself was sort of oblivious to it at the time, I just naturally tend to have somewhat feminin mannerisms and the other children picked up on it right away. You can imagine in a christian school setting it was pretty harsh, and I got teased and picked by all the children expect for 'T'. I don't remember exactly how it happened, we just started kind of talking one day and became friends. He was the only person that was willing to stand up for me and be my friend. Our friendship has only grown stronger over the years and I guess this is sort of where my problem comes into play. I have never told him I am a cd and have always felt sort of guilty about it. The reason I guess is when I think of a best friend, I think of someone you can trust to tell anything. I have always felt that I could tell 'T' anything, but for some reason I am still too scared to tell him about my cding. As I mentioned before I act sort of fem and most people that get to know me seem to end up asking me if I'm gay, I consider myself bisexual since I find myself attracted to particular individuals versus a particular sex but thats a whole different story.. since I am not technically gay I just respond with no. At one point 'T' did ask me if I was gay, and I told him no, I know he didn't ask because he thought I liked him that way, which I don't were just good friends, he just wanted to know. So I'm sure since I said I wasn't gay he just assumed at that point that I was a hetro male and like alot of people the concept of being a cd or a bi didn't even cross his mind. So unfortunately he still doesn't know and I really don't know how he'll react. Although I really think it's unlikely, worst case scenario he would be stop being my friend and not want anything to do with me which hurts when I even think about it. My hope would be that he would be understanding about it, but I still worry that he may see me completely different or he may become uncomfortable about it. It has been a sort of a confusing time for me the last few years as I have been struggling to come out, I think of it everyday and what bothers me I guess is I question what is of more value, being able to come out, or my family and friends? Where it stands now my family are the only ones that know I am a cder, my sister knows and is completely ok with it, the rest of my immediate family knows and accepts me the same, which I am very happy and thankful for. However, other members of my family are very negative towards me, and I can't stand to be around them because it's all I ever hear about. I guess my point is that I am scared of losing my friends and family at the expense of being a cd. When I was young my goal as a child was to make sure to get my own place so I could freely dress, which was a good thing in some ways, it was the motivating factor for me to get through school, because I wanted to get a good job and in turn have my own home. Now I can dress 24/7 at home, but have slowly become more and more detatched from my friends and family as a result, and so I question is my choice of lifestyle worth a life of loneliness? That is why I am so scared to tell 'T', cause of the risk losing his friendship. So I am trying to figure if it is best to tell him or not, and if so then what may be some ways to approach the situation.

Thanks for taking the time to reading my post I know there are no magic answers to problems like these, but I am open to any insight anyone may have on this.

[TamaraSegunda]

If T is truly a close friend, I can well understand how you would want him to know something that is such a crucial part of who you are.

If I were in your situation (I sort of was, at one time), I might start by asking him, "Remember when you asked if I was gay, and I told you I wasn't?" Then, with a big smile, I'd say, "Well, I'm not. But that doesn't mean I'm not pretty weird." You'll be able to tell from his reaction how to proceed. Good luck, and warm hugs.
.......Tamara Segunda

[Jenna]

Hi girls,

I was feeling pretty emotional about it last night and I think I just sort of needed to get a lot of it off my chest. I’m glad you all understand cause what you have described is absolutely right. Although I don't mean to do it, I have been slowly pushing away from 'T' as well as a few other friends that I have, and I know they have noticed. I also make up lies that I can’t seem to keep up with and I’m sure they are becoming more and more suspicious that I am hiding something, and I even worry they may start to resent me for it. I know deep down the right thing to do is be open and honest about the situation, but I guess I am still sort of scared of facing the truth. I believe that even if it turns out worst case and 'T' never wants anything to do with me, it would ultimately be for the better since I would know the truth, but yet it kills me to think of ending up alone and losing the few friends I have. Since I truly feel the need to know, I have decided that I will tell him, but my problem still now is just working up the courage to do it and figuring out how exactly I want to go about it. I really like your idea Tamara, I think maybe I’ll try hinting it to him first just to see his reaction, and then decide how to come out with it, but I know I will have to tell him regardless since I just can’t keep on living this way.

Thank you all soo much for listening to me and taking time to respond, I do tend to feel alone a lot and I can’t express how much I appreciate being able to share these matters with you all. You are all very sweet

[Loretta Ann]

Hi Jenna,

What are you missing out on in life by attempting to hold on to a friend or friends that you are not sure will accept the real you?

Are you there-by missing out on having friends that will enrich your life by accepting you for who you are?

I have found the best friend that I can have is one who sees enough good in me that they are not concerned about my private life.

As one of my friends recently put it; I like ______ for what you are to me. I am not interested in what others might say about you. I will tell anyone who tries to tell me something bad about you that I don’t want to hear it.

That friend ship has taught me that anything less is not worth it.

Love Darlene.

[Jenna]

Hi Darlene, that is a good point. I have sort of asked myself the same questions and I have concluded that if my friends reject me for being who I am, then they were never really my friends to begin with.

This is kind of hard for me to explain, but I’ll do my best. I don’t think ‘T’ and my other friends are bad people at all, and they have really been there at times when I needed them. That is why I consider them good friends. I worry that probably like many others out there, they might not know enough about the nature of cding and my situation and since people tend to be afraid of what they don’t know.. well hopefully you see where I’m trying to go with this. My hopes are that they will at least be open-minded enough to hear me out so I that I may even be able educate them a bit and show them there is nothing to be afraid of. However I have prepared myself for the worst and I would ultimately rather be alone than in the company of friends that can’t seem to accept who I am.

As I mentioned in the above post I am going to tell ‘T’. I actually spoke with him yesterday and he is coming over this weekend, which I think will be as good a time as any to tell him. Needless to say I am very nervous about it, but since it’s still a few days away I am just trying to relax and keep my mind off it in the meantime. I will definitely come back and let you all know how it goes one way or the other. Well, wish me luck .

[Jenna]

Hi, just me again, wanted to give a little update like I said I would. I spoke with ‘T’ Saturday and am happy to say that everything went smoothly. I explained the situation and he was very understanding. He seemed curious as to what makes a person cd but I basically told him that there really is no explanation, just that it feels natural to me and is part of who I am. He did assure me that we would always be friends regardless of anything like that and I am very grateful now for the way things turned out. I even feel a bit silly since I was so worried, and he ended up treating it as though it wasn't that big of a deal to him. This was a real load off my mind *phew*. Thanks for reading and for your thoughts as well, I appreciate being able to share with you all.