I'm sorry that it's been so long!

Nick · Post by **Nick** » Thu May 26, 2005 3:58 am

I know that I haven't posted in a really long time, and I feel bad because of it. So here I am making a post (and hopefully more will follow)

I've been spending my time in the desert driving trucks (BORING!), writing music (woo-hoo!), playing through Final Fantasy V (very fun game), and (most importantly), doing a lot of self searching. I've been corresponding with both CDs and TSs during the time that I've been here, and I've noticed that I don't see my gender as "black and white" as they do. For awhile, I thought that I must be a TS, because I wasn't happy being a man (for the most part), because I wanted companionship with women the way that women have companionship, based on honesty and trust. I'm not saying that all women are like that, I'm just saying that I've not seen very many men that don't live some kind of lie. When I thought that about transitioning, I imagined what it would be like, and how I didn't care if I was pretty or not, so long as I could just be a woman. I wasn't going to do anything irrational based on these feelings, but it wasn't often that I didn't question my gender. After doing some more reading and thinking about who I am now, and who I want to be, I've decided that I don't even want to deal with gender, that what I want is androgyny, to just be rid of gender altogether. I have found that I don't want to have to live up to society's expectations of a heterosexual male or a lesbian woman, but that I just want to be me, and let people deal with it as they please. It may be a long road ahead, but I'm ready to walk it!

I remember that someone mentioned that they saw me as an ambassador... I think that I have lived up to that title! Just about half of my platoon know about my gender issues, and they are still my friends. I don't think that a lot of them understand it, though... One of them tried to compare me to a fetish CDer in my unit... Another one saw Jenny Boylan on Larry King Live this morning and asked me "Hey, Johnson, is that your dad ... er, I mean... your mom?" I just gave him "the look and kept walking. Speaking of which...

Did anyone catch that show? I saw a small portion of it, but I couldn't finish it because I had to leave... Someone who saw me watching it asked me "Hey, are you into that kind of stuff," and I said with pride, "Well, I read her book!" He tried to explain to me how she is still a guy, but I don't think that he knows anything about gender issues...

Basically, I'm doing OK, and aside from a few wisecracks from people, I think that they're OK with my CDing... if they're not, then I guess that I could be in trouble... but I'm not too worried about that because Jesus told me in a dream that I'm going to make it home OK, so I'm going to do just that!

I hope that everyone is having a good life!

- Nick ("Celes")

Post by **DonnaT** » Thu May 26, 2005 6:15 am

HI Nick,

Glad you are doing OK over there in the dessert.

How did your unit find out you were a CD? It's good to know that so many appear to be ok with it. Did you say there was another CD in you unit?

I caught a bit about Jenny Boylan last night, but was on the phone with my mother (she just got out of the hospital). She had her wife DD on with her in the last 1/2 hour. Although they are still legally married, their relationship is more like sisters.

Take care, and keep alert.

Beauty · Post by **Beauty** » Thu May 26, 2005 6:46 am

Hi Celes,

I respect that you want to change stuff to be more of an androgynous person. When I was in a similar situation in my 20s I thought like you did, Part of me thinks this is part of accepting your gender, but I know I'm just human so part of me goes, "Yeah right. Like you know everything?"

My "similar situation" was when I was surrounded by guys in college. They all knew I was wee bit different, but still I got tired of being the odd person out. Still though I'd gone too far accepting myself to go completely retreat from my understanding of my gender dysphoria. So I decided to be androgynous in gender, but still a guy because I loved the gals

. It lasted until I had time to be alone again. The moment I did well, I changed again.

Like you did, I also considered transitioning very strongly, but in the end I just couldn't because I wasn't a gal trapped in a guys body.

So baby cakes, my situation may be way different or it may be similar with a different ending. I think the decision you've made is a good one because it's what you want to do and not what anyone else is telling you to do. I feel I grew the most when I did this for myself and not what others told me to do. I applaud you for walking on your own.

If you weren't able to read through the lines let me help some.

I'm saying congrats on your decision and I wish you the absolute bestest no matter what!

I'm proud of you. Your gender isn't important for me to be proud of you. Your gender also won't change the fact that I love you as a friend.

Please be safe over there love.

Beauty

Nick · Post by **Nick** » Fri May 27, 2005 3:58 am

DonnaT wrote:HI Nick,

Hi, Donna!

DonnaT wrote:Glad you are doing OK over there in the dessert.

I'm glad I'm doing OK, too... 'cause if I wasn't I probably wouldn't be in as good spirits as I am now!

DonnaT wrote:How did your unit find out you were a CD? It's good to know that so many appear to be ok with it.

It might sound kind of a dumb thing for me to do... but I told them. I was confronted with it, and I tore myself open and said, "Here I am, this is me, take it or don't."

DonnaT wrote:Did you say there was another CD in you unit?

Yeah, but he's a fetish CDer... I was kind of angry when I was compared to him because of how different our situations our. I have nothing against him personally, just the fact that someone thought that we both dealt with the same thing, considering all of the strife that my gender issues have put me, and sometimes continue to put me through.

DonnaT wrote: I caught a bit about Jenny Boylan last night, but was on the phone with my mother (she just got out of the hospital). She had her wife DD on with her in the last 1/2 hour. Although they are still legally married, their relationship is more like sisters.

Your "last night" is my yesterday morning, but anywho, I hope that your mother is doing better now that she's out of the hospital!

As far as Jenny goes, I've read her book "She's Not There"... and I remember reading that she married a woman named Grace Finney before she transitioned, which is where the name Jennifer FINNEY Boylan comes from... Peculiar...

DonnaT wrote: Take care, and keep alert.

Indeed, I shall!

Terri(SO) · Post by **Terri(SO)** » Fri May 27, 2005 7:00 am

Welcome back Nick!

Allena · Post by **Allena** » Fri May 27, 2005 12:07 pm

If the U.S.Military(and the Government in general) would open up more in terms of acceptance of all Americans, I'm sure the general public would be SHOCKED

to find out how many divergent personalities there are in the ranks of enlisted and commisioned service men and women.

Actually, I suspect that most Americans probably would acknowledge the existence of folks in the service of our country who fall outside the stereotypical - male, female, heterosexual, homosexual categories.

It's just that people like to use denial rather than critical thinking to make themselves feel comfortable.

Glad to hear of another soldier who's doing well considering the stress & strain of serving in a war zone.
I've been out of the service since 1979, but I still respect and care about each and every one of you!

Thanks for the encouraging words!

If I read you posts correctly, then you are still in the 'sandbox' ?
Have you, or will you, provide someone with a contact address so we can get a care package out to you?
I've worked on sending some out, but it has been a little while since I've sent one.
I even successfully shipped a jar of pickles! No Breakage!

If you want to remain just Nick(Celes) here, then perhaps you can provide one person with your shipping info and the rest of the folks can send stuff or money to that person.

The way I did it was just like I described above. I went ahead and started purchasing items to send, while the other folks either sent me money or goods.
After the first package, I realized that waiting for someone's package to show up so I could add it to the one going overseas, was not working too well.
Anyway, I feel we have several folks here who are honorable enough to keep identity confidential, as well as trustworthy enough for me to send my money to.

Let us know!