Crossdressers-Haven.com

My wife leaves in a few hours for 4 days away to help our daughter move apartments in another state. I will miss her, but it is an opportunity to crossdress for the evenings and wear panties during the day, as she is entirely unaccepting of crossdressing. Indeed I am wearing my panties under my male clothes as I type, just before leaving for work.

When I crossdress while she is away I venture out in my yard to pick up the newspaper, etc. while in feminine garb, often in the nightgown and nylon peignoir robe that I sleep in. While I am careful that no one is around on my rather quite street when I go out, one of these days one of the neighbors is going to see me. What should be my response if that happens? I am a 63 year old professional, whom, I imagine, no one would suspect of crossdressing.

Suzi

I guess my first question is, does your SO know you CD? If she does, than I think you need to discuss the "Rules" (when, how often, etc).

If she doesn't know, I think you need to discuss it with her at some point. My SO found out by accident and our relationship suffered dearly for the first few months. Issues of trust, was I gay, did I want to take hormones, etc.

My SO is unaccepting as well but has stated if it is something I need to do than we will work through it. Fortunately for me, I am not a frequent dresser and the issue has not come up again.

aeryn

I'm sorry if she doesn't accept you Suzi and you've tried to do your best to tell her and she won't accept this part of you.

If you tried and even if you haven't yet (notice the yet) I really do hope you enjoy your relaxing time without worry that you'll have to confront an upset spouse.

Beauty

I can tell you how it has been for me.
My wife also doesn't care for the crossdressing, but she has said she will tolerate it as long as she doesn't have to see it.

This has been the situation for the last two years.
I keep my clothes out of sight, pretty much.
When I venture out to our mailbox/newspaper box in the wee morning hours, I sometimes keep my fem stuff on, but I'll cover it with a robe.

We live on a street that is sort of a through-street in town, so when folks start heading out for work it gets fairly busy.

I think you should give a lot of thought to the potential outcome of you being discovered by a neighbor and possibly 'exposed' to others or to your wife.

When you've 'seen' the outcomes, start thinking about which ones you will be able to deal with emotionally.
If your wife has had any exposure to your interest in crossdressing, I would imagine that somewhere in her mind, she wonders if you do it while she's gone.
I hid my activities like this for a long time. This was after I initially told my 'girlfriend-now-wife' that I "used to" dress in women's clothing, then went on with the denial thing about how I no longer did THAT!

Surprise, Surprise!
I kept on doing it!
And I hid it as best I could.
The emotional trauma I put myself through over the next 13 years was incredible, to say the least!

When I finally revealed my girl-ish interests during marriage counseling, my wife and the counseler probably thought I had gone off the deep-end.
I was an emotional wreck, sobbing, hollering, shaking, etc.
The counselor (to her credit), did the expected thing and asked if I was going to be 'alright?', meaning was I possibly going to go home and shoot myself.

That's what hiding all this did to me.

If you think that hiding this aspect of yourself under the looming fear of getting caught, is possibly creating any emotional stress for you, I hope you can find a way to reveal it to your wife.
I honestly think it will be better coming from you than from someone else.

This is not only about her personal feelings towards crossdressing, but also her self-image.
Just speaking of crossdressing husbands and their wives, I do believe that the wife takes a huge emotional hit if 'other people' know about her CD husband, if she's not fully comfortable with it herself.

It seems to be a pretty substantial blow to her world even if it's just her and her husband who know.
I cannot speak for the wives/girlfriends in these situations, I'm just relating what I feel I have learned from my experience and from reading the experiences of others.

The hurt, anger, sadness and frustration can come out now...or later
The subject can be brought out into the open by you...or someone else

Please be careful for both of you and give this some more thought.

Take care!

Hi Suzi,

Excuse me for one sec. I need to hug Allen real quick.

Allen that was a wonderful post. Even if this doesn't apply to Suzi this is a great post for all to read and for some to take very much to heart. It's honestly one of the most open posts I've ever read on the forum. You .. are.. wow.. just .. wow.

Oh yes.. I was here for a reason.

Beauty

I guess I don't know when to shut up!


I always read my posts after I post them.
Then I usually go back and edit.

I'll just correct it here.

I mentioned the emotional toll I suffered from my years of hiding/deception.

Well, I realize I neglected to mention the emotional toll my wife went through as well. And possibly our young daughter also.

I say this because the whole time I was not mentally healthy, I was passing on my stress to my family.

Aeryn said something I really like...

My SO is unaccepting as well but has stated if it is something I need to do than we will work through it.

One of the most important issues for us here is the fact that crossdressing IS something we NEED to do.
Meaning, I see so many men here who have admitted they cannot just put this issue behind them and never think about it again.

I recently accepted who I am, even though I'm still learning more about myself.
I have accepted myself as being N-O-R-M-A-L!
What I do, what I feel is NORMAL for me!
It may not be considered normal to some fragment of society, but I have to live my life with a healthy acceptance of who I am or I won't live long.
I've seen that now.

Embrace who you are.
Notice I didn't say 'what' you are.
Don't get caught up with applying some label to yourself as to 'what' you are.
You know you are a human being!
With that, anything else you 'are' is probably normal for you.
If it isn't, you should drop it.

ARRRRRRGH!
Who appointed me supreme lecturer?
OH, I did that myself

Sorry about the lecture.
I'll drop it for now.
Be confident in WHO you are, and take careful steps to help your wife understand WHO you are too.

I agree in principle with Aeryn and Beauty when they counsel that I should discuss my crossdressing with my wife and come up with some ground rules. However, as I will detail below, that is simply not possible, so useful advice for me would take that as a given.

My wife knows I am a crossdresser because I have told her so in so many words. She knows I spend a lot of time on the web on crossdressing and transsexual websites. She accepts our friend, though not close friend, who is a transsexual. But she is a woman in her 60s set in her ways of thinking about things, and she has been very explicit that she will not only not accept me crossdressing but that she will not allow any discussion about the practice of crossdressing and certainly will not allow any discussion about me crossdressing. She does not know whether I crossdress or not now, though she knows I have during our marriage. She might suspect I do crossdress now, but she does not know, I guess, and she does not want to know. I love her, and I have to respect her wishes.

So here I sit in my pink bra and panties, my bright flowered blouse and red pants, heels and kneehighs, gold bracelet and feminine watch, two delicate rings with stones (plus my wedding ring), earrings, and necklace, full facial makeup, and red wig, ready as soon as dusk becomes dark to go out to get the mail. As you all know, it is either impossible or unhealthy to resist these crossdressing urges.

So I will hope for some advice on the matters brought up in my earlier post, by those who can start from the assumption that discussion with my wife is not possible.

Best, Suzi

Hi Suzi,

Sounds like you're dressed to the 9's! Enjoy your time outside in the real world.

Beauty

WOW!
I'm impressed with your style and abilities!
re: your outfit and makeup skills!

you asked:

What should be my response if that happens? I am a 63 year old professional, whom, I imagine, no one would suspect of crossdressing.

Suzi

I appreciate your latest post.
I'm one of those people who answers everything BUT the question sometimes.


Yet, with your question above, I'm not sure how to answer it.
Do you seek ideas on how to handle a neighbor seeing you?
Do you want a snappy line to say?

I think answering a question like this is difficult when I don't know anything about how an event like this would impact you personally or your wife.
Do you know your neighbors? Do they communicate with you and/or your wife?
What makes their exposure to your particular clothing-of-the-day important enough to consider responding to them?

Perhaps someone else will jump in here and give you the answer(s) you want/need.
I wish I could...really!

The only thing I strive to stay away from is lying.

I suppose with what little I know of your situation, aside from saying...'don't do it'...I'd have to recommend a friendly wave and act as if nothing unusual has occured.

Personally, I've exposed myself to family and friends a long time ago.
While I was plenty worried about the impact of my letter on everyone, it turned out that they all took it in stride.

So with that, living in a new part of the country, I'm ready (I think so anyway) to answer anyone's questions around this town should it come up about my clothing choice.
I'll either politely tell them I'm not interested in discussing personal issues with them.
or
I'll fess up and say I have been exploring women's clothing since I was small boy.

What I won't do is lie about it anymore.

Sorry if that doesn't help here or better address your question.

Suzi

i just wanted to say that i have met women like your wife. sometimes only ever so briefly either online or otherwise.

my guess is i am sure she knows but refuses to give it more thought, becuae in her mind, out of sight/out of mind and vise-versa.

the more valid thought she gives it the more it becomes something she will have to deal with. and if you have been married for a long time, she is of a certain age, she probably thinks she should be past having to deal with 'kinky' things her husband does. 'kinky' not being my thought, but just a general consensus from women who know little about crossdressing and prefer to label it a 'perversion'.

i think alot of women like her just really want to finish their years with as little trouble as possible. and crossdressing = trouble for many.

i certainly sympathize with your situation.

your urge to go out dressed and take chances probably come from years of hiding and having to withhold desires.

ultimatly you are going to do what you want right? take chances when you feel you can. i understand.

i hope that you can find some happiness in all this and hopefully understand why leaving your wife out of this is probably the biggest gift you could give her.

most sincerely
kathy in canada

SuziPage wrote:I agree in principle with Aeryn and Beauty when they counsel that I should discuss my crossdressing with my wife and come up with some ground rules. However, as I will detail below, that is simply not possible, so useful advice for me would take that as a given.

My wife knows I am a crossdresser because I have told her so in so many words. She knows I spend a lot of time on the web on crossdressing and transsexual websites. She accepts our friend, though not close friend, who is a transsexual. But she is a woman in her 60s set in her ways of thinking about things, and she has been very explicit that she will not only not accept me crossdressing but that she will not allow any discussion about the practice of crossdressing and certainly will not allow any discussion about me crossdressing. She does not know whether I crossdress or not now, though she knows I have during our marriage. She might suspect I do crossdress now, but she does not know, I guess, and she does not want to know. I love her, and I have to respect her wishes.

So here I sit in my pink bra and panties, my bright flowered blouse and red pants, heels and kneehighs, gold bracelet and feminine watch, two delicate rings with stones (plus my wedding ring), earrings, and necklace, full facial makeup, and red wig, ready as soon as dusk becomes dark to go out to get the mail. As you all know, it is either impossible or unhealthy to resist these crossdressing urges.

So I will hope for some advice on the matters brought up in my earlier post, by those who can start from the assumption that discussion with my wife is not possible.

Best, Suzi

Dear Kathy,
First, having followed for years the website of you and your husband Amanda, I am honored to have your analysis of my situation. Second, I think your analysis is right on. Thanks much for your advice.
Suzi

Hi Suzi,

SuziPage wrote:As you all know, it is either impossible or unhealthy to resist these crossdressing urges.

Wow--that's an awfully strong statement.

First, it's certainly not impossible. If someone puts a gun to your head, you physically *can* resist the impulse to CD, right?

Second, there are degrees of resisting. I would agree that you can't just deal with the urges as a whole by denying them completely and forever, and without attempting some kind of compromise, sublimation, or 'transumation' of them. But does that mean we have to give into them 100% every time they occur.

Dressing is one thing, and flirting with getting 'outed' quite another. The latter is an urge rightly resisted, especially since it involves other people without their permission. It's the going out to get the paper that I refer to, not dressing alone and in private.

Cathy

Cathy is right that dressing is one thing and going outside, with the greater chance of being outed, is another. At the same time, I know other crossdressers are attracted by the adrenalin rush of the small chance of being seen by others as having feminine things on. And, after all, I am very careful that that chance is very low. A contradiction, I guess.

Suzi

You make good points about what the neighbors would do. As for my wife, I suppose it somewhat the same as your wife in the following sense. Though my wife found my stash many years ago and knows I am a crossdresser, she does not know for sure that I am dressing now, just as your wife does not know you crossdress.

Do you think you have a chance of an acceptable relationship if your wife came to know and you did not agree to give up crossdressing?

Suzi