As a woman, I can touch people!

[Anita]

Hello to All--
One of the big benefits to going out as a woman is that people are not afraid of me when I'm out and about as Anita. This amazed me; it's not something I could have imagined ahead of time.

Now, I'm friendly enough as a man, but I tend to have a very hard look on my face if I don't think about it. It comes from years of having to be "tough" enough to defend the sensitive person who is inside. It does not make me very cuddly--children shy away from me, for instance.

I just took it for granted that I lived inside a permanent no-touch zone. There's strict limits about touching, for most men. I never thought about how unhappy this made me, because there was no solution to it that I could see. I wasn't aware of my femme self--I'd never crossdressed as an adult.

So after I begin to go out in public as a woman, I noticed that I almost automatically begin to touch people, both men and women. And it was OK! They didn't shrink back, or look uncomfortable.

At that point, I realized how strongly I have always clamped down this need to touch. In my family, you didn't touch anyone; we didn't even hug, growing up. (We do now)

Now, this post won't mean much if your only times out are to go shopping. I can't just walk up to strangers and pat them on the shoulder. But if I go to social gatherings, I have much more freedom to use my hands and not feel like I'm out-of-line anymore.
As I said, I didn't realize how bad this had made me feel all my life, until the restriction was suddenly lifted.

Anita

[CJ]

Hi Anita,

I know what you're saying; I also grew up in a no-touch zone. This has led to my having to get to know, and be comfortable with, my own body very gradually and over a long period of time.

For most of my life, delighting in my own sexuality and sensuality is something I could only allow myself to do as Christina, not in boy mode. It's as though this "otherness" in me that is also myself had less difficulty being "in her body" than I did being in mine. I attribute this to the fact that, aside from some very infrequent and very mild corporal punishment, we were never physically touched as children, never held, never hugged.

In the past few years, I've become much more at ease with my own body, in both modes. However, I'll admit that I'm much more of a sybarite when I'm in girl mode than when I'm in boy mode. That still puzzles me a little. I find myself wanting to more fully blend and integrate my gendered behaviours but I'm having to struggle to achieve this. Perhaps I'm going against the grain of my own soul in trying to do this. I actually like the variety of who I am.

Like yourself, Anita, I feel much more comfortable being physically close to people as my femme self than I do as my drab self. It's a puzzle. Because, really, aside from the clothing and makeup, what has changed? Nothing. I'm still me. Maybe the "connection-seeking" side of me comes out more when I'm in girl mode. Who knows? (Well, actually, Christina knows... but she sure as hell ain't tellin' me! )

Love,
CJ

[Anita]

Hi CJ--
It's tough to integrate the two selves. There's very few of us who could get by with being androgynous, and I found out that years of being a "sensitive" man was not enough for me. I had to go all the way to the other gender extreme to find a true expression of who I was.

My middle sister said, "Yeah, but you're still basically one person." Thing is, I'm afraid that if I really integrate, it'll be easier to live as a woman. I'm not ready for that.

At least once, though, I was walking past a lesbian contractor whom I'm known for a long time, and I touched her on the shoulder. That was totally out of character for male me, and I'm not sure what she thought. I smiled as I walked past, because that was more Anita's move than mine.

I can't say that it's "just me" inside those other clothes. Anita has a very different feeling to me, and looks different on videos that I've done here at home
A

[SharonRose]

This is a very ineresting thread, and what you all have stated rings very true to me. I also feel more comfortable when I am free to touch other people.

I think part of the appeal of getting in touch with our femme selves is being free to express other facets of our personality which have been locked away.

Sharon Rose

[CJ]

Hi Sharon,

That's the whole point, though, isn't it? The question that haunts me is, "Why is this side of me only able to find expression en femme?" Couldn't it be possible to give free rein to this aspect of my personality and still remain a man (albeit a "sensitive" man, as Anita said). Maybe that's part of the answer right there; I don't want to generalize, but many women I've met say they wish for a sensitive man but, when we get down to the nitty-gritty, it seems such a man is never "enough" of a man for them.

Hmmmm, I'm still working on this one. I'm starting to think that a lot of women are just as much in the dark and confused about what they really want in a partner as are most men I know. It's not easy being a crossdresser in a time where the issue of the "masculine condition" has become a subject of academic and popular interest. What does it mean to be a man these days? Is this a question crossdressers, by their own brand of special insight, are equipped to better answer than most men? Or is it the opposite? Hmmmm.

Love,
CJ

[SharonRose]

Cj,

Maybe we should not focus on being a good man or a good woman, but instead being a good human being.

The roles of males and females in our society is still evolving. Hopefully society will grow more accepting of these differences,a nd not everyone will have to fit into the same cookie-cutter mold.

Sharon Rose

[Anita]

Sharon, I'm still working on those "locked away" parts. Some of them seemed to be related to childhood, and they were SO repressed (by punishment, anger, so on) that it took an extreme effort to rescue them, you might say.

I mean, as a man, I've done bodywork therapies, talk therapies, and spiritual groups of various kinds, and none of these things uncovered some of the basic parts of my world as Anita. I could only experience them when I ready, and that was at 49.

That whole "sensitive man" issue is a real nest of thorns, CJ. In my 30s I tended to try to downplay it, because I saw that women only wanted a little of it before they lost interest. At that time, I didn't mind "revving up" my male aggressiveness to keep things lively. It worked for me.

In my mid-40s, I had a wonderful girlfriend, who really liked the blend that I had come up with by that time. But I saw the limits of being a sensitive man while I was with her. There was something more I needed to express, and it was not available to me in that mode. That, and I got tired of being aggressive--it just didn't seem to fit as well as I got older.
A

[CJ]

Hi all,

Sharon,

You wrote: Maybe we should not focus on being a good man or a good woman, but instead being a good human being.

As you well know, I agree wholeheartedly. But here's the rub: although, I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that my feminine side does make me a better person, a better human being, society (as it currently stands) would rather I not express it in the way I feel I need to. My desire to nurture my goodness (hopefully to the benefit not only of myself but also to those around me) is quelled because of the way our culture so narrowly frames permissible gender expressions.

I had an interesting chat with Beauty once about the necessity of our having some regard for how others see us as individuals. I want to say (and actually have done so often), "to hell with you all--I just gotta be me!" But that makes for a lonely existence. I'm a person who needs people; I grew up in an emotional wasteland, but I don't want to be buried in one, you know? So I try to be as sensitive as I can (and I do sometimes fail) regarding the needs and desires of others. We cannot see ourselves completely, I think, without taking into account the "reflection" those around us throw back our way. Even when strong and assured within ourselves, it nevertheless remains that we are all each other's mirrors.

The trick (and I, for one, haven't quite yet mastered it) is to find the mythical balance between my twinned gender identities--my many selves, if you will--so that who I am (whether man or woman or both or neither) doesn't too much rub those I love the wrong way. Unlike some of my more politically active sisters, I think I can more easily become a better human being by working on myself rather than by trying to force society to "see" me as a good person, whether it wants to or not. This isn't defeatism; I do try to educate and enlighten when and where I can, but on a much more local scale. And I do have a lot of respect for those who have the strength and the personality to tackle social injustice head on. But it's not for me.

Right now, I'm in a space where I enjoy who I am; I had to go through much toil and trouble to get there (like many of the fine folks on this forum). And I remain absolutely resolute in seeing myself as a good person, rather than merely as a good man or a good woman... even though almost everyone I know sees only the good man. It's this very dissonance that makes me grit my teeth sometimes, but I can't say I need to lay the blame anywhere for this; social mores change but slowly. However, I know I can influence society at large simply by holding fast to who I am... a good human being ever seeking a bettered soul, a bettered spirit, a bettered heart, a bettered mind. This, regardless of what kind of body, what sort of "skin," I choose to show the world at large. I say all this fully realizing that people generally interact with you differently depending on whether you're a man or a woman. This is the thing we need to get past. But, boy, is that gonna take a while or what?

Anita,

Yes, I hear you; the "sensitive man" is a concept that, for many (both women and men), looks good on paper but has trouble taking off in "real" life. Up here (in French), we call him l'homme rose--the pink man (and it's not in any derogatory sense; it's just a way of referring to such men). Does my indwelling femininity make me a pink man? Maybe so. But, in my case anyway, this sensitivity seems to attract women who are much more comfortable with the idea of being my friend than with being my partner, my girlfriend, my SO. I'm okay with that. Most of my friends are, indeed, women (wonderful women, I should add). But Platonic relationships only carry you so far... I need to be touched and held and feel sexually fulfilled, like anyone else. Oh well, all in good time, I guess. In the meantime, this pink man won't be holding back the dark, sultry woman within.

Love,
Christina

[Laura]

Hi all,

I love this thread. It is sooo interesting and full of provocative thoughts. Like Anita, I came to the conclusion after years of inner work (therapy, group work, etc.) that I couldn't actualize many of the feminine attributes that I felt were just below the surface without giving free reign to my beautiful and precious alter ego, Laura. As Laura I am so much freer to be spontaneous and to connect with people. But I also find that once I do this my larger personality has a greater "pool of behaviors" to draw upon, and I am better able to integrate these little breakthroughs. One day, when talking to a student I kind of "channeled" Laura's energy into the conversation. It felt very satisfying. It may be that synthesizing these qualities into my everyday--more masculine--existence can create the kind of balance necessary to live more satisfying existence all the time. Lately, I've been viewing myself as a composite of three characters: the old me, Laura, and a synthesis of the two.

The thing about women not liking sensitive men, may be true for most women (who knows for sure?), but we'll never get anywhere trying to be what we're not. I feel that if we plant ourselves on our own ground and drink of its nutrients, the right "significant other" will come along. I found it easy to play the aggressive "type" for a long time while playing down the qualities in Laura, and it didn't bring me happiness. On the other hand, there is a kind of aggressiveness or assertiveness that is very compatible with the feminine.

One more point: I think one of the most important qualities that may come out of the crucible that is the transgendered experience is integrity (not hiding one's "shadow" side, striving to be whole, and trying to behave consistently with one's personal code [because we realize that we can't take society's code at face value]). I think both genders find a man who lives with with integrity attractive.

Love,

Laura (and her man)

[CJ]

Gee, Laura, need we say anything more? Seriously, that, my dear, was a most excellent post! What you say about the dialectics of your gender identity rings so true--I recognize it within myself also. Same goes for your thoughts on integrity. Thanks for sharing.

Love,
CJ

[Beauty]

I agree with you Laura,

This is a great thread.

Anita and Sharon thanks for sharing what it's like to go out dressed and what it feels like to be treated differently.

I remember when I went out, but I was so afraid that I can't recall much other than the freedom. I got scared when I passed a Taxi Cab company and men came running out whistling. It was scary because I thought someone was going to approach me, but they just did the cat calls.

Hmmm... ok, I do have stuff to add afterall.

I felt that men were rather threatening. When I went out to a restaurant the men would just stare. Men who were sitting with other women were also gazing at me when their wives were looking away. It's VERY intimidating. Why did I look back? Because I kept thinking, "Am I imagining this? Oh, ok, I'm imagining this. No, I'm not he just winked at me." I was sitting by a window and men would just stop outside the window and do things that weren't polite.

I also felt jealousy from my roommate's girlfriend. She saw me in the elevator next to her boyfriend and flamed on. My roomate was like, "IT'S (insert my drabbe name)" .. she turned red and apologized. Until that event I'd never felt like I was going to be beaten up by a gal before, but I thought she was going to jump me. lol (just kidding) but she did apologize because she is a jealous person and hates to see any woman she doesn't know with her boyfriend.

After my experience I never gawked at women again thinking, "Oh she'll get that I'm interested in her." That's not what I thought. I was thinking, "Is this guy going to follow me and stab me in an alley?" It was very scary. So if you gawk, you might want to stop.

When I got into a cab to go back to my car a couple of men in their cars did almost break their necks looking. My girl-friend at the time was totally into it and laughing her arse off.

There also was one incident when we tried to merge into a lane. Lots of people wouldn't let us in because we were two girls instead of me being able to give an intimidating stare and edge my way in. That was interesting.

My ex-girlfriend, after the night was over asked, "So how does it feel now to be treated like a woman." I was kind of speechless.

Ok, that's by two bits.

Beauty

[Laura]

Hi Beauty:

I loved your message. You must be very beautiful!! I guess if I was on your shoes (heels), I'd feel very proud that I could attract so many looks from men. There's real power that women can get from good looks. But, I also can identify with your fear of being attacked or even accosted. My only question is what were you wearing?

Love,

Laura

[Anita]

Yes, the replies are all very interesting here. CJ, that's a funny expression--'pink man." I'm happy to hear it's not derogatory. Here's to the dark, sultry pink one!

Laura, I've "channeled" Anita, too, and it does seem to have a beneficial effect. I do agree that my femme self seems to have a larger pool of behavior to draw on. That's why I get concerned at times that it will eventually become easier to be her fulltime. I try to live here/now as much as I can, and not worry about where I'm going with this.

Beauty, it's very disconcerting at first when men start looking at you. I've found that even if straight men know or suspect that I'm not "real," they still appreciate my appearance. That's not something that most people want to acknowledge, but I think it's true. The look of a woman stirs up our DNA, and we really don't have much control over that. When I look at other T-girls, I see women, too, and it's not just because I'm a CD.

As someone said, assertiveness doesn't go out the window just because I'm out as a woman. I do find that I can't use my normal male aggressiveness at all--it just doesn't "work" for me. I also can't use my physical size and appearance to back men off. This surprised me at first, but I came to realize that they see a tall "woman," and they aren't threatened by this. Your concerns about safety aren't excessive, Beauty.
However, for the most part I haven't encountered any harassment that I couldn't handle out there.

I just feel too vulnerable to be a good fighter in that mode, especially if I'm in a dress and/or heels. I found myself bantering more with men who are trying to bother me, and that's what I've seen women do. I also ignore them, which works as a woman. It would not work as well as a man. These little differences are all part of the learning curve out there.
A

[CJ]

From one who knows first-hand: No, Beauty's concerns about safety are not excessive.

CJ

[Jadhe]

Now while I have nothing to add to this thread, I loved to read what you girlies had written. Now don't let this thread die! Keep on talking!