Crossdressers-Haven.com

When I came out to my wife (and therapist and myself, really!) some 8 years ago I began to notice a pattern to my life. I would seem to slowly travel along a spectrum of two completely autonomous worlds.

In the first world I would view my gender issue as a very real and accepted part of me. I would be completely at home thinking and feeling my feminine side. And of course, I would crossdress.

In the second world I would go on with life pretty much as before, but no integration of my female feelings. In fact, the very existense of this female side seems foreign and not part of me at all when I am in this phase. I often find myself thinking how strange it was last week when I thought this female stuff was a real part of me. I also crossdress in this world, just not as frequently. And it is almost like sleepwalking, no acknowledgement of the act.

It feels like a struggle sometimes but I know in my heart that I will come back to the first world and inevitably I do. I try not to make judgements on which is better or right for me and follow my feelings. Whatever is right at the time is right. At the time.

I guess in a sense, before I came out I was always in the second world, where I would not acknowledge my female self.

Does anyone else experience this sort of personal dichotomy? The whole thing feels wierd, but I am not cowed by wierdness anymore. I just sometimes wonder who the hell I am!

Thank you for starting this thread Mary Jane.

Yes I have struggled with the same issues that you have described. I am personally impressed that you are taking responsibility for at least some of this situation that you have found yourself in. I have not heard anyone talk of it in this way here before.

You are right we don’t need society to tell us that something does not add up. Most of us start at a very young age before anyone tells us that it is wrong. The very fact that boys and girls have a different wardrobe sends this signal. I did not need anyone to tell me that society viewed this as being wrong.

I believe that a lot of the problem for this struggle is a direct result of that. I voluntarily cross-dressed in secret from the beginning. By doing so I reinforced that message, I then owned that message. It became one of the lies that I believed. I believe it is that very thing that sets the stage for a lot of the struggle we go through as adults.

Love,
Darlene.

Hi Jane,

I've absolutely felt that way. To exist I feel you should have the worlds intertwine slowly until they can live as one in peace. If you don't the confusion and angst you feel will become unmanageable and you may make a decision that you made of frustration and not your true feelings

Because it's easier to destroy things than build it would be a much better idea if you didn't say or do anything when you are frustrated.

I know you're not alone with these feelings. Like Darlene said, I'm glad you started this thread.

Beauty