Intuition and letting go

[Elizabeth]

Hi girls,

Over the last 15 months many of you have seen me go from admitting to being a crossdresser to a suicide attempt, a bitter divorce, a custody struggle for my kids, coming out of the closet, becoming a full time crossdresser, meeting and falling in love with Raven(SO), marrying Raven and really living as the person I felt I am/was on the inside.

Everyone who knows me says it is obvious how much happier I am now. Recently my oldest son told me how nice it is for him to hear me laughing again.

But all through this I have had this nagging conflict that defied resolution. That being a conflict of my gender within my own mind. Being genetically male, arousal is inherently a masculine thing. But my state of transgenderedness, most notibly my beleif that I am emotionally and intellectually female, caused a conflict. No matter what I felt personally, the actual sex act made be beleive I had to be in my "male role" for my partner to be satisfied.

Now I don't mean to imply this is a recent developement, I felt this way in my previous marriage also. So it has always been just another pressure to be masculine. Indeed, as crazy as this sounds, I resented being emasculated. I enjoyed the physical imtimacy, but resented that I was not being myself to do it.

Then it dawned on me. I could just be myself. I did not have to comform to any masculine stereotypical behavior. Doing so did not make me masculine. I could use the plumbing I have with my true inner emotion and feelings of love to make my partner feel as good as I possibly can, and just be me.

Since I accepted this premise I have noticed, as has Raven, that we have reached this new level of closeness that has made the intimate part of our relationship better in every regard.

It was very hard to let go of my preconceived notions about how I had to think and act. But I am learning one of the wonderful things about GG's, as all men know, they will make decisions that defy reason and logic because they are based not on a set of facts, but on how they "feel" about something.

Thier intuition. And for us men ignoring the facts and trusting our feelings is like walking under a low awning and not jumping up to slap it. But that his how I was able to come to this realization. I had to ignore what I thought I knew, and trust my feelings.

So my challenge to all of you is to some time in the near future, make a decision based entirely on intuition. Trust your instincts. I beleive the results will be a positive experience. I can't wait to hear the stories from those of you who either have already done this or those who may give it a try.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Darla]

i think you are a very brave woman to be doing all what you just said, one of the bravest women i've ever talked to

[Loretta Ann]

Hi Elizabeth,

I call listening to ones feelings listening to ones inner voice that occasionally tells me among other things that something is not as it should be, or not as it is being presented.
That often happens when something is not right but I can not put my finger on what it is. I have referred to such things as being a flag. Since the time I was put in a place that I had to look at myself. That inner voice (which is just a feeling) has never failed to be true. It is well worth listening to.

In January of 2004 I had one of those feelings, and I listened closely to it, and watched as closely as I could. I have recently found out why my inner voice was telling me what it was. But this time I am not kicking myself in the butt like I used to do. This time I have learned from it. Because I paid particular attention to it; and willingly moved out of my comfort zone.

If you think I am being vague, or private about this you are right. I have chosen not to confront it as I feel it is better in this situation just to move on, as it is not worth burning any bridges over.

That is one experience: Another is that when I dress up if I listen to my inner voice (about what to wear) and obey it I am never let down. I always enjoy it. If I don’t it is not as good.

[Virginia]

Elizabeth,
You remind me of a Star Trek series. I don't know if you are familiar with it but a brief overview is the Dr. Uh? Crusher I think has her son on board the Enterprise his name I think was Leslie. Anyway the story was that Leslie was "discovered" by a character called "the Traveller" to have undiscovered abilities far beyond those of "normal" humans and "the Traveller" began to teach Leslie how to use those abilites and as best I can remember, Leslie evolves into something/someone with the ability to become a form of almost pure energy and to do only good in that form. You, to me, are a kin to Leslie as you seem to have transsended our "humble plain of existenance." Like some Yoga how has actually learned to levitate and exceed the laws of gravity and physics!
To say I am awed and humbled and amazed and dare I say shocked by your transformation is the best I can come up with in my limited ability to express myself at having been a part of your amazing journey! I can only hope you will continue to share with us and now lead those of us who sometimes seemingly blindly pursue this path you have set forth for us!
May God or "the Traveller" or whomever continue to shead their blessings on you and Raven and that you continue to find your way to Eden!
Love you,
Virginia

[Elizabeth]

Hi girls,

Darlene,

For you it is your inner voice. But I am still not sure we are talking about the same thing. My inner voice tends to be quite practical at times and is not influenced by my instinctual feelings. I have spent a lifetime learning to ignore my feelings about things and do the logical, practical "right thing", as if there were only one right thing to do and all I had to do was to figure it out.

What I am talking about not looking at things practical at all. Not even considering if something is practical, logical or even right, but instead answer my emotions about it. Satisfy my gut feelings and damn the consequences. It is most difficult to do, but it can be extremely rewarding IMHO. Are we talking about the same thing?

Virginia,

I am a huge Star Trek TNG fan and the boy's name is Wesley Crusher and the episode you speak of is called "The Traveler". In one of the later episodes Wesley does transcend the normal concepts of space and time and joins the Traveler.

In many ways I have transcended my old life and let go of the artificial restraints that were stunting my growth as a human being. But by no means have I mastered this and find myself in all sorts of delema's all the time. I too find your transformation equally remarkable. It seems it was just yesterday we were on different sides of the "baby steps" approach which I do not support and feel your views have changed in this regard also, although I may be wrong about that.

None the less, I see you beginning to live your life as you see fit. I have seen the new you emerge. You are not bitter and angry but instead seem joyous and full of life. Good luck on your Magical Mystery Tour.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Loretta Ann]

Hi Elizabeth,

I think we are speaking about the same thing although I am not so sure we see it the same way. What are feelings if they are not part of your inner self? If you listen to your inner feelings is not that a voice of some sort? I mean it is telling you something is it not?

In the first example in my post above there was nothing practical about it because I could not put my finger on what it was. What I saw did not add up It did not make sense. My inner voice (which was right) protected me from experiencing negative results even though I participated in the exchange with this particular individual. So it did not reach the stage where I had to say damn the results in order to benefit. Others benefited also as a result, but apparently not that particular individual. I doubt that person even is aware of this. And I am not about to attempt to enlighten him/her. I have chosen instead to (with draw my support) and let future circumstances do the confronting.

Also my inner feelings (emotions) have changed over the years. At one time (for example) I would have teared up at the sight of those suffering in New Orleans. Instead my flood gates opened up when I watched the video of supplies on the army trucks entering that city.

Another time I remember tearing up was when I realized that you were on the right path that would lead you out of hell you were in. I get very emotional (and rejoice) when I see the kind of compassion that leads to relief for the suffering. I do not shed a tear or rejoice when I see or hear of some one suffering. But I was not always like that.

[Beauty]

Hi Darlene,

I know I probably shouldn't say this because it'll sound like I'm singling you out, but you are so deep. They mystery around who you are and why you are the way you are adds to it maybe, but sheesh. You are so deep.

I can't figure out from post to post what you're going to say or what you're going to think, or the way you'll react (this post included), but I don't care really. I just love that you're telling us more about you even if it's sort of cryptic for me, I'm still getting it more and more.

Thanks for telling us how you think about. That was pretty amazing. I wonder if I'm like that (what you described above) or I want to be? I don't know or really super care. I was just wow'd by that post because of you.

Beauty

[Loretta Ann]

Hi Beauty,

If being deep means or translates into being free, then I would not want it any other way. Most people are controlled by their emotions. In my opinion the degree that they are prevents them from being self controlled. Those who are controlled by their emotions are in actual fact controlled by other circumstances and/or people.

For example if I choose to post something that will upset someone (internally). I can consume much of their time, as they will struggle with it until they can find some way of becoming free of it. Those kinds of people spend most of their time responding (reacting) to circumstances as opposed to focusing on their own needs, or the (healthy) needs of others.

A good example of this is the recent response of the governor of LA. When asked what she had planned next. And she responded that she was going to ask for a day of prayer. I don’t for one minute believe that she is not a loving caring individual. But I believe she was loaded down with so much emotional baggage that she was rendered dysfunctional, unable to respond in a manner that her position required. And when she is publicly exposed to the camera in the way she was it can be a very cruel experience, which placed her way out of her comfort zone.

Life is full of circumstances that can put some ones life on hold (if they allow that to happen). One can become so (emotionally) involved in someone else’s problem/s that they lose sleep, and are unable to concentrate on their daily requirements. It can certainly render one dysfunctional.

Due to the fact; that my emotions do not control me. (re I do not shed a tear or rejoice when I see or hear of some one suffering). Sets me free to choose how I will respond to different posts and/or circumstances. And probably accounts for you being unable to figure out from post to post what I am going to say or what I am going to think, or the way I will respond.

Those who are predictable do not have the luxury of not being controlled by their emotions IMO. Being free from this also allows me the choice of where and with whom I will be predictable, even with those I maintain my right to do something unpredictable.

[Beauty]

Hey Darlene,

Yeah, maybe it's the free stuff? I'll be honest. When you explain why for some reason it's not as deep. What I mean in your last post I was like, "Naaaa.. that's not it" the first sentence was the closest to maybe why. Maybe it's the freedom stuff. I don't want it explained as much as I just wanted to express how cool I thought it was to see.

Maybe it's just something that happens.

I really appreciate you taking time out to try to explain it to me. I was just wow'd by the last post that I felt compelled to post what I was feeling.

Beauty

[Loretta Ann]

Maybe it's just something that happens.

Yes Beauty….for me it was just something that happened. One day I suddenly began realizing that I was no longer (negatively) affected by many of the things that used to control me. It was a result of part of my therapy if you will. It came as a result of walking with my higher power. It is a place where my (professionally qualified) therapist told me I would one day reach.

[Elizabeth]

Hi girls,

Darlene,

If being deep means or translates into being free, then I would not want it any other way. Most people are controlled by their emotions. In my opinion the degree that they are prevents them from being self controlled. Those who are controlled by their emotions are in actual fact controlled by other circumstances and/or people.

I used to feel the same. The entire point of this thread was to point out that even though the non-emotional decision is most likely the best choice, ouor humanity including our emotions are an intergal part of what we are as humans. To ignore this part of ourselves is to lose something.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Loretta Ann]

The entire point of this thread was to point out that even though the non-emotional decision is most likely the best choice, ouor humanity including our emotions are an intergal part of what we are as humans. To ignore this part of ourselves is to lose something.

Elizabeth,

I think that to state that one can ignore their emotions is taking a quite an assumed leap if you will. I personally have never met anyone who has been given that luxury. You can stuff them, repress them, etc. But that does not free one from being controlled by them. In fact quite the opposite is true. That kind of activity has been the root cause of much of the problems many of us have had to face.

I am not sure we are on the same page with this one. Anything that I have lost as a result of being free, anyone is more than welcome to grab a hold of. The only price they will pay is the hidden cost attached.

That is the very reason why some have left this forum. That is the very reason why we need moderators and an administrator. That is the very reason for the hot topic area. Some folk are unable to participate in that area due the simple fact that their emotions (control them) to the point that it will get them into trouble. For some it is something they can not handle.

[Absaroka]

Elizabeth I am very happy for you and that was a great topic and post. In particlular I liked the part about not being defined by gender.

Sometimes there have been things I have just intuitivelly known were right. Some of those when I thought about them later rationally they were still right. Sometimes we just know. And I personally think that if we are fairly well integrated within ourselves that there will not be that much of a disconnect between our rational and emotional sides.


On the other hand sometimes my gut feelings are 180 degrees wrong. So I have a bunch of simple questions to ask myself. WIll my actions hurt anyone, including me? What are my motives? Could I comfortably explain this to people who I respect? How would I feel if the kids knew I did this? And always, what were my motives?

Here's an example of intuitive rightness. Often here I have read posts from people who have a lot of trouble accepting their own cding. And deep in my heart I just know that the Creator loves us and accepts us all. That cding and the gender/sexual stuff is not the most important thing about us, or even a minorly important thing about us. THe important thing is how have we treated other people. Have we treated them as we would like to be treated? That is important. So my heart wants to just say to them that it will be okay, you are who you are and just love and accept yourself. This is a real gut level feeling.

Now bad intuitive. Some years ago my daughter felt very mistreated by some friends. The usual verbal abuse of nasty kids. They made up a few days later. However later that first night I knew deep in my heart that the kids walking down the street might be the ones who had tormented her. And that the right thing to do, the thing that would bring peace to us and justice for my daughter, the thing that would make everything right again, would be to attack these kids who perhaps might be the ones who bothered her, but more likely were total strangers but still (without knowing anything about them) were probably creepy kids with attitudes, with an ax handle, beat their brains out and leave them unable to ever do anything cruel to anyone again, just on the chance that they might be the sort of people that the world is better off without. It felt so right.

Thank God it didn't happen. The next day I felt dirty and unclean from the residue of my anger. All without having laid a finger on anyone. It was the incident that prompted me to resume therapy, which was a rational and thought out decision.

So I guess I am saying it isn't very simple. Sometimes my gut is right. Sometimes my gut is wrong. Sometimes my intellect is right. Some times it is wrong.

Andrea

[Cathy L. Anderson]

Hi Elizabeth,

Thanks for your post . You raise some really good issues.

May I suggest a distinction between (1) feeling and (2) intuition --both being differeng from thinking? Feelings are the domain of the heart. Intuitions are different.

Being strongly thinking-oriented, I have struggled to pay more attention to feeling and intuition. I have tried to intentionally make decisions using feeling and intuition. But then this seemed like flip-flopping between relying solely on logic vs. not using logic at all. Eventually I decided to seek the middle ground--to make decisions that involved feeling, intuition AND thinking.

My working hypothesis right now is that thinking and reason have a role in discerning genuine feelings from imaginary or erroneous ones.

Cathy

[Absaroka]

Cathy that makes sense both at a rational and intuitive level.

Andrea