An Update on Maggie's Journey
Posted: Thu Sep 08, 2005 10:28 am
During the past month or two I have been sorting things out in my life and work. This has included my recognition of the physical and emotional abuse that I suffered in early childhood (which I previously wrote about), and the anxiety, stress, emptiness, and self-loathing it has continually caused me as a male. Only as a woman have I been able to enjoy the euphoria of feeling complete, genuine, relaxed, free, and self-loving.
I accept the idea (told to me this summer by a very gifted spiritual healer) that my male and female sides are a balanced 50-50, and that my soul, radiance, love, and positive energy all reside in my female side. My task, she told me, was to invest my male side with the same positive things. But up until recently, these energies have been blocked from my male side. For the past 2 or 3 years, this blockage has seriously interfered with my work, which requires an great deal of masculine aggressiveness.
Fortunately, these blocks are now gradually being removed. I am feeling much happier about myself as a man, more aggressive, and more interested in my work. I am also involved in rehearsing a male role for community theater (although a female role might have been more fun). For all these reasons, much more of my positive psychic energy is going into my male persona.
Nevertheless, I did enjoy the opportunity to express my feminine self over the Labor Day weekend, during which I spent the better part of two days as a woman while my wife was out of town. I travelled en femme to a neighboring state, where I shopped, attended a TG support group meeting, went to a bar with a CD friend, went to church the next morning, ate in restaurants, browsed through an antique mall and other shops, admired myself in mirrors, had extended conversations with shopkeepers and others, and mingled with the weekend crowds in two touristy towns.
I feel very blessed (and surprised) that I am able to pass convincingly as a woman. Otherwise I probably wouldn't continue. I'm not satisfied just to crossdress in private. My enjoyment does not come from the clothes, but from my overall personification of a woman. As an actor, I have worked to perfect my female performance in regard to appearance, voice, movement, and affect - although much this may come naturally.
Now I am also happy that I am able to enjoy my male side almost equally as well. I will now be devoting most of my attention to liberating and empowering my masculine side - but without denying or repressing the other half.
I accept the idea (told to me this summer by a very gifted spiritual healer) that my male and female sides are a balanced 50-50, and that my soul, radiance, love, and positive energy all reside in my female side. My task, she told me, was to invest my male side with the same positive things. But up until recently, these energies have been blocked from my male side. For the past 2 or 3 years, this blockage has seriously interfered with my work, which requires an great deal of masculine aggressiveness.
Fortunately, these blocks are now gradually being removed. I am feeling much happier about myself as a man, more aggressive, and more interested in my work. I am also involved in rehearsing a male role for community theater (although a female role might have been more fun). For all these reasons, much more of my positive psychic energy is going into my male persona.
Nevertheless, I did enjoy the opportunity to express my feminine self over the Labor Day weekend, during which I spent the better part of two days as a woman while my wife was out of town. I travelled en femme to a neighboring state, where I shopped, attended a TG support group meeting, went to a bar with a CD friend, went to church the next morning, ate in restaurants, browsed through an antique mall and other shops, admired myself in mirrors, had extended conversations with shopkeepers and others, and mingled with the weekend crowds in two touristy towns.
I feel very blessed (and surprised) that I am able to pass convincingly as a woman. Otherwise I probably wouldn't continue. I'm not satisfied just to crossdress in private. My enjoyment does not come from the clothes, but from my overall personification of a woman. As an actor, I have worked to perfect my female performance in regard to appearance, voice, movement, and affect - although much this may come naturally.
Now I am also happy that I am able to enjoy my male side almost equally as well. I will now be devoting most of my attention to liberating and empowering my masculine side - but without denying or repressing the other half.
I'm really surprised that you're surprised how well you pass. Every time and I mean every time I look at your avatar I only see a woman. I don't see any semblance of male traits. I'm glad you went out and enjoyed yourself and that it was fulfilling and fun.