Communications and Family Interests

[Danielle La Belle]

With the family knowing about me and several friends, I have observed that only one person, a sister-in-law, has asked me about being TG. That is, she wanted me to be more specific and explain. Everyone else has just shrugged their shoulders and moved on. It has been about 3 years now that the majority know about me.

I guess I thought that the original decision to tell people would generate some type of responce in the way of interest. That family would be concerned and ask questions, I know I would. But, just the opposite. No inquiries. Perhaps if I said that I had cancer and was about to die or some other tragic consequence was about to befall me I may have received some inquiries.

Perhaps this is really good. No one has really winced any eye in my direction on the subject. As if to say, "oh how nice, does it come in colors?" Well sort 'a duh!

But no! Not even a "gee" came out of it. My sister-in-law that talks to me regularly lives in North Carolina and she is going through a divorce with my brother-in-law and so she needs me right now to talk with her at length through email mostly.

I am a little disappointed that others would not take an interest in me as I have done for them over the years. Have we all become so self-centered that even family members are really not very important any more?

Hugs

Danielle Marie

[Anita]

Hi Danielle--
I have observed the same thing. To me, I've come to see my femme self as part of my "family." So when people don't ask about how that part of my life is going, it doesn't feel good. I pointed it out to one ex-girlfriend, who is a mother. "If a friend spent a few hours with you and never asked you how your son is doing, you'd feel slighted." Well, I do too, but it's just not something I feel like telling people.

My family did ask about it all when I first told them, but since then it's a dead issue. It is not something that is comfortable to talk about, is all I can assume. Maybe they feel I'll be offended if they bring it up, or--they just don't know how I'll take it if they bring it up. I can understand why they'd be confused. There's no social standard for how you talk or inquire about someone else's second self. We're all in the dark, CDs and friends/family alike.

[DonnaT]

Just curious Danielle, do you think you would be able to get to Roanoke this Saturday (9/10/05) and visit our sister Virginia? I'm working on getting there and I'm sure those of us here tat are making plans to go would love to meet you.

[Sallee]

Hi Danielle
Do you think people are kind of scared to ask about it. Kind of like not noticing someone with a wine stain birthmark on their face.
they would like to ask but don't want to offend and don't want to seem ignorant about CDing so they just don't ask. I am surprised no one as said gee my great Aunt Bill was a crossdresser or somehing similar...Sallee

[Beauty]

Hi Danielle,

I'm sorry that people aren't asking about a side of you that's just as important as asking about your health.

Does the whole family know? Do they think maybe it's a rumor and you haven't confirmed it or have you been very clear that you're a CD'r?

Again I'm really sorry.

Beauty

[Danielle La Belle]

Hello Girlfriends:

I would like to say, "do not feel sorry for me." I have accepted the fact that this seems to be not so unusual among family members. I was interested in finding out if others had the same reaction. I have sent appropriate photos to everyone on my family list with some moderately in-depth descritptions and explanations. That was to break the ice and let them know I am willing to talk about it freely.

Most seem to just say, "well okay now." Little inquiry perhaps since they may have gone to a link that I provided them to read about our different personality traits. A "primer" if you will on TG issues. After that, little was said or corresponded.

My interest is purely on a social science level. I am interested in seeing just how far this goes throughout current society. Perhaps with the advent of so much negative news etc., people have just become familiar with a variety of diffferent events. A person was lying dead on a sidewalk in a major US city and people just walked by. With all the cell phones, clearly you would think that someone would have called for help.

People seem to have become rather cold toward one another and we are no exception any more. No harm, no foul. But, no inquiry, or interest in one another any more. No one in the family has judged me either way. It is as if I have just become a distant person that they seem to remember. Out of the social family loop. I live in Florida and the majority are in the upstate New York area.

Thank you one and all. About Virginia, I am unable to attend as one might expect, running my own business, I rarely leave the area as clients expect me to be available 24/7/365. Part of the business, I rarely if ever leave Florida unless on business or to further my education on behalf of my contract work at the University.

Hugs

Danielle Marie

[Virginia]

Hi Danielle,
My soon to be "ex" wife and her family are as strange about me as anyone. Of course my wife's primary reason for seeking a divorce is as her attorney expressed it " his Insane behavior!" Her brother's initial reaction was "If her hurts my sister I will kill him." Her father, a retired minister, dresses as a woman every holloween since I have known him ( 27 years). I mean full. "battle dress= wig, make-up, dress, shoes" and when I pointed this out the immediate reaction was "but that is just once a year." My response was, "how many times does it take?" I know my sister-in-law and her two daughters know, but I never see them so I have no idea what they think. My daughter was a bit shocked and my son-in-law commented that perhaps I should not be around my two grandchildren. I pointed out that this comment came from an institutionalized drug addict! He now says he thinks he has a feminine side too, he is just able to repress it. For what it is worth, my grandchildren ages 2 & 3, I do not dress around them, nor do I have the desire to do so. My daughter, like most GG's, I don't think likes it, but she accepts it, supports me to the point of recommending that I look into starting a "Night Club"/Caberet style dinner theater here in Roanoke.
Hope this helps your reseach.
You know that I always look forward to hearing from you!!
Virginia

[Elizabeth]

Hi Danielle,

I am not so sure that it's that no one has anything to say, I suspect they don't know what to say. To be politically correct, accepting, unbigoted person, it should not make a difference that you crossdress. Many may feel it is not thier place to discuss it, unless you bring it up. It would be like asking a person about being a minority or of a certain religion that they happen to be.

Also, one of the things I have promoted, because I beleive it to be true, is that once a person says "look, it's a crossdresser", there is not a lot a person can add to it, other than thier position on it. People can discuss among themselves disapproval, but I doubt they will discuss it with you and many who may feel approval may be reluctant to say so fearing you may quote them as being supportive.

I would generally consider the lack of dialog to be a good thing. The only real quetion I have been asked by those who are supportive of me is, "Why?", which I don't have an answer for anyway.

Glad to see you post, btw. Don't be a stranger.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Danielle La Belle]

One of the most interesting classes I ever engaged in, discussed the concept of social communications. That is for lack of a better explanation, the many different responses that come from just one question; "why not?"

Children often use this strategy when they want to get something that has been denied to them. "Can I have a cookie?" No. "Why not?" Because. "Because why?" No need to go further on this line.

So I started to think about what Elizabeth just posted. "I would generally consider the lack of dialog to be a good thing. The only real quetion I have been asked by those who are supportive of me is, "Why?", which I don't have an answer for anyway".

Perhaps this is where the "why not" can be applied. We can safely go in two directions. Pro or con. In pro we could list the many reasons supporting her choice to crossdress. The same in the con consideration. We all know many of these answers.

So perhaps from what I have read so far, it shows that there could be many different answers to why people that know me, do not ask about my choice. I still find it interesting that they would ask about my choice of career or automobile or even "male" dress. But not about something that is such a taboo such as CD'ing. They too will ask about my sex life or about other personal things depending how close they are to me, but not about the cd'ing thingy.

Too personal? Too controversial? Too borderline? Too ---Too...?
In a day where there seems to be nothing that we cannot do or show on television and the movies, this cd'ing thingy is too something.

Perhaps it falls into the great canyon we call mental health and mental illness. Just perhaps. Or perhaps, it comes to close to the line that we use to pick a mate. To identify with whom we date and romance. Like going into the boys shower room, one would never look in the wrong direction for fear of being "tagged" with an unspeakable brand. Eye contact, eye contact.

Hugs

Danielle Marie

[Rikki]

Danielle,
My personal yet limited observation of this comes from last Halloween when I dressed to the max and had a party with my friends and neighbors. Believe me, there was a mix of reaction even though the guests only considered my dressing as a costume. the ladies loved that I had allowed myself to be vulnerable and were fascinated by what I was wearing. The men, however, avoided looking at me and when I would walk up in my heels and full skirt, press my chest against them and give them a hug, I could feel their fear or apprehension to be near me.

I think all men have that little question deep in the psyche, "would I wear that? how would it feel?" 'Admitting that one even has that thought scares the crap out of most men. And be damned if we men should have such a sissy curiosity.

Logically, fear of being labelled, humiliated, and punished for doing something quite different is a consideration for most. But like climbing mountains or winning bike races 7 times requires stepping beyond the bounds of rational thought. Sadly the step in our direction only has internal rewards, however small they are. But I'm glad I took my first little step.

Ciao, rr

[Danielle La Belle]

Rikki:

"The men, however, avoided looking at me and when I would walk up in my heels and full skirt, press my chest against them and give them a hug, I could feel their fear or apprehension to be near me."

Perhaps those "men" did not want to appear enjoying themselves too much, ya know what I mean girlfriend. Forget wanting to wear the dress as the idea. Bingo! Shock and awe!

Hugs

Danielle Marie

[Stephanie H]

Danielle
"I guess I thought that the original decision to tell people would generate some type of responce in the way of interest. That family would be concerned and ask questions, I know I would"
Danielle, I also had the same thought that when I came out to my sister, she would have asked questions of interest, but she did not. Her only question was if I were gay. I explained to her that I was not and never did have the desire to be with a male. After the initial conversation, I visited my sister weekly to help her and we had some conversation with me initiating it about crossdressing over several vists, each time with me asking if she would like to meet her other sister, there was only silence. It was not until about a month into these vists, that I finally dressed and she was able to meet me. It was while dressed, that conversation finally came out.
Why to I do it.
How long etc.
How did you learn to apply your makeup, learn to walk, move you hands etc.
In each case, I answered the questions directly, and even offered additional information such as where I go when dressed, where I shop etc.
It was at this moment, that we both decided that we needed a milk shake and went out to the local McDonalds drive in for one. My sister was not ready to go into the store with me. She did comment that in time, she will learn to go out with me to the grocery store clothing etc. Hoping that additional conversations will develop. I will let you know. Will be seeing her next week.

[Danielle La Belle]

An observation:

A photograph with flash, is usually taken in 1/125th of a second. Yes, some 35mm cameras, digital or film based will take the same picture with a syncronized flash speed of 1/60th of a second. My point: disregarding the flash syncronization speed, the picture is still taken as a point of interest. Two people walk down the street on the same side of the sidewalk only seconds apart. If both are recorded and compared, there are obvious differences between the two events.

One sister accepts, another rejects. It is my observation that we will never know exactly why one does and one does not. The variables are uncalculable. No math outside of "chaos theory" might even come close to defining this mystery of human behavior. They are lifes events in a flash of time. Perhaps at different speeds, none the less, they were taken and recorded even if only as a mental snapshot.

How often are events repeated? As often as rain drops fall from the sky. Over and over. Physical events, some recorded, some just completed with no notice.

I hope to hear about your adventures with your sister as they unfold Stephanie. I think everyone would like to read about your story as well. If you decide to post elsewhere be sure to email me so that I can follow.

Hugs

Danielle Marie
An active observer of lifes events...

[Stephanie W]

Danielle

I think we all harbour a deep yearning to be appreciated and loved for who we are. Coming out to certain people in our lives who are close to us is usually a well thought out process of weighing up the pros and cons and whether we feel this person will be accepting.

When we finally get to the point of telling someone, we are waiting for the 'reaction' and when it appears supportive, we have an inherent desire to want to spill our innermost feelings about it to that person close to us. If they are responsive, we're on our way and are excited to pour our hearts out. It's an example of our gender euphoria. With a spouse or g/f, we have a lot more emotional investment in the relationship and will spend as much time answering questions for as long as our partners are happy to listen.

Now when we come out to that person and we get a slightly different reaction, in that they 'appear' supportive and seem OK with the news, we naturally stand eager to bombard them with the whys and wherefores (even though we don't always have the answers ourselves) or we're just looking forward to the opportunity to 'talk it up' with them. Now if that person doesn't respond as we're hoping, then there's that sinking feeling of disappointment, kind of like throwing a party and no one showing up.

I think we have a hard time reconciling with someone who appears supportive but has no real questions for us. How can that be? This is especially true if it's someone we care about. My own thoughts on that situation is that these folks are perhaps not as 'truly' supportive, as they say they are, at least not yet. It's because they are important to us that we've chosen to share something very personal about ourselves, and in turn, they aren't likely to want to offend us with any perception of non acceptance, so instead opt to just offer the supportive role without really knowing how they will follow through.

Obviously, different people will react in different ways and some will need more time to comprehend what they have just been told than others. Others may never really understand. Whichever it is, as I said, they certainly won't want to offend you, hence their deafening silence. (How does the old saying go...If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all?)

Perhaps as I said, they may not be truly supportive, but it could also be that they simply may not WANT to know any more. Too much information thank you!

I had experience with that myself when I came out to a GG friend of my wife's. She's been a close friend of both of us for a number of years and when my wife told her, she couldn't believe it. When I saw her next, we discussed it briefly and she told me while she thought it strange, she was totally cool about it. There I was chomping at the bit to unload on her and looking forward to endless discussions (well, at least one or two), but except for the odd mention (usually in fun) it never happened. In the three years she has known, she has yet to ask to see a picture of me or even initiate a discussion. She is one of the coolest gals I know but this just hasn't been a subject that has come up in conversation unless I bring it up myself. Sure, I've felt disappointment but she tells me she really is OK with it but just doesn't think about it.

So what is one to think? Perhaps she really is OK with it as she says or is she choosing the 'outta sight outta mind' approach? As mentioned, my belief is in the latter, but something else to keep in mind, KNOWING and SEEING are two completely different things. Perhaps there is a fear that seeing (a picture) might change her opinion of me. Perhaps that also shows she cares enough not to want to change anything. Who knows? Only time will tell. So Danielle, my advice is to just leave them alone. If they want to ask questions, they will and you'll be ready. If they don't, that's OK too, even though it does gnaw away at us sometimes. As I said in the beginning, our 'disappointment' is borne more out of our desire to be loved for who we are and finding acceptance from our family and friends, is something we seek with all the fervour we can muster. That also shows we've reached a level of acceptance within ourselves, and in time, that may start to rub off on those around us. When it does, I'm sure they'll be ready to ask those questions.

Stephanie

[Anita]

That's a well-thought out post, Stephanie, and I tend to agree with it. Having been in several different businesses, including music, I know how people act when they're interested in a subject. How they act when they feel they have something at stake. This includes romantic relationships, too. I find that the people around me are remarkablely consistent in how they act when they're involved in what you're talking about. So when I've lost their interest, I know it, and I can't talk myself out of it very easily. "Oh, they were just tired," or "Maybe they didn't hear me," or...on and on. Trying to rationalize it, and I already know.

I can see a glimmer of understanding of your wife's friend. My family and male friends are OK knowing, but that's as far as it goes. They want nothing to do with seeing, at all. Women friends are more curious, and maybe it's because it does touch on areas of interest to them; after all, we're recreating our version of the world that they live in all the time.