Crossdressers-Haven.com

Boy... where to begin. This past Saturday night I went to a party and got toasted *badly*. I don't think I've had that much to drink since college. Anyway, during my drunken stupor I decided to send an e-mail to a girl-friend that has no clue about my crossdressing... I haven't even hinted anything to her about it. In fact, I haven't known her for very long at all. Anyway, in this e-mail I told her that I'm a crossdresser. We've never exchanged e-mails before, so to her it may be a bit vague who the e-mail is from (the reply "name" on my e-mail is my first name and last initial, which narrows it down somewhat. However, any account could be set up to say anything). The long and short of it is I have no idea how she would react to such news. She may think crossdressing is horrible, or she may be okay with the idea. Either way, it's way too early in our friendship for me to have told her.

My concern is whom she might tell about this e-mail, and what she might say. I'm married and have a family, a very successful and very public company, and she's someone who is also well-known in our community. How stupid could I be, right?

I'm almost tempted to make the first move and call her. But what do I say? What if she hasn't even gotten the e-mail yet? If she's seen it, do I tell her some drunk buddies of mine were sending prank e-mails to folks on my contact list? The e-mail to her was somewhat personalized, but not terribly so... nothing someone couldn't have figured out.

What is it about crossdressing and our need to be accepted? WHY must we have the desire for people to know this about us and be okay with it? WHY? Anyway, my wife does know about my CDing and is very supportive and fine with it. However, we both draw the line about who knows for obvious reasons. She'd kill me if she found out what I've done. I could really, really use some help and advice here. Thanks!

Brittany,
I am posting this just to let you know that I have read your thread. In my current frame of mind, it is probably best that I not react, you see I am going to court Wednesday - divorce after 28 years - because I came out to my wife who could not accept it. Hopefully I will be able to write more about this later. I will say this, life is short, we have a wonderful gift, I can't tell you how to accept it or use it but don't be embarrassed by it!
Virginia

we want to be accepted because that is who we really are. That part of it is simple.

I'm assuming that girlfriend means friend who is a girl. Otherwise you may suddenly have far bigger problems to worry about.

As for what to do I would think that you should wait and see what she says and if she brings it up tell her calmly that you like to keep these things private. Hopefully she will not abuse the power you have suddenly given her.

Andrea

Definitely a girl-friend! No worries there :-)

Well, she replied to my e-mail and we've corresponded back and forth a few times. I didn't mention what I told her at all--I just mentioned getting together for lunch which she responded that "she'd love to". It looks like lunch next Friday.

It still bothers me how much crossdressing can sometimes overwhelm your life and make you do some not-so-smart things. I'm the epitomy of self-control typically, but this side of my life sometimes takes me by the horns and leads me down some questionable paths. I'm not terribly concerned nor scared for me personally... I'm mainyl concerned for my family and what it may do to them. I never want to be the cause of pain for anyone, but much less those closest to me.

If she's a good friend, ask her not to spread the email you sent around. You should be ready for a frank discussion.

Let her you aren't embarassed by being a CD, just that you'd like to keep it private.

Hi Brittany:
Glad your e-mail problem seems to be settling down.

I had a slightly similar thing happen to me. In writing it down, seeing my first line, I decided it shoud be in verse:
so, here goes:

I shot an e-mail into the air
intended for my gg fair.
It talked about cd episodes
in the lightest shade of codes,
and other things as well,
loosely described as personal.
The next day I was at a loss,
for I received a reply from my boss.
"Is this yours," the cold print read,
"Oh my," I twittered, "I'm surely dead."
I entered her office so tiptoe timidly,
not knowing how to explain my dim-witted-E.
"Don't worry," she said, with stoic composure,
which was a great way to say "closure.'

Hope realizing that you're not the only dimwit in the world cheers u up,

luv,
eva

LOL! Very, very cute :-) Thank you all for your support in this matter.

My friend went out of town for the rest of the week but was very kind in her responses. I'll be sure and let everyone know what happens in the end.

This, of course, isn't the first time I've broken the news to a friend. It's just that this is the first time I've *ever* done it so soon. Not only does it possibly burden the person since I'm clueless as to her views on the subject, but I haven't qualified her "trustworthiness". Yes--you can never truly know how trustworthy someone is, but some people make themselves easily seen as the person not to tell.

Oh well... looks like I'll be waiting a little over a week for any semblence of closure. At least it will give me ample time ot prepare!

Brittany wrote:Oh well... looks like I'll be waiting a little over a week for any semblence of closure.

I hope it works out okay--I think it probably will.

But if I were you I would go out of my way to apologize to the woman and let her know you realize you were inappropriate. Then I would not mention it again with her. For example,

"Dear ..., I want you to know that I'm really sorry about what happened. I really had far too much to drink, but I know that's no excuse. I want you to know that even though I have this little 'pecadillo,' it is really just a small part of my life, an issue that I'm gradually working through. I'm not gay, I'm completely faithful to my wife, and even though I have a 'female side,' I'm still 100% male. I guess at some level I see this as part of the mystery of maleness and femaleness that nobody really seems to understand completely."

It concerns me when you say you have done this before. I think its a bad idea in general. It's not the kind of thing other people want to know about, it has large potential for problems, and, in the final analysis, another person knowing you CD doesn't help you.

Learn a lesson from this! You should admit that you tend to have poor judgment in this regard. Next time you feel like sharing your 'secret,' why not come to the forum first for advice?

One advantage of seeing a counselor is that you can share this with another person without it causing any problems.

Cathy

In part Brittany wrote:.
Not only does it possibly burden the person since I'm clueless as to her views on the subject, but I haven't qualified her "trustworthiness". Yes--you can never truly know how trustworthy someone is, but some people make themselves easily seen as the person not to tell.

Well Britany,

I would be one of those who would make it very clear that I would not be one who you could trust. In fact I would go out of my way to do that. Not that I feel I am not one who could be trusted, but that I have enough burdens of my own to deal with without dealing with yours also.

By sharing that kind of stuff with others (outside of your mate) benefits who? Definitely not the person you are telling. Unless you are willing to let the world know...keep it to yourself, other wise you are laying a burden on your friend that they may not wish to bear.

Loretta--

In this case I agree with you that it is a possibility. At the same time, however, I disagree with your statement in general.

I have several friends who know about this part of me, and it has deepened our friendship immeasurably. However, the process is much more involved than what occurred in this situation. Typically, I come to know them, their attitudes on several issues, and develop a very close friendship before ever sharing this side of me with them. To date, I've never had a bad experience. Some are fine with it but never bring it up unless the topic arises for some reason, and some are ecstatic about this part of me, asking all kinds of questions, wanting to go shopping, etc. Thus, the general statement of it "burdening a friend" I feel is vastly incorrect. It depends on the friend.

Unfortunately in this case I jumped from point "a" to point "z". Something I *never* would have done in my right mind. As a result, it leaves me in a state of concern for what may be thought, said, and any actions that may take place as a result.

I think the biggest lesson to be learned here isn't necessarily that you tell no one in your life (how horrible would that be!?!?), but to be cautious and be in your right mind when/if you choose to do so.

Britany,

You are certainly free to disagree. However

Loretta wrote: Unless you are willing to let the world know...keep it to yourself, other wise you are laying a burden on your friend that they may not wish to bear.

I happen to be one of those kind of people, Sharing a Burden is one thing, Sharing something that requires one to keep it secret is quite another. The net is a good place to share secretes as we are all anonymous here. So there is no reason not to tell someone. If that is important to anyone.

Loretta--

Thank you for all of your responses, and I appreciate you honesty and you opinion on this matter. In fact, I think you are spot-on in many ways. In this situation, you're absolutely correct... I have done every single thing you've mentioned, and they're all things I would have never done in my right mind.

I have numerous friends who likely wouldn't be very comfortable knowing about my CDing. Many of them probably wouldn't stop being my friend, but it's an image of me they probably wouldn't want to have to paint. CDing isn't mainstream, and many in the world still see it as wrong to do. At the same time, there are many, many people who are just fine with it, and many more that find it fascinating.

I think I'm trying to say that you seem to sell people short to some degree. As I mentioned before, all of the friends I've chosen to tell have been terrific about this side of me, and I have yet to find that one of them has broken their confidence about this part of me. Yes--there is always the risk that you might misjudge someone. But... that liklihood drops significantly if you come to know this person over several years, and you can also be assured of their reaction to your CDing during that period.

Anyway, there's no question I made a major faux pas in this situation--this is why I posted here for help. But to make a sweeping generalization that you can never tell or trust anyone seems so bleak and depressing, and certainly doesn't give much hope to many people who come to these forums looking for hope and encouragement.

In the end, this is how I see it. I've been with my wife for over 15 years (9 years dating and 6 years of marriage). I'm a faithful husband, a terrific father and fortunately a very successful businessman. I contribute more than just my business to my community--there's not a soul in my County who wouldn't recognize my name due to my involvement politically as well as many volunteer organizations. I have been a very charitable person over the years, and am kind to everyone regardless of their race, economic status, political affiliation, etc., etc., etc. So... if this side of me ever got out and someone judged me harshly, why should I hang my head in shame? I'm not ready to be "found out", but if forced into the position I wouldn't cower. I would even dare to say that being a CD has made me a better person. I know there's something about me I hide from others, and it makes me more tolerant. Additionally, knowing that perhaps one day this information may get out, it's made me live a better life and be more kind to others since I'd want to be treated the same way.

Brittany,
Honey you get an A+!!!! We someitmes have to walk that tightrope for everyone's concern. I am just elated to have you say you are proud of who you are and that Brittany has made you a better person. If you read Dr. Anderson' treatis on crossdressers' she confirms what I have always felt that we are a form of human evolution! The ability to adopt both male and female characteristics and to keep them in balance so that the end result is not only greater than the sum of the parts, but that we create a much better person with the feminine characteristics that we admire, empathy, caring, gentleness, love, concern for others. It not only makes us better people, but it enhances the lives of those we come in contact with and you have all ready alluded to that being one of the things that Brittany brings to your life.
Keep the faity, girl! Yes, we are proud of you!
Virginia

Hi Brittany--
I'm glad to read that you wouldn't have a big problem if this side of you came to the light. That's a good attitude to have, with this issue. You've learned some of the lessons that this can teach. I'm much more tolerant of people who have problems with compulsions of any kind, because at times in my CD life this has been compulsive. I'm thankful that it has not remained that way--as time goes on, it has been easier to integrate into daily life.

You ask why we would want to tell about this, and it does seem puzzling at first glance. I realized very early on that I was proud of my femme side, and I did want to talk about her, show pictures of her, and so on. Later I came to see that she was like "family" to me--no one thinks it strange that we show pictures of wives and children. She's also a creative part of my life, and we tend to also like sharing creative projects--writing, artwork, or musical talents. It's unfortunate that CDing seems so extreme that we can be made to feel ashamed of being proud of it.

I saw that if I wanted to share this side of me, I had to create an acceptable way to do it. The only way I could find was to become a performer. People around here do not mind hearing about it, in that context. But even so, I can see that wouldn't work for just anyone, and it wouldn't work in just any community, either. I continue to search for ways in which this can be more acceptable, and it's not an easy challenge.
But since I facilitate a TG support group, I want some answers for the people that come to our meetings.

Hi Brittany,

At first I was like, "Oh no Brittany.. what did you do?" I still feel that way kind of because of you being drunk when you wrote your e-mail, but you handled things very well.

I'm in total agreement with you about telling people about you when you want to. Virginia posted about free will in another thread and that's all life is. Live by your own rules, in this case regarding your gender expression and sharing who you are. The only common rule that I feel we should all share in, is that we be smart, respectful, and compassionate for the feelings of others. I think you illustrated you don't tell everyone. You just tell those who you feel comfy with. That's commendable to me.

You can ask those you've told not to tell, but once you tell someone you know it's out there for them to share it. You're not really putting a heavy burden on them to me. You are just sharing a secret, as I'm sure they've shared some with you. It's an endearing part of a friendship.

I wish you the best with this friend and stand strong in your beliefs. They are good beliefs to me. Oh... well.. not the drunk e-mailing thing though.