The Beginning of Understanding

Jaye · Post by **Jaye** » Wed Jan 25, 2006 6:13 am

I took a little vacation from work last week and drove up to Virginia to visit my parents. Last year I only got up to see them twice, and I'm trying to get better about that. My two visits were in May and November, and during the six months between, I started to more actively explore/express my feminine side. I got my legs waxed, and started shaving other parts of my body. I began to get a manicure/pedicure on a regular basis. I began to incorporate more womens' clothing into my daily wardrobe.

Before my last visit, I tried to tone things down a little. I had the nail tech cut my nails short, and did away with colored polish until I got back. No one noticed (or at least said anything) until the day before I came back, and then all they did was compliment the appearance of my hands.

Flash forward to January. Over the Christmas holiday, I went back to the salon and got an American manicure. If you're not familiar with this, it's like a more natural version of the French manicure. I've liked the look, and had it refreshed on my last visit. I'd barely been there a day this time when Mom said something about it. She made a comment about my "French" manicure, like "How can a man have one of those?" All I did was correct her and dodge the question.

It was unseasonably warm last week, and I went around bare-armed most of the time. The day before I left, she noticed my shaved arms, and put things together. Now that I'm divorced, crossdressing is the only sore spot between us, but her tone was more conciliatory than I've ever heard from her. I tried to explain that I'm tired of hiding the way I feel, or the way I want to dress. She said that she's just worried about me, that she doesn't want my "peculiarities" to hold me back at work or socially. I told her that I wasn't trying to provoke anyone, that I'm just trying to make things my way. We hugged before I left, and she told me to be careful. I told her I would, and I'd keep her updated on things.

Post by **DonnaT** » Wed Jan 25, 2006 8:18 am

Very nice Jaye. Mom's can be understanding and a comfort.

I showed my mom pictures of me. She couldn't believe it was me, but has accepted it. She has even given me a dress, shoes, and earirngs.

Anita · Post by **Anita** » Wed Jan 25, 2006 12:16 pm

Hi Jaye--
That was a good post for me to read right now--someone making adjustments with family. I'm still finding my way through that right now, with friends.

How is your father doing with your visits? Your mother has some understandable worries, about whether you're jeopardizing your career or social life. There's no satisfying answer to that, for others. You are doing what you feel you need to do.

I got a very satisfying email from my youngest sister, appropo of this. She said that she had originally worried about my safety and general well-being, if I was out there being "myself." But five years later, she acknowledges that not only has it not hurt, but I've had success with it that wouldn't have come any other way. That meant a lot, coming from her. I can only hope your mother will find this same gradual realization in your case.

Elizabeth · Post by **Elizabeth** » Wed Jan 25, 2006 1:34 pm

Hi girls,

Every day millions of people take drugs that make them feel better. These drugs have a host of side effects that this server most likely does not have room to include, if one tried to list all the side effects of all the drugs taken daily.

However, no one ever suggests that we "be careful". No one says "hey, taking that drug might make one to tired to drive to work, one could get into an accident or get fired if one misses work.

It seems people are all too willing to interject thier own prejudices and fears when advising us about crossdressing. The problem is, if we are willing to listen, then we could never dress. We have to dress, so we risk all these terrible outcomes, but like most of the drugs we take, the side affects are rare, and do not affect most people.

It is only after others see us living happy lives for long periods of time, that they can concede, even in the smallest degree, that they may have been wrong.

I am against anyone changing anything about themselves, or making any concessions in how they dress, to appease anyone. It turns out that we are unable to passify anyone anyway. At best we get limited acceptance, but even that is rare.

One can never get anyone to accept them as long as they let it be known they will change if they are not accepted. It is not until one says "this is me, take it or leave it" that others stop trying to change us.

I found someone to accept me because I made a decision that I would not settle for any less. It may seem strange to some of you, but I really don't understand how anyone would want to continue a relationship with someone under conditions. I know it happens all the time, I just lost my ability to understand it.

Love always,
Elizabeth

Virginia · Post by **Virginia** » Wed Jan 25, 2006 8:50 pm

Jaye,
I think you are doing it the right way! As we say, "small steps." Donna is right too about mother's - they can be very understanding and open minded if you don't overload them with info. just small steps.
Keep the faith, honey!
Virginia

Jaye · Post by **Jaye** » Thu Jan 26, 2006 5:14 am

Anita - I'm still sounding my dad out on a variety of issues. We've always had an awkward relationship, and not just because of the crossdressing. We have a lot of other interests in common, so we've always got something to talk about, but we hardly ever discuss anything of substance. On the other hand, I can talk to Mom about almost anything. I'm not up to asking her for fashion advice (LOL), but we can talk about most anything else.

Elizabeth - It is exactly that conflict over change that broke up my marriage, among other issues. I got tired of resisting my ex's desire to change me, and she got tired of my resistance. All that fighting drained the energy out of anything else we might've done together. I'm just glad that we pulled the plug before things got really rough. Now that we're divorced, we might actually salvage our old friendship.

Jaye · Post by **Jaye** » Tue May 23, 2006 1:08 am

I posted this original message back in January. I thought about starting another thread, but this one will do just as well.

After weeks of struggle at work, I finally managed to get a weekend off to go visit my parents. As with the last time, there have been changes in my life, and I was hoping to talk to them about it. I was looking for an appropriate moment to start a conversation when Mom pointed out that Dad would be a lot more comfortable if I put some socks on. When I got my manicure/pedicure the week before, I'd had Julie do my toes with OPI's How to Jamaica Million, which is sort of silver.

I pointed out that at least I'd gone back and had the white tips taken off of my manicure, and Mom thanked me.

I went on to tell her about my involvement with Kappa Beta, and my social outings. I showed her some photos from the last meeting, some of which are in the Gallery. Mom wanted to know how I got my face so smooth and hairless-looking, and I explained about Dermablend. She told me she thought my choice of lipstick was too red, and started to tell me about the colors she used.

About then I experienced a Twilight Zone moment. I said this to Mom, and we laughed.

I did most of my talking with Mom, but that's only because Dad doesn't articulate very well. They were both concerned for my safety, and Mom still says that she's afraid that my "proclivities" will hold me back at work. They did say, however, that they'll support me, whatever I decide to do, and that they love me unconditionally. I left Virginia feeling very loved, and I've carried the feeling home with me and back to work.

Anita · Post by **Anita** » Tue May 23, 2006 1:17 am

That's quite something, Jaye. It's a beautiful post.