First time out...ever!

[Jessica_Karen]

Haven't posted for awhile, though I have been following a number of threads lately. That said, I have news I just have to share!

(I'm so excited!) I finally found a TG support group that's close enough for me to actually attend. The meeting is this coming Monday. (third Monday of the month) and Chloe...who moderates the group...has invited me to have supper with her. (Her generosity caught me completely by surprise.) Anyway, I'll change at her place...she promises to help me a bit. I have my outfit picked out, and she has offered to help me with the make up..."less is more," I am told, so I'm going to go very lightly, I think.

I told my wife this was happening. She was (as expected) pretty upset. Wanted to know (among other things) why I would shave off my beard. Claimed it made me attractive as a man. You know...(if you've read any of my other posts) that I try really hard to be understanding, but I'm sorry. I can't remember the last time she found me "attractive."

Besides, and I know that it's hard to explain, but being attractive as a male (or not) is not really what this is about. It's about being who I am. It's not about sex. It's not about who I'm attracted to, or who I want to be attracted to me. (though it would be nice if the person attracted to me was her) It's about gender and about self. About being who I am. Finally.

And I'm sorry if I sound angry...sometimes (like her) I am. Try as she might (and she does try)...despite all out "talks," she just doesn't get it, and I don't think she ever will. She wants me to just "put all this away." I have done. I've tried to do that for 40 years. (Gawd, that sounds awful...like I'm ancient!) But (sadly) it's true. (Putting it away, I mean...not the ancient part) I've tried to "put it away." I shouldn't have, but until the past two or three years I didn't know I had any other options. Sometimes I feel like I threw away 40 years of my life. (Not that good things didn't happen to me during that time. They did.) But 40 years of living as if I had some dreadful dirty secret, when I didn't? I'm not living that way any more. I know she thinks I'm being selfish. I'm not. True, coming out on Monday(to a very small small and select group of friends) is about self, but it's not about being selfish. It's about being okay with myself. And maybe...hopefully...actually being able to be proud of myself. For the first time in my life, seeing myself as a person worthy of being alive. It's not selfish. I'm not buying that "selfish" stuff any more. And I'm not buying the shame.

They put murderers in jail for 25 years and call that a life sentence. I've done my time, and more. Forty years is enough. I don't know what is going to happen when I walk into that meeting on Monday, but I know I will be surrounded by friends. (I just hope I don't ruin it all by bursting into tears.) Well, if I do, they will be tears of joy. Whatever happens, I'm going to be smiling. I'm going to hold my head up high, for the first time. Ever. That's what it's about. It's about pride. And I think we all deserve a little bit of that, don't you?

Love to all,
(I wouldn't be where I am without you!)
Karen

[Anita]

Very moving post, Karen, and I'm always in favor of finding support groups. I value mine highly, and there are many other choices here. But this is the one that works for me.

That'll be exciting, to go out with someone else who has experience in the community. A trusted guide can make a big difference. You may not know this gal, but she's holding a responsible position as moderator, and that's a good reference. Besides, you talked to her, so I imagine you have a feeling for who she is.

[Virginia]

Karen, I agree with my sis Anita, a very moving, from the heart, post. That is what we are here for to allow our sisters like you to find there way. For me all I can say is "been there done that" with the exception that my wife never even tried!!! I do take exception with your surprise over the kindness we seem to extend to one another. I have never met another girl that would not do virtually anything for one of her sisters and as a group -------its even better. If I may, I beleive you said this was your first meeting??? One of the concerns is not so much how you look, but the voice. Everyone just speaks naturally and talks about what is normally discussed. I don't think you will be joining any "out of the ordinary" group of sisters so just relax and enjoy the company - as I have said before "we are nice people!"
One more thing, I know that when Virginia made herself know to me I definitely struggled with her, now I can only say she is the most beautiful thing to ever happen to me. We, Virginia and I, came to that conclusion on a day that she was dressed walked infront of our full length mirror and I swear I heard her ask me, "Honey, I need to know, how important am I to you?" I can not answer that for you, you will have to do that some time evidently in the not to distant future. If you reach that point and you make the decision, I think that a lot of your sisters here would like to know the details,---- good - bad or indifferent!
Love you and keep the faith - you will do just fine!
Virginia

[DonnaT]

Welcome back Karen,

I know about the facial hair thing. I had a mustache for many many years, and when I informed my wife it was coming off for my first time out, she was upset and wondered why I needed to shave it.

I knew that she was using my facial hair as a shield, hopping that if I kept it I wouldn't go out enfemme. She does like how I look without now.

So, if this is your first time, does that mean you didn't make it to Esprit last May? Or did you go, but not dressed?

Also, I remember you mentioned a couple of time about visiting a support group in Vancouver, wasn't it, but you didn't come back an update us on the visit. Did you ever go? Or is this your first time making a meting as well as first time out dressed?

See, curious minds want to know So don't leave us hanging this time, please. Let us know how things went.

Oh, and on the shaving, I suggest doing it as soon as possible before going out. I assume you have a mustache as well as a beard, and let me tell you, when the mustache comes off, the upper lip can be very sensitive. You'll want to get acclimated to being hairless before putting on makeup.

And I'm sure it will be easier, maybe not by much, for your wife to get used to as well, as compared to going out the door with a beard and returning without one.

Good luck with your outing, try to have fun, and just be yourself.

[Carol Ann]

Oh go for it girl, I understand your feeling of surpressing a feeling that needs to come out. I only wish I could find some kind of support group in my area.
I do miss meeting and talking with other sisters, Carol Ann

[Maria]

Hi Karen!

I have been out and about with several support groups for over a year now. When I first came out, I didn't know if I would accepted be others as Maria. I am much more happier with a network of supportive friends who accept me as I am. No one laughed or ridiculed my feminine appearance. Virginia has mentioned the "Magical Mystical Tour" that we take in our journey through life. When you meet others in your group, you will find that you are not alone.

Maria

[Stephanie W]

Karen

Great to hear you've finally found a group in your area. Good luck in your first meeting. I'm sure you'll experience a range of emotions on that day but it will be a new beginning for you. I'm sorry to hear your wife is not supportive but what happens from here on in will no doubt have an impact on your relationship sooner or later. You've been hiding for a long time but I wish you well and hope you can enjoy your new beginning together if that's possible. If not immediately, perhaps later on. Good luck!

Stephanie

[Jessica_Karen]

Okay, I'm officially chastised. (Oops, sorry.) Didn't I tell you that I'd found a support group before? This will be my fourth visit, I think. It's in Victoria...about an hour and three quarters drive from home.

No, I did not get to Esprit last year. I'm sorry if I left you hanging. (When things get nasty at home, it's hard to go online. It just invites more recrimination and abuse. That may be what happened, but it's so long ago, I can't remember exactly why I may have done so.) I do remember telling myself that the reason for not going was primarily financial...but the truth was, the six or eight weeks leading up to Esprit were progressively made more and more unpleasant as the event got nearer. I would not be exaggerating if I characterized her remarks as emotional abuse. She does not want me to go this year, either, but I have already made my reservations, filled out the registration, applied for a big sister...the whole thing. Done. I have every intention of being there this year. My outing in Victoria this coming Monday is part of my mental preparation for Port Angeles.

As to Victoria's gentle chiding about being surprized at Chloe's generosity...I take the point. I know that the transgendered community is tremendously supportive and generous. I have been the recipient of that generosity here, on this forum, more than once. Many times, in fact. (And I am still surprized by it. Maybe because it's such a contrast to what I have become used to elsewhere.) Whatever the reason, please know that I am grateful for it...and I will do everything I can to make Chloe realize that, too.

Love to you all! I'll let you know how things turn out. I may not be able to write it up on Tuesday...it depends on how things are at home...but I won't make you wait long, I promise! (I expect I'll just have to blurt it all out, first chance I get.)..^..

I'll get back to you soon.

Karen

[Jessica_Karen]

Hi, all!

Okay, so here’s the news: last night was a wonderful! Did we expect anything else? (Dinner with Chloe, coaching with my make-up, and then actually out there, in the great outside world! Crossing the street in front of oncoming traffic...headlights on that blond haired lady in the long sweater coat and peasant skirt: me! And then back inside...at the meeting...all those kindred spirits.)

I'm not quite sure what I expected: maybe bells or fireworks or something. A huge fuss and a fluttering about me would have been nice! Well, that didn’t happen. I was just accepted as normal. And maybe that’s the best welcome of all. No big deal: “Hi, Karen. Nice to see you. We missed you last month.” That was all. Kinda nice, now that I think about it. I guess the other thing that stands out today...the day after...was how comfortable I felt with myself. I have been told that people who go to Esprit, even those who have been closeted as I have been, find it surprising how quickly they are able to shift into "girl" mode and how easily and comfortably they are able to stay there. That's exactly how I felt last night. completely at ease...I just felt like I was "me." No labels. No recriminations. No second guessing myself: "What will she think if...?" Simply "me."

It wasn't too hard changing back into "boy" mode when I had to come home. I expected it would be. But, oh, it was hard this morning, knowing I would have to stay there.

My wife didn't say anything when I shaved the face on Sunday. (Though, as I mentioned, there were words the week before, when I told her: mostly aimed at trying to shame me into leaving the beard as it was.) And there was nothing said about going to the meeting dressed. (Though she made sure her silence spoke volumes.) But there were certainly words spoken last night when I got home. She was angry and clearly looking for a fight. (This at 12:30 am, after a long day and a long drive.)

She was upset because my son got up when he heard the car and came out to see me. (The lights were out when I got home, and I assumed people had gone to bed and were asleep by then.) I brought my things into the kitchen, intending to put them away next morning before anyone got up. We hugged, (in the hallway, he didn’t see anything,) and he went back (I thought) into his bedroom. The light was out and the door was closed. I took my bag down the hallway, and he was in the bathroom with the door open. He saw the Staples bag, and asked what I had bought. I told him that I hadn't bought anything. (He would have wanted to see it.) I just told him the truth: that I had a towel and a washcloth in it. Why did I take a towel and a washcloth to a meeting, he asked. Because they only had paper towels at the clubhouse, I lied, and they were hard on my face. Not a very satisfactory explanation, but it was the best I could do, and he left it at that. She, on the other hand, got up out of bed to follow me into the ensuite, then back into the bedroom where she proceeded to lecture me on "what we had agreed to," which was my leaving things in the car until morning.

I'm afraid I wasn't having much of it. I told her that the lights were out. I assumed, logically, that people had gone to bed, and I could discreetly remove things from the car, so he/she could use it in the morning, and I would take her car. (The key for which had been left at my place on the kitchen table, so intentions were clear.) There's not much point in reporting the whole conversation. She was angry...and truth be told, I believe she would have been happy to find any excuse to vent. (She's a great believer in venting, no matter what the cost to anyone else.) We had already agreed not to have these conversations in the bedroom, and not to have them late at night, but this was too good an opportunity to miss, apparently. She thought she could shame me, and so she jumped at the chance. She went on for half an hour or more, but after the first exchange, I'm afraid I simply refused to respond. Apparently it's a bad and shameful thing if I don't do exactly whatever it is that we "agreed to," but it's okay for her. If I were interested in continuing the conversation...I'm not,but if I were...I'd ask her about that little inconsistency. Based on past experience, I'd estimate that would be good for about half an hour of nastiness, and I'm oh, so tired of that.

One of the comments that came across clearly last night was that the life of a trans person was a lonely one. Listening to the people around the table last night, (and reading the forums on-line,) I can certainly see that it's true. It's hard, coming home night after night to a silent house. I know. It's been almost 30 years since I've done that, but I have, and I remember it well, if not fondly. But it's lonely coming home to a harpy, too, who is determined to use every opportunity to tear you down any way she can. I wonder, sometimes, could living alone be that much worse than this? And I wonder, too; what, if anything, is worth saving here?

It was an unhappy ending to an otherwise wonderful evening. And if Chloe will be generous enough to offer me a place to change, yes, I have every intention of dressing for next month’s meeting, too. Despite all, I can still feel the glow.

So there. As Walter Cronkite used to say at the end of his newscasts: “And that’s the way it is. (I'm still dancing!\:D/) Good night.”

Hugs,
Karen

[DonnaT]

Happy to see you finally got out, but sad to hear about the reception at home. Sometimes, if we love our SOs enough, we just have to grin and bear some of the rants.

Heck as accepting or tolerant as my wife seems at times, there are rants tossed in every once in a while. For example, the week before we went on vacation, during vacation and the week after, my wife never saw me in a skirt/blouse. Saturday, I got up dressed sans wig and makeup, and cleaned the kitchen for her. I received no thanks, only a ranting query as to why I needed to dress to when I did the cleaning.

But, I'd rather hear the disapprovals than come home to an empty house.

So, what does your son think about the shave?

[Jessica_Karen]

Hi, Donna,

I know what you mean about the rants. My wife never misses a chance to take a casual shot at this whole CDing thing. She spotted a tiny mole at the corner of my mouth as we sat down to breakfast the other day. (She'd never seen it, I guess, because it had always been covered by the beard.) "You'll have to be careful shaving around that," she warned me. "You could get cancer if you keep irritating it. Just another reason for letting the beard grow back." (She just can't resist. I guess hope springs eternal.)

So you dressed on Saturday and did the cleaning for her. But that wasn't enough, was it? (the cleaning, I mean) What she really wanted was for you to deny your own feelings in consideration of hers. And I dare say you often do, if you're like me. The problem is, when you don't dress, your gift to her is invisible. Unnoticed, it goes by unappreciated...sort of like the cleaning. She only saw that you were dressed. Nothing else mattered in her eyes.

I dress very seldom. I doubt if it would be once a month...and never if she or my son are in the house, or expected home anytime soon. Everything is kept hidden away where she doesn't have to look at it. It's invisible...as is my almost daily denial of my own need. Every day I get up and wish I could dress, even if only for awhile. But I don't. I pretend it doesn't matter. For her. I pretend it doesn't hurt. For her. I say nothing; I keep it all inside. For her. But she doesn't see that. The gift is unnoticed, and as I said before, inevitably, that means it's unappreciated. Instead, like you, I endure the rants...and some of them can be quite nasty. Abusive, even. (Define emotional abuse: remarks intended to demean, shame, or degrade? And what are the long term effects of repeated attacks, do you suppose?)

I'm happy for you if you can "grin and bear it." That suggests there is a real love between the two of you. That will give you the strength to endure the tough times when they come. You know they will eventually get better. But in this household...well, let's just say that I've learned that emotional abuse destroys love, and sometimes trying to rebuild seems like trying to putting the log back together by reassembling the smoke. Oh, and by the way, she sitting just over there with a box of matches...just waiting for a chance to relight.

(Okay, I just realized...I'm ranting. I'll stop now.)

As for my son...he's okay with the shave. He wants me to teach him how. He says his electric razor doesn't shave him close enough. He can still feel the stubble.

(Oh, one last thing I forgot to mention: Monday evening...I met two other TG's who live up island from Victoria, as do I. We have each other's emails, and have promised each other to be in touch. We may even be able to share rides down to our monthly meetings. That would be nice!)

And I really am going to stop now, I promise.

Hugs,
Karen