Crossdressers-Haven.com

As some of you might remember, I have been struggling a long time trying to understand what I am - female impersonator, cross-dresser, transgender, bi-gender, etc. - and to accept the truth about myself, whatever it might be. This struggle has gone on nearly all my life, in fact. I have been discussing this regularly with a counselor for almost three years now (in addition to others I saw many years ago), have received some profound insights from a spiritual healer, have gone to numerous TG support group meetings, and have explored the subject extensively on the Internet.

I have examined my feelings, desires, and cross-dressing throughout my life - which, up to now, I had tried to deny, ignore, or rationalize away. I finally have resigned myself to the fact that this is something basic to my nature that cannot be "corrected" or rationalized away through psychotherapy. I am finally accepting the fact that my life history, cross-dressing behavior, feelings about gender identification, and so many other traits fall into almost exactly the same pattern as countless other male-to-female transgenders. This suggests a permanent, underlying neurological pattern of female identification that was probably formed in the womb.

My life-long attempt to deny and resist my female gender identity has resulted in serious stress, anxiety, self-loathing, and blockage of my energies. In fact, its seems as if my male persona is largely based on my attempts to deny and resist the female within me. It took a recent heart attack to convince me that these negative feelings might literally be the death of me.

Being Maggie relieves all those negative emotions and helps me feel genuine, relaxed, happy, self-loving, productive, warm inside, and "whole" with myself and the Universe. When I am Maggie, I feel as if I am the "real me" and I hate to go back. Even when I am not dressed, just looking at pictures of myself as Maggie helps to calm my anxieties and boost my spirits.

All these considerations, and others too numerous to mention, lead me to the final and inescapable conclusion that, psychologically, I am Maggie - a transgendered woman. This is very difficult for my male self to accept, but I see no other choice. All of my other theories and rationalizations have failed to pan out, despite all the effort and years I put into them.

Recently, while trying out a new digital camera, I decided to take a simple, no-frills headshot of myself - the kind used for drivers' licenses, passports, etc. Here it is.



I was impressed at how much better it looked than the photos taken of my male persona. I think it captured the inner strength and self-confidence of myself as a woman. Seeing this picture helped me to finally accept myself as a transgendered woman. This is, indeed, me!

What I can actually do about this is another matter.

Thanks for reading this.

Maggie

Hi Maggie!

I hope there was no serious damage resuting from you heart attack? I believe you are quite correct in your assessment of the effects of strenuous denial of our actual nature on our physical selves. Until I began hormones, I was in a state of mild hypertension for years, even with medication, and finally went through nearly a year of very high blood pressure and eating everything in sight to exacerbate it, skipping Dr. appointments, etc. Basically I ultimately realized, this and a more determined attempt to accidentally die were either a cry for help from the real me, or an actual attempt at a sort of medical suicide to end the conflict I felt for so long. Denial seemed the path of least resistance over most of my life. Though I had lots of trouble sticking to it and my adaptations to "dealing" with it largely didn't work well, I didn't think I felt like other transgender folks. I thought I could just "deal with it". It was a kind of blow to such ego as I had when I knew I was just fooling myself, and I was who I knew I was when I was 4 years old. So, I am familiar with the kind of battle you have fought, and I am glad you are finally finding yourself. As an aside, my blood pressure fell to near normal within a week of starting therapy, and was dead bang normal the day I started hormones and has remained there. I am truly in a different place in my head than I was in 2003, more calm and able to plan for a future life I could not have seen the possibility of then.

I can't say I am surprised at your conclusions. I noted in your early posts that becoming Maggie for your performances seemed to feel like slipping into a comfortable pair of shoes for you. If you haven't done so, I suggest you buy a copy of a book called True Selves for you and your wife, and of course read it--never have found owning a book and not reading it to be particularly effective . You might find it kinda difficult, 'cause it will talk about a lot of people just like you (I did--I kept seeing myself repeated over and over and could at times only read a few pages an evening without having to put it down to stop the tears), but even more importantly, it will present some of the alternatives availble to you and give you and your wife a basis to talk. If your current therapist is not experienced with Gender Dysphoria/Gender Identity Disorder and the Benjamin protocols, then I would recommend finding one who is. That person will not push you into any particular path, but will help you explore the possibilities in view of your priorities. The decision of what you do will remain yours, of course. PM me or email me if you want. I will be glad to talk with you.

All my best to you Maggie.

Love, Carolynn

Maggie,
I have missed you!!!!!!!! I hope that you will completely recover from your heart problem. I have often thought about you and how you were doing. Incidently, the picture is beautiful!!!! I guess I am fortunate in that I reached the conclusion that you did but Virginia took the fast track so to speak. The girls here on this forum were the biggest help to me and I am forever in their debt!!! Remember me saying that one of the first things that I said to my first "counselor?" "I am a crossdresser, do you have a problem with that?" when he said "No!" I then said, "hell, for all I know you may be dressed in women's clothing under that shirt and tie!" He just smiled! I have thought about that recently and I think that that was my first epitany!!! I accepted, outloud. that I have a gift and I recognize it as such!
Maggie, it is a gift!! Love it , cherish it, protect it, enjoy it and most of all share it - not that you recognize it but share how and what it does for you and how it makes you feel inside, all warm and squishy so to speak.
Let Maggie roam free she will return rewards to you beyond your wildest dreams.
I remember reading your struggles and I think all of us go through that. For those of us who do find "the light at the end of the tunnel" all I can say "IT IS WONDERFUL!"
I have to admit I don't know if you feel you will pursue transistion, but if that is what you feel you need to do - go for it, girl! It is a blessing to you that you found yourself. May God continue to shed HER blessings on you and please stay with us and share with us. You have sisters here who are struggling along the same path that you have made and that is what we can do for each other, lend a helping hand to those who come after us. A lot of the "pioneers" have taken a lot of arrows for us. Now it is up to us to reach back and help out our sisters who are coming behind us. Tell our stories and share and support and love and listen this is what we do!
Bless you my sister!
Love,
Virginia

Thank you, Carolynn and Virginia, for your insights and support.

Regarding my heart attack, I am happy to report that I have almost completely recovered, with no significant long-term effects. It was triggered by a specific episode of emotional stress. I regard this as a fortuitous wake-up call. Now I want change my lifestyle, while I have a chance to do so, to avoid a repeat episode or something even worse. This includes abandoning my life-long struggle against accepting my female gender identity.

Transitioning to full-time is not a realistic option for me, since I am happily married to a woman who wants me as a man. (She knows about my crossdressing, but hates it and wants nothing to do with it.) Furthermore, I am too old for SRS, and I have many good things that I can only accomplish through my male persona. What I want and need, at the very least, is an acceptance and validation of my identity as a transgendered woman, and the freedom to express this identity, on a partial but regular basis, without fear, shame, or guilt.

It has been hard enough to convince myself to accept my female identity. It will be a monumental challenge to get my wife and others to accept it as well.

Hi Maggie,

Achieving self acceptance can ease some of the stress we put on ourselves, but when we are married, some of the stress may never go away.

Hopefully your wife will soon come to realize that CDing is something you need to do for continued improvement with your health.

Hi Maggie--
It is good to see you here. I had wondered how you were doing. That is an excellent picture! Your personality comes through strongly when I look at that.

I remember you saying that your job required you to be very aggressive. This can certainly contribute to heart problems, in some people. You talked of changing your lifestyle--is a different approach to your job going to be part of that?

As for the part of your second post about "many good things I can only accomplish through my male persona," well, that's a tough one, and it's tough from either side of the equation, too. I have some good things that can only come from my female side--how much time and energy do I give her to do these things? I can't be both genders at once. In your case, there's also a question of people accepting your femme side, too, which is not a given.

It seems that if you do accept yourself as a transgendered woman, than that identity will also begin to see possibilities and goals that she/you wants to accomplish. I would hope that you can begin to see ways in which "you," in all your ways of being, can begin to accomplish things that you want for yourself.

Hi Maggie,

The self acceptance you show in your post is truly an inspiration even if perhaps you feel it is not all you would like it to be. The idea of remaining a man while becoming in some ways a woman and doing this at least partly out of love for your partner is awe inspiring. I hope you will keep us informed, I find this sort of thing very helpful to me in areas having nothing to do with crossdressing or gender but just in the general area of self acceptance.

Thanks

Absaroka

Hi Maggie,

I'm very glad to hear of your recovery -- both mental and physical. I'm sure we can all use your experience as a lesson of life. We (CDers) seem to be our own worst enemy. In harboring our feelings and only limiting our true nature to come forth and be expressed, we seem to compound the ill effects we are trying to stave off.
Personal growth often comes from ordeals such as this. I'm sorry it took a heart attack to bring it out. I'm very very happy that you are alright. I'll echo Donna's sentiment, I hope your wife will come to realize that this is so etched into our DNA, so much a part of our true makeup (no pun intended) that we can no more remove it than we could our own arm or leg. I've no doubt that that burden is paramount in stress removal.

Health and happiness, with all my love,
Kyra

Hi Maggie,

Maggie wrote:
What I want and need, at the very least, is an acceptance and validation of my identity as a transgendered woman, and the freedom to express this identity, on a partial but regular basis, without fear, shame, or guilt.

Yes!!!!!!!!! I think this is what all trangendered people want. It's the Holy Grail of the transgendered. I beleive if there were a way to express our identity on any regular basis witout fear shame or guilt, it would be published and well documented among our community.

The truth is that acceptance is the first step. This allows us to cast off guilt and shame. However that still leaves practlcal matters such as employment, and the size and type of community we live in. Some work for companies that are sensitive the the needs of transgendered people. Others live in communities, such as mine, where I am generally accepted and don't really have any problems.

But there are those who live in small communities. that are not so accepting, where crossdressing could actually be dangerous to them. Others, probably most, have jobs that would for sure fire them, or make them want to quit, for crossdressing. For most, these are real barriors to "the freedom to express this identity, on a partial but regular basis, without fear, shame, or guilt."

There are others, that put the needs of your SO above your own. This is a very personal decision that each person has to make and it has to do with whether or not one is living one's life for oneself, or for others.

I reccomend Dr Phils book "Self Matters". It totally deals with these issues and in a step by step process, teaches one how to change one's life so you can live for oneself, instead of for others.

It is interesting because it flies in the face of the entire notion of living ones life for others. It does away with the idea of selfishness. The truth is, we are all out for ourselves. Everyone on the planet has thier own person plan for how they intend to get through it.

Naturally when we don't act in the way that others expected, it messes up thier plan. This does not make us selfish. We are entitled to live our lives for ourselves. In my opinion, no one is is either able or likely to make us happy. We must take actions to make ourselves happy. It will not happen by itself.

This means choices. Sometimes, in fact a very lot of the time for us transgendered, this means we must choose between relationships or our true identity.

There are those, that for reasons of thier own personal happiness, have selfishly decided that we may only participate in thier lives, as our male identity. After making this selfish decision, based only on thier happiness, they then tell us that we are selfish for not meeting thier needs, instead of our own.

So we choose. Some choose thier SO happiness over thier own. Others like myself, have decided that the only way we can live is, to live for ourselves. I see it as a simple choice. Our needs or thier needs.

The problem is that. those who choose to not dress for someone elses happiness. are rarely able to keep the promise. Those who are able to keep thier promise, end up hating themselves and miserable. While many of those who choose to fulfill thier own needs, by dressing, usually end up divorcing or splitting up.

The number of women who are able to accept a transgendered man, without condition. as thier husband, seems to be quite small. Most of the sites I visit, including this one, generally promote limiting crossdressing, taking baby steps, and meeting the needs of the SO, to whatever degree can be possible.

The idea is that the crossdresser gets some of what he wants, while the SO is able to put limitations on the crossdressing. In exchange for this limiited acceptance, the crossdresser agrees to limitations that he may or may not be able to keep. As opposed to meeting one's own needs, and compelling one's SO to be responsible for thier own happiness.

My experience in this matter has taught me that when there is a negotiated settlement between crossdresser and SO, where the crossdressers is asked to limit his crossdressing as a condition of continuing the relationship, neither party is happy or fulfilled by such agreements. Results may vary, some limitations apply. Not available in all areas. I stole this disclaimer from someone, but can not remember who.

These are difficult choices we make. Only each person can know what is best for them. Good luck!!!!!!

Love always,
Elizabeth

Maggie wrote: My life-long attempt to deny and resist my female gender identity has resulted in serious stress, anxiety, self-loathing, and blockage of my energies. In fact, its seems as if my male persona is largely based on my attempts to deny and resist the female within me. It took a recent heart attack to convince me that these negative feelings might literally be the death of me.

Being Maggie relieves all those negative emotions and helps me feel genuine, relaxed, happy, self-loving, productive, warm inside, and "whole" with myself and the Universe. When I am Maggie, I feel as if I am the "real me" and I hate to go back. Even when I am not dressed, just looking at pictures of myself as Maggie helps to calm my anxieties and boost my spirits.

Hi Maggie,

A countless number of us in the TG community feel exactly the same way. As easily as any one of us here could merely talk about how "you shouldn't deny yourself the right to express your femme side", I now realize that this is something that many of us need to experience firsthand, no matter how many times we may hear the stories of others.

I'm proud of you. Welcome home, sis!!