An explanation and an apology

CJ · Post by CJ » Mon Feb 27, 2006 9:49 am

Hi all,

Hmmm... where to start? Okay, as some of you may have noticed (and I guess some of you have--I've gotten PM's...thanks!), I've been on the forum only infrequently lately. There are many reasons for this, the main one being that it seems I just don't "do" winter all that well. Those that have come to know me know this to be true. This is something that, by the looks of things, isn't about to change anytime soon.

I was off work for a period of nine weeks in November, December, and January as a result of what I've come to realize was a burn-out on both professional and personal fronts. Again, those who know me also know that when I feel like this, I tend to withdraw rather than reach out. It's just who I am... loner, introspective, philosophically melancholy. This doesn't mean I don't appreciate the friends I've made here. I do. Friendship is a supreme value for me. But there are things about the workings of my own mind that even friendship cannot fix.

I currently find myself unable to muster any enthusiasm at the thought of participating on the forum. After my "gender-shock" experiences in December--the RLE, the therapist, the gender-related discomfort (and discomfiture) of those closest to me--I even find myself unable to muster any enthusiasm for being connected to anything or anyone that has to do with gender at all. 'Christina' has been 'put away'. For the moment, at any rate.

I now recognize that things started going downhill for me after my last visit with my father in July (what a horrible weekend that was!). I'd been working so hard these past few years at building some kind of emotional bridge with this man. It's now clear to me that this was not to be. Then, at about the same time I gave my boss my resignation in late October--and, thankfully, he refused it--my best friend left the country to go work for the U.N. in the Middle East. I knew it was coming but it was still a shock to me. No more philosophical debates, no more 'culture-jamming', no more intellectualizing over frothy cappuccinos while ogling the girls. Sigh. I felt empty. I still feel empty even though I do appreciate the friends that are still very much a part of my life. Same goes for Beauty. She was so much a part of my emotional world for so long that there are no fitting tributes I can think of to convey just how profound an effect she had--and continues to have--on me. When she left the forum in early December, I was crushed. Her journey is taking her to places I cannot follow. I miss her and she knows it, however infrequently we now chat.

I guess I'm lonely and I pine for something more than mere words on a screen or even a voice--however soothing and pleasant and wise--on the other end of a phone line. I want warmth. I want touching. These aren't options in a long-distance world. Many of you here have been saying this for the past couple of years, I know, and I need to put myself out there a bit more. I've been doing just that, lately. I have little energy left at the end of the day... but I go out and try to meet new people (by the way, that would also explain my absences from home on Sunday nights, D.--sorry).

I'd told Sharon, upon the news of her illness, that I'd try to do the best I could to "pick up the administrative slack," so to speak. Turns out the best I could is nowhere near good enough, the way I'm feeling these days. I'm sorry if I'm letting you down but my own wounds (such as they are) need some tending to right now. I'll catch you in the spring.

Curly, Jadeanne, Silver Lady,

Thanks for the messages. I hope health and happiness remain your faithful traveling companions and that, along with Donna and Stephanie, you can take good care of this place. It's precious and it's worth it. I hope to talk to you all soon.

Sharon,

Be well, my friend.

Love,
CJ

Absaroka · Post by **Absaroka** » Mon Feb 27, 2006 12:12 pm

I'm glad to hear from you CJ. I had wondered a bit at the lack of posts but we stay away for so many reasons. I myself have felt less interest in being here but I still like to visit sometimes. Nothing having to do with anyone here. Just where I'm at.

I agree completely about the need for real life interactions. You have had some real losses and need to address that.

It's nice to hear from you regardless. We can have all sorts of philosophical debates here too you know.

Keep in touch. I think you contribute a great deal to these forums in many ways and that you have probably been helpful to a great many people here.

Absaroka

Lorna · Post by **Lorna** » Mon Feb 27, 2006 12:35 pm

Hi CJ,

I’m so sorry you’re having such a rough time these days. Winter tends to do that to a lot of people. I too feel more lethargic & listless this time of year. I hope that you are getting out more & interacting face to face because you’re right… sometimes words typed onto a screen just isn’t enough.

But in the event that you do feel like popping in & posting, we’ll all be here for you! Hope to hear from you soon…

~ Lorna

Gelinda · Post by **Gelinda** » Mon Feb 27, 2006 8:27 pm

CJ:

The world not rosey at all. I have been in the same mode as you for a long time myself. After my father died my world died, you still have your father at least. I have been fighting my father a long time also so I knew the feeling. I found my center finally in God and have been saved. My confusion is still there but in another way. Only in time will tell. CJ you have been there for so many and you always know what to say. Well I am not that way with words that is. I wish I knew what to say to you as you have to me in the past. I truly do. This cd world has been dead for me since my fathers death. Everything has been.

I wish I could be a positive person. I am when I am thinking of the Lord only. I will pray for you and will have my church do the same. Love always. Gee

Virginia · Post by **Virginia** » Mon Feb 27, 2006 9:44 pm

CJ, CJ, CJ, What is it with winter? I have questioned whether or not to "dump on" my sisters here - the trials and tribulations that I have been facing, I am still considering it. My sisters here you, Beauty (Gracie) who pointed this girl down the right path will forever be in my heart and you know that.
I can also say this, since my wife's illness and what I am having to deal with now all I can say is "Virginia -- I love you!!!" She has gotten me through this "Valley of death!" I can only hope that you - CJ and the rest of my sisters can come to depend on the aspect of themselves that drew them to this place!!!!!! Another way of putting it I guess. is let the woman out and let her roam free - you will be amazed at what she will accomplish for you/with you!!!!!
We are here for you sister so don't be gone long we do indeed miss you and you are needed here!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love ya,
Virginia

SilverLady(SO) · Post by **SilverLady(SO)** » Mon Feb 27, 2006 11:31 pm

CJ - Well, what can I say that my friends above haven't already said? You will be missed - dearly - for I look forward to reading your posts, no matter the subject. Winter does seem to bring out the 'blahs' - and with everything else hitting you around the same time, well, you just need to step back and take care of CJ/Daniel.

We are friends - and I am only a phone call or an email away. You are already missed, my dear friend - don't stay away too long, or the next time you answer the phone it just might be me!

- SL

Violet · Post by **Violet** » Tue Feb 28, 2006 1:24 pm

You cannot let the Worm get you down, CJ. As a chronic depressive I understand and empathise with what you are going through. Sometimes existence can be hell, can't it? Take solace in the thought that life will contain joy again, in time. I send my support to you via chaos rays. Feel better soon; I command thee!

Amelie-Laveau · Post by **Amelie-Laveau** » Wed Mar 01, 2006 5:32 pm

No apology is needed CJ. You do what is best for yourself, the forum will survive, it might not be the same without you but it will move on.

T-girls do have their share of problems and bad times, I know this all too well. I am a loner as you are, I retreat into solitude when I am having difficulties, but being along makes it harder to come out of what bothers you. Try to talk to a friend, not about your situation, just small talk with a friend, don't isolate yourself from the world. It gets really lonley when one has problems,,,too lonely.

Curly(SO) · Post by **Curly(SO)** » Thu Mar 02, 2006 3:25 am

You take good care of yourself, CJ...looking forward to catching up with you in the Spring! (It really is just round the corner

)

Love,
Curly.

KathyB · Post by **KathyB** » Thu Mar 02, 2006 9:21 pm

CJ, always take care of yourself first. I don't visit here as often as I should and often feel guilty for not making the time to stop, read, and comment. Then I realize that so many others have extremely busy lives and there's nothing wrong with being away a while.

Winter blahs have been my constant nemesis for too many years. Daily anti-depressant meds keep me on top of things, but without them winter would be almost impossible. I hope you can keep the faith

that Spring is only several weeks away and remember the days are getting longer and brighter (by about three minutes each day, I believe

)

Your discussion here has been one of the things that kept me coming back, and for that I am most thankful. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers and wish you strength

in these trying times.

Anita · Post by **Anita** » Fri Mar 03, 2006 5:05 am

Hi CJ--
The explanation is certainly welcome, but no apologies are necessary. I'll look forward to seeing you again in the spring. You've done many things for this forum in the past, and you can rest for the moment.

Kay(SO) · Post by **Kay(SO)** » Fri Mar 03, 2006 10:12 am

CJ,

Three things... I too tend to isolate when I'm not feeling right, besides I always like to "fix" it myself and THEN tell people about it.

Accepting where you are is half the battle.

And I miss Beauty too. More than she'll ever know at times.

I've been gone as well but actually due to good stuff happening. New job, my family is finally really healing and beautifully, my marriage has been renewed through a great couples therapist that we see now, and after a major breast cancer scare, all is well and life is (finally) good for me once again. I'm sorry that you are struggling right now honey. You know everyone will be right here when you're ready, want to or need to talk. Much love and hugs,

God, I miss ya'll here!

Kay(SO)

Post by **DonnaT** » Fri Mar 03, 2006 8:21 pm

Welcome back Kay.

Jessica_Karen · Post by **Jessica_Karen** » Sun Mar 05, 2006 4:17 pm

Hi, CJ,

I just wanted to echo what so many others have said more eloquently than I can. Life for a T-girl can be a lonely one. Thank goodness for places like this, where we can all sip at the fountain, from time to time. Like all of us, you need some time to heal...and real, face to face, touchable people are what you need. Much as you are loved, here, I am sure you can see from the earlier posts that no one expects you to just keep on giving and giving, when you have already been generous beyond measure.

Heal yourself. Take time. Spring is almost here. (Out here on the West Coast, the daffodils are coming out, and the Japanese plums are already in blossom.) We'll miss you while you are gone, but we will understand, and we all send you our love. We will get by until you return; and then, dear sister, we will welcome you back with grateful hearts and open arms.

Till then, (and still here, thanks, in part, to you),
I am Karen

Charlotte · Post by **Charlotte** » Sun Mar 05, 2006 5:01 pm

CJ; I'm sorry to hear you are feeling down. Sometimes all of us get so wrapped up in our own affairs that we forget other people are hurting too. This is not an easy life we lead. God Bless. I'll be thinking about you.