His exwife threatens to out him

[Georgia(SO)]

I need to remove this message for personal reasons. thanks for your input.

-g(so)

[Carol Ann]

Well I wouldn't worry about online chat printouts, as with most you have a screen name. If she has a photo of him dressed just anwser yes. I believe most men have been dressed up at one time or another by their wife, I know my wife and her sister dressed me a couple of times just for fun. Yes she can raise a stink within the family and that's the point to stress she is just trying to still make waves after 5 years. Good luck and don't panic, Carol Ann

[Anita]

Hi Georgia--
You've pretty much come up with the supportive things. All YOU can do is to keep repeating them, in various ways.

If your SO knows he's not going to give into any demands, then he's at least made that decision. That's out of the way. This is a good position, and the only sane one to take. Even if he did give into some of the demands, the threat would still be there. And there's never a guarantee that the ante won't be upped, and more demands made.

Given that, your SO needs to seriously think about how he would go about telling family and friends. Doing a pre-emptive strike is a gamble, and it's the gamble that he has to consider. Two main reasons:

1) It's the only way he can possibly head off sexually explicit or otherwise embarrassing stuff from being disclosed. Sure, she could still do it, but the leverage she has would be gone, if everyone already knew.

2) From six years of reading forums and talking to CDs online and off, I know that if you're going to be outed, it's much better if you control how it's done. I'm not saying that makes it easier to do, but the damage is worse if people discover it by accident.

Now, I'm not saying this is his only recourse, Georgia, or that he has to do it RIGHT NOW. All I'm suggesting is that he practice what it would be like if he does have to do this in the near future. He can't control her, so he has to find some degree of control within himself.

It took me about eight months to work through how I was going to tell people, and I wasn't under any pressure from outside. But I was under internal pressure, and I didn't have any peace of mind until I got the job done. That's what it all comes down to. Your SO doesn't have peace of mind right now. What will it take to get it back? If he has at least considered the possibility of how he would go about telling everyone, he has another tool in his belt that's ready to use. This is a nasty situation, and I hope both of you can get it resolved soon.

[Laycee]

In my opinion, the best thing you can do for him is to be there for him (which it seems you allready are). Reassuring him that no matter what she may or may not do will change nothing between the two of you. I guess what I am trying to say is just keep doing what you are.

As far as I know, blackmail is kind of illegal and maybe he needs to talk to lawyers. If he has kept some of these e-mails, a lawyer may be able to recommend some type of legal first strike he can make.

Chat logs in court would have to be traced back to the originating computer, which can take lawyers quite some time and lawyers time is money it doesn't sound like she has. And if he's broken no laws, most professionals wouldn't want to take the time anyway.

One other thing to think about is, if she outs him and displays all of this "stuff" she may think she has on him, what is that going to do to her? I honestly don't think the result will benefit her at all. And like you have said, she has shown her cards and won't be able to use them again.

Keep in mind, these are only my opinions and I do hope for the best for the both of you..

[KimberlyS]

Georgia and SO, I feel for you both. What would happen if we were outted. This type of thing is what many of us are afraid of. But to have it hanging over your heads as a threat must be major stress.

My immeadiate thought was call Vito to take her on a long trip. But no I would never do that. So All I can do it wish you the best of luck getting through this.

One thought is to reverse the tables on her and actually come out to some family and friends and tell them she is trying to blackmail him with some pictures of your SO when they were married and the Ex dressed him up in womans clothes because the Ex wanted him to.


Good luck,

KimberlyS-CD

[Elizabeth]

Hi Georgia,

I think you are doing a great job, and I agree with you that his exwife enjoys having this power over him and most likely would not out him, just to keep the control. The only exception would be if he totally ignores her, that could make her out him as a last ditch effort to exert some control over him.

I beleive there are three options. The first option is to make an extortion case against her. It is a crime to blackmail someone for monetary gain. If she has asked for money in exchange for not telling on him, this is a crime. She can go to jail for it. He could meet with her and record her in secret and just call the cops. Of course this means he will be outted.

Second option, the one I favor, and the one Anita mentioned is just outting himself. It will take away her power over him, it will releive his stress, in more ways than just this one thing. However it also has consequences. I don't know what the implications are for his job and ability to make a living, which of course if so important. I know when I was in business my exwife threatened to out me several times to my brother who was also my partner. It would have ruined my business and it did ruin my relationship with my brother. I do beleive like Anita that the internet stuff is not that damning and could be denied or mitigated in several ways.

The last option, and prolly most popular, is to just do nothing other than what you are doing. You are being overtly supportive, you have made it clear you are in it for the long haul and I am sure he finds a lot of comfort in this. My advise in this case is just to keep doing what you are doing. I think your assessment is correct and this is just a control issue.

Good luck,

Love always,
Elizabeth