Karen's thoughts on going to Esprit: the gift of being TG

[Jessica_Karen]

Going to Esprit (or, I imagine, any other similar convention) for the first timer can be overwhelming. There is so much to learn, it takes awhile to begin to sort through everything. Of everything I learned, this seemed to be the most important. It took me by surprise.

People talk about "the gift" of being transgendered. Until I went to Esprit, whenever I heard people talking about this “gift,” I thought, “This is classic compensatory thinking. These people are talking to themselves. They are trying to convince themselves that they can make something positive out of a situation they can’t change.” I have to confess: I was wrong.

Well, what is this “gift,” then? We all think we know what that is, of course: the whole cluster of personality traits that go along with being "feminine:" being gentle, intuitive, artistic, having an appreciation of, and a need for, beauty in our lives, and so on, traits that make us (okay most of us) pretty nice people. It’s a whole set of values. Contrast these with all those testosterone laden "male" values that reflect a male view of the world, a world in which you are one of two things: a winner, or a loser, nothing in between. From childhood, the message is always the same: "Dominate! Suck it up! Show your enemies a stony heart. Emotions are a sign of weakness. (Anger is the one exception because that comes from strength.) Above all, be strong;aa never, ever let anyone see you cry."

God forbid you should reach out and touch someone. God forbid you should ever lose control. God forbid you should ever show your loneliness or pain. Throw the best and gentlest part of you away.

But when I put on the skirt and blouse, I begin to become Karen, and all the rules change. Karen can reach out and touch someone. Karen can (and does) occasionally lose control. And after a lifetime of feeling less and less, after years of learning how to feel nothing, it's wonderful! I have permission to reclaim a part of myself that I was told I had to disown. I feel as if I have come back to life. One of the girls told me I was "radiant." (Can you imagine? Me? Yet when she said it, I knew exactly what she meant, because when I am Karen, I can feel the glow!)

That's the gift of being transgendered. As Karen, I am whole. That’s what I expected to experience at Esprit. What surprised me was the discovery that it's not a gift for me alone.

When I came out to my wife only two and a half years ago, we'd been together for over twenty-eight years. The marriage had been in trouble for a long time, but we'd managed to hang on. As they say, we were "very, very married." Separation would have felt like being torn in two. Despite that, I had come to believe that I was a failure at the one thing that mattered most, my marriage. I could do anything in the world but make her happy. Then two and a half years ago, it seemed the final straw had been dropped; I had discovered that I needed to be Karen, too.

When Esprit was over, I had no idea what reaction I was going to get at home. The house was empty. I would never have traveled home enfemme, if my wife had been home. (She had gone up to Tofino for a wedding. I had come home early so I could join her the next morning.) It was late. I was tired, but I didn't want to go to bed. I wanted to go on being Karen. When the call came, it was Karen who answered the phone.

"How was Esprit?" she asked.

I didn't know how to answer. It wasn't that long ago that we had reached the "don't want to see, don't want to know" stage...and thought that was progress.

I took a deep breath and braced myself. "How much do you want to know?"

"Whatever you want to tell me," she said.

It wasn't easy, but I told her everything. My voice broke when I told her that Esprit was probably the most amazing experience of my life. I told her that Esprit turned the whole notion of being transgendered upside down. I told her that I had discovered Karen was a better person than I was: she knew how to listen. She knew how to love. She knew how to be a friend. Simply put, she knew how to be: kinder, wiser, more vulnerable, and more alive than I had ever been. She was the person I had no idea I knew how to be. That most of all, Karen was filled with joy and love, and that if I could learn to be the person Karen was (and could learn to do it without the skirt,)...then being Karen was a gift for her, too. Through my tears, I told her that Karen had taught me how to love her, and that I loved her more than I could say; more than I had known.

There was a long pause at the other end of the line, then she said, "That's the first time I've ever heard you say that there was anything in all this for me. Up till now, it's always been about you."

She didn't mean it in a hurtful way at all, but it was true.

Being transgendered IS a gift. I learned that in Port Angeles. I finally understand. And best of all, it’s no longer just about me.

Hugs to all. I hope you all have an "Esprit" experience. How wonderful to feel the glow!

Karen

[Georgia(SO)]

Karen,

What a lovely post! Smiles for you...

-georgia(so)

[Trisha]

A welcome post - you put to words much of what I have come to understand about myself in the past year and a bit.
I have opened the closet door, but have not stepped out yet - soon though.

Hugs
Trisha

[Anita]

Karen--
You keep raising the bar higher with these posts. You really captured your feelings about your marriage, and I was right there with you when you answered the phone call..."How much do you want to know?" I had found over the years that people had a hard time with my male self being emotional, and part of that was the anger that was always there.
My friends, and your wife, are not used to a different way of being emotional, but you conveyed it in a way that brought out a lot of emotion in me--I'm happy that your wife got it, too.

[KimberlyS]

Karen, WOW, I read this yesterday with tears in my eyes and did not know how to respond. And this morning I reread it again with tears in my eyes as what you talk about is so exactly me even as a cder. It so puts it together what my wife and I have been working through on our own.

Thank you for posting it.

KimberlyS-CD

[Terri(SO)]

Karen,
You made me cry. I almost didn't read your post because I thought it was about a shopping spree (Esprit is or at least was a clothing store here). I'm very happy for you and especially for your wife. May you both enjoy Karen together!

[Anita]

Hi Karen--
In re-reading your post, I have one thing to add; you can learn how to incorporate more and more of Karen into your life without the skirt. I have no doubt that you can do this, to some degree, so I don't feel that I'm setting up unrealistic expectations.

The degree that we can do it is different for all of us, of course. It doesn't happen all at once. It's all up to you, and the people around you. How much can they handle a "new you," and how fast?"

Looking at it, I can see that I have at least two modes of male behavior now, and in one of them I have a lighter voice, touch people more easily, and I smile a lot more. I still joke and banter with others, but is a gentler form of it, for want of a better word.

I still have these qualities more if I'm dressed, because they feel more appropriate there--people expect them from women, and I'm more comfortable expressing them more fully enfemme. That's just old gender learning that I got in the 50s, and it's to be expected.

I find less and less that I'm willing to put up my shields for the old ways of behaving, unless it's an extreme situation and I need to command attention to stop something RIGHT NOW. That's OK--we all need some version of that from time to time, both ggs and cds.

I certainly had to turn on my windshileld wipers last night--the tears were coming pretty hard.

[Absaroka]

Karen

That was a really wonderful post. I have to confess that I too did not read it at first because I figured it would be another 'I went shopping and then went out dancing with the other girls' type post. Not that there is anything wrong with that and it can be an important part of self acceptance. But I loved the part about your wife saying that finally there could be something in this for her.

Looking forward to hearing about how you have intergrated Karen into everyday life and without a skirt-it's a subject that a great many non CD men struggle with also. But I know a lot of men who have accomplished it.

Absaroka.

[Virginia]

Karen, honey, please don't think I am trying to "steal your thunder," but your post was exactly me when I went to the Southern Comfort Conference in Atlanta two years ago!!!! The only difference is my wife could not, would not, did not and will not accept any aspect of this and we are in the process of ending a 30 year relationship.
Anita and I have a little bit of a head start on you in "incorporating" Karen or in my case Virginia into our daily lives, but let me tell you, let her loose and she will "do her thing for you!!! I know from experience. YES YES YES!!!! it is a GIFT!!!! maybe one of the most beautiful gifts we can be given! Just to sit here, read your post, know that I have "been there done that" with the tears streaming down my face, hoping you never loose that "gift", that you are able to build on it and to be able to share it with your wife and have her find acceptance in it --- it would be awesome. I can only hope you can find that peace!!!!
I have found an SO who accepts me and Virginia. She, like 100% of the GG's that have this "thrust upon them" don't completely understand it, but those that try and discover that as you so sicinctly put it that yes there is something in this for them as well. It can do nothing but add to the strength of the relationship and if nurished and cared for will give both of you a beauty beyond your wildest dreams!
thank you sooooooooooooo much for posting and your eloquence is beautiful!
Love you.
Virginia

[Jeannie]

Great post Karen. I'm happy for you Hon. Hugs


Love
Jeannie