I have to vent y'all. Please be prepared that this may be a major ramble of a post. I have so much to say.
I am hurt, hopeless, sad, angry, relieved, and depressed all at the same time.
I told my wife about my CD desires about 2 months ago. In a nutshell this is what I have heard from her over that time: She would accept this of anyone else, just not her husband...It is a major turn off for her....I am a sex addict (no, I have no other symptoms other than a porn problem I had years ago which is no longer an issue)...I am in denial...She wants me to live in reality and this removes me from reality...Somehow as a child, something became "twisted" in me that I want to do this...This will keep me from what I want spiritually (essentially I resonate mostly with Zen Buddhist teaching as well as humanistic beliefs)...The intimate relationship we were doing so well with has been permanently damaged...I must be hiding other things from her as well...She loves me and this doesn't take away anything else she fells for me..."what are you going to do about it?...
I love this woman with everything in me. We have been together for almost 12 years and I want to grow old with her. She is my best friend and the most incredible lover. Since I told her, 99% of the time there is so much distance between us and I am consumed with figuring out what to do. I vacilate between all of the feelings I listed above. Once in a while I am glad she knows because now there are no secrets. Most of the time, I wish I could take it back because we were doing so well.
I just can't see why we can't just come to a compromise. Why can't I do it alone or even just wear things under my drabs so that she doesn't have to see. Well, her response to this is that then it is just a secret thing I am keeping hidden, just like I used to with porn. She is not okay with that.
She says she wishes she could just be okay with my CDing, but on the other hand she yelled at me the other day that I sound just like an addict. "It is just something I like. It doesn't have to hurt anyone," is what I had said.
I know most here will agree that it doesn't have to hurt anyone. But it is hurting my wife and is it really true that it doesn't hurt me? I have seen articles and posts all over the web that will say crossdressing is a blessing; that it helps us bring out our feminine side. But, my wife's point is that are we looking to something outside of us to bring us this "wholeness." We are, as human beings, connected with the infinite - capable of finding wholeness within. If we cannot live wholly, fully integrated while dressed in male clothing are the clothes we wear really helping us to become whole? Or are we deceived and we are keeping the sides of us separate?
I am not real concerned about being more feminine in terms of "traditional" female characteristics (my login name is not feminine for that reason). The traits that people have commented on most of my life are gentle, nurturing, safe, kind, creative. I am a great listener, I like shopping, I don't care about team sports or aggressive sports more than just casually. I even work in social services with people with disabilities. I am still a big guy though, 6'3" and 225 lbs. Some of my friends have even said that they would be afraid to make me mad, though I haven't hit someone since I was about 10 yrs old. In other words, I don't plan on ever passing as a woman in general society. My primary interest in crossdressing is comfort, softness, and sensuality. However, when I have tried a little makeup, toenail polish, and a bracelet or two, I have found that I do have some deeper desires and things I wish to at least try/experience.
I know that my CDing isn't "wrong." There is no right or wrong in my world. There is only that which helps or hurts, makes concious or unconcious. I am not my mind (to borrow from the mystical spiritual traditions of the world). I am a spiritual, whole, effective, being. Do clothes, makeup, etc. really matter? No. So, then perhaps I should stop permanently as it is hurting my marriage (I have stopped for the moment while I figure this out) and it keeps me from focusing on "reality" 100% of the time.
I want to stop for my wife. There are emotions and beliefs in me that tell me I want to stop for myself as well. And yet, I don't want to stop the feelings I have when I dress. It just plain feels good. That is all.
I went to one counselor. He really didn't dive into my stuff enough for what I wanted. I have an appointment in two weeks with another. Will it help? I hope so. Yet, I don't know what I want from counseling. Do I want to stop and analyze the reasons for CDing so that I can find wholeness in myself. Do I just want to learn to accept it? I feel angry sometimes that I would being spending this time and money when there is nothing "wrong" with me.
I know that the common scientific stance is that nothing can be done to stop the desire to crossdress or make it go away. Also, it is widely accepted that it is not pathological. But, and I know this whole idea could make me unpopular, science isn't always right folks! Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. I have been in the field of psychology for 16 years now and psychology is about the most loose of sciences. Also, does it take into account our ability as human beings to create our reality? No. We are capable of far more than science generally tells us. Those who believe this tend to be the more truly successful people in this world.
I would be happy to hear from you all. But I would really like to hear from those that aren't quite sure that this is all really something we can't stop or believe that we are more capable of controlling our destiny. Please don't argue though folks. I don't need that and I am really not in the mood. I just want to know basically that I am not alone and I want any advice I can get.
Also, would really like to hear from any GGs on what is going on in my marriage. Thanks.
Struggling
Moderators: KimberlyS, CathyAnn
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Colette
- Miss Silver Goddess
- Posts: 43
- Joined: Fri May 19, 2006 3:49 pm
- Location: Colorado Springs, CO
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Lydia
- We Will Never Forget You - Rest in Peace
- Posts: 859
- Joined: Sat Aug 28, 2004 11:43 am
- Location: Sarasota, Florida
Hi Colette,
Your message really got to me, and I wish I could truly help. However, I have a few thoughts that I might pass along to you.
First of all, you came to the right place. You are not alone either with crossdessing or with the marriage problems. Many of us here have had similar situations, and with help here, many have learned to cope. I am sure you will be hearing soon.
Secondly, you have to face the fact that you will always have the crossdressing compulsion, and unless you satisfy it to some degree, you are guaranteed to be miserable. I have been reading the mail here and other similar forums, and this condition is not cureable. It is controllable - barely.
Counselling has helped some of us, especially when the wife is totally unsympathetic. However, the choice of a cousellor is difficult, and the vast majority of marriage advisors and woefully ignorant of the special needs of crossdressers. Unfortunately, many such advisors equate crossdressing with homosexuality, and treat it as such. Big mistake and source of further unhappiness. Some couples have found solace and attained a modus vivendi with the help of others - strangers - in the same boat. You could look into the Tri-Ess organization. Read up on them on the web.
To be blunt, you have essentially two choices: end the relationship, or compromise. If there is a fundamental mutual love and trust, then compromise must be possible. Both sides have to give, and time is needed to implement the compromise. Patience on both sides.
I wish you well, and don't hesitate to pour out your soul here. We shall understand.
Best wishes and hugs,
Lydia
Your message really got to me, and I wish I could truly help. However, I have a few thoughts that I might pass along to you.
First of all, you came to the right place. You are not alone either with crossdessing or with the marriage problems. Many of us here have had similar situations, and with help here, many have learned to cope. I am sure you will be hearing soon.
Secondly, you have to face the fact that you will always have the crossdressing compulsion, and unless you satisfy it to some degree, you are guaranteed to be miserable. I have been reading the mail here and other similar forums, and this condition is not cureable. It is controllable - barely.
Counselling has helped some of us, especially when the wife is totally unsympathetic. However, the choice of a cousellor is difficult, and the vast majority of marriage advisors and woefully ignorant of the special needs of crossdressers. Unfortunately, many such advisors equate crossdressing with homosexuality, and treat it as such. Big mistake and source of further unhappiness. Some couples have found solace and attained a modus vivendi with the help of others - strangers - in the same boat. You could look into the Tri-Ess organization. Read up on them on the web.
To be blunt, you have essentially two choices: end the relationship, or compromise. If there is a fundamental mutual love and trust, then compromise must be possible. Both sides have to give, and time is needed to implement the compromise. Patience on both sides.
I wish you well, and don't hesitate to pour out your soul here. We shall understand.
Best wishes and hugs,
Lydia
"There comes a time ... when you must grasp the bull by the tail and face the situation."
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DonnaT
- Miss Great Goddess
- Posts: 8222
- Joined: Fri Sep 17, 2004 11:04 am
- Location: No. Virginia
Sorry you are struggling so Colette.
I'm from the side that has tried to stop for my wife's sake a few times over the last 30 yrs. One thing I've learned about myself, I can't stop.
Most CDs will tell you they can't stop. Some will tell you they have stopped for a good bit of time, but that doesn't mean it won't come back later.
Point is, we've all been at this far longer than your wife has even thought about crossdressers. She needs to learn more before making blanket statements about the transgendered or about crossdressers. So, here's a site that has a lot of info she should read.
http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd/
For a marriage to last, there should be compromise, not ultimatums. Ultimatums lead to resentment and anger, whether repressed or voiced.
I'm from the side that has tried to stop for my wife's sake a few times over the last 30 yrs. One thing I've learned about myself, I can't stop.
Most CDs will tell you they can't stop. Some will tell you they have stopped for a good bit of time, but that doesn't mean it won't come back later.
Point is, we've all been at this far longer than your wife has even thought about crossdressers. She needs to learn more before making blanket statements about the transgendered or about crossdressers. So, here's a site that has a lot of info she should read.
http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd/
For a marriage to last, there should be compromise, not ultimatums. Ultimatums lead to resentment and anger, whether repressed or voiced.
DonnaT
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Absaroka
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 3344
- Joined: Fri Feb 04, 2005 8:30 am
Hi Colette,
I relate to a lot of what you say in that these are all exactly the things that have made me afraid to tell my wife. I'm afraid that I can't give you a lot of advice on what has worked for me since what worked for me was secretiveness.
I did notice one thing however in your comments about counselling that really struck me. You say that you can't going to counselling because there is nothing wrong with you and as far as the crossdressing is concerned that may well be true. But from your post it would seem that the marriage has a real problem right now. So counselling for the repair of the marriage, be it with you, your wife, or both of you, might well be in order.
It might also be that your wife needs further education. Most folks thing crossdressers are all like stereotypical drag queens because they are the ones who get all the attention. She will need to learn that this is not true.
Here is another perspective. Before I gained weight I wore a lot of my wifes clothes with her blessing. Mostly unisex stuff, tee shirts, bath robes and the like. She still likes to wear my socks for some reason and my daughter likes to wear my flannel shirts. It's a form of affection more than anything else. Perhaps trying to present it in those terms.
Your wife seems to have put you in a double bind. She doesn't want to be faced with it but if you don't tell her you are keeping secrets. A lose-lose situation with the only way out being to truly feel the way she wants you to feel. You can abstain for a while and that may be a good unilateral gesture to open the door to discussion of compromise. It allows you to be in a giving mode. But after that I am at a lose.
By the way I agree strongly with you about this is not about my nurturing side and being more stereotypically feminine. For me a fascination with womens clothing is very heterosexually male. If it wasn't why would women spend so much money on sexy lingerie?
I also question the idea that noone quits for good successfully. It may be rare but there are a lot of people in this world in many varietys. I imagine some people do stop doing this but they are probably not visiting this web site are they?
Good luck and please keep us informed.
Absaroka
I relate to a lot of what you say in that these are all exactly the things that have made me afraid to tell my wife. I'm afraid that I can't give you a lot of advice on what has worked for me since what worked for me was secretiveness.
I did notice one thing however in your comments about counselling that really struck me. You say that you can't going to counselling because there is nothing wrong with you and as far as the crossdressing is concerned that may well be true. But from your post it would seem that the marriage has a real problem right now. So counselling for the repair of the marriage, be it with you, your wife, or both of you, might well be in order.
It might also be that your wife needs further education. Most folks thing crossdressers are all like stereotypical drag queens because they are the ones who get all the attention. She will need to learn that this is not true.
Here is another perspective. Before I gained weight I wore a lot of my wifes clothes with her blessing. Mostly unisex stuff, tee shirts, bath robes and the like. She still likes to wear my socks for some reason and my daughter likes to wear my flannel shirts. It's a form of affection more than anything else. Perhaps trying to present it in those terms.
Your wife seems to have put you in a double bind. She doesn't want to be faced with it but if you don't tell her you are keeping secrets. A lose-lose situation with the only way out being to truly feel the way she wants you to feel. You can abstain for a while and that may be a good unilateral gesture to open the door to discussion of compromise. It allows you to be in a giving mode. But after that I am at a lose.
By the way I agree strongly with you about this is not about my nurturing side and being more stereotypically feminine. For me a fascination with womens clothing is very heterosexually male. If it wasn't why would women spend so much money on sexy lingerie?
I also question the idea that noone quits for good successfully. It may be rare but there are a lot of people in this world in many varietys. I imagine some people do stop doing this but they are probably not visiting this web site are they?
Good luck and please keep us informed.
Absaroka
Last edited by Absaroka on Fri Jun 09, 2006 12:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.
everything under the sun is in tune
but the sun is eclipsed by the moon
but the sun is eclipsed by the moon
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Paulie
- Miss Emerald Goddess
- Posts: 224
- Joined: Tue Jul 12, 2005 3:30 pm
- Location: Colorado
I offer my empathy, Colette.
It's a very difficult situation you find yourself in. I wish I could give you some words of wisdom to help you and your wife solve this.... but, I'm out of silver bullets right now.
I totally agree with Lydia and Donna. Education, understanding, and compromise are the main items. I was relieved when my wife found out about my CDing, as I disliked keeping the secret for many reasons. Has it been blissful ever since? Not really. We have our compromises also.
I will tell you it's not going to be an easy search to find someone who will tell you that CDing can be stopped completely. We all have gone through those phases..... guilt, purges, etc. And yet, the urge always comes back... sometimes even stronger than before. In the end, all you've done is thrown away alot of money, burdened yourself needlessly with guilt, repressed your desires, and made yourself unhappy.
No one knows exactly why we CD, or how one becomes a CD. I prefer to accept who I am, and enjoy how I feel when I dress.
I wish you well and hope our forum can help you in any way we can. The people here are a wonderful group.
It's a very difficult situation you find yourself in. I wish I could give you some words of wisdom to help you and your wife solve this.... but, I'm out of silver bullets right now.
I totally agree with Lydia and Donna. Education, understanding, and compromise are the main items. I was relieved when my wife found out about my CDing, as I disliked keeping the secret for many reasons. Has it been blissful ever since? Not really. We have our compromises also.
I will tell you it's not going to be an easy search to find someone who will tell you that CDing can be stopped completely. We all have gone through those phases..... guilt, purges, etc. And yet, the urge always comes back... sometimes even stronger than before. In the end, all you've done is thrown away alot of money, burdened yourself needlessly with guilt, repressed your desires, and made yourself unhappy.
No one knows exactly why we CD, or how one becomes a CD. I prefer to accept who I am, and enjoy how I feel when I dress.
I wish you well and hope our forum can help you in any way we can. The people here are a wonderful group.
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Colette
- Miss Silver Goddess
- Posts: 43
- Joined: Fri May 19, 2006 3:49 pm
- Location: Colorado Springs, CO
Thanks for the replies everyone.
Couple thoughts on what you have said. First off, just a few days ago I bookmarked a few websites where my wife could go for support. Forums for SOs mostly, but a few informative ones like rainbow trail and cd secret garden. DonnaT, I added your suggested site to the bookmark folder last night. Problem is, since I told my wife that I did this three days ago, she hasn't gone to look. I am trying to be patient, but everyday I see that look on her face that says she is either hurting or pissed off and I want to ask her why she hasn't looked for any support. Anyway, I will keep being patient.
Second, Absaroka, I thank you for giving your input, but perhaps there was a miscommunication about the counseling thing. I certainly do think counseling is something our marriage needs right now. Biggest thing is I am afraid I won't be able to find the right counselor that is going to be a fit for both of us. In my religious days I would have just sought out the "christian" ones, but I'll be damned if I will go to any of them now. There is a woman in my town who specialized in gender counseling, but she said she has mostly dealt with transexuals. I could tell from my conversation with her that she wouldn't be balanced enough to get my wife's ear on this. Otherwise, it is almost impossible to get a knowledgeable referral for a counselor in such a small and conservative city.
I agree with all of you on most everything. The piece that still nags me logically is the belief that this will never go away. It is said that this is the case with addicts as well, and yet we expect them to set aside their desires and live without their drug/addiction of choice in favor of a life that doesn't hurt them or others. So doesn't CDing fit in with this description? Perhaps my desires will never go away, but do I yet need to find a way to cope and not dress? I am not saying I know, I am just getting this so loud and strong from my wife and I understand her position. I feel so stuck.
thanks for your help.
Couple thoughts on what you have said. First off, just a few days ago I bookmarked a few websites where my wife could go for support. Forums for SOs mostly, but a few informative ones like rainbow trail and cd secret garden. DonnaT, I added your suggested site to the bookmark folder last night. Problem is, since I told my wife that I did this three days ago, she hasn't gone to look. I am trying to be patient, but everyday I see that look on her face that says she is either hurting or pissed off and I want to ask her why she hasn't looked for any support. Anyway, I will keep being patient.
Second, Absaroka, I thank you for giving your input, but perhaps there was a miscommunication about the counseling thing. I certainly do think counseling is something our marriage needs right now. Biggest thing is I am afraid I won't be able to find the right counselor that is going to be a fit for both of us. In my religious days I would have just sought out the "christian" ones, but I'll be damned if I will go to any of them now. There is a woman in my town who specialized in gender counseling, but she said she has mostly dealt with transexuals. I could tell from my conversation with her that she wouldn't be balanced enough to get my wife's ear on this. Otherwise, it is almost impossible to get a knowledgeable referral for a counselor in such a small and conservative city.
I agree with all of you on most everything. The piece that still nags me logically is the belief that this will never go away. It is said that this is the case with addicts as well, and yet we expect them to set aside their desires and live without their drug/addiction of choice in favor of a life that doesn't hurt them or others. So doesn't CDing fit in with this description? Perhaps my desires will never go away, but do I yet need to find a way to cope and not dress? I am not saying I know, I am just getting this so loud and strong from my wife and I understand her position. I feel so stuck.
thanks for your help.
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Georgia(SO)
- Miss Platinum Goddess
- Posts: 416
- Joined: Fri Mar 25, 2005 8:58 am
Collette
First, a really big welcome to anyone who knows the proper usage of the term "ya'll"!
OK. I had a long thoughtful piece written out for you early this morning and then the computer coughed and I lost it. Will try to recreate it for you now...
I can't begin to speak to your questions re: CDing and whether the urge is an addiction or whatever. What I can do is try to clarify some of the things your wife may be feeling. As always, I speak only from inside my own brain and am only guessing at how she feels. Given that, let's have a go at it.
First, one of the most important things she said was that she could accept this from someone else - just not her husband. OK. That's good news. That means that she is not fundamentally opposed to it - does not believe it to be fundamentally sinful or morally wrong or anything like that. That's really good news for you, because if the SO believes it is a sin, it's pretty hard to go anywhere from there.
OTOH. There are many things that I'm ok with in theory that I would find it hard to deal with in my sweetheart. It's not unusual. Finding that your husband likes to dress takes some getting used to. Think about it like this - suppose that for the last 12 years, she had presented as a staunch conservative, that this mindset was one of the bedrocks of your relationship that you had in common, that it was one of the things that attracted you to her in the first place, that it was one of those that *defined* her in your mind. Then, three days ago, she informed you that she really was a closet liberal and that, oh, all these years, she's been voting Democratic even as you discussed the various conservative platforms and the strong points of the various Republican candidates. Would it make you stop loving her? Probably not. But, would it make you look and her and wonder "Who ARE you?" Would it make you wonder what else she wasn't telling you? Would it make you wonder if all of a sudden you are going to have to start eating vegan and recycling? Would it make you miss this person who had the most wonderful insight into conservative policy matters? Probably. Mostly you wonder "Who is this person?"
That's about how it feels to us when suddenly this very masculine male in our life tells us he dresses. The big question is "Who IS this person?" OK. Now, I've hung around this forum long enough, and been with my sweetie long enough to know that the masculine male I met in the first place was only *part* of who he is. That much of who he is is influenced by his *secret life*. But geez, it takes a long time to wrap our brains around it. Remember, you've been wrapping your brain around it for a long time.
So. What to do... a) Breathe deep. If she is ever going to be comfortable with this, she has to approach it on her own terms. That means, whether you like it or not, a lot of back and forth on her part. Since she didn't say "WOW" and drag you off to bed immediately, you can assume that she is not particularly turned on by the idea. For those of us who aren't turned on by it, but who love our sweeties and have reached a point of acceptance (remember acceptance does not equal enjoyment), there are still days when it's not a big deal and there are days that we're really not very good with it. In the beginning, there is an awful lot of back and forth about it. Sit tight, breathe deep and don't pressure her one way or the other. Let her work this out in her own head. Remember that you have just told her that you are someone totally different than the person she thought she knew.
b) I gotta tell ya'll. The idea of finding web sites for support for her is a good one -- if you keep them up your sleeve and don't push her to go read them. They should be used only if she comes to you and says, Do you know somewhere on the web I could read about this? Otherwise, it's a lot like someone who just got religion and drags you to church and then stands over you saying "So, did you feel the Spirit move yet? Huh? Huh? Not yet? Well, are you *praying*????? Huh?" She'll get to looking on the web in her own time and she may well find what she is looking for herself - which, by the way, is much better than you pointing her only to things that look good to you. After all, several of us SOs managed to find our ways here on our very own.
c) Breathe deep. Again. Look, it's going to take her months to get accustomed to the whole idea. We can spend hours discussing just what it is about cross-dressing that make SOs uncomfortable, and still not get there. Sooner or later, she may be able to tell you. But all of her questions seem reasonable to me. OK, not the yelling part. But you said she said
Wanting you to "live in reality" isn't all that unusual either. From our viewpoint, you are pretending to be a woman. (It took me two years of researching this to begin to think about understanding the concept of multi-gendered.) And frankly, none of us quite grasp why you would want to pretend to be a woman. It takes a long, long, long time to realize a) it isn't exactly "pretending" and b) to accept that it just something that is.
Thinking this is based in childhood activities is also really common. As a society, we blame everything on childhood experiences. I've now read enough of ya'll's "When did you start dressing" posts to realize that this is something ya'll are born with, rather than a psychological response to some sort of trauma. But again, it took a good bit of time for me to find the sources, read and understand them, and then transfer them to this man in my life.
I can promise you that all she wants today is for life to go back to normal. I realize that's what you want to. So let it go back to normal for a little while. Talk about other things. Ignore that elephant in the room for a little while. Let her bring it up for a while - it will happen. Slowly. Very, very slowly.
Now, I'm hitting submit without proofing this so that the computer doesn't eat this version. Please ignore clutzy statements and typos!
hope this helps,
-georgia (so)
First, a really big welcome to anyone who knows the proper usage of the term "ya'll"!
OK. I had a long thoughtful piece written out for you early this morning and then the computer coughed and I lost it. Will try to recreate it for you now...
I can't begin to speak to your questions re: CDing and whether the urge is an addiction or whatever. What I can do is try to clarify some of the things your wife may be feeling. As always, I speak only from inside my own brain and am only guessing at how she feels. Given that, let's have a go at it.
First, one of the most important things she said was that she could accept this from someone else - just not her husband. OK. That's good news. That means that she is not fundamentally opposed to it - does not believe it to be fundamentally sinful or morally wrong or anything like that. That's really good news for you, because if the SO believes it is a sin, it's pretty hard to go anywhere from there.
OTOH. There are many things that I'm ok with in theory that I would find it hard to deal with in my sweetheart. It's not unusual. Finding that your husband likes to dress takes some getting used to. Think about it like this - suppose that for the last 12 years, she had presented as a staunch conservative, that this mindset was one of the bedrocks of your relationship that you had in common, that it was one of the things that attracted you to her in the first place, that it was one of those that *defined* her in your mind. Then, three days ago, she informed you that she really was a closet liberal and that, oh, all these years, she's been voting Democratic even as you discussed the various conservative platforms and the strong points of the various Republican candidates. Would it make you stop loving her? Probably not. But, would it make you look and her and wonder "Who ARE you?" Would it make you wonder what else she wasn't telling you? Would it make you wonder if all of a sudden you are going to have to start eating vegan and recycling? Would it make you miss this person who had the most wonderful insight into conservative policy matters? Probably. Mostly you wonder "Who is this person?"
That's about how it feels to us when suddenly this very masculine male in our life tells us he dresses. The big question is "Who IS this person?" OK. Now, I've hung around this forum long enough, and been with my sweetie long enough to know that the masculine male I met in the first place was only *part* of who he is. That much of who he is is influenced by his *secret life*. But geez, it takes a long time to wrap our brains around it. Remember, you've been wrapping your brain around it for a long time.
So. What to do... a) Breathe deep. If she is ever going to be comfortable with this, she has to approach it on her own terms. That means, whether you like it or not, a lot of back and forth on her part. Since she didn't say "WOW" and drag you off to bed immediately, you can assume that she is not particularly turned on by the idea. For those of us who aren't turned on by it, but who love our sweeties and have reached a point of acceptance (remember acceptance does not equal enjoyment), there are still days when it's not a big deal and there are days that we're really not very good with it. In the beginning, there is an awful lot of back and forth about it. Sit tight, breathe deep and don't pressure her one way or the other. Let her work this out in her own head. Remember that you have just told her that you are someone totally different than the person she thought she knew.
b) I gotta tell ya'll. The idea of finding web sites for support for her is a good one -- if you keep them up your sleeve and don't push her to go read them. They should be used only if she comes to you and says, Do you know somewhere on the web I could read about this? Otherwise, it's a lot like someone who just got religion and drags you to church and then stands over you saying "So, did you feel the Spirit move yet? Huh? Huh? Not yet? Well, are you *praying*????? Huh?" She'll get to looking on the web in her own time and she may well find what she is looking for herself - which, by the way, is much better than you pointing her only to things that look good to you. After all, several of us SOs managed to find our ways here on our very own.
c) Breathe deep. Again. Look, it's going to take her months to get accustomed to the whole idea. We can spend hours discussing just what it is about cross-dressing that make SOs uncomfortable, and still not get there. Sooner or later, she may be able to tell you. But all of her questions seem reasonable to me. OK, not the yelling part. But you said she said
For most of us, we are only familiar with cross-dressers who are fetishistic. Until we start looking, we don't know about the rest of ya'll. It IS a major turn-off for a lot of women, including me. I don't think it's wrong, but I'm not turned on by it either. That is no one's fault. Some of my fantasies don't turn him on either.She would accept this of anyone else, just not her husband...It is a major turn off for her....I am a sex addict (no, I have no other symptoms other than a porn problem I had years ago which is no longer an issue)...I am in denial...She wants me to live in reality and this removes me from reality...Somehow as a child, something became "twisted" in me that I want to do this...This will keep me from what I want spiritually (essentially I resonate mostly with Zen Buddhist teaching as well as humanistic beliefs).
Wanting you to "live in reality" isn't all that unusual either. From our viewpoint, you are pretending to be a woman. (It took me two years of researching this to begin to think about understanding the concept of multi-gendered.) And frankly, none of us quite grasp why you would want to pretend to be a woman. It takes a long, long, long time to realize a) it isn't exactly "pretending" and b) to accept that it just something that is.
Thinking this is based in childhood activities is also really common. As a society, we blame everything on childhood experiences. I've now read enough of ya'll's "When did you start dressing" posts to realize that this is something ya'll are born with, rather than a psychological response to some sort of trauma. But again, it took a good bit of time for me to find the sources, read and understand them, and then transfer them to this man in my life.
I can promise you that all she wants today is for life to go back to normal. I realize that's what you want to. So let it go back to normal for a little while. Talk about other things. Ignore that elephant in the room for a little while. Let her bring it up for a while - it will happen. Slowly. Very, very slowly.
Now, I'm hitting submit without proofing this so that the computer doesn't eat this version. Please ignore clutzy statements and typos!
hope this helps,
-georgia (so)
Last edited by Georgia(SO) on Fri Jun 09, 2006 2:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Jeannie
- Miss Ruby Goddess
- Posts: 1308
- Joined: Sun Sep 25, 2005 7:19 pm
- Location: Connecticut
This is my take on our situation
Hi Ladies.Donna, Colette, Georgia, Paulie and Absaroka. I know waht you're all saying but this is just my feeling on the subject of CDing and partners.
It seems that most of us want their partners to come around to our way of thinking. We all take about acceptance and tolerance but in my mind it is very rare when a heterosexual woman who partnered with a man and finds out he enjoys dressing like a woman will ever really accept us. I can understand their feeling. It must be disconcerting to say the least.
After 25 years with my wife and telling her last summer she can't even talk about it and says it makes her feel too uncomfortable. Of course she lives in her own place now but I'm finally happy being myself after 55 long unhappy years. I made everyone around me feel comfortable at my own expense. I'm at the point that I let everyone I know what to expect when they come to my home and let the chips fall where they may. All my cards are on the table. You can play or fold.
All my GG friends love it but if your their husband most will hate it. I can understand that. They are with you because you were a man and not a woman. I feel sorry for GG partners because it must be a very tough thing to deal with. The only person that has to accept you is you. Don't try to make others think like you. It won't happen. It's just like trying to occupy another country. It has never worked throughout history. As soon as you leave it goes right back to the way it was.
i've come out to everyone I know in the last six months and it has been great. My wife's girlfriends and family never talk to me anymore and good riddance. My kids 19 and 22 love me more and always stay with me when home from college. I have my son John Paul who is gay, my rent a daughter Fabrizia and Sarah who is Bi sexual staying the whole summer and I'm having a ball. You have to be the person you are or you're no one at all. Every relationship isn't perfect. You give it a shot and if it doesn't work move on. Life is short. Don't live your life for someone else. It's your life,not theirs. It took me 55 years to figure that out. Don't make that same mistake ladies. I'm not a serial killer,a rapist, a child molester or a selfish person. I'm a man who was never happy with being a man. That's all. I'm tolerant of all races, genders,creeds and but at this point in my life won't be around people who can't or won't tolerate me. That's all. That's just me ladies. Hugs.
Love
Jeannie
It seems that most of us want their partners to come around to our way of thinking. We all take about acceptance and tolerance but in my mind it is very rare when a heterosexual woman who partnered with a man and finds out he enjoys dressing like a woman will ever really accept us. I can understand their feeling. It must be disconcerting to say the least.
After 25 years with my wife and telling her last summer she can't even talk about it and says it makes her feel too uncomfortable. Of course she lives in her own place now but I'm finally happy being myself after 55 long unhappy years. I made everyone around me feel comfortable at my own expense. I'm at the point that I let everyone I know what to expect when they come to my home and let the chips fall where they may. All my cards are on the table. You can play or fold.
All my GG friends love it but if your their husband most will hate it. I can understand that. They are with you because you were a man and not a woman. I feel sorry for GG partners because it must be a very tough thing to deal with. The only person that has to accept you is you. Don't try to make others think like you. It won't happen. It's just like trying to occupy another country. It has never worked throughout history. As soon as you leave it goes right back to the way it was.
i've come out to everyone I know in the last six months and it has been great. My wife's girlfriends and family never talk to me anymore and good riddance. My kids 19 and 22 love me more and always stay with me when home from college. I have my son John Paul who is gay, my rent a daughter Fabrizia and Sarah who is Bi sexual staying the whole summer and I'm having a ball. You have to be the person you are or you're no one at all. Every relationship isn't perfect. You give it a shot and if it doesn't work move on. Life is short. Don't live your life for someone else. It's your life,not theirs. It took me 55 years to figure that out. Don't make that same mistake ladies. I'm not a serial killer,a rapist, a child molester or a selfish person. I'm a man who was never happy with being a man. That's all. I'm tolerant of all races, genders,creeds and but at this point in my life won't be around people who can't or won't tolerate me. That's all. That's just me ladies. Hugs.
Love
Jeannie
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Absaroka
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 3344
- Joined: Fri Feb 04, 2005 8:30 am
About the not stopping and addiction thing. A better parrallel might be the compulsive over eater. which is what people typically call themselves in Overeaters Anonymous. Food is not an addiction in that it is neccesary for life and addiction is an enemy of life. But some people eat in a way that their eating becomes an enemy of life and are unable to change this unaided. But they don't give up eating entirely, they give learn to eat non abusively although they may need the support of a group like OA for the rest of their lives.
An alcoholic on the other hand will always have somewhere a desire to drink themselves to death and can only cope with this desire by not drinking anything. Often they to need support from something like AA for the rest of their lives. And even then they stop only if they are truly desparate, willing to do absolutely anything to stop.
I dare say that many of us, if faced with what drug addiction does to someone, would manage to stop CDIng even if we never lost the desire. And it's my opinion is that if CDIng brings someone to the places that active drug addiction or compulsive eating or gambling or the like does, then they have a very serious problem and should seek help. But typically what we see is that life is okay except that either our SO has trouble coping with their discovery, or that we are having trouble accepting this side of ourselves. So stopping is perhaps not the best solution even if giving it a rest sometimes might be. Which by the way I have not done and do not intend to do at this time.
I love Georgias suggestions-think they are perfect. More from other SOs?
Absaroka
An alcoholic on the other hand will always have somewhere a desire to drink themselves to death and can only cope with this desire by not drinking anything. Often they to need support from something like AA for the rest of their lives. And even then they stop only if they are truly desparate, willing to do absolutely anything to stop.
I dare say that many of us, if faced with what drug addiction does to someone, would manage to stop CDIng even if we never lost the desire. And it's my opinion is that if CDIng brings someone to the places that active drug addiction or compulsive eating or gambling or the like does, then they have a very serious problem and should seek help. But typically what we see is that life is okay except that either our SO has trouble coping with their discovery, or that we are having trouble accepting this side of ourselves. So stopping is perhaps not the best solution even if giving it a rest sometimes might be. Which by the way I have not done and do not intend to do at this time.
I love Georgias suggestions-think they are perfect. More from other SOs?
Absaroka
everything under the sun is in tune
but the sun is eclipsed by the moon
but the sun is eclipsed by the moon
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Colette
- Miss Silver Goddess
- Posts: 43
- Joined: Fri May 19, 2006 3:49 pm
- Location: Colorado Springs, CO
All of your responses are much appreciated everyone.
But, Georgia, I have to thank you for being there and for taking the time for me. It is so helful to hear from a genetic woman. You are on the money with most everything, and much of what you said is very clear coming from my wife. Primarily, she told me last night that nothing turns her off more. I understand this, to a point. Meaning I understand having an expectation of who this person is and then they turn it upside down. What hurts is that when I look in the mirror when I am dressed, I still see me. The same me I have seen for 34 years and so it feels like rejection of me, not just the clothes I am wearing. And yet, I understand her position.
After our talk last night though, I am more confused and afraid than ever. She said that she has thought about whether or not she can accept having this in her life. She said twice, "I can't." I told her I would do everything I could to stop. She says that then I am sweeping under the rug and pretending and fantasizing "all" of the time and she doesn't want that (it seems very unfair to judge me, saying that I will fantasize "all" of the time). So, I told her I would do whatever it takes to get rid of the desire. She said she doesn't believe me when I say it. I responded that I don't have a lot of confidence that it is possible. In fact, I am afraid that it isn't. She said this sounds like a "long road" and she doesn't know if she is willing.
Compromise is not an option from her perspective either. I would be okay with dressing, with her knowledge, but without her having to see me. I can deal with not shaving if necessary (I have only done it once, just my legs, and am growing it back . I can underdress. But none of these are okay, because to her I am living a lie. So, my alternative is to do what it takes to eliminate dressing and the desire, or we have no marriage. At least that is my understanding.
I will do whatever it takes to stay in this marriage. My marriage is more important than dressing to me. But, I don't know if I will meet her expectations.
By the way, she also added that even if I am willing to pursue not dressing and not wanting it, she is afraid that after 3 years I will come to her and tell her that dressing is really what I want. So, that is why she doesn't know if she is willing to continue or not.
You mentioned Georgia to keep the websites under my sleeve. I had put several in a bookmark folder in our browswer and told her about it. Most of them are closed forums that I couldn't determine anything about whether or not I like the content. There are a couple that are more informative. Should I remove the informative ones and leave the closed forum sites for her? Also, to be honest, I didn't put this forum in there because even though the SO section is closed, without my direction she would end up reading a lot of stuff in the other CD sections that would be very disturbing to her right now (perhaps even this, my own post, and some of the responses).
She said yesterday too that she believes I expect her to just accomodate and accept all of this. On the one hand, no, I don't want her to change. But I don't want to be expected to change either and that is what I am being asked to do. On another hand, none of this is worth pulling apart my family (including our two young boys, age 5 and
.
Fear. So much fear.
But, Georgia, I have to thank you for being there and for taking the time for me. It is so helful to hear from a genetic woman. You are on the money with most everything, and much of what you said is very clear coming from my wife. Primarily, she told me last night that nothing turns her off more. I understand this, to a point. Meaning I understand having an expectation of who this person is and then they turn it upside down. What hurts is that when I look in the mirror when I am dressed, I still see me. The same me I have seen for 34 years and so it feels like rejection of me, not just the clothes I am wearing. And yet, I understand her position.
After our talk last night though, I am more confused and afraid than ever. She said that she has thought about whether or not she can accept having this in her life. She said twice, "I can't." I told her I would do everything I could to stop. She says that then I am sweeping under the rug and pretending and fantasizing "all" of the time and she doesn't want that (it seems very unfair to judge me, saying that I will fantasize "all" of the time). So, I told her I would do whatever it takes to get rid of the desire. She said she doesn't believe me when I say it. I responded that I don't have a lot of confidence that it is possible. In fact, I am afraid that it isn't. She said this sounds like a "long road" and she doesn't know if she is willing.
Compromise is not an option from her perspective either. I would be okay with dressing, with her knowledge, but without her having to see me. I can deal with not shaving if necessary (I have only done it once, just my legs, and am growing it back . I can underdress. But none of these are okay, because to her I am living a lie. So, my alternative is to do what it takes to eliminate dressing and the desire, or we have no marriage. At least that is my understanding.
I will do whatever it takes to stay in this marriage. My marriage is more important than dressing to me. But, I don't know if I will meet her expectations.
By the way, she also added that even if I am willing to pursue not dressing and not wanting it, she is afraid that after 3 years I will come to her and tell her that dressing is really what I want. So, that is why she doesn't know if she is willing to continue or not.
You mentioned Georgia to keep the websites under my sleeve. I had put several in a bookmark folder in our browswer and told her about it. Most of them are closed forums that I couldn't determine anything about whether or not I like the content. There are a couple that are more informative. Should I remove the informative ones and leave the closed forum sites for her? Also, to be honest, I didn't put this forum in there because even though the SO section is closed, without my direction she would end up reading a lot of stuff in the other CD sections that would be very disturbing to her right now (perhaps even this, my own post, and some of the responses).
She said yesterday too that she believes I expect her to just accomodate and accept all of this. On the one hand, no, I don't want her to change. But I don't want to be expected to change either and that is what I am being asked to do. On another hand, none of this is worth pulling apart my family (including our two young boys, age 5 and
.Fear. So much fear.
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Georgia(SO)
- Miss Platinum Goddess
- Posts: 416
- Joined: Fri Mar 25, 2005 8:58 am
Collette
Hoo boy. Ok. Look - I am really leary of passing on detailed advice regarding a woman I don't know. I can do generalizations, but beyond that, it's way too dangerous to suggest specifics.
Let's take this one at a time. She has been thinking about whether she wants to stay in the marriage now. Ya know, as hurtful as that is to both of you, it is a reasonable response. She NEEDS to think that through. She SHOULD think that through. It is the appropriate thing to do. I can't begin to guess what she will ultimately decide, but at least she is being honest with you and telling you she is thinking it through.
Secondly, I understand that you look in the mirror and just see yourself. This is so tricky to explain to ya'll. And tricky for ya'll to explain to us. But let me try. Ya'll (broad group, I know, but bear with me) often say that you dress so that the outside matches the inside. Fair enough. Expect until you told us this, or showed up in a skirt, most of us didn't know that there was this female soul inside you. How would we? We looked at you, you looked like a guy, you acted like a guy - how would we know there is the girl inside you. I think it was CJ maybe who talked poignantly about how odd it feels to have his outsides not look like his insides. Well, on the flip side, you have just told us that the outside we have been accustomed to - the outside that we *thought* reflected all of you - doesn't actually match who you really are. That's a big one guys.
So, now, even if you swear you will never dress again, and even if you never do, she *knows* that there's this girl-part inside of you. She *knows* that you aren't who she perceived you to be. That's what always hangs me up. The stockings and the nail polish are, quite frankly, very superficial and even though they do turn me off sexually, it is this other half of this other person inside him that made me have to think through whether I wanted to stay in this relationship.
I wouldn't be surprised, if after the shock wears off, if compromise is a bit more acceptable. For some of us it is - for others it isn't. Remember I told you there would be a lot of back and forth on her part. And there is great validity in her being afraid that even if you purged, this would crop up again in 3 or 5 or 7 years. She's probably right, ya know. Ditto with her insight that if you don't do any dressing at all, you will likely be fantasizing about it all the time. From watching my guy, I realize that if he doesn't dress sometimes, he gets absolutely obsessed with it. I hear from the other CDs on this forum that they do too. Not all of them, but enough so that it seems she's probably on target with that.
I understand how this feels like a rejection of you. I guess it probably is, being this is who you really are. But for her, she's looking at this - you have just substituted the real you for the one she thought she knew. That's pretty earthshaking on her side too.
If you go wandering around through the "Do you know how I feel" section, and wander back over the last six months to a year, we have all discussed this many times. I have tried to learn from the ladies here, and I have tried to give some insight into the gg mind. You will find much discussion on what parts give SOs problems as well as what parts some are ok with.
I will also say this about online forums. A) When I first went online looking for information about this, the first half dozen I found were nothing but diatribes about what perverts the CDs were. Well, after reading a couple of these, it annoyed me so much that they were calling my sweetie a pervert, by proxy, that it just blew away my initial knee-jerk turn off to the whole situation. It really pissed me off because it was clear to me that he didn't *choose* to have these feelings and the women on these groups were being dogmatic and bitchy. So, even though none of you guys would ever want your ladies to find one of these hate sites, it actually did me a lot of good.
Secondly, if she should decide she would like to join this forum - it does seem to be one of the more reasonable ones out there - there is the problem of her reading your posts. I personally have never told my sweetie which forum I belong to because I *don't* want him reading mine - and I don't want to read his. This is a private place where I can say and think what I need to without worrying about hurting his feelings or embarrassing him. So, in the event that she decides she would like to come here, I would think it would be worth your while to go through and delete all your posts. We would miss you, and I wouldn't drop out just now, but it may be something to consider down the road.
And, no, I wouldn't dump the bookmarks. I just wouldn't push her to follow up on them. If she knows they are there, and if she decides on her own to follow up on them, she will do it. I certainly hope you included My Husband Betty in it too.
Finally, as for dressing be the biggest turn off for her - well, ya know, that isn't a moral judgement. Nor is it a judgement about you per se. Some people are turned on by it. Some are turned off by it. Some people find handcuffs to be a lot of fun - some people freak at the thought. This is not about whether she's open minded or you are perverted. Turn ons and turn offs are very personal things. You are not hurting anyone overtly - it's not like you are a child molester. You are not doing anything *bad*. You are doing something that she is not comfortable with. It's her turn to figure out what she wants to do about that.
I know you are scared. Anyone who has been in a marriage that is tottering understands that. This is the time to be quietly strong. To tell her that you love her. That you are sorry that this hurts her - NOT that you are sorry you are the way you are. As my guy says, he am what he am Popeye. Just breathe deeply and believe that it will all work out in the end.
hugs to you and your family,
-g(so)
Hoo boy. Ok. Look - I am really leary of passing on detailed advice regarding a woman I don't know. I can do generalizations, but beyond that, it's way too dangerous to suggest specifics.
Let's take this one at a time. She has been thinking about whether she wants to stay in the marriage now. Ya know, as hurtful as that is to both of you, it is a reasonable response. She NEEDS to think that through. She SHOULD think that through. It is the appropriate thing to do. I can't begin to guess what she will ultimately decide, but at least she is being honest with you and telling you she is thinking it through.
Secondly, I understand that you look in the mirror and just see yourself. This is so tricky to explain to ya'll. And tricky for ya'll to explain to us. But let me try. Ya'll (broad group, I know, but bear with me) often say that you dress so that the outside matches the inside. Fair enough. Expect until you told us this, or showed up in a skirt, most of us didn't know that there was this female soul inside you. How would we? We looked at you, you looked like a guy, you acted like a guy - how would we know there is the girl inside you. I think it was CJ maybe who talked poignantly about how odd it feels to have his outsides not look like his insides. Well, on the flip side, you have just told us that the outside we have been accustomed to - the outside that we *thought* reflected all of you - doesn't actually match who you really are. That's a big one guys.
So, now, even if you swear you will never dress again, and even if you never do, she *knows* that there's this girl-part inside of you. She *knows* that you aren't who she perceived you to be. That's what always hangs me up. The stockings and the nail polish are, quite frankly, very superficial and even though they do turn me off sexually, it is this other half of this other person inside him that made me have to think through whether I wanted to stay in this relationship.
I wouldn't be surprised, if after the shock wears off, if compromise is a bit more acceptable. For some of us it is - for others it isn't. Remember I told you there would be a lot of back and forth on her part. And there is great validity in her being afraid that even if you purged, this would crop up again in 3 or 5 or 7 years. She's probably right, ya know. Ditto with her insight that if you don't do any dressing at all, you will likely be fantasizing about it all the time. From watching my guy, I realize that if he doesn't dress sometimes, he gets absolutely obsessed with it. I hear from the other CDs on this forum that they do too. Not all of them, but enough so that it seems she's probably on target with that.
I understand how this feels like a rejection of you. I guess it probably is, being this is who you really are. But for her, she's looking at this - you have just substituted the real you for the one she thought she knew. That's pretty earthshaking on her side too.
If you go wandering around through the "Do you know how I feel" section, and wander back over the last six months to a year, we have all discussed this many times. I have tried to learn from the ladies here, and I have tried to give some insight into the gg mind. You will find much discussion on what parts give SOs problems as well as what parts some are ok with.
I will also say this about online forums. A) When I first went online looking for information about this, the first half dozen I found were nothing but diatribes about what perverts the CDs were. Well, after reading a couple of these, it annoyed me so much that they were calling my sweetie a pervert, by proxy, that it just blew away my initial knee-jerk turn off to the whole situation. It really pissed me off because it was clear to me that he didn't *choose* to have these feelings and the women on these groups were being dogmatic and bitchy. So, even though none of you guys would ever want your ladies to find one of these hate sites, it actually did me a lot of good.
Secondly, if she should decide she would like to join this forum - it does seem to be one of the more reasonable ones out there - there is the problem of her reading your posts. I personally have never told my sweetie which forum I belong to because I *don't* want him reading mine - and I don't want to read his. This is a private place where I can say and think what I need to without worrying about hurting his feelings or embarrassing him. So, in the event that she decides she would like to come here, I would think it would be worth your while to go through and delete all your posts. We would miss you, and I wouldn't drop out just now, but it may be something to consider down the road.
And, no, I wouldn't dump the bookmarks. I just wouldn't push her to follow up on them. If she knows they are there, and if she decides on her own to follow up on them, she will do it. I certainly hope you included My Husband Betty in it too.
Finally, as for dressing be the biggest turn off for her - well, ya know, that isn't a moral judgement. Nor is it a judgement about you per se. Some people are turned on by it. Some are turned off by it. Some people find handcuffs to be a lot of fun - some people freak at the thought. This is not about whether she's open minded or you are perverted. Turn ons and turn offs are very personal things. You are not hurting anyone overtly - it's not like you are a child molester. You are not doing anything *bad*. You are doing something that she is not comfortable with. It's her turn to figure out what she wants to do about that.
I know you are scared. Anyone who has been in a marriage that is tottering understands that. This is the time to be quietly strong. To tell her that you love her. That you are sorry that this hurts her - NOT that you are sorry you are the way you are. As my guy says, he am what he am Popeye. Just breathe deeply and believe that it will all work out in the end.
hugs to you and your family,
-g(so)
Last edited by Georgia(SO) on Fri Jun 09, 2006 2:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Colette
- Miss Silver Goddess
- Posts: 43
- Joined: Fri May 19, 2006 3:49 pm
- Location: Colorado Springs, CO
Georgia,
Thank you again for your thoughfulness. No time to respond much, but when you mentioned "My Husband Betty" do you mean their websit or a link about the book? The website looks pretty heavy.
Thanks,
Colette
Thank you again for your thoughfulness. No time to respond much, but when you mentioned "My Husband Betty" do you mean their websit or a link about the book? The website looks pretty heavy.
Thanks,
Colette
Last edited by Colette on Thu Jun 22, 2006 2:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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DonnaT
- Miss Great Goddess
- Posts: 8222
- Joined: Fri Sep 17, 2004 11:04 am
- Location: No. Virginia
Hi Colette,
Have you talked about LOVE?
Discussed why you found each other attractive, discussed those characteristics she hadn't found in other men, and fell in love?
My wife has known for 30 yrs, and has mentioned divorce more than once, but she still loves me and the dislike for the CDing hasn't disolved that love. It may some day, which is my fear. But being able to talk about why we fell in love in the first place, about those things she likes that I do for her that many of her friends would envy, etc. , brings her back from the brink.
I've sent you a PM on a thread you might find interesting. Which may provide discussion points for you two.
Have you talked about LOVE?
Discussed why you found each other attractive, discussed those characteristics she hadn't found in other men, and fell in love?
My wife has known for 30 yrs, and has mentioned divorce more than once, but she still loves me and the dislike for the CDing hasn't disolved that love. It may some day, which is my fear. But being able to talk about why we fell in love in the first place, about those things she likes that I do for her that many of her friends would envy, etc. , brings her back from the brink.
I've sent you a PM on a thread you might find interesting. Which may provide discussion points for you two.
DonnaT
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SilverLady(SO)
- Retired Site Administrator
- Posts: 5419
- Joined: Fri Nov 04, 2005 1:00 am
- Location: Strange Magic Hill (Virginia)
I agree with Georgia(SO)'s comments, but one she just made caught my eye:
Georgia(SO) wrote:
Presuming you changed names and she joined, and she found this thread and started to think that "this situation" is similar to her own, that in itself would not necessarily mean that it was written by you. What you are going through now with your wife is very common among married CD's who have kept their femme side hidden from the wife before finally coming 'out' to her.
Again, I agree with the comments made by Georgia(SO) and the others, and I couldn't have said it better than they did. However, I am fully accepting of my CD and love being with both him and her - we have finally found our soul-mates and look forward to a long life together. I wish the same for you and your wife, although I know it won't be an easy journey.
- SL
PS: The only 'problem' might be that some comments do refer to you by your member name - so maybe a new femme name could be a variation on that? Just a thought!
Georgia(SO) wrote:
We would love to have your wife join the forum, but there would be NO need for you to delete your posts or drop out of this forum! All you would have to do is change your name - to either a different male one or select a feminine name you like - and that way your wife would not necessarily know that this thread or any others were started by you, or that any comments you make in other threads were yours. Does that make sense?So, in the event that she decides she would like to come here, I would think it would be worth your while to go through and delete all your posts. We would miss you, and I wouldn't drop out just now, but it may be something to consider down the road.
Presuming you changed names and she joined, and she found this thread and started to think that "this situation" is similar to her own, that in itself would not necessarily mean that it was written by you. What you are going through now with your wife is very common among married CD's who have kept their femme side hidden from the wife before finally coming 'out' to her.
Again, I agree with the comments made by Georgia(SO) and the others, and I couldn't have said it better than they did. However, I am fully accepting of my CD and love being with both him and her - we have finally found our soul-mates and look forward to a long life together. I wish the same for you and your wife, although I know it won't be an easy journey.
- SL
PS: The only 'problem' might be that some comments do refer to you by your member name - so maybe a new femme name could be a variation on that? Just a thought!
SilverLady(SO)
- Native Motor City and Wolverine gal . . . GO BLUE!!
- Molon Labe - Saepius Exertus, Semper Fidelis - Si Vis Pacem, Para Bellum
-
Proud Military Family - Navy, Army, Coast Guard, National Guard
- Native Motor City and Wolverine gal . . . GO BLUE!!
- Molon Labe - Saepius Exertus, Semper Fidelis - Si Vis Pacem, Para Bellum
-
Proud Military Family - Navy, Army, Coast Guard, National Guard -
Georgia(SO)
- Miss Platinum Goddess
- Posts: 416
- Joined: Fri Mar 25, 2005 8:58 am
Colette,
The website My Husband Betty is pretty heavy. I haven't read the book but I hear that it is very, very good. MHB has, over the last year, gone fairly heavily toward TS's, I think, although I haven't looked at it in a while. Still, Helen herself has a really healthy attitude toward this and I personally like the website sometimes. I still think your wife would be best off finding a comfortable place on her own.
And Donna is right about talking about why ya'll fell in love in the first place. Man, when i'm feeling down, there is nothing that makes me smile quite so much as when he talks about when he first knew that he loved me!
-g(so)
The website My Husband Betty is pretty heavy. I haven't read the book but I hear that it is very, very good. MHB has, over the last year, gone fairly heavily toward TS's, I think, although I haven't looked at it in a while. Still, Helen herself has a really healthy attitude toward this and I personally like the website sometimes. I still think your wife would be best off finding a comfortable place on her own.
And Donna is right about talking about why ya'll fell in love in the first place. Man, when i'm feeling down, there is nothing that makes me smile quite so much as when he talks about when he first knew that he loved me!
-g(so)