Crossdressers-Haven.com

Hi all,

A little poll...

Assuming you could easily pull off BOTH of the following situations, which one would give you the greatest satisfaction? And why?

Love,
CJ

...not care what others think and dress as I please.

Well, actually I don't care. It's my wife that cares, thus I can't dress as I please.

I don't have a need to pass, I just have a need to satisfy my CDing urges.

That's a GREAT poll question, CJ. You're telling us we can do either--but we have to choose.

I didn't even have to think about it--I want to pass without a hitch. It doesn't bother me that I don't pass all of the time--I can "blend" well enough most of the time. And I get treated with respect, which is really all I ask for.

I just know that at times I seem to find myself in a situation where I'm being accepted in a way that feels like "passing without a hitch," and that feeling is wonderful to me!

And why is that feeling so wonderful? Ah, there's where the mysterious part of all this begins. It feels like "coming home" for a brief spell. I'm not unhappy as a man in this life, but I seem to have some kind of memories of different ways of being. I won't insist that this has to be reincarnation, either. All I know is that being some kind of girl has a very primal feeling to me.

Hi all,

Thanks, Donna. Heh. I guess I can assume that you do care what your wife thinks, at the very least!

The reason I was asking is that I've been wondering lately if there isn't a sort of grey zone where the two alternatives meet. GG's--most of whom "pass" as women (on the assumption, again, that gender is a "performance")--seem to derive an equal pleasure from being acknowledged as women and from flaunting their detachment from the requirements of that same gender performance. In other words, it gives them great pleasure to be seen and heard and understood as women but it also gives them great pleasure to feel they aren't bound--when they choose not to be, that is--by deterministic gender roles and expectations.

I know the same thing is true of men. But is it true of gender-variant folks? I haven't been active in the TG community for very long but it seems to me that CD's and, especially, transsexuals, are very polarized on this issue. I know of some people whose world can come crashing down on them if they're "read"; conversely, I know of some who couldn't give a pasha's caboose what people think of them. But I know of very few who have the desire, the will, and the need to pass as women while simultaneously really not caring whether or not they cannot pull it off successfully.

I find it deeply satisfying when I'm taken for a woman (like, all three times it happened ) but I also find it very satisfying when I make people look twice and, in doing so, sort of force them to have to use their "tolerance muscle" once they realize that here comes a billboard for difference and sexual diversity walking on three-inch heels.

In the end, for me, the poll is a trick question; I find both options equally satisfying, often in circumstances where one situation follows the other in a matter of mere seconds. In fact, I find it difficult to untangle them.

It's just what was on my mind, lately, is all.

Thanks also to those who answered the poll.

Love,
CJ

I also find it very satisfying when I make people look twice and, in doing so, sort of force them to have to use their "tolerance muscle" once they realize that here comes a billboard for difference and sexual diversity walking on three-inch heels.

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CJ, I recognize that same satisfaction myself. and I had forgotten about it. I certainly like the walking billboard aspect of all of this, too. It is a very odd blend, some days--one minute I'm the center of attention, and the next minute I'm just part of the crowd. However, it depends on how I'm dressed, too. If it's three-inch heels, there's not much blending going on!

Hi all,

Hey there, Anita! Yeah, that's exactly why I posed the question that way; it had to be one or the other. Heh. You can see by my reply to Donna above, that I couldn't even keep to my own poll answer requirements, alas!

Your posts are always fascinating to read, Anita. I get so much pleasure from reading them. Here, I'll retain just two phrases that struck me: Coming home for a brief spell and Being some kind of girl.

Coming home for a brief spell

This is sooooooo damned hard to explain to someone who hasn't had to struggle with the dissonance, the discrepancy--the yawning chasm--that exists between their sense of who they are and what the world around them tells them, based, usually, on the shape of their genitals. It does, indeed, feel like "coming home." Part of the work we have to do, I think, as gender-variant people, is to come to grips with the fact--or, rather, with the sensation--that we're but mere visitors in the home that is our bodies (as opposed to being owners or, at the very least, long-term tenants). This can be pretty tough. Especially when the accommodations are not to our liking.

Being some kind of girl

This statement, I think, is universally applicable to any person--male or female--whose gender is feminine. What strikes me is that even women--GG's--are just that: some kind of girl. We often labour under the mistaken assumption that there's such a thing as "Woman" (or "Man," for that matter) when, in reality, there are only individuals who express gender preferences--who "perform" gender--each in his or her own way. It's good to be reminded of this sometimes. In my case, it makes me realize that there's no such thing as "passing as a woman," only "passing as CJ." And that I don't have a problem with. Not anymore, anyway.

Thanks again for your input, Anita.

Love,
CJ

P.S.
I finally got to phone both Beauty and Elizabeth. Expect a call soon (I'm slow sometimes but I do phone back).

For me it is "not care what others think...". I have no desire or need to pass. I just want to wear whatever feels right at the moment. But I have no desire or need to be the center of attention either. So, I end up "caring what others might think".

Kathy

Well, Anita speaks for this girl!!!!!!
With one exception, the part about not liking being a male, if I had to choose yeah, but I don't so I have to accept the guy in me and I think I have been fortunate enough to find a balance between the two. For that I am most thankful. The best example I can think of is my sport. When I am training or competing, I can easily sense Virginia there and the girl is routing me on to do my best and it helps sooooo much!
I want to pass, everytime I go out! I want to be seen as a woman, I want the admiring glances or stares and if I am out with my GG I want her to be proud to be seen with me and to be recognized as just two girls out doing whatever.
When I am dressed "en drab" the feminine aspects that Virginia has still take prescendence in my every action and it is becoming so much a part of me that the only difference is the reverse of Virginia' s presence, but dressed in "guy mode."
thanks for the poll
Virginia

Personally it doesn't worry me what outsiders think of me, but an important aspect of passing to me is the safety factor as I'm not physcially strong or ever was seen as a threat. I found in the early days of getting out and about it presented times of concern for my safety from redneck types, but as the years have passed and I became more competent at passing with the aid of such things as female hormones, good education, advice and help from others. The experience of just being out there and doing it as good as possible made my life grow more 'in tune' with how I believe it was meant to be.

Passing is also important to me because it means not only do I get treated as a female, more importantly I also obtain that inner soothing of my soul which spent so many years in conflict with the image I was forced to live with. I can never be a genetic woman with all 'the trimmings', but at least I've been able to achieve a good part of my heart's desire, and not only has it transformed my appearance, it transformed my whole life for the better.

Yes, I wholeheartedly agree that it's nigh on impossible to explain to anyone anyone who hasn't experienced our struggle with the dissonance, the discrepancy--the yawning chasm--that exists between their sense of who they are and what the world around them tells them, based, usually on the shape of their genitals. But, I do believe that if the need is desperate and intense enough, there is a point we can reach which fills that chasm and transforms our life into something which fulfills the personal human needs we as individuals have. Every person is an individual with their own uniqueness, and while this may work for us in some ways, it can also work against us in our day to day life, because those who are not of our ilk can never come to understand the vastness of the difference in our uniqueness to their own, and unfortunately the majority of the community don't adopt the policy of accepting the fact that people are who and what they are for better or worse, and we should all live and let live.

Down through the ages a 'set of rules' has evolved which were put in place by people ( political or religious) who assumed some sort of authority by means of force, presumably on the premise of helping people live a better life, and also to control the masses in their thoughts and actions so the authorative group could excercise power over peoples thinking and how they live. Among these 'rules' has evolved a description of what a male is and should be and what a female is and should be, but those who founded these 'rules' failed to take into account or accept that nature doesn't always follow the same blueprint, and nature is all powerful over man made ideas or rules.

If a person has the physical attributes of a male yet wears the clothing and accessories usually attributed to the female sex, or vice versa, does that necessarily make that person a bad person? I think not, well I know it doesn't.
The fact that I don't fit into the neat description of what a man or woman is supposed to be and look like (according to the rule makers) doesn't necessarily make me a bad or dangerous person. As long as I abide by the laws of the land, pay my taxes, do my bit for my surrounding community, be responsible for my family, make an honest living and never hurt other people etc etc, then I believe what is under my skirt is incidental and of little consequence, and, myself and all other people should be able to live out our lives in peace, happiness and safety.

Yes, passing is important to me because it also goes a long way to me being able to live my day to day public life in the manner and presentation which gives me the most happiness and fulfillment. It takes the stress and threat out of my life also. Having said that, how I look within the four walls of my home isn't so important because there is never any physical or emotional threat within there. I am truly fortunate in that those people within the four walls accept me wholly as the person I am and was born as, and above all else, this is what is most important of all, it's true love at work.

Kind Regards,

Sally.